Sunday, December 13, 2015

Sleepless and dangerous

Everyone is asleep, but I can't seem to accomplish that tonight. I should be sleepy. I had a long day on 6 hours of sleep, but here I am. Not sleeping. 

I hate when I can't sleep. It makes me feel crazy... I manage to get right to the very edge of slumber only to be ripped back by some nagging thought, a song that won't stop cycling through my brain, or a worry that pokes me until I literally open my eyes. 

Wtf. 

Then I cycle through stupid random worries, fears, guilts, negativity, and self loathing. 

My stomach is growling, and I feel hunger pangs. I'm pretty sure this insomnia is food related, but I don't know what to do about it. When I'm hungry, I have no patience with people. I get angry. When I'm alone and hungry and tired, I get horribly dark and depressed. I just get angry with myself. For every transgression I have ever committed. 

If I'm honest with myself, I want to go binge so fucking badly... If you're easily triggered, I would say skip the rest of this paragraph... I know right now in my kitchen there are oatmeal cream pies, caramel icecream, brownies, cheese slices, chocolate, taco leftovers from the kids, couscous, chips, and candied cashews. I want to literally rip open the fridge and dive into all of those items until this nagging in my stomach and head goes away...

But I would have to take drugs and purge to not hate myself for doing it... And I would still hate myself. 

I took a Benadryl, and I think I'm going to go have a few sips of milk and hopefully that will knock me out. I read once that milk has naturally occurring morphine which is why it aides in sleep. Let's hope that's true... 

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