Friday, December 11, 2015

Obsessive

Today's eats:
B: Apple and Tea - 40 cals
L: Veggies - 120 cals
S: Egg whites and veggies - 65 cals
D: Salmon, veggies - 175 cals
S: Chocolate - 100 cals
Total: 500 cals

Currently drinking my detox hot tea and smoking so I can try to fall asleep... It's so hard to sleep when I don't eat much. I don't know why my body is like that... When I'm hungry, I cannot sleep, but the tea seems to help. I'm stifling yawns, so that seems promising.

I took my last final of the semester today, and it went well. It was my last final of my last year of graduate school. It's amazing to think I'm almost halfway done with my program... Only 4 more semesters, and hello, Master's Degree. Now I just have to wait for grades to come out to see what I got in my last class. All A's so far, so I'm reeeeeally hoping I managed to slide by with one in that class as well. I'm literally points from either getting an A or a B in the class, so I'll just have to wait and see once grades are posted.

I came home to flowers and chocolate from the boyfriend as a congrats on my accomplishments. He really is very sweet sometimes... It's funny, but every time he buys me candy I think to myself "I guess I'm still not so fat that he doesn't love me." I don't know why... It's kind of stupid, but I just think if he thought I was too fat, he probably wouldn't buy me candy, right?? It's so comforting, even if I have to end up eating some of it... I had planned a different end of the day snack, but chocolate it was...

I felt a little compulsive tonight. It's strange because I haven't felt that way in a while. I came home and cooked an amazing dinner that I didn't eat most of, and when the boyfriend fell asleep from a food coma with a belly full of bread and couscous that I did not partake in, I cleaned the house. The whole damn thing. Obsessively. It was strange, but I recalled how I used to do that in the 'Ville when I was at my lowest weight. When I'm really focused and triggered and on the Ana train, I clean late at night until my whole house is spotless. I can't stop myself. Especially if there's no pressing other things to do like study or go to bed early for an early morning. I get so crazy... Suddenly, everything has to be in it's perfect place. I think of too many things at once and work myself half to death every moment avoiding food, and I have to obsessively organize all elements of my life like I do my diet. Even now I'm contemplating finances, but I decided to put that off. If I start to crunch numbers at this hour, I'll never sleep tonight, and I have to get up early for work tomorrow.

It's strange, but I feel like this time it might be easier to go back to Ana. I don't think I have felt like I needed to lose weight as much as I currently do in a very long time. I just want to give myself this school break to get thin and then figure things out from there. Well, off to finish this bowl, and then bed time.

Think thin.

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