Friday, March 18, 2016

Chevy, heavy, and suicide.

I wrote a long entry about Chevy last night, but my app crashed, and it didn't get saved... 

I dreamed of him. Of catching up. And I had to process why, after 5 years, he still pulls on my heartstrings. I looked him up on Facebook, which is pointless because he's never had one. I don't either. I used my bestie's to check. I've always thought that was funny... We must be two of the last people on the planet that aren't on social media. Then I googled him, and there he was. He's in Nashville. He still job hops. He got arrested again. 

I kind of wish I could talk to him, but I don't think it would be welcome. Or maybe the dream was us connecting on some deeper mental level. Maybe we shared that dream. The dreams of him are always so strangely vivid and memorable that they feel like I'm actually communicating with him. 

After dreaming about Chevy, I had group. One of my clients tells us about her severe past trauma, her relationships now, and how she feels. I validated. I normalized. I didn't let her leave. I could see my words and the experience helped her. But it tore me up to see her like that. It bothers me to know how messed up the world is sometimes... I wish I could save everyone. I had to fight back tears, and my heart ached for someone so young to carry such a heavy burden her whole life. 

Then I came home during my break between group and class, and the fiancĂ© was not acting very nice to anyone... He was short-fused, impatient, negative. He was frustrated by the kids' mom and not looking forward his long day today working both jobs. We all went to the pool, and I attempted to get his mood back up. I gently probed for what was wrong. I made him get it out. I tried to cheer him up, but when that wasn't working, I moved on. I got some sun and ignored him. After a spell of continued negative comments, I turned to him and said "you're being unpleasant." I didn't engage him any more, and ten minutes later, I could see him attempting to be nicer. Before we left, he was good again. He worked it all out of his system. He apologized. But, it was hard for me to cater to him and not get angry. 

It also makes me feel guilty to know that he is only getting a second job because of my continued demands. I don't want him to be unhappy, but with his current job, he is only bringing home $700-800 a month when our bills alone are $1,700, not including any fucking other spending like kid stuff, entertainment, gas, food, or the fact that we need to pay off our credit card and plan a wedding. He has never fully paid half the bills, and while I understood and was patient when I knew he was struggling in life, it's time for him to carry his weight more fully.

I honestly can't marry someone who doesn't. 

So, I shrugged off my guilt, silently put my foot down, and supported him. He slept a lot and worried a lot, but followed through. I'm proud. And if he keeps with it, I'll be ecstatic. 

Today, however, feels lonely. 

Class last night is weighing heavily on me as well... We went over suicide assessment, and I got so flustered about my current client that I spoke to my supervisor afterward. 1 in 4 counselors experience a client suicide. That statistic repeated itself over and over in my head during class. My heart was racing. I was thinking of B and H and the things they have said the two previous days. Two clients who seem serious about their suidicidal thoughts in just as many days. Not a fun week... 

Then suddenly, I was thinking about my own suicidal ideation in the past and my specific thoughts on suicide. And with that, I'm struggling. I don't want my clients killing themselves, and I understand the devastation of it. But I don't know how much I agree with the "it will always get better; don't kill yourself" mantras in our society. 

I understand the appeal of suicide. I understand the allure. I have never feared death, but thought it would be a welcome moment, whenever it was destined to happen. I still feel that way. Like death would be relief. I would never hasten my own, but I get it

It's hard for me sometimes when someone says that their life seems pointless to tell them that it's not. I think a lot of life is ultimately pointless. Most of us don't leave behind any great legacy- we don't invent or achieve anything that changes the world significantly. We impact our immediate environment, but not to any lasting degree. And the world truly is a pretty terrible place to live in. Though I believe in the afterlife, I don't believe you forfeit it by ending your own life. We spend so much energy working pointless jobs to earn pointless money to get pointless crap that someone else will throw away when we die. We spend years engaging in pointless maintenance tasks on our pointless bodies in an attempt to look or feel good when one day we just won't be healthy or pretty, no matter what we do. As soon as we die, that body that we worked so hard on, and obsessed over for so many decades, becomes meaninglessIn 50 years, our own family lineage probably won't even remember our names or faces or know anything about our entire existence, much less anyone else in society. It just seems like we are born and wait to die. Saving someone's life feels like prolonging the inevitable in a way. 

I sound pessimistic, but I promise I'm not. I enjoy my life. I even love it some days. And I am still guilty of obsessing over my body more than my previous statements could ever reflect. 

But I also see the bigger picture. If I were to disappear one day, only a handful of people would be truly affected. The ripple would be small. I feel most people are in that category. And yes, it could be debated that maybe our role is to produce lineage that a couple generations from now does some amazing, life-altering thing. Maybe we are here to inspire someone in passing. We can never fully know the weaving of the fates. 

But, logic also stings a bit. And self-hatred is a candle within myself that has never fully extinguished, so when someone else's is brightly burning, I understand. 

The last two days, logic has stung me a lot... I wish the fiancé was here to soothe some of it.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Selfish him

He's extremely inconsiderate lately. Or maybe it's not just lately. Maybe it's all the time, but lately it's starting to upset me. 

He's buried in his phone. He's rude and selfish and inconsiderate. He lashes out when I try to get any kind of response from him. He acts like I'm a bother and distraction from what he actually wants to be doing. He acts like a child. I try to be patient, but my patience is wearing thin, and I can feel myself wanting to blow up and storm off. If I weren't feeling so sick I probably would have by now. 

I want to leave. Not forever, but for a day or two. I want to pull away. I want to push him so far away that he wonders where I am. I want him to miss me, but I don't know how long that would even take. He's so wrapped up in himself all the time lately, I question how I even fit in. 

I don't think this relationship is as fulfilling as it possibly could be. I question if it ever will be. I think he's just selfish... It's frustrating. I know he loves me, but that's not enough. His selfishness and self-centered ways drive me crazy. I have never had someone who doted on me properly. I thought it would be him, but life has not played out that way. 

It makes me miss Bogart sometimes. And Bird. And Gerard. I left people who were more considerate. And this is causing me tears, but I don't really know why. 

I'm so sick. With a horrible cold and can barely get any attention. His guilt brings him around with "if you need anything" statements. It's just to appease me and not cause a horrible fight. I tell him I don't need anyone. I mean it. 

I don't need anyone. I've taken care of myself forever. And I always will. I've taught myself and supported myself and cared for myself without help for a million years. Because all any other person has ever shown me is that you can either take care of yourself in life or be disappointed when others don't. 

But I want him. I want him to want me and to pay attention to me and to be there for me. I don't need it, but I want it. I just don't know if I'll ever get what I want. 

Friday, March 4, 2016

Happily awake

Oh, insomnia. You detestable old foe...

I guess I should be grateful that at least you've arrived during my spring break. And when tomorrow won't be too terribly difficult to handle. And two weeks later than expected. And because of amazing feelings of joy. 

I am so desperately happy to be engaged to my wonderful man that I cannot sleep. It's a much different occasion than your usual visits. 

I pluck my eyebrows, do my toenails, and try all the usual tricks to tucker myself out, except smoking pot. I haven't been smoking lately and have no intention of it any time soon.

I wait. 

An hour goes by past the time I'd like to be asleep. Then another. And another. And still I lie awake. I just can't stop thinking about our wedding. The details and possibilities and specifics. I put on the song I want to walk down the aisle to in the darkness of my silent bedroom and start crying. I can't believe how happy I truly feel with my life. I'm so humbled and grateful. 

I mentally take off and can't stop, my thoughts tumbling over one another for hours. I start to incessantly plan. I plan to hide the fact of this song until our wedding day when it unexpectedly starts playing. I decide to surprise my future husband with this little gift. I know he will be blown away by it, and though the event is a year and 8 months away, I can already barely handle the excitement. 

Oh, insomnia. You're a child again. 

You're not the version I've seen over the past few years - full of guilt and dread and worry. You're the you you were when I was an adolescent. When I would lie awake with big dreams and even bigger and more elaborately detailed plans. 

It's strange to see you like this. And though I wish you would leave, I have to admit it's almost sort of pleasant to see you on these terms. 

But, alas. I invited Benny to take care of you. Because someone or something has to at some point tonight. I do have a present to get to...

And then, slowly, there are the images creeping in to my mind of a consciousness that I need to transition to. 

As thunder suddenly rumbles, I feel electricity in my bones. I didn't think I could feel like this again in life. It's spectacular.