Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Beer for Dinner

The battery on my scale was dead for about a week. I finally replaced it this morning, and I was scared of what the number would be... For some reason I had convinced myself that I would weigh about ten pounds more than I actually did. The number wasn't terrible - I just wish I had eaten light yesterday instead of "normal" so that it would have been even lower today.

I ate minimal today - some green beans, turkey, cheese stick, and a couple bites of sweet potato and fat free pudding. I decided to call it a night with a big beer and a cigarette. I told myself no food and came home hungry to the smell of my roommate cooking chicken. FML... I closed myself in my room and lit a candle. I'm going to wait til the beer kicks in and she's done in the kitchen to go have my ciggy. I'm going to dash to the porch to smoke once the smell has dissipated.

I think of my roommate as antisocial, but I think it's actually me that's also antisocial... I think we're more alike in that category than I initially thought. I have moments when I wish she was more social, but most of the time I'm ok with her being tucked away in her bedroom because I stay tucked away in mine. The rest of my life forces me to be SO social, I just can't do it at home.

I "broke up" with Jay the other night... It was weird. I texted him basically saying that I had hoped we could be friends, but that's clearly not happening, and I regret it. I said I was sad about it. He texted me back some pathetic "I'm basically useless at the moment... have a lot going on" bullshit. I replied "You don't owe me any kind of an explanation. It is what it is. Good luck with whatever you have going on, and I'm always here for you if you need anything." It all sounded very final, and that's how I feel about it. I think in the past, my instinct with anyone would be to pry and try to get them to open up and take on all their problems and not make them carry their half of a friendship, but I'm truly over doing that in life... If you can't carry your half of a friendship enough to just fucking TELL me when you have something going on, then it's not really a friendship. And if you don't show me courtesy, then why should I check in with you anyway??

Plus, I think we're simply too different... I am fire and he is ice. I burn bright and hot and feel my emotions in a raw place and melt hearts and spread to others... He is cold and quiet and bitter. He is solitary and distant and frozen inside and refuses to warm up to anyone... Fire and ice cannot be together. They cannot even be friends.

Mentioning friends, I thought about Gerard a lot last night... I'm not sure why... I composed a text that I never sent about 50 times and looked up his facebook. He seems to be the same old person. A part of me misses him - a big part. I would have sent the text if it weren't for the ex and knowing that if he ever found out it would devastate him. I decided a long time ago that I can't have both of them in my life at the same time, and I made my choice. It just still hurts to miss people sometimes, and I wish it wasn't like that.

I wish I could feel my emotions and speak my mind and have people without having drama and issues. I wish the world were a different place...

Monday, December 12, 2016

Mia has been around a lot this week

Sometimes I try to eat normally... I tell myself "Just a normal meal, and I don't have to purge it."

Then, as soon as my plate is clean and my food is ingested, her voice comes in. "You realize there is no other way. The result had to be this all along."

I create a problem to which there is only one solution. Digestion is not a permissible course of action. I purge because there is no other option.

My emotions are a fucking wreck this week, and I don't know yet quite what is bothering me. I feel sad, depressed, anxious, and lonely.

I want a boyfriend. I don't like being single... I've been getting plenty of attention from my ex, and I do love him, but the whole scenario sucks, and my mind wanders down a thousand different paths when I give it a moment's worth of attention. The past, present, and future all collide in my brain, shattering my thoughts and sending shrapnel to the various corners of my lobes.

And then, there is Jay. Whom I have given up on... I think I need to realize it was a nice evening and a nice thought, but he is too messed up. He doesn't know how to be a friend to someone else, and I don't feel like teaching him.

I don't know if I really know, anyway...  I sit at home browsing thinspo and binging and purging and watching fucked up movies. 

I need to do what I did with the other fuckboys and delete his number, but I haven't taken that step yet... I know it's on the horizon, but I can't bring myself to pull the trigger yet.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

No food day

The past two days, I've been emotional and trying to figure myself out... I didn't eat food today...

B: Diet pill
L: Detox tea and Diet Coke
D: Glass of wine

I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat anything every again... I want to shrink up to nothing and blow away in a strong wind. I want to lose 20 pounds and feel good about myself again. Sitting in class last night and watching the presentation on ED's made me miss my old body. I miss feeling thin. I miss feeling my bones... I miss looking really cute in whatever clothes I wanted to wear. I miss how it all was, and I want it back. I need it back... And I'm going to get it back.

I invited the ex over last night to spend the night with me. I missed him. I needed physical affection. I needed someone who knows me and understands me and loves me regardless. I haven't talked to Jay in a couple days, and I think it's better that way. He is not for me. I know it, but it still sucks. I needed space from him, and I still do at the moment. I texted him a generic statement, solely for the purpose of keeping the lines of communication open, but I really don't actually want to talk to him.

I want to isolate and not eat and starve myself until I feel better and my life figures itself out.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Lately

The past few times I've had alcohol, I've gotten super depressed. I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself to plan my future, and I can't. I feel like I have to pick between Jay and the ex and my feelings for each of them, but right now I don't think I actually have to do that. I have time, and I need to start utilizing it.

I went out with Jay last night for drinks. He's a good person. And for some reason I feel incredibly comfortable with him. I'm not sure if it's him, or just me getting to a point where I don't care what others think... I'm starting to think being happy with myself is what matters most. I don't hesitate to speak my mind in almost any situation anymore in life. And for some reason, others gravitate toward me because it it.

Jay makes me laugh, he listens to my stories, and he shares with me. He lets me in, and I don't think that's normal for him. We have a connection and an understanding that I think means something. I think he cares about me. And I think a lot of people have given up on him because he doesn't make it easy to be his friend. He keeps people out, but I don't think it's on purpose. I think he's genuinely misunderstood. His behaviors make it seem like he doesn't like a person, but I think in reality he doesn't know how to relate to other human beings properly. He comes across as being offensive in some ways or disappointing, but it's not what his intention is. I feel like I can do or say anything around him, and he accepts me. It's so rare to have in life, that I don't want to let go of it.

But I hate that I like him. I fight it. And it's not the first time I've had to keep myself in the friend zone when I so desperately didn't want to be there with someone - he's just another Ryan. I know how to do it; I just wish I didn't have to right now. It's probably for the best because I am very confused about how to handle my future, and I know it would complicate everything even more, but moments like last night are difficult... When he touches my hand, and I notice the small freckle on the right side of his nose and his small patch of chest hair inside his shirt... When I hug him goodnight and kiss his cheek and he lingers well after all the lights come on without hurrying off into the night. Those are the moments I have to tell my heart to be still. And for some reason I'm choking up writing this. Maybe I don't like the friend zone as much as I'm just going to accept it... 

I think I need to focus on myself more. When Kate told me that the other day, I didn't know how to react or what she was even really saying to me... How do I focus on myself more? The fact that I couldn't even answer this question for myself was pretty eye-opening.

Today I felt lost. Like I didn't know which way to go or what to do with myself. I don't know whether to laugh or cry all day, I have no energy, and I'm completely lacking motivation. It might be because of the drugs I did last night, but I think it's also just me... I'm a little depressed.

I was reading back over some old blog entries today, and I miss my Ana days... I think it's time for a refresher. I didn't eat at work yesterday - just had uppers and caffeine and then beer for dinner with a little blow... I really desperately want to be thin again. I miss it. I miss the feeling of knowing that no matter what else is going on, as least I look good.

Sometimes, I wish I could just ditch the work of anything and everything and party. Part of me wants to be a reckless, drug-abusing, alcoholic slut, and part of me wants to be a virginal, well-educated pious little perfectionist. I try to be somwhere in the middle, but it's not easy. Last night when I was drifting off to sleep, I found myself feeling guilty about doing drugs and drinking on the weekends and then going off to work at a rehab facility during the week. I wonder what my friends think about it... I wonder what is actually healthy... I don't have a problem with drugs or drinking - I utilize them so infrequently now that it's almost funny to think about how much I USED to.

In reality, I think that's what each of the boys I care for represent... If I end up with Jay, there will be drugs and drinking and fasting with ease. If I end up with C, then I have to stay sober and careful and be a real adult... I think I'm still undecided as to what I want to do with my life. Being a therapist is only one element of my life. It doesn't mean I have to be a different person to be effective.

I loved last night that I had the epiphany with Jay about why I love it so much... I told him it's because the people who come to me want to change and grow and fix things. So many people do not want that in the world. So many people want to stay where they are and not make the effort. But my clients want better.

I also want better... I just don't know what better is for ME. I don't want some ideal of better. I want real better. I want messy but happy. I want true and deep emotions for real things and people. And to look at myself in the mirror and like all of what I see, on the outside and deep in my eyes.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Oh, Jay

Jay and I had a two week period where we barely spoke... I got upset and then did the girl thing where I told him I was upset and then refused to talk about it. He chased me.

Last night I went out with coworkers for a couple drinks. He followed me over and we ended up talking things through. I know he's messy, but I like him. I think he's smart and funny and nerdy and cute. I think he is interesting, and if I had my way, we'd spend more time together. He asked me about Wednesday, and I hope we end up doing something together...

I hoped last night he would kiss me. I wanted one. Badly. But it's too fragile right now, and I know that, so I let it go. I hope he was thinking about it also... I wish I would have cheek pecked him, but we started getting giggly and goofy right before I said goodnight to him.

I spent Thanksgiving away from the ex, drinking and being emotional but keeping myself under control. I hope I didn't make a fool out of myself, because I felt like maybe I was. I constantly feel that way lately...

Most days I don't know how to feel or what to feel, so I just wait. I don't make decisions, and I don't do things I don't want to do. I wanted to see the ex and the kids on Friday, so I took them all to lunch, but it wasn't what I wanted. It stresses me out to be with all of them. I end up throwing money at the situation and then running. I get uncomfortable. It's always stress with them. It's so dysfunctional in so many various respects that I feel myself wanting to run.

Last night he was texting me about other boys and being paranoid that they would get to touch me or what have you, and I ignored him. I was getting annoyed, and Ee told me, "Just don't respond then."  So, I didn't. And I didn't feel guilty. I felt free. And I enjoyed myself without checking my phone and without worrying about someone else for a single night. He wanted to come over tonight, and I said no. He asked me about Ee's birthday, and I said I wasn't going, but I didn't give him some big long reassuring story, and I told him from now on, I'm going to ignore the crazy texts.

I think that is part of the appeal of Jay... It's going slow, but it's genuine, and he doesn't seem to want to change who I am. He seems to like who I am, and every time I spend time with him, I feel genuinely bonded to him in a way that makes me scared to lose him. Sometimes I think the ex wants to change me as much as I want him to change his dysfunctional things. I want him to make healthy changes and he wants me to become something I'm not ever going to be... I think the physical violence came from somewhere that's not better, and I wonder it if ever will be. I don't think we truly love what the other person is. I think I've changed too much for the better and he hasn't changed enough. We fell in love with ideals that doen't exist. As for the future, who knows what people we will be... But right now it's not working. And I think it's more than just the drinking. I think he doesn't trust me and wants me to dress and act and talk a certain way that I'm not. I want to be faithful because I'm happy and not out of obligation or feeling like I should behave a certain way.

With Jay, I am honest, and he takes it. He's honest with me, and I can tell. He opens up to me... He tells me private things, and I find myself telling him private things in return. And before I can feel weird about it or like it makes me a worse person, he says something to make it feel ok. He told me last night I'm different from all of our coworkers. "All of them" he said and motioned into the building. He told me, "You're amazing."

I have such a nice time spending time with him. We nerd over science and our favorite TV shows and just talk about random shit, and it feels effortless. It feels like it did with Bogart, except with Bogart I wasn't attracted to him. That has been the case with all the fuck boys - I'm either attracted and it's hard af to have the relationship, or it's effortless, but I'm not attracted. With Jay it feels like both. I'm crazy attracted... I'm practically slapping myself in the face for not trying to kiss him last night. And I re-live that night in my car a LOT lately... And it's effortless. And he's told me when it's not to get mad at him and call him out. Who does that??

But still I don't know how to feel... Maybe I just never do...

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Blue Jay

I like Jay. I don't want to...

We've been talking almost daily, and we went out for drinks on Friday. I could tell at the bar that he wanted to kiss me, but I didn't expect anything to really happen. I was hoping for maybe a peck, or at the most a few minutes of kissing. The last time we went out for drinks, he didn't kiss me at all or even walk me to my car, so I wasn't holding my breath. I had been questioning if he was even interested until this week when he was drunk texting me telling me how gorgeous I am and how every time he sees me he fantasizes about going down on me, which blindsided me a little.

Friday he walked me to my car and pulled me in for a hug, standing next to my car with the driver's door open, and didn't let go. He made a little shaky breathing noise, and suddenly we were kissing. I have tried to figure out who kissed whom, but I think we both just kissed each other. Then he started making out with me. He was hungry and aggressive and passionate. I peeked at him, and he was enjoying himself, in the moment, and so hungry...

That went on for a few minutes, and then he pulled away. I expected him to say he had to go, because that's his style. He's been taking things with me much slower than other boys do. We've been talking for weeks, and that was only the first time he kissed me... I expected him to draw a line like he has been... But he didn't. He instead closed my driver's door and opened the door to my back seat and basically all but shoved me in there. I leaned into the front to slide the passenger seat out of the way because it was leaned back rather far, and when I turned back around he was pulling me in and kissing me with his hands all over my body. He was rubbing me and grabbing on my tits, and the next thing I knew he was practically ripping my pants off. He pushed me back into the corner of the back seat and started eating me out. He was SO aggressive, I could barely handle it. I was wasted and exhausted, and still it was amazing... He hugged me after. And I mean HUGGED me. And then he got weird and apologetic and I pulled him back in for another and took one. I needed it as much as he did. It was romantic and not just sexual, which was the nice part about it.

Now I don't know what to do... He's been texting me constantly lately. Every day we talk. Except today... Today I'm sad because we haven't... Today every time my phone goes off, it's the ex, and I'm annoyed.

I guess things got messy, and I think he has a girl that was around before I showed up. I think I word vomited a little last night out of fear. I think I'm the homewrecker. He's told me, "I don't know what we are. We've hung out a few times, and I don't think it's going anywhere. I feel guilty, even though I know I shouldn't." It's messy... Because I don't know whether to think he has a girlfriend or to believe him that there's no title and it's a complicated scenario. I don't know if he won't fuck me because he's fucking her... I tried to get him to let me fuck him or to come home with me and he said he can't. He wouldn't. It makes me feel shitty, but I guess I should just enjoy whatever I get from this, and maybe I'll win this one in the end... One thing's for sure tho, I won't win if I freak him out...

I told him I don't expect that to happen again. But that he better not cut me off. He promised he wouldn't and that he will take me to happy hour soon.

I guess all I can do is wait and see... I want to talk to him today, but I think he needs space... Maybe I need space.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Recovering

Sometimes people think because your a pretty girl that you must not have feelings. That because you're strong they don't have to watch out for them. It sucks to be a girl. It sucks to be rejected harshly and by someone who seems to enjoy the process of rejecting you so much. 

Daniel is insane. I know that. But it doesn't make it hurt less. I don't know why or how I even got attached, but the severe rejection hurts...

A house full of miserable people... I didn't belong there. Maybe I don't belong anywhere. The things I have to do to fit in with people like that are too much for me. I feel like a freak or a reject. Like the same old sad girl in high school that didn't know how to act. I guess I still don't... 

Do I think of the ex as a fallback or a real option?? What kind of life do I want?? 

I guess this is the process for figuring those things out. It's miserable. But I get one step closer each time. I know it's no Adam for me, and now no Daniel. 

If Jay doesn't hang out with me today, then he's off the list too, and if we hang out and nothing happens, same outcome. 

Friday, August 12, 2016

Confused but losing weight

I slept with him... And it was fantastic. I feel like if I weren't headed in a completely different direction in life, I would probably like him. The scenario of how everything happened was cute. His roommate told me his side of it... Yeah, he's cute.

But god... I really do love my fiance... Today I feel a little guilty. Not insanely, because I understand how this has all transpired, but I need to stop. I need to stop having side-guys. This means I either need the fiance to fix things for REAL like permanently, or I need to be single. Right now I'm still trying to decide which one is a better scenario. I wish he would step up, but I don't know if he ever will, and I'm so out of patience it's disgusting. I'm tired of having the same talks about the same things over and over and I'm ever tired of saying THAT. This week it's back to old shit with him, and I don't want that.

In other news, the scale this morning was super fucking nice. I've lost a total of 10 pounds since I started trying to lose weight.

One day at a time, I suppose. What else can I do? I'm about to be so busy with my semester that I don't have opportunity to fuck around with MW. I'm about to be so busy that I can't do fucking anything. And I need my fiance. This is the ultimate last test of us... I just hope we pass it. And I hope my body does as well.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Fuck my life

MW didn't come to work tonight. I was annoyed. And then annoyed that it annoyed me. He texted me all night. 

He gives me the attention I so desperately want. 

"What are you doing? But what are you doing?"

Stil trying to get over things, I guess. But maybe that's just an excuse to do what I want. Right now I want to feel pretty and important for someone to spend time on and not taken for granted. And I'm tired of asking for those things. 

I want him. I want the one night he says I can have. I know the boost it'll give things... And I want to feel all of it. 

Adam will be a disappointment for eternity. So the solution is to severely and drastically lower current standards. But I don't want to just walk away. I still want to be his friend for some ridiculous God-forsaken reason. And I want to have a new boy toy and him to see it like I had to see he and Hannah. 

I want everything this would give me... Except the guilt. 

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Little gain; big-ass stress

The number on the scale today was higher than yesterday... I'm not sure exactly why, but like a pound and a half higher. I think it's probably because of my late night cereal last night, but I can't understand why that little bit would lead to suuuch a jump. I'm going to assume it's nothing and keep going.

I need to figure out a schedule that doesn't wreck my metabolism... I have a fear it's sensitive these days. I think I'm going to implement "normal" eating days weekly from now on, or attempt to have higher caloric days about once a week. I cannot afford to have a crash. I'll get right back up, and I can't have that!

5 days til the beach, and my weight is not where I wish it was... But I have not been purging, and that is a HUGE plus. I just need to keep going. I researched some stuff today, and I feel like I have a good grasp on what to do - just keep going!

I'm kind of excited to work with MW tonight... If nothing else, I know he'll be flirting with me and getting me all excitable and I can come home and take it out on the fiance. I guess we'll just see how it goes... I'm going to make sure I look hot as fuck before I go to work. Ha ha!

Think thin.

Body and boys (yet again)

The scale was SO nice to me today. When I think about it, my eating has been pretty damn good lately. So, maybe I deserved it. Today was ok... Kind of a big dinner but smaller breakfast and lunches than usual, so I'm hoping it balances out.

I didn't text MW tonight. But, I did toy with the idea for about two solid fucking hours. The fiance has been such an emotional mess the past few days, and I'm getting tired of some of his behvior lately. He got drunk and passed out tonight, and I had plenty of opportunity to text MW, but I made myself restrain. If I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure if the restraint comes from actually wanting to be good or knowing that a little distance will make him want me that much more tomorrow...

For now, I've decided I am not going to fuck him - told him this - but that enjoying the attention and fantasy is fun. I like texting him. He spends hours texting me back hanging on my every word and chit chatting and doing whatever I ask him to, and telling me how amazing I am. I actually really do want to fuck him... I've seen the goods, and they look fantastic; and I think from all our conversations that he would be fun. But, I'm trying to be good. I'm trying to be a grownup. I told him some ground rules for working together, and he told me, "I don't know if I can keep my hands off you the next time I see you." I kind of feel the same way... I am saying and doing things mostly the right way, but inside I wish he would grab my by my pussy, drag me into the bathroom at work and fuck me senseless...

They say you get something from "affairs" or what have you that you're not getting from your actual relationship. I know that what I get from side boys is feeling appreciated and doted on. The fiance has never been very good at that. Today in fact, I texted him and said I loved him and he responded with a question as to when my beach trip was. I know he loves me and appreciates me, but he does not show it enough. And frankly, I get tired of complaining about the same things.

But I want him. I love him, and he loves me. I just wish he were better at it.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Low scale and mood

The scale this morning was fantasticccc. I decided to have a cheat day today and then fast tomorrow. I didn't go crazy - light brunch with drinks, meat and veg for lunch, and a couple sweets. Tomorrow I'm not going to weigh in, going to fast, and Tuesday I should be right on track again.

Last night was crazy... I made out with MW... He's been wanting to sleep with me for a year, but he slept with Lolly, and I'm not that kind of friend. Also, I am sticking to being faithful to the fiance and not fucking other dudes anymore... I'm getting better at not being such a fucking attention whore, and I want it to stay that way.

But, he came out with us to drink last night (liquid dinner!) and then to Lolly's to smoke. I was high and drunk, and he was hitting on me. We were texting back and forth sitting outside with everyone. and he was asking me for pics and such. I went in to get another beer, and he followed me into the kitchen when everyone else was outside and grabbed my ass and started kissing me.

Honestly, it was nice. It's weird with him, because I know he would fall in love with me in an instant if I would let him in, but he also knows I'm not going to do that. We have had SUCH honest conversations about things, it's strange. He's genuine which is HUGELY different from Adam and a lot of the other fuckboys. He thinks I'm beautiful and special for some reason... He was telling me how fantastic my body is last night. It was nice to hear because I knew it wasn't bullshit. He actually thinks that.  He's just not for me... I want to marry the fiance, and MW knows and doesn't want to interfere in my being happy.

As far as make outs go, it was tame. Middle-school status, to be honest. We started to get a little heavy at one moment - he picked me up and sat me on the kitchen counter and started kissing me - but then someone came in the front door, and I hopped down and we pretended to be talking. The whole thing was ridiculous. Lolly got a little upset, and I could tell, so I called her after I left. She basically told me I had permission to do whatever I want with him, but I could tell her attitude when she came in the kitchen that she was a little annoyed. I honestly think it was more about her wanting my attention than his though. She wanted me to come hang out with her, and I spent like half an hour in the kitchen flirting and mildly making out...

It's just not something I'm going to do though. He texted me late asking if I was still up. I texted him tonight just to chat. It's mild and safe but helping me get over Adam, which I need for some reason. I think last night was honestly more about him than getting MW attention... I wanted to talk to Adam. He came up to me at work and rubbed my shoulders. JP told me (we gossip about Adam because they are bros and JP also has a huge crush on me) that he and his little girl are having issues, as I predicted. I wanted to just chat about how things transpired between us. He didn't show up, as usual. JP didn't show up so I could vent to the appropriate person. And then there was MW, just sitting there cracking jokes and smiling and paying me attention that I desperately needed because I was feeling reckless as fuck and grossly needy.

I don't know what's wrong with me or why I get like this - needing male attention and to hear that I'm sexy or pretty or desirable. I feel so fucking ugly and disgusting and WORTHLESS. I don't get why guys always tell me I'm "too good" or that they would "never make the same mistakes as Adam" and how they would "kill for a chance" etc. I get my confidence from boys. And boys wanting me. And boys pursuing me. And even though I have the fiance at home who gives me that, it's not enough for me. For some reason, it has to be more than just that. I need fall-backs and side-guys and fuck-boys. I need someone at home who is a REAL relationship and a REAL person, and then I need boosts. I need boys who I know are beneath me to tell me how amazing I am. But I need to have lines I don't cross. I need to have boundaries. I need to get my confidence from other fucking places.

Because I'm tired of guilt. I'm tired of knowing he's being faithful and I'm not.

So, today I feel conflicted. Because I'm proud of myself for not fucking MW (I could have). And, I'm glad to have kissed a little and gotten my confidence up... But I know I should have taken my feelings about Adam and not gotten neurotic and gone home. I should have not been an attention whore. Being good at it or careful or whatever is just not ok with me anymore.

I'm not ok with how I act or the ways I cope with my feelings. I need to get my body in shape and my head on straight and stop doing things that could ruin my real life. I need to grow up.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Great scale news

The scale showed me the most lovely number this morning... One I haven't seen in a long time. One I've been wanting SO badly for far too long... I've lost 8 pounds since I started trying again.

Next GW is 8 pounds away...When I get to that number, it will be my "single weight." It will be the weight I was at when I felt comfortable enough to just get naked and sleep with dudes. I'm using the word "comfortable" loosely here...

Then I will be 8 pounds away from my UGW of 129 pounds. My body gallery looks good at that weight. I cruise around it a lot... All I want is bikini nice. I can get there. I just have to keep motivated and focused and not get comfortable.

In 10 days my mom and I are going to the beach for a little vacation. Only about 4 days. I know the eating is going to be difficult with her... I'd love to have lost at least 5 more pounds by then. I feel like that's doable and a good number for damage control when I get back. Then I'd love to weigh my second goal weight of 137 by the end of the month.

16 more pounds seems like a lot to lose, but I want it. I don't think it's unreasonable like when I went from 165 to 114. I lost FIFTY fucking pounds before... I only want half that...

Today's planned eats:
B: FF cottage cheese and pineapple - 100 cals
L: salad perhaps... 200 cals
S: apple and coffee - 50 cals
D: chicken and and veg - 150 cals

Thinking thin.

Easy scale and hard Adam situations

The scale has been more than forgiving the past two days. It has dropped a little even with my shitty late night eating. I'll attribute it to the fact that I so good all day before I fuck it up late night when everyone's asleep. That's been the pattern the past few days... 

I've reallyyyy got to stop smoking. When I smoke, I suddenly convince myself somehow that my calories aren't that much, that I won't eat that much of whatever I give in to, or that I'll "eventually" get the weight off. I get complacent and eat too much. Then I wake up in the morning with a head devoid of smoke and hate myself. 

I did better today. 

B: chicken and squash - 150cals
L: apple and coffee and bites at work - 150cals 
D: melatonin - 0cals. 
Total: 300cals = amazing 

Tomorrow I should see a very good number. I need to make sure I get in a workout also. 

Tonight at work was annoying... I hate Adam. I hate working with him. I hate knowing him well enough to see moments when he thinks that I'm pretty. I hate knowing what he's thinking and what he's not saying. I hate how I like his scent and still breathe it in when he's near. I hate how much he wants me to forgive him and how I actually want to. I hate how fucking immature and truly stupid he is. I hate what he did to what we had. He fucked it ALL up and made me feel like shit and I HATE when we have moments when it's clear to other people that we had something. He's too familiar. We still work somehow no matter how broken it actually is. I hate it. 

I'm off to dream of other realities. Melatonin working its magic... Think thin.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Good day for me but not the whole world

Today's intake:
Egg whites - 30 cals
Veggies - 80 cals
Tamale - 200 cals
Apple - 40 cals
Tomatoes - 10 cals
Chicken - 150 cals
Pop - 50 cals
Total: 560 = Glorious

Last night was fucking rough... I fasted the entire day yesterday - not one single bite of solid food. I had coffee and tea and allowed myself one beer to try to fall asleep. The beer, however, did not help. I had insomnia like a motherfucker. I recalled with astute awareness last night, lying there wide awake, how difficult falling asleep always seemed to be during my skinnier days. I could NEVER fall asleep. I would lie there endlessly some nights unable to get my energy level to deplete or my brain to turn off. Today I read that this is normal for fasting behaviors or extreme dieting... wtf... It seems so backward to me. I deprive my body of food, so it stays awake demanding more but not conserving what it has. I remember in the past using benadryl to fall asleep with about a 60% success rate. I'm going to try melatonin tonight and see how it goes. Alcohol obviously had no effect last night.

I am annoyed with most of my friends at the moment. My three closest friends all have stupid boy drama to the point where I told Lolly today, "I know you're getting frustrated with my reaction, but how do you expect me to react to this, really? I'm not going to act supportive when I'm not, and I think we both know this is a bad choice." She conceded, but she's still going to make the bad choice.

Same with Lyn lately - running back to her husband because no other guys will date her at the moment. Because she's insane and so desperate to have a boy at all times she won't LET herself be single for more than a week. But in her marriage, she's cheated on him several times because she's so damn unhappy. And yes, I'm still upset about her slutty behavior during her visit...

And Jen has dropped off the face of the fucking earth since she started dating this pretentious new older guy who seems controlling... She always does that - gets sucked in and disappears only to resurface about 8 months later a blubbering mess discussing how unhappy she has been and how this new guy changed her. She's the queen of denial who ALSO needs a guy at all times. Most of her boyfriends overlap... 

And Ee... I don't even know where to start with him. He's come out as gay, but I truly believes he has a huge crush on me. He's been acting SO weird, and I just don't even know what to do with him. He is just so NEGATIVE all the time and complains about SO much that I just get over it. I started to distance myself just before he went on vacation, and his ten day absence has been nice, to be honest. But he's noticed. And he's started clinging a bit. And then a couple people have told me how much smack he's been talking lately and how my name comes up... I just want him to leave me alone lately, and I don't really know where that feeling is coming from, but it's there. He's just drama, and it's pointless, and he's miserably unhappy because he chooses to be that way every DAY, and I don't want to get sucked into it.

I just want to be left alone lately. I want to spend time with my fiance away from the drama of my workplace or friends. I think I need new friends... I. Need. New. Friends. There's the bottom line, I think, in reality. I have good ones who are loyal and faithful, and I know how rare that is and that I need to hold onto them because of this, but I just wish they weren't all so FUCKED up and childish sometimes. I mean, I know I'm fucked up also, but they drag me into scenarios where they come to me for advice and then complain about the negative consequences when they ignore it. I do not do that to people. I don't ask for advice in the first place because I'm a goddam grow ass woman and don't need any. And I don't want to keep telling people, "I told you so" all the fucking time. It's getting old, and so are they. It's time to grow up or leave me out of it...

But, alas, I'm going to set my head on my pillow and see what happens.

Think thin, lovelies.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

FML is all I've been thinking

I am going to fast today. I am going to fast today.  I am going to fast today.

I binged last night. It was gross. I couldn't stop. I did fantastic all day, but then I let myself have a glass of wine and a joint, and I FUCKED it up... I don't think I can smoke anymore. It makes me eat. It makes my inhibitions too low, and I fuck things up. I need to use it as a reward for losing and not a daily routine.

I need to work out more instead. Daily. I need to get my body in shape.

I had a dream last night that the fiance and I were at the beach, and there was this perfect blonde girl in a black bikini and he was checking her out. That could be me if I just fucking worked a little harder. I can be Jeane... I can be hot. I just need to make myself get there. I need to focus. I am going to hate my entire wedding and honeymoon if I don't get myself ready, and I KNOW it.

Bri's wedding is in a couple months. I want to be thin by then. I want to be way more fit.. And I CAN DO IT. I JUST NEED TO DO IT.

The plan:
  • Morning workout before shower for 15 mins daily.
  • Under 1,000 cals a day, and goal is under 650.
  • One fast day a week.
  • For every 5lbs lost, I get a glass of wine and a joint, and then back on track.
I really can make it work if I stop being such a fucking fat bitch.

Escape

Sometimes I question what it would be like to run away.

I long to live simply. To pack a small bag and take my small self out into the big wilderness for a time. I want to live with basic necessities and no expectations from anyone in the universe. I want to feel the earth and water and wind and fire. I want to go on a soul searching journey.

I want to disconnect from electricity. From business. From everything placed on me by modern society. I want to escape.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Thin, please

I ate just enough today to keep myself going. The scale was kind this morning. My classmate asked if I had lost weight. The cashier at the gas station looked at me with disdain and asked if I wanted some chips. I could have done better, but I know I'll get there. My brain runs a million miles an hour. It's time for my body to do the same. 

I want to be thin. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Hungry

Today I had a cup of coffee, some
Shiritake noodles with meat sauce, some watermelon, and a few bites of miscellaneous things. 

I didn't eat a bite until 8pm. 

I want it back. All of it. All of the ED. 

My body is the only thing in my life that holds me back. It's the only thing I'm unhappy with at the moment. It's the only thing I can't fucking stand that causes me anxiety and depression. 

I can remember a time when losing 5 pounds would take a week tops. I need to find that motivation again. I am fat and gross right now. I need to be skinny for me and him and the whole world. 

I'm hungry. It's 3am and I need to go to sleep. I want to feel hungry forever. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Blah

I had such a bad hangover today that I skipped out on group and class. I don't even feel guilty... 

I need to stop drinking. My body can't handle it. I didn't even feel like I got that shitty last night... I still feel like garbage. Also I don't really fucking enjoy myself when I go out and get fucked up. I want to stay home with my man and not be out with the crazies. 

I got a lot done today beyond it. I feel guilty about skipping and fucking lying my way through 2/3 of my paper but I'm still a work in progress... One day I won't even remember today or last night or anyone or anything I think is important in this current moment. 

I just need balance. More of it. I need to be stricter with routines and schedule free time instead of stealing it from days I should be out hustling to get ahead. 

I am lucky he loves me... His snores next to me before bedtime are musical. I just hope the random short calls at 2am aren't anything sketchy and that the chicks he talks to in his game aren't anything either. I fucking worry a lot. 

Friday, July 1, 2016

Adam and Lonely

So, my life lately...

Adam will not leave me the FUCK alone. I don't get wtf his goal is at this point, but I haven't spoken a word to him in over three weeks... He just harasses me at work.

His behaviors include:
Approaching Mike while I'm talking to him and saying, "Oh, hey Mike, is Cally training you?"
Telling Leslie while I'm within earshot that a coworker is not speaking to him and upset with him.
Coming over to my table and picking up my paperwork and looking at it and then looking at me and walking away.
Saying things to me directly, including calling me by name, in passing. 

And lots more... Yesterday he was hanging around a lot. I could tell he wanted to talk to me, but I continued with the silent treatment. I told Lolly last night that as much as this annoys me, it's also kind of flattering. I told her the Saturday night we all went out was kind of crazy because I was sitting there drunk, watching him drink, watching him fidget and knowing it would be extremely easy to get him to invite me over and fuck him. I obviously didn't do that, but seeing his behavior lately and knowing that he's upset by how this played out is downright intoxicating. 

Then tonight we got into it. Like kind of bad. He was running his mouth, being a dick, threw away my fucking food. I called him out, got confrontational, talked about him to a select few people, and called it a night. I stopped to get gas on the way home and he was fucking THERE. Like wtf, universe. I parked right next to him unknowingly, but sped off when I saw him inside. I contemplated hitting him with my car for a split second. 

I want to quit my job. Badly. Next semester is going to be a huuuuge amount of hours that I have to put into school, and I am just tired of the people there. I'm loving having clients so much that I want to only do that... I hate the fucking drama at my job right now. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm getting a little burnt out with school also right now, but I just keep reminding myself that it's almost over.

I'm feeling depressed lately. And I realized it's because I haven't had fun in a while. I have no free time. I have too much homework and too much responsibility to function normally at the moment. Plus stress over money and various other things...

And I miss my fiancé. Even now, I'm at home while he's at work. Lately there's a lot of such scheduling, and it's annoying. It makes me worry. And lonely. 

I feel really lonely right now... I can't really take the time to hang out with coworkers or friends lately, and the fiancé is not home... It's just me and my fucking homework and then off to a job with assholes that I hate. It's not quality personal time with anyone... And the only ones I really want that with are my family and fiancé and stepkids. I was hoping my brother would come visit this weekend, but he's not... So Monday will be lonely also. 

I'm annoyed with everything right now. 




Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Hater

I'm pissed and SUPER fucking annoyed...

With the bestie: for being SUCH a fucking needy bitch all the time and flirting with my man and every other fucking man on the planet and being so emotionally codependent that she fucking going back to the piece of shit she just left, because after a couple of months dealing with her crazy, ALL other guys leave her. I hate how fucking dysfunctional she is and how she acts like it's just fucking ok to be that way and like she's not the one who's responsible to get her fucking head on straight. It's not fucking cute to be a mess and it's not fucking funny the way she acts. She's fucking pathetic and exhausting.

I'm pissed with Lolly: for having no fucking self-respect and inconveniencing my life only to put hers back into a shitty place. And for not thanking me for fucking helping her all the goddamn time and not doing me any fucking favors in return.

And I'm pissed that these are my "best" friends in life. And I can't address half this shit with them because I HAVE in the past, and it doesn't fucking matter because they don't fucking LISTEN. They just keep fucking up their lives and then want to whine about it when it's fucking shitty.

Like, GODDAMN FUCK OFF. 

My goddam vagina is on fire, and my ovaries are about to fall out, and everything is making me so mother fucking angry, I could spit acid.

I'm pissed as well that this fucking semester and taking addictions is BULLSHIT, and I don't really want to confess my "slips" and I just want to fucking drink and not hear about it from other people. I don't really give a flying fuck what people have to say about that habit AT ALL, and I wish Jay would just shut the fuck up and stop trying to be fucking helpful, because it's fucking NOT.

And I wish the goddamn power-tripping intern lady would not be such a CUNT.

Thank you, that is all.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Adam and Alcohol

The Adam stuff is all settled. At least on my end.

He never responded to my text saying he was dead to me and not to talk to me at work. He left e alone for a couple shifts, and then the last couple shifts we worked together, he kept getting in my conversations, saying things directly to me or about me, calling me by name.

My response has been to completely ignored him. I don't make eye contact, don't respond, don't look in his general direction, and walk away when he starts talking. I want to scream at him to shut the fuck up and call him names, but instead I just keep with the silent treatment, because I feel like that's far more impactful in this situation.

Then, two nights ago after work, it all came to a head. I went out and drank with my coworkers. I wanted to hang out with Ee and decompress a bit because there's been a lot of drama and bullshit going on lately. Ee and I went to the usual spot, but everyone else had gone to a different place. I texted Dani and asked her where she was and who was there. She told me the place and named off like 7 people. When I arrived, there were 8... Adam was there. Mr. "never goes out and doesn't drink" was standing there in his tank-top and basketball shorts with a beer in his hand. I decided to turn it on hard, and really make it a point that he was being ignored. I stripped down to my undershirt and went over to where he was standing in a group. I hugged all of them, save him, and and chit-chatted and laughed and giggled and was handsy and never once even looked in his direction. I threw myself around and flirted and even guys who were not in our group took note and started talking about me in range of Adam. One of my coworkers bought me a drink and when Ee asked if I wanted another one, I said that Jay was buying me one right as Adam came to talk to Ee. Another guy who used to work with us who at one point tried very hard to sleep with me was there, and I used the shit out of him, hugging him and getting tons of attention.

Ee and I were laughing like crazy, watching all the players who didn't even know they were players, and enjoying ourselves. It was epic.

But it kind of kicked off a little bender to be honest. I drank yesterday and the day before as well. I felt like it. I wanted to. My professor gave us an extension on our papers, so I decided to lay out by the pool, get some sun, cook a meal (skinny for my portion, of course) and drink a bit. The fiance and I had a fucking nice evening... I needed it.

I think I'm starting to decide my views on drinking via this class. I like to drink and do drugs. I don't think I have an actual problem. I just went two weeks with not a substance in my body. While that's the most sober I've been in ten years, and I'm proud, I'm also not feeling like it's something I need to keep up with... I want to be able to enjoy myself and drinking is part of that. Plus, for some reason, it's easier to chill about food when I drink a little.

And I don't like binging and purging. I've done it a few times lately when I was stressed, and I really don't fucking like it.

Friday, June 3, 2016

How can he love me?

I've been feeling like I'm a milisecond away from crying for days now...

Class on Wednesday was exhausting and mentally draining. I was on campus from 9am-10pm and dealing with all kinds of emotional shit... I can't even really explain the experiences I had, but when I was driving home, I started crying.

I hate myself. I hate the person that I am at this moment - eating disordered, fat, slutty, and addicted.

Yesterday we went to the beach for the man's birthday. Jordan wouldn't stop texting me, even though I wasn't responding. I'm going to block him. I got drunk, even thought I'm not supposed to be drinking right now, and got too hot at the beach with no food in my stomach. I ended up throwing up twice and felt extremely fucked up. The man and I got into two fights... Then he drove us home. I tried not to act like I was extremely sorry, because I feel like I shouldn't be in a way.

Today, I'm shouldning all over myself.. I should not have drank yesterday. I should have let him enjoy his birthday and taken it easy and not let myself get all fucking sick. I should have been the DD. I should have taken charge more. I should have packed better. Should, should, should.

I don't know why the fuck he loves me. I feel like I am the most disgusting and unlovable person on the planet. I have violated his trust so many times and done such awful shit. I'm gross and ugly. I'm worthless and lazy and trashy. And I know he sees all of this. I fear that one day, he'll just get too sick of it all and leave me.

I texted him that I felt lonely and started crying. There's something wrong with me.

He told me he loves me and will be home to cuddle me soon. I hope it's all true...

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Adam talked

Adam told people. About us. He flashed it around just enough that word got out, and we got into a huge argument. Then, he disconnected. As usual, during the coversation, he checked out and stopped responding. 

I got mad. I was hurt and angry, and I unleashed it. 

I told him off to the point that he said I was taking it too far. I didn't care. I wanted him to feel something. I wanted him to react and respond. He did - he told me not to talk to him outside work. 

At work, it was drama. Gossip and people asking a million questions. I made up a story that made him look bad, and I spread it to all the necessary people. After all the conversations, I found out that he had told people before this incident. I told him at the end of the night that I wanted to talk a little after work. He said we would, but he didn't come talk to me, and he left. I texted him later, but he didn't respond. I got drunk, vented to my friends, did some blow and texted him again. I told him he was dead to me and not to talk to me at work anymore. 

I asked Jon if he ever told anyone about me and Adam. He said he never would, it wasn't his place. I told him, "I guess he's been spreading things around." He replied, "That wouldn't surprise me. He ruins every good thing he ever has." It makes me want to cry just thinking about the entire scenario and how Jon thinks I'm a good thing worth having... 

Our evening at work together was full of me flirting with boys in front of him to the point where he looked crestfallen. I used them like little pawns, and they all did exactly what I needed them to. I wanted him to feel like he's missing out and like he fucked up, like everyone else wants me and they might be getting me. I know he was jealous the second time around when I was at his house that evening and his comments about me fucking other guys came out of his mouth. I know he was jealous last night. He was uncomfortable. He looked sad. His reactions have been emotional, but his lack of communication has been selfish and his mouth running extremely disrespectful. I know he wants me, but I don't think he respects me or knows how to handle me. 

He's fucking a girl we work with who's a completel bimbo with a boyfriend. I know it won't last. I know this. And I know how messed up he is, but my fucking girl jealous emotions are reeling. He's hidden it pretty well, and he's definitely tried not to let me catch on. I wonder, though, if it's because he wants to maintain me or her. I feel like gravitates to her because she's young and easy. She's naive and won't ever pressure him. She's like Maggie. The girl wears butt pads for godsake. She's no curvy hippie... And he literally knew she wanted to bang him and literally avoided it for months. I know I could ruin it with one conversation with her, but I won't. If he leaves me alone, I'll do the same. I'm better than all that. 

I'm still processing all the factors, but I know this all played out for the best. It, however, still stings. I have my real world. I have my closure. Just like I've had before with all the other side boys, I let them go in anger when they won't be honest with me and cling to the man I actually love. I did it with Gerard and Bird and Bogs... The ones I let in more than once are always a messy situation. 

And I end up missing them. I watch them go on to date or fuck other girls who I know don't measure up to me, and I think about them sometimes in the middle of the night. I always wonder if I'm special to them. If I meant anything. I'll never forget the evening when Bird told me I was a stupid bitch for being with Chris because he hit me. And the evening be told me he wanted to marry me. I know he loved me. I'll never forget the night Bogs said, "you are and always will be special to me." And I'll never forget the night I spent at Gerard's house when I could literally feel how much he wanted me to be with him then and forever. With Adam, I'm not sure... I don't think he let himself get to the point where he cared about me like they did. He cut it off to early and moved on to a girl he doesn't have to feel anything over. But I know he thinks I'm amazing. I know he loves me as much as he would let himself love anyone. 

I have to stop this process. I have to let this one go more quickly and with less emotion because of the situation. 

I need to stop getting a new boy when we break up. Hopefully that just never happens again and I don't need a fallback boy, because they never measure up... I wish I knew how to handle relationship issues without just getting a new one. It's like when your dog runs away and you immediately go get a new puppy. I do that with boys. Only sometimes the dog comes back home and I have to give the puppy away then. 

No one will ever be CS. That's why he's the one I'm going to marry. I need to realize that there's only one of him and one day he will have all his shit together. I just need to let go of our messy past. 

And I need to figure out why male attention is such a sickeningly strong need for me. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Mia

Some days I wake up and just know it's going to happen. Before I even step on the scale or worry about my life stressors or anything... I know Mia is going to take over. 

Totally unpleasant b&p. My semester is starting and I don't have my internship sight for next semester. I am broke as fuck and unable to get anyone to give up a shift. I didn't get to see the fiancé all day yesterday because when I finally got home he had drunk himself to sleep. I'm fat. I've been an alcoholic lately; I've been drinking every freaking night. I've been stressing like crazy. 

It makes me feel like shit and better simultaneously. How is that possible? 

Friday, May 13, 2016

Open brain, empty on blog

I'm settling down about Adam...

However, there is a certain amount of intimacy that suddenly exists with him. It's frustrating because I hate it and love it simultaneously. It's nice that he's not acting SO fucking exhausting and strange, but it's annoying that he took so long to get this way and that I constantly have to remind myself where the boundaries are.

He constantly cracks jokes and converses with me, references conversations we've had before, stays close, texts me back, even tells me his plans to go out... He and Al were talking about me tonight. I overheard them, and he said, "We have a different type of relationship." He was telling him that we're close. He said "different" but his tone said "special." Dom made a joke about how getting me was like wining the lottery and Adam chimed in, "We call that hitting a jackpot."

I'm a little fucking scared that he might run his mouth... It's scary/frustrating that John knows. After the Dom comment when we both walked away, he told me, "I almost said something totally different..." and I told him he better not. He laughed and smiled and told me he wouldn't say things in front of people, but I feel like he suddenly wants to tell people, and I don't like that uneasy feeling. 

He likes me. I know it, and while I kind of like him, it's not enough for anything. It's nice to get the attention, though. I think he likes to fantasize that we're close and there's potential. But, the reality is we will never be anything more than coworkers who hooked up. Buddies.

In reality, I love my fiance like fucking crazy, and I deeply fear that he could somehow find out about this last little fling. It's all too close, and this town is real fucking small sometimes. It makes me feel dirty and annoyed with myself. I hate that I let someone who's not worth the effort get into a place where he doesn't belong. If I were single, I still wouldn't let him have that much more than he currently gets. But the fact that I'm not makes me fucking pissed at myself that I let him have anything at all.

Anyway... Fucking boys suck...

My weight has dropped and plateaued. I lost about 7 pounds, and it's stayed off even with a couple current bad habits, which is encouraging. Now, it's time to lose a little more again. I need to restrict hard for another couple weeks so the cycle repeats itself. A slow decline...

Today was pretty good... I have to lay off the drinking for a while, though. I have been getting wasted, binging, purging, not planning my food enough... Today was good only because I ran errands all day and then went to work. Also, today is the first day I did not drink in a long-ass time. Like ten days or something. Crazy how much I have been drinking.

Anyway, I'm off to bed to try to sleep and forget all about the crap I just unloaded on here.

Friday, May 6, 2016

FML - Adam and the rest

I can't let it go. I can't stop thinking about it... I

I enjoy Adam. And that only happens with a very select few people in the history of Cally. Most of the guys I've fucked around with weren't anything that made me get all that excited. The physical aspects were always more of obligation so that I could get more attention. I used the physical to feel power. I got off on the attention. In reality, out of all the guys I've messed around with, there's only a few that I wanted the physical stuff with also. And Adam is one of them, which is what makes this shit so difficult. I want his attention, and I love the way he touches me. 

I texted him tonight. Something casual, but I wish I wouldn't have. He didn't respond, and I don't expect him to. He doesn't work tomorrow, so that's a relief. I don't know how I should interact with him now. I should probably ignore that this ever happened, but I don't know if I can...

It was so hot. The way he put his hands in my hair, the nibbling, the telling me to keep my hands out of things, him telling me how good I feel, him giving me a peck on the ass when I leaned up, and the fact that he was kissing me. And when I mentioned that he was kissing me, he just did it more. It wasn't, "when I kiss you I get emotional about you, so I don't want to." It was, "I like you. Kiss me and let me seduce you."

He let himself get drunk and go for it. It's so rare for him. I feel bad but also so fucking honored. 

The finance knows something is up. He hints. I hint back. I promise from now on. I'll be faithful from now on. I make jokes and use sarcasm and avoid details. He knows. But he doesn't want to know. So he's going to let it slide this time, but I think we both realize that's the last time he will. It's also the last time I ever want to do something like this, because I don't like how it makes me feel. 

But I did last night. And that's the fucking issue. 




Thursday, May 5, 2016

Fat whore.

I hate myself.

I'm a fat whore of a slut who doesn't deserve anything...

I hooked up with Adam last night... With an engagement ring on my finger. I needed to once more. Maybe not needed, but wanted. Badly wanted. I wanted to feel like I was pretty and sexy and he wanted me enough to make himself uncomfortable. I needed him to come back one last time like they all do. I needed him to let me in and stop bullshitting me. And I was wasted. Not that I think that makes it more forgivable or anything, but I was wasted. And I was out surrounded by attention and wanting more.

I had a fleeting thought that I should leave. That I should just get into my car and head home. And then he was pulling me in with his dick getting hard rubbing all over me. He was telling me how he wants to have anal sex once in his life and with me specifically. He was grabbing on my ass and telling me things about how hot last time was, and I got in his car, and we climbed into the back seat, and I got him off. He was calling me beautiful, breaking his own rules about food and drinking, actually kissing me, talking with me about his real life, and confessing that he had indeed told someone about us.

Until last night, I thought he hadn't told a soul we hooked up. I thought it meant so little or that he was so ashamed that he didn't tell anyone he fucked me. Then he tells me John knows. And even if he didn't, he does after last night.

I think we were too obvious about it, though, and I worry about the backlash today. He hugged me with all my coworkers around and felt on my ass to see what my panties were like. I pulled away and smacked him, but John saw. And he had a smirk on his face just like Adam did, and I'm sure I did too.

I came home feeling like trash. I still feel like trash. I quietly came in with the fiance passed out drunk on the couch and left him there. I didn't want him checking what time I got home. I didn't want to get in trouble. And I needed space to process what I had just done.

I have to never do this again to him. He doesn't deserve it. He's been working two jobs, handling his addictions, and hasn't hit me in a very long time. There was a point in time when I hooked up with other guys because he acted like a piece of shit, but that's not now. He's changed, so I have to also.

Because I don't want to think about other guys when I'm with him. I don't want to feel guilty. And I don't want to ever get caught or catch anything and have to tell him I hurt him like this. It would kill him and us. And I need us. I may want attention and to feel pretty and wanted from everyone, but in reality, I don't need it. I need us, however. Badly.

I'm just going to have to pull away. I need to realize I made a huge mistake on this one and figure out how to fix it within myself.

I feel like I'm going to vomit right now. I'm so upset with myself. I've been on the verge of crying all night and barely slept. I'm supposed to go run group... I almost canceled today, but I think I need to make up for the mistakes I've made today. At least a little.

Because right now I hate myself and want to hole up and die somewhere.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Lean and clean and loved

The scale has been kind the past few days. My body is releasing the weight slowly but surely, and this morning was a nice number. 

Today's intake was good. Or maybe today was just good... Which was fantastic, because I've been in a really low place lately. 

I ate very little today, got a lot accomplished, didn't have to go to work, and had some amazing sex with the fiancé to boot. 

Our relationship is so good sometimes. Sometimes we just end up on the same page and enjoy our time, and I feel heard and appreciated. He's been making such an effort lately, since our last big argument. It feels nice. It feels right and like we've worked very hard to get here and we're beginning to enjoy it more and not just fight for it all the time. 

Also, I think that when I am losing weight well and eating properly and getting my life in control, I don't cause issues over things like I have in the past. I let myself enjoy things without worrying. It's rare, but really fucking nice when it happens. I know he loves me, and when I have everything falling into place within myself, I know I'm much more pleasant to be around, and I see that reflected in how he interacts with me. Reaping what you sew and all that, I guess. 

One thing about Ana though, is that she's compulsive... Suddenly lately, I find myself starting projects, especially cleaning. Like my whole fucking house. I wash at 3am, clean behind the furniture, organize every cabinet and drawer, dust obscure places... I just jump up in the middle of watching tv or any meaningless inactive, and just DO shit. I can't sit still. The fiancé makes comments and asks if I took some aderall and if I'm going to come sit back down.

And then, in that moment, I remember my ex asking me that one night at 3am when we lived in the mountains because I was mopping the kitchen floor... That was the period when my ED was at its worst. 

But somehow I don't care... I like when I'm thin and my house is spotless. I want to do it all and have it all, and I'm going to. I feel invigorated, and I'm going to stop being a fat slob and be an enviable perfect person with ALL of her shit together. 

Think thin. 

Monday, May 2, 2016

Upset and fat


I don't know why it upset me so badly... 

The excuses. The pretending. The bullshitting. And then the fucking truth. I want to tell him to stuff it, but I don't know. I don't know what reality actually is...

They all ask why it upsets me so much. I honestly don't know why it does but it DOES. I feel like there was a real chance but he was too two-faced or scared or insane to take it... When I asked if he wanted the chance, I was met with "I don't want to get emotional about you because you have a man." But I don't think that's a real reason not to pursue someone who's interested in you... I think if you really like someone, you just pursue them. But maybe he just knew he'd only be the side guy... Maybe he just isn't ok with that for whatever reason. 

It's just too different. And he's too crazy. 

It bothers me because I want the attention I've earned by now, and I'm sick of the boundaries and his fucking up and not taking chances he has STILL. He just lets me go, and I want him to want me enough to give in to kisses and invites and texts. And to be honest. 

But last night was nice. It was nice to be met with honesty or what at least felt like it. It was nice to get real responses even when what I was texting could be perceived as too much. 

But I gotta get over this. I should never have opened the door to this. I was wrong about the outcome. Apparently I don't know everything... It pulls on my heart strings a little too much. And this time I want to get married and not be thinking about someone else and their feelings as I move on with my life. 

I'm just relieved he's not working tomorrow. 

I feel so fat tonight which isn't helping my mood about this... I feel like zero percent confident at the moment. The scale says I'm still ok, and I honestly must have burned like a million calories at work today, but I feel disgusting. I ate fairly well also... Only real slip up was some pasta because I was too hung over to live. But yeah... 

I've been drinking too much. I have to stop for a little while here and let my body get to starving easily. 

But anyway. I'm pooped. Day over. Think thin. 


Friday, April 29, 2016

Everything is annoying me

I don't like feeling like we're struggling, and lately we are. 

I go through his phone. Nothing bad, except the porn. Always the same scenario - perfect blonde girls riding cock. Like, wow. Is that supposed to be his ideal version of me?? Because I can't get him to even be that aggressive with me. It's so ANNOYING. I know all the logic, but it irritates the fuck out of me anyway...

We argue because he's always wrapped up in his phone. I spy, and it's because he's on his stupid fucking games. Tonight I asked for attention over and over and over to no avail, and then I blew up. I'm over him half listening, pretending to listen, pretending to focus. I'm over competing with the world to get a piece of what's supposed to be mine. 

I locked him out of the bedroom and made him sleep on the couch. It's not like he couldn't break in... I do it all the time when he locks me out. I am a better break in artist, but still. He just let me alone, which at that point I think I sincerely wanted. We texted for an hour (yeah, in the same house. It's how we handle things) and then I went to sleep. When I re-read the conversation I didn't get hurtful... I was just livid. 

Shit like this makes me want a side guy... So badly. I've been trying to be good and not slutty since we are taking our relationship to the next level, and because I just want to be a good person. But this shit it getting old. I need attention, and I need it now. I've warned him that I need it from him or I'm going to start looking elsewhere, but he doesn't seem to be fucking listening or getting it. Or maybe caring. 

He takes me for granted. And this isn't like some big fucking revelation, but God DAMN I wish he would stop. 

I was supposed to go to a party tonight, but I didn't. We stayed home and cooked dinner and got drunk. I ate well all day. The only binge-y moment I had was a bag of dehydrated apple chips. But no carbs all day except the alcohol, and I stuck to shots. 

Tomorrow we're supposed to go on a date night. This is now seeming like a stressful prospect because of both food and just him

Hating everything right now. Except that I'm on break...

My semester is over. I should have all A's again. One class might be a little close, and it will depend on the professor because of my absences, but regardless... I did well. Even though there were many times I felt like I might not do that well. And even though I started out rough. My professor complimented me yesterday - about how well I did this semester. It felt great.

So there's my silver lining. But I still feel pessimistic as shit right now. 

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Bulimia and perfection

It's so strange when I think about it... How my life shifted so drastically when my eating disorder kicked in...

I've thrown up so many meals in so many bathrooms since I graduated in 2008. I dabbled in being bulimic before that - I recall camping for family vacation and purging in the public restroom, a few other times before that, but nothing more than experimentation. Back then I was more into self-harm... Scratching. That's how I coped. I cried and wrote and scratched. Then, when bulimia kicked in really hard, I never looked back. I think I've only scratched about three times in the past 8 years. But I've purged hundreds. 4 different homes I've lived in, the restrooms at almost every job I've ever had, friend's bathrooms when I stayed at their houses, and dozens of restaurants... I've purged more times than anyone could ever keep track of.

It's weird to think how normal it is for me. How it's become a part of my history and to some extent, my personality. How casual it was for me to do it at one point. But somehow, I have never thought of myself as someone who's bulimic. I never used that word to describe myself, because that word doesn't fit me. I'm fairly normal. I'm educated. I have good relationships. I never had any crazy trauma like being abused or raped. I might have low days, but I don't have depression. And my parents did nothing to make me turn out like this. If I was an episode of some TV drama, there would be no tragic backstory that made me this way. 

I don't look like a bulimic. I don't look like what anyone in society would say a bulimic girl looks like. But that's the scariest part about bulimia. Bulimia looks like everyone. It looks like a blonde with a hot fiancé and two great step kids who's getting a masters degree in counseling. It looks like someone who goes to work and pays all her bills and laughs and smiles and has great friends. It looks normal. And happy. On the outside. 

But inside its grotesque. It's a compulsion. It's a nagging little demon that makes you go through drivethrus or to gas stations or restaurants. It takes your money and shoves food down your throat and makes you throw it back up. I used to think it was about being thin, but it's not. It's a way to handle stress. It's a way to cope with self-hatred. It's a way to feel better when you know you'll never BE better. It's backlash from one comment or thought or event... It's a way to get all the negativity out of your brain through your stomach and mouth. 

But it HURTS. It makes you feel ugly and gross and insane and addicted. It rips up your body and spills it out. And the process is painful. Burning and scratching and stinging. 

But it's also pleasurable. When you let it digest just enough, eat the right foods, the right amounts, do the process the right way, it's easy. It all comes spilling back out. All the pain and mistakes and negative feelings rush out of your body, and you can start over. You can breathe. You fixed it. You fixed what was wrong and have a second chance. 

But the second one is sadly never enough. You need a third, fourth, fifth, hundredth. You need a million chances. Because you can never get it right. You always feel like a loser. You always fuck up. And you always have to fix it. 

Because all that matters is the relief. 

I'm determined not to let this cycle continue... I realize sometimes I can't help it. Sometimes I just have those moments when the emotional shit is too much, and I need it... But I don't want to do it to be thin. I don't want to use that method to achieve the body I want right now. 

Right now I want to restrict. I want to just stop fucking up. I want to stop making mistakes and needing those chances.

I did well today. Against all odds, and on a day I would have done badly usually, I did just fine. I'm going to bed with an empty stomach and a clear conscience. I know if I just make every day like today that there will be no issues. Mia will stay away. Or at least she'll only appear on occasion. 

I have to do this. I have to stop the madness and quiet my brain and achieve perfect. I want to be perfect. I know they say it's not possible, but I want to try. And I want to get as close to it as possible. 

And perfect girls don't throw up their meals. Their meals are beautiful and light and digest perfectly in their thin bodies. There's no need to throw up when you're perfect. There's no need to hate yourself or be sad. There's no need for emotional relief because everything is just so fucking happy. And I need this. 

I need happy and perfect. And I won't stop until I have both at the same time. 




Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Catching up

Last night resulted in two b&ps. 

I ate a completely Ana approved dinner, drank beer, munched a little too much and purged. I could have let myself digest, it wasn't crazy, but being drunk made me reckless, and I was emotional. I should have stopped eating or just allowed myself to be hormonal and hungry, but I just kept thinking about how awful the scale would treat me the next day. After my purge, I was even more ravenous and emotional. I couldn't stop it then... I binged like nobody's business and purged really hard. My teeth hurt after. There's something about that first b&p after a like time that gets me jump started and I can't stop. It's bad. A compulsion. But it makes me feel better, is the shitty part. Gross but better. And when the purge is worth it on the scale, I feel justified. 

This morning I weigh less. I feel guilty, but... I didn't know what to do. I can't stay this weight. I can't. And if I have to give back in for a while, I'm just going to. 

We had a pot luck for the last day of class today. I panicked a bit, but I managed. I brought drinks and made sure to bring coffee, and had three cups of it. I was subtle. I took a plate, put on a sandwich, brownie, cookie, and fruit. I avoided the crazy beefy cheese dip (Literally no part of that is allowed.) I ate all the fruit, the inside of the sub (cold cut turkey and veggies plain) and one bite of each sweet. Then I folded up my plate when no one was looking and threw it in the garbage so no one would see the discarded carbs. I didn't want to make the girls feel like I didn't want their food, and I didn't want to look like a freak, but damn... I can't have all that. I sat away from the main table (fortunately there were no more seats) and tried to control my face. I felt so fucking uncomfortable.

I can't do it anymore, dude. I can't be fat. I can't keep thinking, "oh this one bite, this one time." It fucks me up. It's never just one. It's another and another and another. Another bite, another bad decision, another pound, another fat roll, another day of hating myself, another year of torment. I need to control. Refrain. Resist. I need to just commit and let myself go back to Ana. Just for a bit. Just until I get back to me. 

I want to go hardcore Ana for just a little while. I don't want to b&p anymore. And if I don't get the eating under control 100%, I know that's what I'll do. So, Ana diet. I'll think of it as that. Just a diet. Just to get myself right again. And then once I'm down to a decent size, I'll determine a healthy and more normal way of eating that's maintainable. But right now I need super strict. I need to get a little below my desired weight and keep my metabolism up so that when I chill out on the Ana stuff I don't balloon. But I have GOT to figure out a maintenance plan. I need to first lose and then maintain. And do it for life this time. 

Tonight's dinner will be tofu "noodles" with sauce and zucchini. And that's all. No craziness tonight. Hot tea time and no temptation. I have to get this right. 




Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Oh, Ana.

I can remember a time when this all felt exciting. Dangerous. Sharp and loud and scary. I can remember a time when I felt victory. Agony. Very high highs and very low lows. I can remember a time when I begged the universe to make me anorexic and then angry the first time someone used that word to describe me. I can remember how sad and miserable I was every evening and how happy every morning. How anxious and how delighted almost every moment of the day. I can remember my endless quest to know every calorie, option, number.

I'm struggling right now. Very hard. And I don't know what direction to take things, because I can't decide.

My head says don't even try to lose weight, but my heart hears ana whispering, "yesss."

EDs are a very tricky and scary and difficult thing. But, I want to succumb. So badly. I want to get obsessed again and be thin and let myself fall into the pattern. I'm disgusted with my weight, my body. How it's progressed. How I've let it get to this point.

I want to lose weight more than anything else in my life right now. It's crazy how thin I was once and how big I've gotten since and how slowly but surely that has happened over the past 5 years. My body just climbed up, up, up to this number. I let it happen. 3 years of torture, 1 year of hatred, and 4 years of ignoring all of it. I haven't allowed myself to really try to lose weight, because I've been scared. I had to put it off, and I know that. I had no balance. So, I had to tip the scales back in the other direction for a while. My ED took over my whole life and changed me forever. But, a huge part of me misses huge parts of it. 

I miss my old bloggers. The old sense of community. The posting multiple times a day and having someone understand what I was thinking and feeling. I pulled away from many of them, and the rest have fallen to the wayside a long time ago. But somehow, I'm still here. Still clearing my history on a different computer in a different state to save a different relationship.

I also miss my old body. I didn't appreciate it like I should have, and I miss it... I miss cupping my hip bones when I fell asleep. I miss my chin looking pointy when I smiled. I miss my collar bones popping out when I wore tank tops. And I miss fitting into things and places. A part of me wants to just stop eating and wait patiently until I see that body again and then just figure things out at that point.

I don't know what direction to take because I feel like I cannot stay this size, but I also cannot go full-force back into it like before... I'm really very lost.

No one ever tells you that "recovery" from an ED means that you can't figure out how to be a healthy weight or a "normal" person in relation to food ever again. No one tells you that "recovery" means simply ignoring Ana and Mia and letting yourself get fat. None of the movies and books show how hard it is to pick meals or make decisions once therapy and rehab is over. Nothing warns you that this obsession can creep up suddenly and without warning. Or that you'll have to just avoid mirrors and scales and just say "fuck it" so that it doesn't get 100% full-blown again overnight. No one tells you how fucked up your head is forever.

EDs never go away. They're like tides at the beach. Sometimes it's low tide, and you can clearly see everything laid out on the beach - all the garbage and creatures, both beautiful things and ugly. And then sometimes, it's high tide, and the water covers up all those things. It seems calm and serene, but all of that stuff is still down there. It's just hidden from view at the moment. However, eventually, it will be seen again. The tide will go in and out forever. Nothing changes.

Lately, it's just a dull feeling. A cloud hanging over me. I don't feel the emotions so strongly and harshly. It's like an ache. I don't feel the need to dive full-force in. I rationalize more. But the allure is so strong. I find myself saying "just a little while, just a little less. I won't get as bad as I was before. I won't be a sudden or drastic. I'll have better and different rules." Then, in the very next thought, I question if that's even possible.

But I want it to be possible.

I want to restrict, but maybe not 500 cals a day. I want to work out, but maybe not solely hours of zero resistance cardio. I want to be careful about what I eat, but maybe not purge if I get too crazy. I want to lose quickly, but maybe not a whole pound a day. I want to be thinner, but maybe not under weight.

But, there are so many maybes... Too many. And I can't decide, but I feel it's time to.

Forever thinking thin.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Not eating

I didn't eat all day yesterday, save a few bites at work, until evening. I probably had a total of about 600 calories... For breakfast today, I had some egg whites and ham with an apple. For lunch I plan on having a cup of blueberries and coffee. And for dinner some chicken and veg from work. Or possibly just shots of whiskey... The scale is much friendlier today than it was a couple weeks ago, but it's still a disaster.

Lots of things feel like a disaster currently.

I need to thin out. I NEEEEED to. I don't honestly care at the moment how I achieve it, either.

When I think about how I want to be thinner, my head swirls. It jumps from thought to thought and images flash behind my eyelids, and everything in my brain starts to short circuit. I have a million racing thoughts about the process and results and feelings and all of it. I can't even organize any of it.

It makes me want to binge and purge all day long for a whole day. It makes me want to drink and do drugs. It makes me want to get so thin that I blow away in a cool breeze.

I feel like I constantly fight my ED, and I'm tired of doing that. I want to give in, because save the guilty bits about terrible coping skills, etc, I feel GOOD when I'm thinner... I want some of that confidence back that I has when I was about 20lbs less.

So, I'm letting ana back in a bit. I'm going on a diet, I guess. I'm just not going to be hungry for a little while. Lolly and I have a girls day planned for May 4, and I'd love to be able to slap on a swimsuit and not hate myself on that day.

Food isn't even appealing lately. Nothing really is. I'm tired. My brain is full of goo. I have one more final to take, and my semester is over, but for some reason the rest of my life is getting messier and more difficult, seemingly daily. My job is a pit of despair lately. Everyone has crazy drama and complaints and issues... I literally told a coworker the other day to stop complaining. Everyone's complaining about everything all the damn time - it's become a miserable place. Then when I get home, the fiance has been the same way lately.

I need some personal time to decompress, but I won't be getting that for a while... I have too much to get done over the next week - too many responsibilities. I think I have a little compassion fatigue. And I need a break. Just a day... But I won't get that til May 4. First I have to ace my final, make rent, take care of man/kid issues, etc.

And get thinner.


Sunday, April 24, 2016

Just upset

I'm on the verge of a fucking breakdown, and I don't know if I should just fucking let myself cry and take a nap before work, or if I should continue to fight it off.

I'm so angry.

At him, myself, all of them. Everyone depends on me for far too much. I take care of him like he's an infant, and I don't get my needs me. He's a fucking alcoholic, and he demands too much from me, and I want help and support that I don't get properly.

He makes being good very hard to do.

Maybe it's just me and I shouldn't actually be with anyone. Maybe I just get sick of people after 4 years and can't fucking stand being treated like they're too comfortable. Maybe I need too much effort. Too much attention.

I need a partner. Who does things for me like I do for them. Who takes care of themselves like I do for my own damn self. Who is a fucking grownup.

I want a vacation from EVERYTHING. My stupid job and Adam and Ee and Lolly and all of them. From school. From the kids and all their drama. From my family and all their demands. From worrying about finances. And from my stupid fiance who doesn't know how to DO any fucking thing ever.

I feel myself wanting to do what I did to the ex. Wanting to pull away and see if I get chased. Wanting to ignore and focus on myself and just see... And I think I will.

I'm tired of complaining and giving chances. I'm pissed. And if he can't figure this out, I know other people will want a chance. It's sad and unfathomable how many.

Today, I decided not to eat. I have to be thinner. I need it for myself and for the entire world. I feel gross in my own skin and angry at myself as much as everyone else.