Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Adam talked

Adam told people. About us. He flashed it around just enough that word got out, and we got into a huge argument. Then, he disconnected. As usual, during the coversation, he checked out and stopped responding. 

I got mad. I was hurt and angry, and I unleashed it. 

I told him off to the point that he said I was taking it too far. I didn't care. I wanted him to feel something. I wanted him to react and respond. He did - he told me not to talk to him outside work. 

At work, it was drama. Gossip and people asking a million questions. I made up a story that made him look bad, and I spread it to all the necessary people. After all the conversations, I found out that he had told people before this incident. I told him at the end of the night that I wanted to talk a little after work. He said we would, but he didn't come talk to me, and he left. I texted him later, but he didn't respond. I got drunk, vented to my friends, did some blow and texted him again. I told him he was dead to me and not to talk to me at work anymore. 

I asked Jon if he ever told anyone about me and Adam. He said he never would, it wasn't his place. I told him, "I guess he's been spreading things around." He replied, "That wouldn't surprise me. He ruins every good thing he ever has." It makes me want to cry just thinking about the entire scenario and how Jon thinks I'm a good thing worth having... 

Our evening at work together was full of me flirting with boys in front of him to the point where he looked crestfallen. I used them like little pawns, and they all did exactly what I needed them to. I wanted him to feel like he's missing out and like he fucked up, like everyone else wants me and they might be getting me. I know he was jealous the second time around when I was at his house that evening and his comments about me fucking other guys came out of his mouth. I know he was jealous last night. He was uncomfortable. He looked sad. His reactions have been emotional, but his lack of communication has been selfish and his mouth running extremely disrespectful. I know he wants me, but I don't think he respects me or knows how to handle me. 

He's fucking a girl we work with who's a completel bimbo with a boyfriend. I know it won't last. I know this. And I know how messed up he is, but my fucking girl jealous emotions are reeling. He's hidden it pretty well, and he's definitely tried not to let me catch on. I wonder, though, if it's because he wants to maintain me or her. I feel like gravitates to her because she's young and easy. She's naive and won't ever pressure him. She's like Maggie. The girl wears butt pads for godsake. She's no curvy hippie... And he literally knew she wanted to bang him and literally avoided it for months. I know I could ruin it with one conversation with her, but I won't. If he leaves me alone, I'll do the same. I'm better than all that. 

I'm still processing all the factors, but I know this all played out for the best. It, however, still stings. I have my real world. I have my closure. Just like I've had before with all the other side boys, I let them go in anger when they won't be honest with me and cling to the man I actually love. I did it with Gerard and Bird and Bogs... The ones I let in more than once are always a messy situation. 

And I end up missing them. I watch them go on to date or fuck other girls who I know don't measure up to me, and I think about them sometimes in the middle of the night. I always wonder if I'm special to them. If I meant anything. I'll never forget the evening when Bird told me I was a stupid bitch for being with Chris because he hit me. And the evening be told me he wanted to marry me. I know he loved me. I'll never forget the night Bogs said, "you are and always will be special to me." And I'll never forget the night I spent at Gerard's house when I could literally feel how much he wanted me to be with him then and forever. With Adam, I'm not sure... I don't think he let himself get to the point where he cared about me like they did. He cut it off to early and moved on to a girl he doesn't have to feel anything over. But I know he thinks I'm amazing. I know he loves me as much as he would let himself love anyone. 

I have to stop this process. I have to let this one go more quickly and with less emotion because of the situation. 

I need to stop getting a new boy when we break up. Hopefully that just never happens again and I don't need a fallback boy, because they never measure up... I wish I knew how to handle relationship issues without just getting a new one. It's like when your dog runs away and you immediately go get a new puppy. I do that with boys. Only sometimes the dog comes back home and I have to give the puppy away then. 

No one will ever be CS. That's why he's the one I'm going to marry. I need to realize that there's only one of him and one day he will have all his shit together. I just need to let go of our messy past. 

And I need to figure out why male attention is such a sickeningly strong need for me. 

1 comment:

  1. Every time you post about Adam it always makes me a little squeamish, not because of anything you've done, but because of my own experiences with a guy named Adam.. Guess I should probably get over the name by now, huh?

    And I definitely know what you mean about the male attention thing. I don't know why it's such a strong pull. I mean, I'm an attention seeker regardless, but whenever I manage to capture a guy's attention, particularly one who is relatively in-demand, it makes me feel really powerful. Maybe I've just had too many experiences with guys where I wasn't powerful, so now the power is like a head trip.