Sunday, April 24, 2016

Just upset

I'm on the verge of a fucking breakdown, and I don't know if I should just fucking let myself cry and take a nap before work, or if I should continue to fight it off.

I'm so angry.

At him, myself, all of them. Everyone depends on me for far too much. I take care of him like he's an infant, and I don't get my needs me. He's a fucking alcoholic, and he demands too much from me, and I want help and support that I don't get properly.

He makes being good very hard to do.

Maybe it's just me and I shouldn't actually be with anyone. Maybe I just get sick of people after 4 years and can't fucking stand being treated like they're too comfortable. Maybe I need too much effort. Too much attention.

I need a partner. Who does things for me like I do for them. Who takes care of themselves like I do for my own damn self. Who is a fucking grownup.

I want a vacation from EVERYTHING. My stupid job and Adam and Ee and Lolly and all of them. From school. From the kids and all their drama. From my family and all their demands. From worrying about finances. And from my stupid fiance who doesn't know how to DO any fucking thing ever.

I feel myself wanting to do what I did to the ex. Wanting to pull away and see if I get chased. Wanting to ignore and focus on myself and just see... And I think I will.

I'm tired of complaining and giving chances. I'm pissed. And if he can't figure this out, I know other people will want a chance. It's sad and unfathomable how many.

Today, I decided not to eat. I have to be thinner. I need it for myself and for the entire world. I feel gross in my own skin and angry at myself as much as everyone else.

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