Monday, May 2, 2016

Upset and fat

I don't know why it upset me so badly... 

The excuses. The pretending. The bullshitting. And then the fucking truth. I want to tell him to stuff it, but I don't know. I don't know what reality actually is...

They all ask why it upsets me so much. I honestly don't know why it does but it DOES. I feel like there was a real chance but he was too two-faced or scared or insane to take it... When I asked if he wanted the chance, I was met with "I don't want to get emotional about you because you have a man." But I don't think that's a real reason not to pursue someone who's interested in you... I think if you really like someone, you just pursue them. But maybe he just knew he'd only be the side guy... Maybe he just isn't ok with that for whatever reason. 

It's just too different. And he's too crazy. 

It bothers me because I want the attention I've earned by now, and I'm sick of the boundaries and his fucking up and not taking chances he has STILL. He just lets me go, and I want him to want me enough to give in to kisses and invites and texts. And to be honest. 

But last night was nice. It was nice to be met with honesty or what at least felt like it. It was nice to get real responses even when what I was texting could be perceived as too much. 

But I gotta get over this. I should never have opened the door to this. I was wrong about the outcome. Apparently I don't know everything... It pulls on my heart strings a little too much. And this time I want to get married and not be thinking about someone else and their feelings as I move on with my life. 

I'm just relieved he's not working tomorrow. 

I feel so fat tonight which isn't helping my mood about this... I feel like zero percent confident at the moment. The scale says I'm still ok, and I honestly must have burned like a million calories at work today, but I feel disgusting. I ate fairly well also... Only real slip up was some pasta because I was too hung over to live. But yeah... 

I've been drinking too much. I have to stop for a little while here and let my body get to starving easily. 

But anyway. I'm pooped. Day over. Think thin. 

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