Monday, April 25, 2016

Not eating

I didn't eat all day yesterday, save a few bites at work, until evening. I probably had a total of about 600 calories... For breakfast today, I had some egg whites and ham with an apple. For lunch I plan on having a cup of blueberries and coffee. And for dinner some chicken and veg from work. Or possibly just shots of whiskey... The scale is much friendlier today than it was a couple weeks ago, but it's still a disaster.

Lots of things feel like a disaster currently.

I need to thin out. I NEEEEED to. I don't honestly care at the moment how I achieve it, either.

When I think about how I want to be thinner, my head swirls. It jumps from thought to thought and images flash behind my eyelids, and everything in my brain starts to short circuit. I have a million racing thoughts about the process and results and feelings and all of it. I can't even organize any of it.

It makes me want to binge and purge all day long for a whole day. It makes me want to drink and do drugs. It makes me want to get so thin that I blow away in a cool breeze.

I feel like I constantly fight my ED, and I'm tired of doing that. I want to give in, because save the guilty bits about terrible coping skills, etc, I feel GOOD when I'm thinner... I want some of that confidence back that I has when I was about 20lbs less.

So, I'm letting ana back in a bit. I'm going on a diet, I guess. I'm just not going to be hungry for a little while. Lolly and I have a girls day planned for May 4, and I'd love to be able to slap on a swimsuit and not hate myself on that day.

Food isn't even appealing lately. Nothing really is. I'm tired. My brain is full of goo. I have one more final to take, and my semester is over, but for some reason the rest of my life is getting messier and more difficult, seemingly daily. My job is a pit of despair lately. Everyone has crazy drama and complaints and issues... I literally told a coworker the other day to stop complaining. Everyone's complaining about everything all the damn time - it's become a miserable place. Then when I get home, the fiance has been the same way lately.

I need some personal time to decompress, but I won't be getting that for a while... I have too much to get done over the next week - too many responsibilities. I think I have a little compassion fatigue. And I need a break. Just a day... But I won't get that til May 4. First I have to ace my final, make rent, take care of man/kid issues, etc.

And get thinner.

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