Saturday, July 30, 2016

Good day for me but not the whole world

Today's intake:
Egg whites - 30 cals
Veggies - 80 cals
Tamale - 200 cals
Apple - 40 cals
Tomatoes - 10 cals
Chicken - 150 cals
Pop - 50 cals
Total: 560 = Glorious

Last night was fucking rough... I fasted the entire day yesterday - not one single bite of solid food. I had coffee and tea and allowed myself one beer to try to fall asleep. The beer, however, did not help. I had insomnia like a motherfucker. I recalled with astute awareness last night, lying there wide awake, how difficult falling asleep always seemed to be during my skinnier days. I could NEVER fall asleep. I would lie there endlessly some nights unable to get my energy level to deplete or my brain to turn off. Today I read that this is normal for fasting behaviors or extreme dieting... wtf... It seems so backward to me. I deprive my body of food, so it stays awake demanding more but not conserving what it has. I remember in the past using benadryl to fall asleep with about a 60% success rate. I'm going to try melatonin tonight and see how it goes. Alcohol obviously had no effect last night.

I am annoyed with most of my friends at the moment. My three closest friends all have stupid boy drama to the point where I told Lolly today, "I know you're getting frustrated with my reaction, but how do you expect me to react to this, really? I'm not going to act supportive when I'm not, and I think we both know this is a bad choice." She conceded, but she's still going to make the bad choice.

Same with Lyn lately - running back to her husband because no other guys will date her at the moment. Because she's insane and so desperate to have a boy at all times she won't LET herself be single for more than a week. But in her marriage, she's cheated on him several times because she's so damn unhappy. And yes, I'm still upset about her slutty behavior during her visit...

And Jen has dropped off the face of the fucking earth since she started dating this pretentious new older guy who seems controlling... She always does that - gets sucked in and disappears only to resurface about 8 months later a blubbering mess discussing how unhappy she has been and how this new guy changed her. She's the queen of denial who ALSO needs a guy at all times. Most of her boyfriends overlap... 

And Ee... I don't even know where to start with him. He's come out as gay, but I truly believes he has a huge crush on me. He's been acting SO weird, and I just don't even know what to do with him. He is just so NEGATIVE all the time and complains about SO much that I just get over it. I started to distance myself just before he went on vacation, and his ten day absence has been nice, to be honest. But he's noticed. And he's started clinging a bit. And then a couple people have told me how much smack he's been talking lately and how my name comes up... I just want him to leave me alone lately, and I don't really know where that feeling is coming from, but it's there. He's just drama, and it's pointless, and he's miserably unhappy because he chooses to be that way every DAY, and I don't want to get sucked into it.

I just want to be left alone lately. I want to spend time with my fiance away from the drama of my workplace or friends. I think I need new friends... I. Need. New. Friends. There's the bottom line, I think, in reality. I have good ones who are loyal and faithful, and I know how rare that is and that I need to hold onto them because of this, but I just wish they weren't all so FUCKED up and childish sometimes. I mean, I know I'm fucked up also, but they drag me into scenarios where they come to me for advice and then complain about the negative consequences when they ignore it. I do not do that to people. I don't ask for advice in the first place because I'm a goddam grow ass woman and don't need any. And I don't want to keep telling people, "I told you so" all the fucking time. It's getting old, and so are they. It's time to grow up or leave me out of it...

But, alas, I'm going to set my head on my pillow and see what happens.

Think thin, lovelies.

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