Friday, August 5, 2016

Easy scale and hard Adam situations

The scale has been more than forgiving the past two days. It has dropped a little even with my shitty late night eating. I'll attribute it to the fact that I so good all day before I fuck it up late night when everyone's asleep. That's been the pattern the past few days... 

I've reallyyyy got to stop smoking. When I smoke, I suddenly convince myself somehow that my calories aren't that much, that I won't eat that much of whatever I give in to, or that I'll "eventually" get the weight off. I get complacent and eat too much. Then I wake up in the morning with a head devoid of smoke and hate myself. 

I did better today. 

B: chicken and squash - 150cals
L: apple and coffee and bites at work - 150cals 
D: melatonin - 0cals. 
Total: 300cals = amazing 

Tomorrow I should see a very good number. I need to make sure I get in a workout also. 

Tonight at work was annoying... I hate Adam. I hate working with him. I hate knowing him well enough to see moments when he thinks that I'm pretty. I hate knowing what he's thinking and what he's not saying. I hate how I like his scent and still breathe it in when he's near. I hate how much he wants me to forgive him and how I actually want to. I hate how fucking immature and truly stupid he is. I hate what he did to what we had. He fucked it ALL up and made me feel like shit and I HATE when we have moments when it's clear to other people that we had something. He's too familiar. We still work somehow no matter how broken it actually is. I hate it. 

I'm off to dream of other realities. Melatonin working its magic... Think thin.

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