Monday, August 8, 2016

Low scale and mood

The scale this morning was fantasticccc. I decided to have a cheat day today and then fast tomorrow. I didn't go crazy - light brunch with drinks, meat and veg for lunch, and a couple sweets. Tomorrow I'm not going to weigh in, going to fast, and Tuesday I should be right on track again.

Last night was crazy... I made out with MW... He's been wanting to sleep with me for a year, but he slept with Lolly, and I'm not that kind of friend. Also, I am sticking to being faithful to the fiance and not fucking other dudes anymore... I'm getting better at not being such a fucking attention whore, and I want it to stay that way.

But, he came out with us to drink last night (liquid dinner!) and then to Lolly's to smoke. I was high and drunk, and he was hitting on me. We were texting back and forth sitting outside with everyone. and he was asking me for pics and such. I went in to get another beer, and he followed me into the kitchen when everyone else was outside and grabbed my ass and started kissing me.

Honestly, it was nice. It's weird with him, because I know he would fall in love with me in an instant if I would let him in, but he also knows I'm not going to do that. We have had SUCH honest conversations about things, it's strange. He's genuine which is HUGELY different from Adam and a lot of the other fuckboys. He thinks I'm beautiful and special for some reason... He was telling me how fantastic my body is last night. It was nice to hear because I knew it wasn't bullshit. He actually thinks that.  He's just not for me... I want to marry the fiance, and MW knows and doesn't want to interfere in my being happy.

As far as make outs go, it was tame. Middle-school status, to be honest. We started to get a little heavy at one moment - he picked me up and sat me on the kitchen counter and started kissing me - but then someone came in the front door, and I hopped down and we pretended to be talking. The whole thing was ridiculous. Lolly got a little upset, and I could tell, so I called her after I left. She basically told me I had permission to do whatever I want with him, but I could tell her attitude when she came in the kitchen that she was a little annoyed. I honestly think it was more about her wanting my attention than his though. She wanted me to come hang out with her, and I spent like half an hour in the kitchen flirting and mildly making out...

It's just not something I'm going to do though. He texted me late asking if I was still up. I texted him tonight just to chat. It's mild and safe but helping me get over Adam, which I need for some reason. I think last night was honestly more about him than getting MW attention... I wanted to talk to Adam. He came up to me at work and rubbed my shoulders. JP told me (we gossip about Adam because they are bros and JP also has a huge crush on me) that he and his little girl are having issues, as I predicted. I wanted to just chat about how things transpired between us. He didn't show up, as usual. JP didn't show up so I could vent to the appropriate person. And then there was MW, just sitting there cracking jokes and smiling and paying me attention that I desperately needed because I was feeling reckless as fuck and grossly needy.

I don't know what's wrong with me or why I get like this - needing male attention and to hear that I'm sexy or pretty or desirable. I feel so fucking ugly and disgusting and WORTHLESS. I don't get why guys always tell me I'm "too good" or that they would "never make the same mistakes as Adam" and how they would "kill for a chance" etc. I get my confidence from boys. And boys wanting me. And boys pursuing me. And even though I have the fiance at home who gives me that, it's not enough for me. For some reason, it has to be more than just that. I need fall-backs and side-guys and fuck-boys. I need someone at home who is a REAL relationship and a REAL person, and then I need boosts. I need boys who I know are beneath me to tell me how amazing I am. But I need to have lines I don't cross. I need to have boundaries. I need to get my confidence from other fucking places.

Because I'm tired of guilt. I'm tired of knowing he's being faithful and I'm not.

So, today I feel conflicted. Because I'm proud of myself for not fucking MW (I could have). And, I'm glad to have kissed a little and gotten my confidence up... But I know I should have taken my feelings about Adam and not gotten neurotic and gone home. I should have not been an attention whore. Being good at it or careful or whatever is just not ok with me anymore.

I'm not ok with how I act or the ways I cope with my feelings. I need to get my body in shape and my head on straight and stop doing things that could ruin my real life. I need to grow up.

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