Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Rough day

Today's eats:
B: cereal
L: binge and purge
D: binge and purge

Rough day... Feeling insecure and ugly as fuck due to a lack of Adam text backs and a boy who's 8 years younger than me who has a little crush on me not making a move... 

Plus the boyfriend not seeming all that fucking interested lately. 

I just hate myself. 

Hopefully tomorrow the damage isn't substantial... 

Monday, December 14, 2015

Body and boys... IS there anything else?

147lbs this morning, as anticipated. It felt good. Now I just need to keep momentum.

I had a crazy long day at work... I managed to keep my eating 100% under control all day too. And I just had a reasonable meal when I got home. It's been about 4-5 days of eating well, and no binging or purging... It feels fantastic, but it's also getting old quick. I told myself tonight that when I get down to 145lbs, I can have one cheat meal.

In other news, Adam was all over me tonight. Things with him have been sooo weird. After Ee's birthday when he didn't show up and we bickered, I didn't talk to him for a few days. He got super clingy when I stopped speaking to him... Like, hunting me down, following me, trying to force me to talk to him. I blew him off really hard until I was over being mad. Then, once I started speaking to him again, we just kind of worked different schedules and didn't really see each other.

Tonight I felt like he's suffered enough, though... I acted normal with him, and that's all the encouragement he needed to spark right back up. He was bent over getting something out of the cooler, and I smacked his butt a little when I walked by and laughed hysterically. A couple hours later, I was standing in the side station, and he smack-groped my ass. Then he got all close up behind me, with his dick against my ass and made a sexual joke. I forget what he said, but afterward, he said, "There was a little sexual innuendo in there, but I guess you missed that." I was like, "No, I got it." He blushed. I'm not gonna lie, I was turned on. My face got heated, and I wanted to jump him. I like the fucking attention way too goddamn much. He was squeezing and rubbing my shoulders too at one point tonight, and I wanted to just back up and rub my ass all over him SO badly. *sigh* Why am I such a terrible awful horrible flirty attention whore??

I told Ee, and he said, "I'm at a loss about that nonsense." It's so true... It is all nonsense. I told him I was going to go buck wild and sexually harass and push Adam until I literally made him uncomfortable... Ee said that might have the opposite effect.

I think that's actually what I want, if I'm honest with myself... I want to make him want me.

I texted him tonight. We flirted a bit. Anti-climactic and unsatisfying.

I just want HIM to text ME. I want HIM to try to hang out with ME. But to get that, I'm going to take advantage of the fact that he's paying me attention and play with him. I'm going to initiate games, demand shoulder rubs, rub my boobs and butt on him when he's close, and give him "fuck me" eyes constantly. I'm going to drive him nuts.

Because it means nothing. And he made that clear. He's an inconsiderate, selfish jerk who means nothing to me and drives me crazy. I'm the cat who caught a mouse and is going to play with it mercilessly until I decide I'm done having fun, and then I'll let it die.

But, I get to be the cat, not him. He thinks he can play these games, but I am going to show him that I'm better at them. 

I don't even want him... He is a horrible kisser with a small dick who acts like a fucking idiot. I mean, I'd love to get him to eat my pussy again, but... That's about the end of it. Let me ride your face and then fuck off and die... Beg me for things I'll say no to. Let me toy with you.

I sound like a horrible, slutty person, but I don't care.

I have the boyfriend, and I adore him and want only him... But this Adam shit is so annoying... I have to take it somewhere. I can't live my life letting him flirt with me when he feels like it and getting pissed at him. I want him to get pissed at me and feel like I've been feeling.

I'm going to lose weight and break a heart and ride off into the sunset with the man who actually loves me. That's my fucked up mental case plan...

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Sleepless and dangerous

Everyone is asleep, but I can't seem to accomplish that tonight. I should be sleepy. I had a long day on 6 hours of sleep, but here I am. Not sleeping. 

I hate when I can't sleep. It makes me feel crazy... I manage to get right to the very edge of slumber only to be ripped back by some nagging thought, a song that won't stop cycling through my brain, or a worry that pokes me until I literally open my eyes. 

Wtf. 

Then I cycle through stupid random worries, fears, guilts, negativity, and self loathing. 

My stomach is growling, and I feel hunger pangs. I'm pretty sure this insomnia is food related, but I don't know what to do about it. When I'm hungry, I have no patience with people. I get angry. When I'm alone and hungry and tired, I get horribly dark and depressed. I just get angry with myself. For every transgression I have ever committed. 

If I'm honest with myself, I want to go binge so fucking badly... If you're easily triggered, I would say skip the rest of this paragraph... I know right now in my kitchen there are oatmeal cream pies, caramel icecream, brownies, cheese slices, chocolate, taco leftovers from the kids, couscous, chips, and candied cashews. I want to literally rip open the fridge and dive into all of those items until this nagging in my stomach and head goes away...

But I would have to take drugs and purge to not hate myself for doing it... And I would still hate myself. 

I took a Benadryl, and I think I'm going to go have a few sips of milk and hopefully that will knock me out. I read once that milk has naturally occurring morphine which is why it aides in sleep. Let's hope that's true... 

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Beach day and losing

Today's eats:
B: Addy and a lollipop - 40 cals 
L: Deli meat, grapes, and an orange - 200 cals
D: Ham and broccoli - 200 cals
S: Chocolate - 50 cals

I'm done eating today... Right at around 500 cals. I've been doing well, and this morning the scale said 148lbs. Tomorrow, if I know my body like I think I do, I'll weight 147. 

This, however, is always where I fuck up. 147lbs, and then something happens, I lose motivation, and I shoot back up to 150lbs and beyond... So the next couple days will be vital and key to losing. Like I said last night though, this time it's for real. Ana is whispering in my ear daily, and I know what to do. Now I just have to do it and get myself to a comfortable place. 

We went to the beach today with the whole family, and I did a really good job of resisting. Not easy with my family, because gatherings are an excuse to load up on food. I didn't pack myself a sandwich and avoided chips and pasta and all kinds of crap today. I did get a little angry though. When my blood sugar started really crashing, I got grouchy. My body isn't comfortable there yet. It's going to take like another week... But I'm on my period, so I just chalked it up to that and make a mental effort to chill out. I just had zero patience... I

I absolutely need to be thinner. 

I want to go to the beach and feel hot there again. Like I'm a cute girl in a bikini and not a gross one... My mom was taking pics of all of us and me in my bikini, and while I have looked worse in the past, I feel like I look so HUGE. Like a fucking whale. Then there's always some beautiful fit girl there that I envy in a swimsuit that the boyfriend sneaks peeks at. I know he thinks I'm beautiful, but I also know even he thinks I could afford to lose some weight right now. I think he feels safer when I'm a bit heavier, because he feels like I won't leave him. But that's not ok at the moment... I want him to REALLY think I'm hot and not just love me because he's partial to me as his woman... Does that make sense?? I want him to objectively think I'm hot. 

Lolly said the other day that I have a complex. She said I'm not as fat as I think I am. But I think she's wrong... So, Ana's voice wins over Lolly's... 

The current motto is "I'm not hungry." Or "I don't want any of that." Then once everyone leaves me alone, I eat my diet prepared foods, and then they see me eating something and don't question it. Then later I say, "I'm so full." It makes them all leave me alone. Excuses work well for me because I literally never make them. People just believe what I'm saying and don't question or doubt it . 

My dad did make a comment to me today about when I was super thin, though... I said something about needing to lose some weight and how I plan to over break, and he said "No more than ten though. I don't want to see you like you were before." He got emotional. I thought I had everyone fooled back then, but guess not... However, I feel like everyone is in agreement that I currently need a little weight loss, so time to cash in and lose whatever I want without getting nagged.

15 more pounds to go. Minimum. I can do this. 

Think thin. 


Friday, December 11, 2015

Obsessive

Today's eats:
B: Apple and Tea - 40 cals
L: Veggies - 120 cals
S: Egg whites and veggies - 65 cals
D: Salmon, veggies - 175 cals
S: Chocolate - 100 cals
Total: 500 cals

Currently drinking my detox hot tea and smoking so I can try to fall asleep... It's so hard to sleep when I don't eat much. I don't know why my body is like that... When I'm hungry, I cannot sleep, but the tea seems to help. I'm stifling yawns, so that seems promising.

I took my last final of the semester today, and it went well. It was my last final of my last year of graduate school. It's amazing to think I'm almost halfway done with my program... Only 4 more semesters, and hello, Master's Degree. Now I just have to wait for grades to come out to see what I got in my last class. All A's so far, so I'm reeeeeally hoping I managed to slide by with one in that class as well. I'm literally points from either getting an A or a B in the class, so I'll just have to wait and see once grades are posted.

I came home to flowers and chocolate from the boyfriend as a congrats on my accomplishments. He really is very sweet sometimes... It's funny, but every time he buys me candy I think to myself "I guess I'm still not so fat that he doesn't love me." I don't know why... It's kind of stupid, but I just think if he thought I was too fat, he probably wouldn't buy me candy, right?? It's so comforting, even if I have to end up eating some of it... I had planned a different end of the day snack, but chocolate it was...

I felt a little compulsive tonight. It's strange because I haven't felt that way in a while. I came home and cooked an amazing dinner that I didn't eat most of, and when the boyfriend fell asleep from a food coma with a belly full of bread and couscous that I did not partake in, I cleaned the house. The whole damn thing. Obsessively. It was strange, but I recalled how I used to do that in the 'Ville when I was at my lowest weight. When I'm really focused and triggered and on the Ana train, I clean late at night until my whole house is spotless. I can't stop myself. Especially if there's no pressing other things to do like study or go to bed early for an early morning. I get so crazy... Suddenly, everything has to be in it's perfect place. I think of too many things at once and work myself half to death every moment avoiding food, and I have to obsessively organize all elements of my life like I do my diet. Even now I'm contemplating finances, but I decided to put that off. If I start to crunch numbers at this hour, I'll never sleep tonight, and I have to get up early for work tomorrow.

It's strange, but I feel like this time it might be easier to go back to Ana. I don't think I have felt like I needed to lose weight as much as I currently do in a very long time. I just want to give myself this school break to get thin and then figure things out from there. Well, off to finish this bowl, and then bed time.

Think thin.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Goal Weights

This morning's weight: 150lbs

Ew.

And the worst part is about a week ago, I was MORE.

It's so disgusting when just a few short years ago, I was about to hit my UGW of 110lbs. How crazy is the human body?? I've weighed everything from 114lbs to 165lbs.

Honestly right now I don't even know what weight I want to be... Very low, if I'm honest with myself, but I know the boyfriend would be annoyed. When we started dating,  I was around 120, and he thought I was too thin. He seemed to be the most interested when I weighed around 130-135...

SO, CGW = 133lbs. Then maybe onto 130lbs just to make myself feel good... But I'll reevaluate.

At 133, I feel like I honestly have nothing to worry about. I'll still have boobs and a butt to pacify everyone else, but I'll be thin enough to feel good again. Like I don't want to die... Because right now I do.

So, 17lbs... Not an easy task, but much less than some people have to lose.

Time to make it happen.

Today's planned eats:
B: Apple and tea - 40 cals
L: Chicken and salad - 200 cals
S: Grapes before my final - 50 cals
D: Salmon and veggies - 200 cals
S: Fudge pop - 40 cals
Total: 530 cals

Think thin.

Time for change

Today's eats:
B: Diet Coke - 0 cals
L: Veggies and Pork - 200 cals
D: Bananas and chocolate - 190 cals
S: About 7 chips - 80 cals
Total: 470

Finally, a day on point. I am going to have some herbal tea in a little bit and then turn in for the night... No more food this evening.

This week has been stressful. I have one final left, and my semester and first year of graduate school will be over. It FLEW by... I feel accomplished, but fat. I've definitely gained weight in the process of starting school. I haven't been consistent with exercise or making myself eat well at all... And today as everyone was giving presentations, I noticed a LOT of us have gained weight in the program. Like, most of us... But, that doesn't make it any better. I feel proud of what I've accomplished, and mentally more stable than I ever have, but physically I'm a mess. I need to make my outsides match my insides, because right now they don't at all.

The photos from my dinner out this week were a nightmare. My look was a mess. I looked SO fat... Fatter than Brit, and I've always thought she was too fat... It's so fucking upsetting. Nothing looks good on me, and I don't want to feel that way.

I read recently that people with bulimia have issues coping with stress and use food to do so. We do not know how to relax, cope, or de-stress through other means. It's so true... I never really thought about the process or what it means to me until recently, but when I read that single sentence in the book, it all clicked so much... It's not about eating for hunger or nourishment. It's about eating for emotions. Eating to stop thinking, or numb things, or feel like I'm getting satisfaction or pleasure from something. But it doesn't actually fix any of that shit. It just makes me feel worse... And then when I purge it's so freeing... Until I binge again or feel desperately hungry with a crashed blood-sugar, a bloated stomach, and a scratchy throat.

I don't want to feel ashamed of how I handle stress anymore. I feel ashamed of my drinking, drug use, and B&P. I feel ashamed of my body and how it's showing how I've treated it. I look sloppy, and I feel disgusting. I need to use this month to get myself back on track. I need a routine that I can stick with that I use for the next year... I need to get myself together so badly.

Tomorrow's planned eats:
B: Apple and coffee - 50 cals
L: Chicken and salad - 200 cals
S: Grapes before my final - 50 cals
D: Chicken and veggies - 200 cals
S: Fudge pop - 40 cals
Total: 540 cals

Friday's planned eats:
B: Apple, grapes, orange, coffee (at work) - 180 cals
L: Side salad and Diet Coke at Wendy's - 100 cals
D: Meat and veggies with the kiddos - 200 cals
S: Fudge pop - 40 cals
Total: 520 cals


Thursday, December 3, 2015

I hate him

Every fucking time something goes wrong, this bitch makes life harder.

I'm over it. I'm over the pity-parties and benders and financial fucking spending issues. I am getting to the point where I don't care about the mental issues behind it. I don't care about the "brain pathways" or how hard it is to figure out a different way. I want him to get his fucking shit together. Immediately. I want to stop getting this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach every time he gets like this.

I'm starting to be out of compassion and energy with him. I'm starting to resent him and feel like he's a burden. I'm sick and fucking tired of taking care of anything and everything he needs.

I want him to disappear. I want him to leave me alone so I can find happiness. I still don't think I'll find it, but I'm definitely not finding it with him around... 

At least I don't have to eat tonight... Bottle of wine time.

Monday, November 30, 2015

Bye, Adam

Dreamed about Adam last night. Which is weird because, since Ee's birthday almost a week ago, I haven't seen or heard from him. He was supposed to work last night, but it was slow, so they called him off. I was relieved when I got to work and saw he wasn't there, because I'm honestly annoyed with him. I actually don't fucking like him anymore...

For some reason, when I dream of him, my head turns him into a nice person. But he's not... Not at all. In my dream he texts me and asks how I am, when in reality that never happens. In reality, he's insanely selfish.

And honestly, he's not a factor at this moment anyway, because the boyfriend and I are working hard to keep our love alive. It hasn't been easy lately. And it's me... I have been having crazy highs and lows... One moment I feel on top of things and like I could take on the world, and the next I drink a whole bottle of wine and purge. I feel overwhelmed, and I'm having SUCH a hard time losing weight. My body seems to be so stuck at this moment at this current horrid weight, I don't know what to do... I'm about to give in to Ana for real...

Thursday, November 26, 2015

4 days ok

I'm so hungry. I had to take an allergy pill again tonight to fight off insomnia. For some reason I can't sleep as easily when I restrict a lot. My body doesn't fall asleep easy with an empty stomach, but there's no way I'm going to fill it right now. Just waiting for the Benadryl to kick in...

Today's intake was actually ok, even with the holiday. The one single meal is all I ate and some wine. The boyfriend and I got back still part drunk and passed out, but I woke up a couple hours later and now I can't sleep... Meanwhile he's like a dead man. Which is kind of good because he has to work a crazy early long day tomorrow, so I just tucked him in at 9pm and left him. 

I've been doing really well with my eating the past four days. I haven't seen the number on the scale drop as much as I'd like, but my hormones are doing something crazy this week. My cycle was supposed to come last week and didn't, and then when I started my next pack of birth control it tried to come. Lovely. So major breakouts and sweating and breakthrough. Fucking awful. I've been super bloated and wanting to eat everything it sight. I haven't been eating, but I also haven't seen a dip, and I know it's because I'm like a whale even with no food... I wake up starving with a round belly, even after using the restroom. That's only hormones. Which means as soon as I get this crap back on track that I will see my true weight. 

The next few days might be tough. I have the kids tomorrow and we're going to do food at home, so that won't be anything awful, but Saturday is mom's house... My cousin is in town and we're doing a big family thing. Just need to get through the day without going nuts. 

I've only purged once these past few days, and I was drunk when it happened. I don't regret it... I went out for Ee's birthday and got super drunk, drove Lolly home and got fast food. I ate a bunch of shit, came home and drunkely ate a huge bowl of cereal and then purged. I wasn't feeling well, and with what my body has been doing I knew if I went to bed with that full stomach, I'd wake up with an awful number. 

Adam didn't come to Ee's party. He texted me bullshit, I got pissy, he got butt hurt, and the next night at work was intense. I tried hard to ignore him, but he got aggressive with trying to get my attention. I don't think I was 100% pleasant, and I think he realized that. 

I'm done with him. I deleted his number, (well texted it to my bff and told her to save it and not give it to me unless I asked for it sober) and I have zero intention of being his friend anymore. When I'm done with someone, they just don't exist, and that's where we stand. I'm over him being a mess and an awful friend to me. I rehearse in my head what I would say to him if he ever once even asked me if I was mad at him, but he doesn't even have the balls to do that, and I know it. I replay my pointless scenario that will never come to fruition just to get it out of my system, when in reality he's a completely unresponsive person who's so selfish he'd never ask how I felt. 

Whatever. Weight loss is my friend. 

Just gotta keep pushing. Benny's calling me to sleep tho. Think thin, Angels. 


Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Birthdays and Bikinis

Tonight is Ee's birthday. Everyone is supposed to be there... Like everyone. Lolly, MW, Adam... It is either going to be a great night or a fucking train wreck.

Adam has been weird lately, and though we've been talking, I've also avoided being anything but simply friendly. I don't want him. And I don't want to get to a point where I have to say it. I just want things to fizzle out, and I don't particularly want to get drunk tonight and act like an attention-seeking slut face. I have decided that if he doesn't come that I am no longer going to text him. And if he does come that I am going to behave myself. He's back to the IG life and selling himself, and I don't know what to make of him lately. I don't know how he feels about me, and I don't like how he's acted. I just want him gone. I don't want to care about him anymore.

My number of binge-free days is one. I am going to do well again today. I have to. I can't live in this body any longer.

Apple and coffee or tea every morning, chicken or fish and veggies for lunch and dinner, popcorn and either a fudgesicle or tootsie pop for my midnight snack.

Roughly 600 cals a day until I'm back down to a decent weight.

I know if I just stick to it that the weight will come off. And it has to. I spent hours last night flipping through thinspo so I wouldn't go to the kitchen and eat anything. I desperately want to get back to a body I like...

My thinspo bikini got here. It's sooo beautiful...
http://www.thewildflowershop.com/21856-pos_thickbox/ada-tequila-bikini-set.jpg
It is also extremely revealing and you can see every flaw my body has... My goal is to get into wearing it by the time it's bikini season again.  I also need to start working out, but this ankle injury is hindering that a lot...

Anyway, have to go do homework. Let's just cross our fingers today goes well!

Today's eats:
Apple and coffee - 60 cals
Chicken and veggies - 150
Packaged spinach salad - 220
Drinks out - ??? Not counting!

Monday, November 16, 2015

Eject thoughts

I've dropped a couple pounds and maintained the loss, but I want MORE and soon.

I just don't want to get too crazy. But I am unhappy with my current weight. Balance and I have never really been friends... I need to figure out how to do this in life.

I ordered the cutest skimpy bikini for motivation. I cant wait for it to come, but I also am really scared of that happening, because I know I will look massive in it... I just want to look like I did in my dream last night... I want to like my body and myself.

All my dreams were super symbolic last night, actually. It's weird. I wish I knew how to handle certain things better and that I could have everything I want to not be afraid. I wish I knew what to do with my feelings about Adam and the boyfriend. I wish I knew how to trust that the boyfriend is actually changing and has real potential. I'm so scared to rely on him or trust him to take care of me because he hasn't ever... 4 years, and I have so many things I've put up with and been put through. But there have also been a lot of positives and SO much growth... Right now I'm just scared to let myself be happy because then, if I do and he disappoints again, I get so devastated... Sometimes I don't know if I should continue trying to allow him to stay in my life or if I should start over with someone else.

I worry a lot. I have a lot of guilt. I hate myself and put myself in situations that make me hate myself more. I need attention. From anyone. All the time. I have issues.

But I know he loves me. I know someone else could too, but he really truly does, and he relies on me. I just wish I had the confidence to rely on him. I'm tired of certain things happening, and I want to honestly get enough money put aside so that if they happen again I can just leave. Forever. Just pack my stuff and bounce. But I also cannot imagine a life where I didn't have him loving me.

The small weak girl inside me wants to cling to him, the whore inside wants to fuck around with everyone and not think about him, the strong independent side wants to run away from every person I currently know, and the rational side doesn't know what the fuck to do.

If I'm honest with myself, I want to get engaged and married and have a baby with HIM. I want to have my career and a family with him by my side, and I want to look back on the difficult parts and feel like they were worth it. But I am scared that won't ever actually be able to happen, because a large part of all this relies on him. I'm scared he doesn't want the same things.

It's hard for me to fully commit to things because I've done that in the past and it did not work out. Now, I always feel like I have to have a backup plan. A perfectly laid one. And currently, I don't... It's so hard to mentally work around.

I feel lost, so I just take things one moment and day at a time and focus on school and try not to engage Adam too much and try to believe in the boyfriend like he needs me to. Basically, I don't think I actually have to decide on or commit to anything at the moment, so I'm not... But a little lost is hard to be... 

Sunday, November 15, 2015

FML. SMH.

Weight loss... Thumbs down.

But, in other news, Lolly hooked up with MW, and I'm honestly jealous. Strangely. I know I could have had that at one point, and I decided not to... I chose Adam instead, and look how that turned out...

Though today he asked me what my schedule is like lately... I didn't think too much of it, but it felt like there was a hint of "I miss hanging out."

But anyway... I like MW. He's been a good buddy to me, and even though we've had some issues, I think he's a good guy... Do I want him? No. Do I think that would be any kind of a good option for my life? No. Do I think he respects Lolly at all or even wants a girl like her? No. Do I think he's mentally stable in the least? No.

But does it annoy me? Yes... Partly because he has talked so much SHIT about her in the past, and I literally defended her, and now he fucks her? Oooookay... And partly because he's told me and even HER how much he likes me. But I'm not available so you fuck one of my best friends? Like, what is that?

I need to talk to Ee about it...

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Body and Boys and Lifestyle Changes

I've been eating pretty "normally" the past few days... I have also lost a couple pounds, which seems like a win-win. However, it has not been easy at all... I made a comment to the boyfriend recently that even when I don't engage in eating disordered behavior, I still have an eating disorder. It's something I carry with me that colors the way I view everything. I don't think I'll ever not have it. Which is sad, but just makes me realize that I have to figure out how to live with it.

It's still agony making the decision of what to eat, though. Daily. Every meal.

It's a dull agonizing kind of panic to start off. I'm hungry, and it's so hungry that I have to eat something. I know that if I let myself get too hungry and my blood sugar crashes, that I will eat garbage, so I have to make a decision while I still have some logic intact.

I stand there, peering into the fridge with my head spinning and the numbers crunching - all the while hearing Ana and Mia make comments like an angel and devil on my shoulders. "You shouldn't even eat anything, you fat pig." "Or, you could eat all the bad stuff and just throw it up after." "No, if you're going to eat, then just have that apple and some green tea." "Oh, but that pasta looks so much better..."

It takes me whole minutes to fight them off long enough to make a decision on what to actually eat. It's always a struggle as I calculate calories and freak out for whole minutes, taking out food items and putting them back. Reading labels. Fighting off practically crying.

Then, I decide, I prepare, and I eat. After, if it was a good choice, I feel a surge of relief. If it was a bad choice, I beat myself up in more ways than I could ever document, and it's downhill from there.

Lately, I have been focused on finding something reasonable and preparing and eating it and not questioning things. I decide to make a "good" choice before I look into the fridge, and then I don't allow myself to think too much. I just make it and eat, and afterward, I'm ok.

I have decided that around 1,000 calories a day is manageable and enough food for my body, and also not over doing it. That gives me around 250-300cals a meal and a little wiggle room for bites/snacks. I still have a million rules about food I'm not supposed to eat and portions of food and numbers that are too high, but I'm allowing myself to have things like cheese and milk and bread in moderation as long as they're not horrible types. Ana's rules are bent a little...

I'm going to give it some time and see how things go. I need to lose weight, and I just pray this method works (though I know it will be slower) and that I'm able to get my life together.

When I look back to photos of myself when I was a bit thinner, I seem so much happier... Some of them don't even feel like they're photos of me. It's so weird... But I want to be that girl again. That pretty girl who isn't dragging around extra weight and still trying to be pretty, but who's just actually pretty. I've gotten to a point where so many other things are happy. I need my body to be one as well.

I've made a few other changes lately as well...

I got rid of my Instagram... I don't know why, but it was giving me anxiety, and I felt it was a good choice. My friends are not happy, but honestly, I am. 

I decided to stop smoking weed too, at least the daily consumption. There are many reasons, but I think mainly, I want to stop because it will help with my eating. I also I think I need to develop other methods of stress-relief if I want to be successful in life. I'm not really going to tell the boyfriend about it; I'm just going to do it.

Last night was rough though... I could not fall asleep, and I almost took a antihistamine in order to accomplish falling asleep, but I think I need to stop using chemicals to accomplish things I should be able to do on my own. Humans should be able to sleep and eat and be happy without putting substances into them that change their brains. If I cannot do these things, I need to figure out why.

Part of the issue with sleep last night was Adam. I had a long think, and I honestly just hope that today he doesn't text me. The past two days have been nuts, and I know he needed support and a friend, and I am happy that I could be that for him, but I don't want to assume that he wants anything more from me. I honestly hope he gets his life all worked out and finds an amazing girl and leaves me alone. Because somehow, he has the power to pull me in, and I don't want that.

I don't want to be called "Beautiful Cally" and told how much he appreciates and loves me. I don't want actual temptation or to miss him and want to talk to him as much as I do. I just want us to be friends who once hooked up.

I need to remember that he had an option, and he made a choice. And I need to remember that I made a choice for specific reasons and that it would really suck to look like a fool if I played both sides right now and then have to choose once there's a ring involved.

I've been there before. I need to stop making the same mistakes. I need to think about what's best for my life and stop chasing around temporary highs.

I need moderation. In lots of areas...

My current goals:
1.) Lose 20 pounds a healthier way no matter how long it takes me.
2.) Get good grades this semester.
3.) Figure out how to handle my emotional issues.
4.) Develop a better relationship with the boyfriend and distance from Adam.

Number 4 depends on the other person, obviously. But I need to give the boyfriend the chance I'm telling him that I'm giving him. I need to distance myself from Adam and focus on what I have to work out with the boyfriend first. There is time. I have time in life to get things figured out. I just need to take it one day at a time and learn in all these areas how to resist temptation.

And if there comes a day when the boyfriend falls into old habits and patterns, then I will leave. And I will know that even if Adam does not come around, that someone else will. I learned many lessons this time around, but they will become mistakes if I don't handle them properly.


Thursday, November 5, 2015

Torn

The past couple days have been rough. I'm so torn. There is no other word to describe it...

I want to lose weight, but I honestly do not know how to. I mean, I know how to... I know how to restrict to 500 calories a day, and I know how to eat in preparation for throwing up my binges, and I know what to say to look normal and how to fight off stabbing hunger pains.

I know how to starve. And I know how to binge and maintain a high weight. But I want to know how to be healthy and maintain a low weight. I'm sick of the two options I currently have.

But at the same time, this little thought in the back of my head keeps telling me, "Just lose it. Lose it however you want so that you can feel good about your body again, and then we'll figure out how to do it. Let's just lose it and then figure out things once we're thinner."

I think about J. Leady and the time she told me "I just need like two weeks of bulimia. Just two weeks, and I can go back to normal." I feel like that right now. Just a couple months of flirting with Ana, and then I can go back to a more normal eating pattern.

It's been a long time since Ana was around, and Mia is more emotional release than weight loss, if I'm honest with myself. But what else is there??

If I lose the weight quickly and drastically and weigh twenty pounds less in two months, then what do I do?? In the past, I would cycle... Then I would binge for a couple days/weeks with alternating days of binging and starving. I would gain about 7-10 pounds back and then maintain a while. Then slowly the number would creep up and I got less serious about starving and less serious about binging. Then I go through a period where I just mimic whatever others around me are eating and don't actually plan or think about anything. Then once I'm fat again, I crash and let Ana take over.

I need a life change. I need to break this cycle and not go crazy. I need to restrict, but not to 500, or my metabolism will die. I need to stop binging completely and stop getting satisfaction from purging.

So, today... There is the matter of today and how much I will eat and what... I think I have some kind of flu currently. Food makes me feel nauseated, and I threw up dinner last night, not on purpose for once. I had a salad earlier, but I couldn't finish it.

I'm going to chill out right now, and eat whatever, considering binging makes me feel physically ill. I guess we will figure this out soon enough...

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Hating myself, as usual

I need to lose weight. And I need to find comfort in something other than food.

I need to get to the emotional reasons of why I binge. Because I do. And mia has been around way too much lately. I wish I could just be normal with food - eat when I'm hungry and make good food choices and not be a freak. But I don't know how...

I was never taught how. And when I learned about food, I learned from a horrible source in a dark time. All I know about eating is dysfunction. I know the over and the under, but not the middle.

I want to know moderation. With everything. I want to know how to handle not smoking, not binging, not looking to idiots for attention. I want to find comfort in something better than sex and drugs and food.

Is there? Where do I find it? How can I transform into the person who actually has her stuff together instead of the one who just pretends to? How do I like myself???

I need to get control of this, because I see it causing issues. I see where it's all headed if I don't figure it out now. I saw it for 19 years, and I don't want to do that to anyone.

I can't do what I want in life if I'm still this person.

I need to shed my demons. I need a different way.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Adam vs. Beard

I need him out of my head...

I avoid work so that I can avoid him, because I like him and want to see him, but I don't want that...

It works for a while, and I start to feel stable, but then I'm so broke I have to go back. I work three days in a row which hasn't happened in a while and won't again for a while. He works all three of them with me.

He's all over me.

He lingers, waits outside for me, touches me, smacks my ass with a linen, talks about anal. I tease, make eye contact, stick my ass out, and let parts of me touch him when he's close. We're both enjoying the little moments of intimacy, and I know it. I find myself wishing they were more and thinking about the morning we spent in bed with his fingers running up and down my spine while he kissed the back of my neck over and over.

He hugs me for so long that I start to laugh. He wants to hang out, and I know it. I blow it off and text him later. He blows off my text.

Cat and mouse sucks. We're both fighting for the upper hand, and neither one of us wants to let the other one know we actually fucking like them or give one single fuck about them.

I get home all mentally fucked up and throw a tantrum over what I'm greeted with. Stop drinking, fighting with your ex, and buying me the wrong flowers. I'm tired of Adam looking like a good option because the idiot hanging around for almost 4 years can't get his shit together.

I chug some alcohol, skip dinner, and contemplate sending him half naked photos, but I don't have any that don't make me look like a whale, and I decide having the upper hand in this in the long run is better than immediate attention. 

I go to bed alone, and somehow that's ok... Actually, I wish I were more alone and that the boyfriend and the kids were not even in my little apartment. I wish no one had access to my life for just one single day. I wake up annoyed, and I know I'm mean this morning, but I can't find it within myself to care. I don't know what I want anymore, but I definitely don't want a noisy house and extra responsibility when I'm already stretched so very thin.

Right now, no one and nothing seems like a good option. I'm starting to feel smothered and like I just want to run very very far away from everyone who needs or wants something from me. Mexico cannot come soon enough, and even if Lolly never pays me back I still want to go with her and do whatever in the fuck I want to for a week and not even be able to be bothered by my normal life.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Annoyed

I'm annoyed.

My mother is so close-minded she doesn't understand life sometimes. It's hard for me to even talk to her, and when I ask her to drop things, she just DOESN'T. It makes me avoid her...

Lolly is avoiding me, and I don't know why... We're having some kind of an issue, and I think she's annoyed that I don't have time for her. But I just don't. I can't really do anything about it either. I know we will fix this, but something is up, and I don't like it...

And the boyfriend is making me feel superrrr lonely. I asked him to come to bed last night, and he wouldn't. Today he worked longer than he was supposed to, and I asked him if he was closing, assuming he'd know I wanted him home. However, he called me to say that even though he's not closing and that he's getting off, that he's going to hang out with a friend before he comes home. Ok cool, so I'm not a priority... Gotcha.

I spent the entire sex session last night feeling preoccupied and distracted. I don't get enough affection, and he doesn't seem to get it still. I feel myself diving back into unhappiness, and I don't like it.

I'm going to bed at midnight. Cinderella doesn't need this shit.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Boys on the brain

Heath emailed me.

I went back over my blog entries to see if I had ever written about him, but I discovered that the 6 months that I was single warranted zero blog entries... No wonder I was such a mess.

"I'm reaching out because oddly enough, I do think about you a lot. If I wasn't in the situation I was in, I would have pursued everything I could to have been with you. I hate that it happened like that. I'm really sorry."

Then last night, his pregnant fiance e-mailed me.

I hate men.

Especially Pauly, because I hate that I can't hate him.

He slinks up behind me and hugs me. It's such a good hug, with his arm over my chest and his whole body up against mine. It's not the usual back-slapping bro hug he gives people. He wasn't fucking around. He was being intimate. It's the kind of hug that make people ask what's going on with you two.

It was nice because we've been so strained lately. It was extremely comforting and somewhat of a relief. Reassuring. I have been feeling like the biggest idiot and so insecure around him concerning this whole situation... Like I didn't mean anything at all to him. Like he used me and didn't like me. But, you don't hug people like that that you don't like... It was a special moment, but I quickly retreated because I couldn't handle the intensity of emotions that suddenly welled up inside of me.

I just want more and more hugs like that... And then in my crazy quest for attention and hating that I want more hugs, I try to make him jealous.

I mention that a dude left his business card and room key on the table (not sure if it was intentional, but it was there...) just to see how he would react. I thought he might react like Ian did and joke with me about it, or possibly get annoyed... He got upset. He turned and walked away immediately with a minimal reaction. Then he sees Craig hug me while I'm laughing from across the room, and he looks annoyed.

I want him to be jealous. I want him to feel rejected. I want him to feel all the things he made me feel.

But, more than anything, I want him to attempt again. The same way they all do eventually. The same way Heath just did and Bird and Gerard and Bogs and Scott and all the dudes that I have ever hooked up with... They all attempt again, at least once or until I say no.

Me, though. I want to say no. I want to point out his issues and how it wasn't handled properly and how he had a chance and blew it, and that I don't owe him anything.

And I want to stop feeling butterflies.

I'm very mad at myself for being in this position. For caring about him. For being proocupied by this and having an actual emotional response to him... I want to focus on the boyfriend. And I have been, but not 100%. It's just impossible right now, as much as I'd love him to give it all back over to him. I don't have a lot of faith in him, as much as I want to.

I know I care about Pauly because I get annoyed when he pays attention to Lolly. And that she seems to fucking revel in it. I mean, who doesn't enjoy attention? But, you just don't do that... I already fucked him; stay away. I would be so furious if they ever even touched, because it would ruin my friendship with her and also it would make what happened with me and him cheap.

And I don't think it was. I honestly think he likes me, but he doesn't know how to handle it. He doesn't know how to fight for it. He doesn't know how to handle anything in his life, honestly. The boy doesn't have a lot going for him...

But I meant what I said when I drunk texted him. I don't regret things. I like what happened. I wish it would have been different, but I also understand. But he does have a piece of my heart.

I just wish that piece would stop beating so quickly when he's around.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

The game

It's all just a big fat game now, isn't it? That's ok, though. I can play it better, guaranteed.

He wants attention on his terms only, and I find satisfaction in denying it to him. He makes a passive aggressive comment as he walks away as an attempt to make me feel stupid. It doesn't, and I know it was said because HE felt stupid. He wanted closeness and a hug, and I could feel it and instead didn't even make eye contact. 

Fuck you.

Thanks for wishing me a nice day. I would return the favor, but there have been so many times when I texted you nice shit and you didn't respond. I deleted your number, and I have no intention of ever texting you first again. I tried. And the fact that you texted me back today a million hours later doesn't fix anything.

But it definitely makes me feel better. I removed emotion, so now it's just all about the game.

And today, I won.

Emptying my head

It's bothering me, and I don't know why. I wish it wasn't.

I lie to Ee and tell him that it doesn't, but it does. I try to convince myself it doesn't bother me because I feel that's better somehow, but perhaps lying to myself is not the best way to handle this. And it's not like I don't really know anyway...

I just don't want to seem whiny or like a pathetic little fucking girl who's butt-heart over a guy of his caliber. I know I need to move on for my own sake and for the sake of not looking like a fucking idiot in regards to not only Pauly, but also the boyfriend. I know he's sketchy and we're not compatible, and he's a loser... But it still stings a bit to be rejected, no matter what the reason. Especially because he didn't even get to truly know me before he rejected me.

But, then, maybe that's why...

I just wish I could stop dreaming about him... I want him to disappear, but I know that won't happen. I mean, I don't KNOW... Actually all of them have in the past. They have all disappeared from my daily life.

Crazy, now that I stop to contemplate that.

Jay and D left and then Gerard and Bird were swept away when Timp closed. Bogs and I separated when I got fired, and then he moved away.

But, his departure is not likely. He's worked there forever, and I don't plan on leaving, so... The best I can hope for is to endure my mistake until I'm gone... 2.5 more semesters won't kill me, right? That's just most of a year.

The good news is I'm doing fantastic with my loverboy.

I needed a revitalization of our relationship. I got it. I'm praying Laura doesn't give me cruise money so that I can take him instead. I had a blast today, and he's being more appreciative, affectionate, loving... I hope this one sticks. The other night made me so hopeful that it will. Our fight just melted away, and we enjoyed each other.

We had stopped doing that for a while... Enjoying each other. Actually, I think the only thing I've been truly enjoying since January is school because I have been forced to spend so much mental energy there. I didn't have time to enjoy anything, and I was trying to balance everything.

Suddenly, I'm not trying to balance. Balance and order have formed on their own. We've all adjusted to my being in grad school - me, the bf, the kids, my parents, my co-workers, my friends... Feels like it took forever, but I think we have all finally adjusted.

I know I have, and it feels fantastic. I no longer stress endlessly about how much I have to do to the point where it's debilitating. I just do what I need to do, ignore things I cannot control, and truly process things that need to be processed.

I'm just living. Enjoying things, drinking, smoking, going out with friends, trusting, loving... Not worrying and stressing and being a bitch.

I love how it feels.

Now I just need my outsides to match my insides. 70 days until my cruise. I can lose a lot by then, but I absolutely have to get started... Think thin.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Random boy contemplations

I'm going on a cruise to Mexico in December. Maybe with Laura and maybe not... She tends to flake on things, and the boyfriend is dying to go... So we'll just see how it plays out. Suddenly she's annoyed with me, and I know it's because I'm not going to be single when we go if he and I stay toether...

And I want to stay together.

If there's another incident, I know that won't be the case, but I think he's had another relationship-altering realization. I just wish they didn't always come with such a fucking price tag and process.

And Paul... I feel like at this point, there's probably not anything to even really write about, but... My dream last night was weird. Honestly, it pissed me off, and I wish I could stop dreaming about him. But, I think it made me realize that I had different thoughts about him than what reality possibly is.

I thought he was nice.

He seems nice and acts nice, but I don't think he's really a nice guy... It's sad, but I think maybe he used to be. Maybe that fat kid in middle school was a nice guy, but college and restaurants changed him. And his issue with me, aside from the technicalities, is that I demand that he behave like that nice guy, and he doesn't want to.

He didn't let me in. He pretended to, but when it came down to it, he didn't. I always see the truth in people and their vulnerability, but I have an issue with people that won't let me share in their weak parts. I don't hurt people. And I allow myself to be vulnerable with people that I connect with. When they refuse to do it in return, I see it as almost an insult. He refused to let me in to his vulnerability point, and that is so rare that I didn't know how to handle it.
I want someone to be nice to me and put effort into me and not someone that I have to worry about their loyalty. I don't think he's right for me, aside from the Christopher thing... And that is exactly what I intend to tell him if he ever mentions any of this. I'm glad I just worked that out, actually because I was having a bit on anxiety about this situation when that's not really necessary...

We haven't spoken to each other directly since the night I told him I'd be leaving him alone and he apologized. I saw him a week later in passing, but he didn't even try to say hi to me... Just got super uncomfortable.

He can't even behave like my friend...

We shall see on Tuesday how he behaves, but I honestly don't think he is invested enough to even ask me how I am, and that's pretty sad, really. He guards himself so closely that he can't let me in. And I can't deal with people like that, except to let them go.


So, it will just be something that happened. Someone who touched my life and taught me a lesson but who won't mean anything more to me in the future. And that's sad, really, because I know if a few things were different that he could have won me over and I him, and we could have been something quite nice. He's now another Chevy. And Ryan. While Bogs and Bird and Gerard are in their own little category... Sad, really, how life can be. How people can be such a focus in your life until they disappoint you and you them. Then, suddenly you change direction and they mean nothing excepet memories and lessons.

But, alas, 300 cals for breakfast. Cruise is approaching, and this girl intends to be bikini ready. Grapes for a snack, and spaghetti squash for dinner possibly... Think thin, always.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Infatuation

 Erik sent me this song... It perfectly describes how Paul is making me feel...  It's good and it's bad... I just don't know where to go from here.
 
"Infatuation"


Baby, I don’t want to spend my life on trial
For something that I did not do
And maybe if you stopped and looked around some time
I wouldn’t pass right by you

Maybe it’s because you are so insecure
Maybe your plain don’t care
Maybe it’s the chase that really gets me off
I fall so when it’s just not there

Burn another bridge, break another heart
Try again, it will only fall apart

Infatuation
Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would have been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)

Try to put my finger on what burns me up
It always seems to escape me
And when you have decided that you’ve had enough
Just tell me where I need to be

Now her face is something that I never had
To ever deal with before
She left me with the feeling that she’d had enough
And I’m the one wanting more

Burn another bridge, break another heart
Try again, it will only fall apart

Infatuation
Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would have been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
And I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)

I’m so attracted to you
The feeling’s mutual too
And I get scared the moment you leave
Get so hot I forget to breathe, yeah

Infatuation
Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would have been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)
Ooh (I want it…)
Ooh (I want it…)
Yeah… (I want it…)

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

My new life

He doesn't want to close the door. Ok, so I'll leave it cracked, but I'm not walking through it. I put the ball squarely in his court. He saw my crazy; now, we just wait and see what happens.

He apologized. And he didn't have to. And he listened to me. I know he will be around. I know he will miss us and that he doesn't want to let go. And if he did let go, I think I'd still be ok...

I want him in my life. Not to date or be with, but I want him there in some way; at least for a little while. I don't think it will work out, but he's given me the push I need to let go of this situation and know that it is possible to meet someone who is infatuated with me and who can physically satisfy my needs as well. Even at my current weight, someone likes me and wants me around. Even when I act like a crazy bitch and have drama, he wants me. He wants me once I'm done with my process.

And I want to begin that process. I want to start it and do it and end it and maintain my composure and keep my grades up and my bank account full and not get desperate. I want him to ask me when he can see me and to make an effort and create time, and I want to say no a couple times. I want to go slowly and see if it is something I actually want for once. I don't want to rush in and get over my head and lose my composure this time.

I want to be alone. Desperately and completely alone. I don't need attention anymore. I just need alone for a while. I don't want to date my boyfriend, I don't want to listen to my mom or Jenn, and I don't want anyone in my business. I want to be free. I want to live for me for a while. I want to withdraw and find music and peace and solitude and travel somewhere and do something amazing. I want to have goals and dreams for only me and live for only me for a while.

I just need it soon.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Empathy

Excerpt from a paper...

The word “empathy”has always had a strong meaning to me in my life. When I was a child, probably around the age of 10, I had a rough relationship with my younger brother. We fought and argued, as many 10 and 7 year old siblings do. But my mother, unlike most, did not tolerate such behavior. We would be questioned, scolded and punished for arguments that took on anything less than a civilized tone. As I got older, I found it infuriating that children I came into contact with were allowed to display emotion in a way that I was not. They were allowed to tell their sibling they hated them, forbid them to touch their things or to hang out with their friends, and even possibly get in a good hit now and then. My life was not like this.

I remember being in the car alone with my mother one day after school, and she suddenly started addressing my attitude toward my brother. She accused me of being resentful and spiteful and rude to someone who idealized me more than any other person. She got emotional. She told me I would ruin our relationship for the rest of my life if I did not learn to truly appreciate it then. She told me I should put myself in his shoes and learn to be thoughtful. She told me not to be so selfish.   

I think that many people do not realize that in order to be empathetic and sincere, we have to shed as much selfishness as we humanly can. We have to shun the idea that our own lot in life matters most, that we are just as, if not more, important than others, and that we have it all figured out. We have to truly and fully put ourselves secondary in our own minds. The reason that many people do not choose empathy and sincerity is because to practice these things opens us up to a true possibility of emotional pain. When we empathize and someone does not return the favor, it feels like rejection; when we are sincere and met with insincerity, it feels like rejection. True empathy and sincerity is allowing ourselves possible rejection with the sincere hope that, instead, that person will allow us to connect with them fully and understand their plight.

The most emotionally stable people are the ones who realize that emotional stability is a myth. We all experience the same human emotions that sometimes consume our thoughts and make us feel them on a much deeper level than what we are comfortable with. A truly emotionally stable person is not one who fights these things, but learns to interpret what they mean when they arise. Instead of suppressing secondary human emotions on one end of the spectrum, or wallowing in them at the other end, emotionally stable people learn to fall somewhere in the middle. They allow themselves to feel raw and powerful emotion, but they do not allow that emotion to take them over. They analyze where it is coming from, why it is there, and what they can do with that information.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

What is love?

People have the wrong idea about love. 

The misconception is that you'll find someone who is perfect to you. That you'll have attraction and passion and be compatible in every way. And you'll be head over heels in love with each other and best friends and never dream of leaving each other or ever even want to. 

The reality is not this. The reality is you'll find someone you love, but sometimes you may not like them. You'll argue and fight and have a lot of differences that sometimes cause problems. 

The key is to make the choice. Being with someone you love isn't about some fairy tale romance where nothing goes wrong. It's about deciding that the person you're with is worth every negative thing they have to offer and committing to make it work forever.

You don't just happen upon an amazing relationship if you wait long enough. You create one once you find someone you feel is worth the effort and once you choose that no matter what, you love the other person enough to make it work and they love you just the same. 

Thursday, September 3, 2015

17 days

It's been 17 days since I began to hate my boyfriend, and it's not getting any better. In fact, I think it's worse...

I don't want him anymore. I want him to leave, and I don't think I even care what happens to him. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish he could have made this work, but I don't think he can and I can't compensate anymore. I won't.

So he's on the air mattress, and I'm in the bedroom. Night after night lately. We're only roommates, and I'm ok with that. And if I had anywhere else to go, I would.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Physically a wreck

My body is a wreck...

First, I got a disgusting sinus infection that would not effing go away... It weakened my immune system and hung on so badly that I ended up getting a yeast infection. Lovely. Then I started antibiotics to treat both infections and while it's working, it's too strong and fucked up my birth control so I'm having breakthrough bleeding mid-pack (Since I barley ever have a full on period these days because of my stress level.) I could not figure out why I had cramps all fucking day long. Then it all fit together. To top it off, my shoulder is sooo fucked up that I can barely even take a full breath in without wincing... I'm fucking miserable. 

So currently rocking the end of a sinus infection, the middle of a yeast infection, and beginning period symptoms with a busted ass shoulder. 

All because of stress. Motherfucking stress. Brought on by the ninny I live with. Who I'm not taking it easy on. 

Probably a good thing this all came about tho or I would be at Paul's house tonight... 

Not helping me to figure my life out, to be quite honest. 

Monday, August 31, 2015

I HATE

I hate everything.

I hate my BF.

MOST. OF. ALL.

For being a huge douchey loser idiot who drains me in every way - emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. He is a fucking WASTE of humanity. He is rude and arrogant for no reason and FUCKING irresponsible and irrational and STUPID beyond belief, and I wish he would just fucking die sometimes. I honestly wish he would, because then I wouldn't be in this internal turmoil of tryng to decide if I want to put up with all the SHIT I have to to be with him. I wouldn't have to think about his ex being like "Oh I knew it wouldn't last. He doesn't love anyone enough to be a good person, especially not her" and all the other SHIT she would talk. I wouldn't have to deal with  and everyone fucking asking me "why didn't it work out?" and the thought of losing his fucking kids or re-starting my life or trying to figure out if someone else out there would be nice enough to spend time with naked. If he died, then everyone would have pity and not ask me SHIT and give me time to heal and grieve without trying to fuck me immediately. His ex would be decent because there is nothing left to fight over, and I would still get to see his kids because I'm a part of that if he's dead. And I wouldn't have to think about him moving on and being with someone else, but I would fucking GET TO and have a goddamn LIFE again.

Behavior is motivated by feelings. WTF. So like Paul.

Whom I ALSO HATE.

"I'm not a cheater" but I am. I just don't cheat on people who fucking ACT like they love me. I cheat on fucking assholes who have stopped giving a shit about me.

I hate Paul for not having any fucking substance or balls or personality and for being too fucking sweet. I hate that I can't get him out of my head and that he wasn't too douchey for me to not go over to his fucking house and get what I needed. I hate that he's so fucking flaky that it DOES make me overthink things, and I HATE that he called me out about that... I hate that he didn't text me back and that he isn't just grabbing me when I'm around. I hate that he's not Bird or Gerard. I hate that I want to go to his house RIGHT FUCKING NOW, and I probably could but I want a fucking invitation, and I don't get them because he's too STUPID to actually be with and can't do anything right with his life.

I hate Schwetz.

GOD I hate him, and I hope he never fucking texts me again. Don't keep me up all night saying all the right things and pretend like you're some amazing fucking person just to get into my pants or get a jack-off picture. I hate that he's musical and intelligent and charming and that he thought he could pull something over on me. I hate that he complimented me too much and made me feel like it's all BULLSHIT because why would anyone even think that shit about me? Because they DON'T and I hate myself and I know everyone else only tolerates me anyway unless they need a fucking therapist. I hate that me made me feel like I'm interesting and he was interested when it was just a huge fucking LIE and I hate that he won't fucking text me back and it makes me feel like a pathetic ASSHOLE.

I hate sketchy ass boys who have great girls at home or hanging around them that stomp all over other people's feelings and my fear of them which is so great that I would rather put up with the asshole I live with than risk unknowingly dating one.

I hate Laura and Danielle and Jenn for trying so hard to be so fucking supportive when in reality they're just making me feel like a huge pathetic asshole who can't leave her loser boyfriend but they don't fucking UNDERSTAND. I need motherfucking attention, whether it's good or bad, and right now I know that I have that no matter what. I hate that I'm a giant fat disgusting attention whore.

I hate myself.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I want to die. 

Friday, August 21, 2015

Gerard's kiss

I had a dream about Gerard the other night. It was so real. 

Suddenly, there in my mind's eye, was his nervously smiling and somewhat mischievous face: the face he used to make when he was thinking about being an asshole but instead his sentiment kicked in. The look he always gave to me. I asked Jenn about him, and she told me he moved back home. I wish I could have seen him one last time, in a way. Even though we don't talk because we hurt each other... I still wish we could sometimes. 

I was one of his weaknesses, I think. I don't know why, but I could have always had anything I wanted from him. He stayed away when he knew I wanted it, and he desperately wanted to come back when he thought there was a small chance it was possible. 

But I never wanted him the way he wanted me. I just loved his comfort, the way he felt, how he was reliable and how he treasured me. I felt so completely comfortable and desired and protected around him, and like I never had to work to maintain it. That's rare for me with any human being, much less one that I actually kind of like back... It's not like Bogart, who I kind of felt was a bit pathetic, in retrospect. I thought Gerard was interesting and handsome and desirable. Though not quite as desirable as the boy I felt I was supposed to be with... My love swept in and carried me off into the sunset, leaving Gerard fading in the past - though he did give a thorough effort not to be left there alone. 

I remember the night that Gerard and I kissed. I had actually wanted it for a very long time. I had wanted it since before my soulmate stepped in. I had wanted it first, which made it feel completely right and not like the betrayal some may have portrayed it as. It was probably the one of the best kisses of my entire life. But a blossoming romance was not suppose to take root from this kiss. It was just meant to be a kiss, and that was all I had ever really wanted. 

That warm, breezy summer night lying on the dock with a head full of smoke while or lips danced. That was one of those special, perfect moments in life. I felt so completely perfect in that moment. I had no worries about life, and at that moment I was getting exactly what I wanted. I knew he would not pressure me for more, and I didn't want more. I wanted exactly that: to kiss him and be kissed by him. I wanted nothing more and nothing less, and that was exactly what I was getting. It's so rare for life to give you exactly what you're wanting in a single moment without the distractions of pressure or insecurity or worry. It was one of those perfect moments. 

If I could go back to a handful of moments in life and relive them, that would be high on the list. 


Saturday, August 15, 2015

No rest for the wicked

"A good student is one who sets out to disprove everything they hear and not just remember it."

"The difference between how guys fuck and how girls fuck is simple: guys work hard for it. They're aggressive and work hard while women are lazy and passive. Guys fuck you. Girls make love to you. Maybe it's just the difference being impregnated and desperately wanting to spread your seed. Biological." 

My brain will. Not. Fucking. Shut. Off.  

Hello, again 4am. (My Freudian typing first read "Help.") Hello, insomnia and hunger pangs.

I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead and my creative juices have stopped flowing. I've been here before. For endless, sleepless years of my life. I don't ever understand why, though: why sleep leaves me for seemingly endless stretches of time or where it decides to go. I will assume it's return, only to be fooled night after night.It vacates my head and body and forces it to work overtime. The work gets sloppy fast... I need to find ways to trick my brain into allowing slumber to sneak into its dusty little corners. Roll in like the fog, sweet sleep. And please don't punish me with nightmares for tricking you inside. 

Don't think

I was good today. It was very difficult, but I did it. 

Normally when I'm stuck at work all day, I fuck it up badly at some point. Not today. Today's three meals consisted of a grilled chicken breast with green vegetables, a dry spinach salad with salmon, and a lite "Caesar" salad with Brussels sprouts and a couple bites of pasta. Oh and an apple and some strawberries. Less than 1,000 calories. I'll allow myself to see that as a win considering how awful and long today was and how sore I am from the gym yesterday and how badly I wanted to cave and binge. 

I've decided ten days.

Ten straight days before I freak over my weight, give in to temptation, or quit. Ten days before I think about the process or how "unhealthy" I am being or any of the mental anguish I normally put myself through. After ten days of doing weight loss and not thinking about it, I will compare progress to goals and reevaluate.
I don't know how to get on track if I keep thinking about it. When I think about it, I justify not losing, based on "what's healthy" and how "I'll do it the right way once I figure out what that is." However, I never figure out a different way to get the weight off... Then, I think about how good I could look or how "healthy" I could be if I could just manage to not be crazy about it but still lose it...

But maybe weight loss and being healthy just IS this insane and tortuous process of deprivation. Even the "healthy" people can't really fucking like it, right?? Doesn't every vegan truly, deep down, fucking crave a bacon cheeseburger? Don't we all just really fucking want to be "unhealthy?" But then, where's the line in regards to physical and mental health?? I'm physically healthy but mentally fucked up and never letting myself have what I want? Or I'm mentally ok with myself and indulge and just fucking give in and enjoy my life but then I'm just physically unhealthy and miserable about my body and just not about bacon cheeseburgers? Either way I'm miserable, right? Either way I'm fucking unhealthy

So, I've decided that as long as I'm going to be miserable, I might as well be miserable and look good. As long as I don't get to a point of hating myself with my weight loss process, then the process is acceptable. 

But then again, I just hate myself anyway as a fat ass, sooo... It's currently unsolvable. 
 
Ten days, then, love. 

Think thin. 


Friday, August 14, 2015

Time to do this

Today's intake:
B: coffee with a little milk and Splenda, canned peaches - 130 cals
L: chicken breast and kale sunflower seed chopped salad - 300 calories 
D: zucchini with tomato sauce, onions, mushrooms, and a little ground beef - 300 calories. 
Total: 700 calories 
Gym: burned 500+ calories

It's all I want. To go to the springs and turn heads again. To feel comfortable. I want to lose 20lbs, but I'd settle for anything at the moment... Time to give in. Today, I felt so good sticking to my old ways. I want to feel that old, comfortable process. I want it to be second nature again, and not something I have to think or plan. I want to feel hungry. 

Today was easy. I didn't get questioned when my breakfast was different or when my lunch was different. I was only questioned about dinner because it looked so yummy. I got a bit flaky at the end of the day, though. And I had to check my "hanger" before lunch and dinner a bit... But, my body listened when I told it "no" and "push through this workout." It knows it's fat too... And this time I won't try to make it do unreasonable things.

I will, however, make sure it gets back to a point where it isn't fucking up my emotions anymore. 

Day one. I know I can do this and how long it should reasonably take, so no more fucking excuses, Cally. 

No more Stasia. Cally is back. 

Friday, August 7, 2015

Strange

I told Lolly about Mia. It was weird confessing so much about myself and my past self to someone currently..."I'm trying to be good." That's my usual line, but I've come to realize that it doesn't mean "I'm trying to make my behavior good," but more like, "I'm trying to mentally be ok and in a stable place where I behave myself accordingly and in ways that I am ok with."

Hanging out with Pauly was fucking weird. He's weird. And shallow. How can someone have so little substance to themselves? How can people be so thin and watery? Being in his presence and listening to his life story opened my eyes, in a way. People who are in a position like myself aren't always like me... In the serving industry, you find a lot of people who are doing this for so many different reasons. But, the one thing they normally have in common, is that they are directionless. The other night made me realize this: Some people are directionless because they crave too much. Some people are directionless because they crave nothing at all.

I am definitely the former: I want to be a model and an artist and a therapist and a rock star and a housewife and a blogger and a dancer and a singer and a writer and a professor and a doctor and so many things rolled into one. I want to do everything and know everything and go everywhere and taste and experience anything that is possible. I want to fight life and all the negative shit it throws at me to make sure for MYSELF that I am happy and fulfilled and get anything I ever dreamed of having.

But, not everyone is like me. Some people are content with working a little job in a little town and focusing on their little lives and don't crave anything different. They have no depth. They have no scars, and they don't have to fight life to be happy, or maybe they just don't want to. It makes them mediocre. The best friends I've ever had in my life and the most interesting people I've ever encountered were people who were damaged. And the worst ones I've ever met have never had anything truly devastating to deal with in their lives.

Lolly is a trainwreck, and I prefer her over Pauly 1,000 times... It was like two opposite ends of the spectrum, and it was a little off-putting. It makes me appreciate my boyfriend SO much when I spend time with other people. I think in my life, I have only truly felt comfortable with a very small number of people, and I am thankful that he is one and that I have him. Even my EX and the ex-hubby were not in this category, and I am grateful that I ended up where I ended up in life, even if it always seems to be a struggle.

I would rather fight and struggle through life and make a name for myself and feel proud and accomplished and happy. I know I could settle on a different boy with a different path and a different lifestyle, and I could focus on my body and not my mind, and I could "have" so many things in life. But, I want THIS. I want to be different and intoxicating and unforgettable. I want to take drugs and run my mouth and get into trouble and push the boundaries and make awful, terrible mistakes and then FIX them. I want to push people when I see them slacking and push myself hardest of all. I don't ever want complacent.

I am different. And all people are, but I am TRULY different. I have never fit in anywhere I ever went. I am always loved or hated, and no one is un-opinionated about me. I'm weird. I've had a weird life and a strange upbrining, but I am happy about that. It made me who I am, and it took me years to figure out what society is and what parts I wanted to reject or accept. It has taken me a long time to realize that I am completely ok with me... Those who love me will never forget me, and those who hate me always seem to envy me anyway.

But, bottom line of course, it's time for my outsides to match my insides...

Still, eternally, thinking thin.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Stress

The past has been creeping in to haunt me lately. I think it's honestly because of the move. I've been cleaning things out and getting rid of things, and it's not easy or fun to dig up old stuff. Also, peeking in on the EX and the ex-hubby was not a good idea... I just see huge dysfunction and it makes me wonder why I chose such insane people, and if that's what's going on with my current relationship...

The boyfriend and I are good now, but I always worry it will go back to that shitty, toxic time in our relationship. I don't want that ever again.

I need to get into a pattern of taking care of myself, and it has been almost imposible this summer. Between school and money issues and work, I've had ZERO free time, and it's starting to take a toll on me. Even when I do have time for myself, all I end up doing is catching up on sleep. I smoke to decompress, but that's not helping me with any actual issues... It's just a bandaid. I need to get this move over with, get my semester over with, and focus on what I need to be healthy and happy.

I need to get my weight under control. I have managed to stop gaining, (kept off that extra extra 5) but the losing is the issue at the moment. Looking back through photos, I feel disgusting and huge. I don't know why it was so easy before, and why I've let myself go so much these days... I feel revolting and bloated and depressed and unmotivated to change myself because I don't know how to the healthy way, and I don't know where I should even be...

I need this move to be a turning point. I need to improve my diet, get back to the gym, lose about 20 pounds, and stop overworking myself in other areas of my life. I need balance, desperately.

I'm starting to hate myself, and that's not good. I don't want to be there again.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Insomnia

forgot what it felt like, but here it is. I did not eat all day today until dinner. I felt good. 

I felt great, actually. 

Then, when I arrived home, I did not smoke and binge like usual. I ate some chicken and broccoli and a bit of potatoes, and I called it a night. 

But, the night does not want to cooperate. The sleeplessness, the restlessness, the complete lack of being able to turn off my brain returns.

I've spent a lot of my life suffering from insomnia. Years, actually. Lying in bed not able to stop thinking about stupid shit that doesn't matter at fucking all. 

Tonight, I return. I knew I would when I decided to stop smoking for a bit here. But, alas. Se la vie. I have got to stop spending too much money smoking too much pot and eating too much crap. 

Sleep will return eventually, and maybe I'll lose some weight and get some shit done in the meantime. 

Here's hoping sleep comes soon.

Goodnight, pretties. 

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Bulimia

I'm bulimic.

I am taking a diagnosis class, and the other day instead of reading about schizophrenia, like I was supposed to be doing, I read about bulimia. I don't know why I started there, but I felt drawn...

I officially, medically am bulimic, and when I think about my life, I have been off and on (more often on) for about the past 5 years.

I was kind of surprised by this, but then also not surprised... When I kind of mentioned it to the boyfriend, a totally cofusing conversation followed.

"Years?" he asked.

"Yeah, for years of my life I was bulimic." I said, while in my head, I thought "am bulimic."

"Well, I'm glad you aren't anymore. Geez. I don't think I could be with you."

"Why not?" I asked totally shocked by this response. "What would it change?"

"I don't know; you wouldn't be you. I wouldn't even know you; you'd be different."

I let it go at that, but I realized that he would be crazy pissed off if he knew. I've hidden it so well from him, and tried not to engage in the behavior when I could possibly be caught by him, and I guess it has worked well. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I thought that he would kind of have an inkling that this was the current reality about me. I thought when I mentioned it that he would possibly even question me, but I guess literally no one in my life will ever know about what I do except the world of blogger.

I think he sounds insensitive when you read this, but I get what he was saying... I think more what he meant is that if I were crazy skinny and blatantly throwing up every meal he cooked me, he wouldn't like it, but it just shows how ignorant people really are about the disease. He doesn't know the realities of eating disorders, and I have no question that if I came to him and confessed, he would be sympathetic and understanding and legitimately try to help me.

One day, I'll probably tell him when I'm far removed, but right now I just don't want to... I'm somehow comfortable with my disease. And that's almost scary... But... For now, Mia is my own. She comforts me and is familiar, and honestly has been with me a lot longer than him.

Plus, lately, my old methods have been working well, and my body is FINALLY letting go of some of this weight. I'm at a number I haven't seen in a while, and I feel sooo much better about my body at the moment. It was just enough of a push to get me losing again.

So what is the resolution to this? How do I feel? I don't know... I guess it just is what it is and hopefully one day I will figure out how to leave Mia behind. But honestly, I'm not in any kind of hurry.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Yvonne

I just wrote this for class. I also cried about my lost childhood best friend almost all day yesterday. She deserved so much more, and I wish she could have gotten it out of life. Rest in peace, beautiful.


Growing up, my childhood best friend was Yvonne McBride. She was half white and half black, and in the small, rural town where we grew up, she was not accepted by anyone. Her parents were divorced, and she was raised by her white mother and grandmother. I remember being at her house once, watching TV and eating dinner on an average Friday night, and her own grandmother ranting about how disgraceful it was that Yvonne’s mother had married a black man and had her. It was stated blatantly in front of her and directed toward her, and this was commonplace in her family. Yvonne’s grandmother always acted as if she wished Yvonne were white, and Yvonne’s mother never defended her choice or her child (possibly out of fear that she would stop getting assistance from her grandmother, or possibly because she agreed - I never could tell). In their family, Yvonne’s older sister who WAS white received a disgraceful amount of favoritism, but no one ever defended Yvonne, and they all spoke and acted as if they agreed she would be a better person if she were white - as if she was the one who made the choice to be born a mixed baby.

In elementary school, she was not accepted by our classmates. She was the only black girl in our entire small private Christian school, and though she “acted white,” she never fit in. I don’t think a lot of the kids in our school were knowingly racist - they just came from a small rural lifestyle where anyone who acted or looked different in any way was ignored and avoided, and she happened to fall into this category. In middle school, her mom enrolled her in public school, and I remember hoping, for her sake, that she would meet some mixed or black kids to be friends with. However, this tragically did not happen. She became a target because her skin was so much lighter than the other black girls, and she was extremely intelligent and always carried herself with dignity. I remember her calling me one day after school crying, which she never did. A small group of black girls had cornered her in the bathroom at school, knocked her backpack out of her hands, got in her face, and screamed at her, accusing her of thinking that she was “better than them.” When I asked her how she reacted, she said she screamed right back and told them she would kill them if they got in her face again. I was startled by her response until she explained, “If I act scared of them, they will harass me forever. They need to be scared of me. It’s the only way I can defend myself.” I remember constantly being so distraught that my amazing friend could be treated by every group of people as if she didn't belong. She was beautiful and intelligent and funny and bubbly, but everyone rejected her, even in her own family. If what you are is black and white but no white people accept you and no black people accept you, then who are you supposed to relate to? Who are you supposed to be?

Once we started high school, we lost touch, but this week’s readings and thinking about my childhood friend prompted me to look her up online. I discovered that her life turned out so much worse than I had hoped. She spent quite a lot of time in and out of jail from 2009-2012. She was arrested for a DUI, various probation violations, and eventually assisting in an armed robbery. She was sentenced to 55 months in jail, and a few months after this, she caught some kind of flu and was quarantined along with over 100 other female inmates. She, however, was the only one who died from the mysterious illness, while in jail, at age 26. I was heartbroken when I learned all of this, and it made me question if she had lived in a different town, went to a different school, or had different color skin, would she have had a better life? If her grandmother had not told her she did not accept her, if her mother had supported her in any way, if the black girls at her school had let her into their inner circle, would she instead have a husband and children and be alive and well? It’s something that will honestly sadden me for the rest of my life. However, I am choosing to also view her and her life as an inspiration - I hope that my counseling and general attitude toward anyone I ever meet in the future, honors her memory and the lessons she taught me.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Not stable

I try to be stable, but I'm not.

I'm SO tired of being fat; I can see myself adopting Ana & Mia patterns again... I've lost about 5 pounds, and I just want to get rid of some of my body.

 I feel suffocated and ugly.

It's not easy feeling this way at the moment; I'm not balanced right now. I catch myself fighting the two extremes, and when I read about Bulimia in my DSM manual, I wonder if it will ever be possible for me to not be diagnosed as such... I have been for SO many years.

I guess we'll have to see how it plays out... But to be honest, losing the weight is more of a focus than how healthily I do it, at the moment.

I think my mind will always be dark. I think I will always be a little fucked-up in the head.

Sometimes, I get all gun-ho about "mental health" and "self-love," and I want to be better. Then other times, I don't think I CAN be better. I think this might just be who I am, and I think it's a little messed up... Are some people just a little messed up no matter what?

We're supposed to be the best kind of a person, as a therapist. That's what this career and major ARE. You're supposed to be more understanding, empathetic, stable, and healthier than the average person.  I'm supposed to have answers and guidance. I'm supposed to help someone else to be better. So, in theory, I have to be better myself.

But what if I CAN'T be more of those things than others? What if I can't be the "most" mentally healthy of my race?

Will I still be able to help? Because, trust me, I'm trying to get my shit together... But I don't know if I really can.

Monday, May 11, 2015

How am I?

I don't know how I'm doing lately...

It's weird when I think about it, but that's exactly how I feel. I guess I'm not sure how I feel.

I think it's because I feel like SO many things are going good right now, and I feel like it's bound to get fucked up somehow...

I'll gain weight or be unable to lose it, the boy will lose attraction or stop loving me, I'll start failing in school, I'll get very far behind financially, or whatever other awful scenario one could possibly imagine...

But, when I look at the past year, these scenarios don't even seem likely.

It seems more likely that I'll do well in school, manage my finances smartly, and that the boy and I will fall in love deeper every freaking moment and get married and have a baby.

The body situation... That seems like it's going to be more difficult to change, but damn I really want to and the right way...

I am scared to get too comfortable, but the comfort feels so good right now.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Final final

I had my last final of my first semester of graduate school today.

It was surreal and amazing.

I flew through the exam - it felt so easy. I had a rush as I knew all the answers, scribbling in the bubbles and flipping each page. *whoosh, scribble, scribble, scribble, whoosh*

I double-checked it, and marched up to the front and turned it in. I turned to leave, and my TA was smiling at me and waving goodbye. I smiled and waved and left the classroom. I realized I was the first one out, and it felt like I took the exam so quickly... I glanced at my phone.

6:17 pm.

What!? SEVENTEEN minutes!? I even double checked my answers, and it felt so effortless!

I felt like a kid at fucking Disney World as I walked back to my car and left campus. My first semester is over, and I worked SO hard, and it was worth it

It's amazing to me that I am capable of this. I am accomplishing things. I am learning things. I am making an impression. I am getting good grades. I am liking school. Again. Like I haven't since I was 17. I feel smart again. Like I have something to say, and people want to listen. My professor said it was a pleasure to have me in her class.

I am liking my life. A lot. I'm not stressed, even when things get rough. I love my boyfriend and my wonderful stepkids, and I have a great job where people love me and support and appreciate me. And I'm kicking ass in fucking graduate school.

I've let go of SO many issues I've had this semester. I've worked on my mental health. A LOT. I've written and analyzed and had so many moments where I had life-altering realizations about SO many things. It's crazy to me all the moments I've had where I've left class completely emotionally drained but with peace - knowing I just had a breakthrough. And they're not superficial like I've had in the past. They've stuck, and I'm not faking it for once.

I don't feel crazy anymore.

I feel mentally healthier than I have in a very long time, and I've worked very hard to get here. I don't feel like I need to smoke anymore (though, let's face it - I still like it, so I'm still smoking. Ha ha!) I've cut out all the backup boys and attention seeking. I actually sleep at night. Who would have thought any of those were possible??

It's so rewarding, and I don't want to lose it! I want to feel physically healthier now. That's my next step, and I know I'll get there... One thing at a time, I suppose. I'm not in any rush.

I just want to get to a place where I'm losing weight and taking care of myself because I love my body and not because I hate it... I've never felt that before, and I want it.