Monday, October 26, 2015

Adam vs. Beard

I need him out of my head...

I avoid work so that I can avoid him, because I like him and want to see him, but I don't want that...

It works for a while, and I start to feel stable, but then I'm so broke I have to go back. I work three days in a row which hasn't happened in a while and won't again for a while. He works all three of them with me.

He's all over me.

He lingers, waits outside for me, touches me, smacks my ass with a linen, talks about anal. I tease, make eye contact, stick my ass out, and let parts of me touch him when he's close. We're both enjoying the little moments of intimacy, and I know it. I find myself wishing they were more and thinking about the morning we spent in bed with his fingers running up and down my spine while he kissed the back of my neck over and over.

He hugs me for so long that I start to laugh. He wants to hang out, and I know it. I blow it off and text him later. He blows off my text.

Cat and mouse sucks. We're both fighting for the upper hand, and neither one of us wants to let the other one know we actually fucking like them or give one single fuck about them.

I get home all mentally fucked up and throw a tantrum over what I'm greeted with. Stop drinking, fighting with your ex, and buying me the wrong flowers. I'm tired of Adam looking like a good option because the idiot hanging around for almost 4 years can't get his shit together.

I chug some alcohol, skip dinner, and contemplate sending him half naked photos, but I don't have any that don't make me look like a whale, and I decide having the upper hand in this in the long run is better than immediate attention. 

I go to bed alone, and somehow that's ok... Actually, I wish I were more alone and that the boyfriend and the kids were not even in my little apartment. I wish no one had access to my life for just one single day. I wake up annoyed, and I know I'm mean this morning, but I can't find it within myself to care. I don't know what I want anymore, but I definitely don't want a noisy house and extra responsibility when I'm already stretched so very thin.

Right now, no one and nothing seems like a good option. I'm starting to feel smothered and like I just want to run very very far away from everyone who needs or wants something from me. Mexico cannot come soon enough, and even if Lolly never pays me back I still want to go with her and do whatever in the fuck I want to for a week and not even be able to be bothered by my normal life.

No comments:

Post a Comment