I've been eating pretty "normally" the past few days... I have also lost a couple pounds, which seems like a win-win. However, it has not been easy at all... I made a comment to the boyfriend recently that even when I don't engage in eating disordered behavior, I still have an eating disorder. It's something I carry with me that colors the way I view everything. I don't think I'll ever not have it. Which is sad, but just makes me realize that I have to figure out how to live with it.
It's still agony making the decision of what to eat, though. Daily. Every meal.
It's a dull agonizing kind of panic to start off. I'm hungry, and it's so hungry that I have to eat something. I know that if I let myself get too hungry and my blood sugar crashes, that I will eat garbage, so I have to make a decision while I still have some logic intact.
I stand there, peering into the fridge with my head spinning and the numbers crunching - all the while hearing Ana and Mia make comments like an angel and devil on my shoulders. "You shouldn't even eat anything, you fat pig." "Or, you could eat all the bad stuff and just throw it up after." "No, if you're going to eat, then just have that apple and some green tea." "Oh, but that pasta looks so much better..."
It takes me whole minutes to fight them off long enough to make a decision on what to actually eat. It's always a struggle as I calculate calories and freak out for whole minutes, taking out food items and putting them back. Reading labels. Fighting off practically crying.
Then, I decide, I prepare, and I eat. After, if it was a good choice, I feel a surge of relief. If it was a bad choice, I beat myself up in more ways than I could ever document, and it's downhill from there.
Lately, I have been focused on finding something reasonable and preparing and eating it and not questioning things. I decide to make a "good" choice before I look into the fridge, and then I don't allow myself to think too much. I just make it and eat, and afterward, I'm ok.
I have decided that around 1,000 calories a day is manageable and enough food for my body, and also not over doing it. That gives me around 250-300cals a meal and a little wiggle room for bites/snacks. I still have a million rules about food I'm not supposed to eat and portions of food and numbers that are too high, but I'm allowing myself to have things like cheese and milk and bread in moderation as long as they're not horrible types. Ana's rules are bent a little...
I'm going to give it some time and see how things go. I need to lose weight, and I just pray this method works (though I know it will be slower) and that I'm able to get my life together.
When I look back to photos of myself when I was a bit thinner, I seem so much happier... Some of them don't even feel like they're photos of me. It's so weird... But I want to be that girl again. That pretty girl who isn't dragging around extra weight and still trying to be pretty, but who's just actually pretty. I've gotten to a point where so many other things are happy. I need my body to be one as well.
I've made a few other changes lately as well...
I got rid of my Instagram... I don't know why, but it was giving me anxiety, and I felt it was a good choice. My friends are not happy, but honestly, I am.
I decided to stop smoking weed too, at least the daily consumption. There are many reasons, but I think mainly, I want to stop because it will help with my eating. I also I think I need to develop other methods of stress-relief if I want to be successful in life. I'm not really going to tell the boyfriend about it; I'm just going to do it.
Last night was rough though... I could not fall asleep, and I almost took a antihistamine in order to accomplish falling asleep, but I think I need to stop using chemicals to accomplish things I should be able to do on my own. Humans should be able to sleep and eat and be happy without putting substances into them that change their brains. If I cannot do these things, I need to figure out why.
Part of the issue with sleep last night was Adam. I had a long think, and I honestly just hope that today he doesn't text me. The past two days have been nuts, and I know he needed support and a friend, and I am happy that I could be that for him, but I don't want to assume that he wants anything more from me. I honestly hope he gets his life all worked out and finds an amazing girl and leaves me alone. Because somehow, he has the power to pull me in, and I don't want that.
I don't want to be called "Beautiful Cally" and told how much he appreciates and loves me. I don't want actual temptation or to miss him and want to talk to him as much as I do. I just want us to be friends who once hooked up.
I need to remember that he had an option, and he made a choice. And I need to remember that I made a choice for specific reasons and that it would really suck to look like a fool if I played both sides right now and then have to choose once there's a ring involved.
I've been there before. I need to stop making the same mistakes. I need to think about what's best for my life and stop chasing around temporary highs.
I need moderation. In lots of areas...
My current goals:
1.) Lose 20 pounds a healthier way no matter how long it takes me.
2.) Get good grades this semester.
3.) Figure out how to handle my emotional issues.
4.) Develop a better relationship with the boyfriend and distance from Adam.
Number 4 depends on the other person, obviously. But I need to give the boyfriend the chance I'm telling him that I'm giving him. I need to distance myself from Adam and focus on what I have to work out with the boyfriend first. There is time. I have time in life to get things figured out. I just need to take it one day at a time and learn in all these areas how to resist temptation.
And if there comes a day when the boyfriend falls into old habits and patterns, then I will leave. And I will know that even if Adam does not come around, that someone else will. I learned many lessons this time around, but they will become mistakes if I don't handle them properly.