The past couple days have been rough. I'm so torn. There is no other word to describe it...
I want to lose weight, but I honestly do not know how to. I mean, I know how to... I know how to restrict to 500 calories a day, and I know how to eat in preparation for throwing up my binges, and I know what to say to look normal and how to fight off stabbing hunger pains.
I know how to starve. And I know how to binge and maintain a high weight. But I want to know how to be healthy and maintain a low weight. I'm sick of the two options I currently have.
But at the same time, this little thought in the back of my head keeps telling me, "Just lose it. Lose it however you want so that you can feel good about your body again, and then we'll figure out how to do it. Let's just lose it and then figure out things once we're thinner."
I think about J. Leady and the time she told me "I just need like two weeks of bulimia. Just two weeks, and I can go back to normal." I feel like that right now. Just a couple months of flirting with Ana, and then I can go back to a more normal eating pattern.
It's been a long time since Ana was around, and Mia is more emotional release than weight loss, if I'm honest with myself. But what else is there??
If I lose the weight quickly and drastically and weigh twenty pounds less in two months, then what do I do?? In the past, I would cycle... Then I would binge for a couple days/weeks with alternating days of binging and starving. I would gain about 7-10 pounds back and then maintain a while. Then slowly the number would creep up and I got less serious about starving and less serious about binging. Then I go through a period where I just mimic whatever others around me are eating and don't actually plan or think about anything. Then once I'm fat again, I crash and let Ana take over.
I need a life change. I need to break this cycle and not go crazy. I need to restrict, but not to 500, or my metabolism will die. I need to stop binging completely and stop getting satisfaction from purging.
So, today... There is the matter of today and how much I will eat and what... I think I have some kind of flu currently. Food makes me feel nauseated, and I threw up dinner last night, not on purpose for once. I had a salad earlier, but I couldn't finish it.
I'm going to chill out right now, and eat whatever, considering binging makes me feel physically ill. I guess we will figure this out soon enough...