Friday, August 7, 2015

Strange

I told Lolly about Mia. It was weird confessing so much about myself and my past self to someone currently..."I'm trying to be good." That's my usual line, but I've come to realize that it doesn't mean "I'm trying to make my behavior good," but more like, "I'm trying to mentally be ok and in a stable place where I behave myself accordingly and in ways that I am ok with."

Hanging out with Pauly was fucking weird. He's weird. And shallow. How can someone have so little substance to themselves? How can people be so thin and watery? Being in his presence and listening to his life story opened my eyes, in a way. People who are in a position like myself aren't always like me... In the serving industry, you find a lot of people who are doing this for so many different reasons. But, the one thing they normally have in common, is that they are directionless. The other night made me realize this: Some people are directionless because they crave too much. Some people are directionless because they crave nothing at all.

I am definitely the former: I want to be a model and an artist and a therapist and a rock star and a housewife and a blogger and a dancer and a singer and a writer and a professor and a doctor and so many things rolled into one. I want to do everything and know everything and go everywhere and taste and experience anything that is possible. I want to fight life and all the negative shit it throws at me to make sure for MYSELF that I am happy and fulfilled and get anything I ever dreamed of having.

But, not everyone is like me. Some people are content with working a little job in a little town and focusing on their little lives and don't crave anything different. They have no depth. They have no scars, and they don't have to fight life to be happy, or maybe they just don't want to. It makes them mediocre. The best friends I've ever had in my life and the most interesting people I've ever encountered were people who were damaged. And the worst ones I've ever met have never had anything truly devastating to deal with in their lives.

Lolly is a trainwreck, and I prefer her over Pauly 1,000 times... It was like two opposite ends of the spectrum, and it was a little off-putting. It makes me appreciate my boyfriend SO much when I spend time with other people. I think in my life, I have only truly felt comfortable with a very small number of people, and I am thankful that he is one and that I have him. Even my EX and the ex-hubby were not in this category, and I am grateful that I ended up where I ended up in life, even if it always seems to be a struggle.

I would rather fight and struggle through life and make a name for myself and feel proud and accomplished and happy. I know I could settle on a different boy with a different path and a different lifestyle, and I could focus on my body and not my mind, and I could "have" so many things in life. But, I want THIS. I want to be different and intoxicating and unforgettable. I want to take drugs and run my mouth and get into trouble and push the boundaries and make awful, terrible mistakes and then FIX them. I want to push people when I see them slacking and push myself hardest of all. I don't ever want complacent.

I am different. And all people are, but I am TRULY different. I have never fit in anywhere I ever went. I am always loved or hated, and no one is un-opinionated about me. I'm weird. I've had a weird life and a strange upbrining, but I am happy about that. It made me who I am, and it took me years to figure out what society is and what parts I wanted to reject or accept. It has taken me a long time to realize that I am completely ok with me... Those who love me will never forget me, and those who hate me always seem to envy me anyway.

But, bottom line of course, it's time for my outsides to match my insides...

Still, eternally, thinking thin.

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