Thursday, May 21, 2015

Not stable

I try to be stable, but I'm not.

I'm SO tired of being fat; I can see myself adopting Ana & Mia patterns again... I've lost about 5 pounds, and I just want to get rid of some of my body.

 I feel suffocated and ugly.

It's not easy feeling this way at the moment; I'm not balanced right now. I catch myself fighting the two extremes, and when I read about Bulimia in my DSM manual, I wonder if it will ever be possible for me to not be diagnosed as such... I have been for SO many years.

I guess we'll have to see how it plays out... But to be honest, losing the weight is more of a focus than how healthily I do it, at the moment.

I think my mind will always be dark. I think I will always be a little fucked-up in the head.

Sometimes, I get all gun-ho about "mental health" and "self-love," and I want to be better. Then other times, I don't think I CAN be better. I think this might just be who I am, and I think it's a little messed up... Are some people just a little messed up no matter what?

We're supposed to be the best kind of a person, as a therapist. That's what this career and major ARE. You're supposed to be more understanding, empathetic, stable, and healthier than the average person.  I'm supposed to have answers and guidance. I'm supposed to help someone else to be better. So, in theory, I have to be better myself.

But what if I CAN'T be more of those things than others? What if I can't be the "most" mentally healthy of my race?

Will I still be able to help? Because, trust me, I'm trying to get my shit together... But I don't know if I really can.

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