Sunday, November 29, 2009

One. Pound.

I'm up a pound.

Not too terrible if I could manage to get my ass back on track.

I am all over the fucking place lately... I need to steady myself, think positively, and get back in the gym.

It's hard because it's SO cold out, and I never feel like working out, and my ipod got washed and died. My mom is replacing it for Christmas, but that hasn't come yet, so I have no music!

I'm just so discouraged... I feel like I'm always going to be a fat cow, so what's the point???

I don't even want to re-live how much I binged Thursday and Friday... It was shameful.

I have been trying to stick to the game-plan but I'm not succeeding!

Ab workout when I get home tonight - I'm forcing myself... And NO MORE food today. I've had oatmeal, a grilled chicken salad, and random bites of things at work, so if I stop now, I had an "okay" day. Not ideal but not terrible...

I feel terrible though. I feel like a complete failure and like I'll never be where I want to be and like I'm struggling so hard to push toward something I can't accomplish because I can't focus hard enough.

I feel like a FAILURE.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Thanksgiving makes me UNthankful

The past 2 days have been tough. IMPOSSIBLE to avoid the holiday food.

I don't want to know if I've gained, so I'm not going to weigh in until a couple more days have passed of me doing well.

Haven't eaten anything yet today... Off to figure out something.

Hope you all had a better holiday than me!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Loss already

I'm down 3 pounds.

Amazing! I'm rejoicing because I'm back down to what I was at before I got sick. I am now, again, 5lbs away from GW#2.

I did SO well yesterday with the eating.

B: Oatmeal - 100
L: Nothing
D: Sushi with light soy sauce - 410

I saved my cals ALL day so I could have 2 tuna cucumber rolls for dinner. It was a wonderful, guilt-free, bread-free dinner out with the fiance.

Today is going to be good as well.

I've only had oatmeal so far.

Planning on:
2: Grilled chicken salad - 200
3: Fruit -100
4: Popcorn - 100

Perfect. I can do it... I've been doing SO well, and I'm not even going to think about food today.

My resolution will not falter.

Have a good day, ladies!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Fucking bread, bread, bread.

SO yesterday I actually didn't even eat the popcorn... I needed to be punished.

Today I need to be punished more...

B: Oatmeal - 100
L: Peaches and a couple bites of pasta - 155
D: Salad w/shrimp - 180
And fucking BREAD with EVO at dinner with Ray. God only knows how many cals...
Total: @700.

Fucking GREAT.

I contemplated mia, but mia'ing over 700 cals is stupid, plus my throat hurts like a bitch...

I shouldn't have gone out to dinner with Ray... But she's been mopey about the fact that I've barely been spending any time with her, so I needed to, but it was an ordeal... The whole time worrying about what she's going to think about how I eat, wanting to eat more, wishing I could, worrying about her wanting to share dessert, and that damn bread... I couldn't avoid eating it without looking like a weirdo. She was already wondering why I wasn't drinking... Um, possibly because I already ate too much to allow myself to DRINK anything.

I'll get there tho. NO more food tonight... Tomorrow I'll do better... I have until the 1st... I know I can do it.

Tomorrow's goal, on top of what is previously listed is to not eat ANY starches, ESPECIALLY bread!

Thinspo time... I wish I were lovely. ♥

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Faltered already

I ate some bread... Which throws off how good I was doing...

SO my day becomes:

1: Bran cereal - 110
2: Tofu and zucchini - 130
3: Bread - ???
4: Popcorn - 100

Total: 330 plus bread.

I can live with this.

NO MORE food until I go home and eat the popcorn. I don't care if I have to hole up in this office until 9:30 rolls around.

Sickness all around

SO, ladies, since my last post I fell DEATHLY ill.

I had the most serious case of the flu I've ever had. We're talking out of work for a WEEK, barely moving about, about to flippin' DIE case of the flu.

Bottom line: I gained.

It's hard to exercise when you can barely stand without fainting and shampooing your hair causes you to gasp for breath. And when you can't monitor your calories because your fiance is in charge of feeding you.

And I didn't even have much throwing up, except for one terrible morning when I was dry-heaving for hours... My head deep in the toilet bowl, all I thought was, "What a waste. I'm not even throwing up any food because it all digested overnight."

The gain was not too terrible, but it's put me back about 3 pounds more which means I have about 7 pounds to lose before I'm to GW#2.

SO, with renewed resolve and not much of an appetite because I still have a nasty head-cold, I'm on to a new plan (which will probably be re-written at a later date, but there you have it.)

By December 1st, I need to have lost at least 5 pounds.

I KNOW I can do it in 10 days.

My plan:
  • At least 30 minutes of work out every day. (starting off simple today, obviously, since I still can barely breathe.) And in a few days when I can breathe properly again, I'll up that.
  • NO more than 500 cals a day, to be broken up into 4 meals. (all 100 cals except meal 2 which can be 200 cals.)
I know I can do this! It's so simple if I just ignore my body.

I'm just so TIRED of being fat. I want to be thin, thin, thin. I don't even want to be normal, I want to be thin. I want to be considered THIN by the general population.

I want my perfect life I've been planning and waiting for.

And being thin is step one.

Step two, move back to my home-state, get a CAREER instead of a job, push the fiance to go back to school and get a better job, have MONEY and a nice HOUSE.

I just want the suburban dream. And since I can't achieve any of the other shit for a year because that's what life has dealt me, I'll focus on being thin.

Today's food:
1. Oatmeal - 130 microwave pack
2. Salad with either chicken or fish and vinegar instead of dressing - 170
3. Peaches - 100 cal can
4. Popcorn - 100 cal pack

Off to exercise and shower because I have to go to work tonight.

Thinspo with nice lighting. :-)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

5 pounds down

I have been losing. Barely eating. Not mia'ing until I did today... I over did it, corrected it, got back on track...

I'm 5lbs away from GW#2... It's within my reach if I just focus.

Yesterday was high, high, high, so today needs to be better, and tomorrow back to the extreme focus so I can drop the last 5 and re-evaluate.

The loss should make me extremely happy, and it does make me happy, but there's so much other shit going on in my life that I'm actually particularly UN-happy.

The other night was horrid, my loves.

I went to KB's birthday dinner, and had a MISERABLE time.

There's a lot of back story I'm not going to bother to get into, but suffice to say that as is going to dinner weren't bad enough, KB acted like a TOTAL bitch because she was on pills, James showed up all fucked up on pills even WORSE than KB, Ray was all pissy because no one made such a big fuss about her birthday (she was out of TOWN!) and Kat was worried about everyone thinking her shy boyfriend is a snob and barely spoke... PLUS I brought some friends who came to stay with me for a couple days, and they acted like they were miserable the whole time and were totally anti-social.

I went shopping, bought a hot new outfit, and looked slammin' (and thinner) for nothing.

I HATE when things go like that.

I suspected diner was going to be a total drama-fest, and I should not have gone. $200 down the fucking drain for nothing.

But I got a cute outfit out of it, I suppose.

In other news, I have a temporary kitten. She's a fluffy mess, and I wish I could keep her, but I can't handle the allergies or dog stress right now, so we're looking for someone to adopt her... Craigslist add if I don't find someone within the next 2 days... I'm trying to trick my dog into thinking she's not here anymore, and it's not easy.

But I need to go.

Off to work... I will post again soon, hopefully.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Oh, the irony

The day I posted my last post about my fiance not knowing about my ED, he kind of found my blog.

It's not search-able, I cleared the history, etc. and he promised not to look for it, but now I have to make a fake blog... I told him it was a wedding blog and that he couldn't look at it because a pic of my dress was on it.

SO he didn't.

And I think he's kind of forgotten, but fake blog, here I come!

It's SUCH a relief that the name of my blog does not really reflect its contents.

FUCK me, I was scared and had to act like nothing suspicious was going on... I guess I did a good job because he bought it.

I would DIE if he read this blog.

SO much of it would break his heart.

Buuuut, in other news, I went grocery shopping today and that always puts me in a good mood because I know I have lots of low cal options. :-)

I need to kick my ass in gear.

I'll blog later hopefully when I have some ALONE time.

Love you ladies!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The fiance and other topics

I need to get my head straight. I've been depressed and down and feeling like shit and using food to satisfy something it's never going to satisfy.

But today I'm back on track and I'm going to stay this way until the 10th and KB's b-day dinner.

The first of the month = a new start.

SO, today's intake:
B: Bran cereal - 110
L: Chicken & Veggies - 175
D: Apple & Veggies or Yogurt - 150

But anyway...

A few people last post were wondering if my fiance knew about my ED.

And the answer is NO.

He doesn't.

I mean, he does a bit. He knows that when I was younger I was bulimic. He suspects and questions occasionally. But he has no idea to what extent I have issues. He knows nothing if this blog, my mia, how much I restrict calories, any of it.

And I am so terrified for him to discover any of it... But sometimes I want to tell him. Sometimes I want to blurt our, scream at the top of my lungs, "I HAVE PROBLEMS!"

Because my ED is the only aspect of my life that I keep from him. It affects our relationship, how I feel about myself around him, and I can't share it with him because I know he would want me to stop. And I can't stop. And I know I would lose everything if I tried.

So there you have it.

Talk to you later, ladies.