Friday, August 12, 2016

Confused but losing weight

I slept with him... And it was fantastic. I feel like if I weren't headed in a completely different direction in life, I would probably like him. The scenario of how everything happened was cute. His roommate told me his side of it... Yeah, he's cute.

But god... I really do love my fiance... Today I feel a little guilty. Not insanely, because I understand how this has all transpired, but I need to stop. I need to stop having side-guys. This means I either need the fiance to fix things for REAL like permanently, or I need to be single. Right now I'm still trying to decide which one is a better scenario. I wish he would step up, but I don't know if he ever will, and I'm so out of patience it's disgusting. I'm tired of having the same talks about the same things over and over and I'm ever tired of saying THAT. This week it's back to old shit with him, and I don't want that.

In other news, the scale this morning was super fucking nice. I've lost a total of 10 pounds since I started trying to lose weight.

One day at a time, I suppose. What else can I do? I'm about to be so busy with my semester that I don't have opportunity to fuck around with MW. I'm about to be so busy that I can't do fucking anything. And I need my fiance. This is the ultimate last test of us... I just hope we pass it. And I hope my body does as well.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Fuck my life

MW didn't come to work tonight. I was annoyed. And then annoyed that it annoyed me. He texted me all night. 

He gives me the attention I so desperately want. 

"What are you doing? But what are you doing?"

Stil trying to get over things, I guess. But maybe that's just an excuse to do what I want. Right now I want to feel pretty and important for someone to spend time on and not taken for granted. And I'm tired of asking for those things. 

I want him. I want the one night he says I can have. I know the boost it'll give things... And I want to feel all of it. 

Adam will be a disappointment for eternity. So the solution is to severely and drastically lower current standards. But I don't want to just walk away. I still want to be his friend for some ridiculous God-forsaken reason. And I want to have a new boy toy and him to see it like I had to see he and Hannah. 

I want everything this would give me... Except the guilt. 

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Little gain; big-ass stress

The number on the scale today was higher than yesterday... I'm not sure exactly why, but like a pound and a half higher. I think it's probably because of my late night cereal last night, but I can't understand why that little bit would lead to suuuch a jump. I'm going to assume it's nothing and keep going.

I need to figure out a schedule that doesn't wreck my metabolism... I have a fear it's sensitive these days. I think I'm going to implement "normal" eating days weekly from now on, or attempt to have higher caloric days about once a week. I cannot afford to have a crash. I'll get right back up, and I can't have that!

5 days til the beach, and my weight is not where I wish it was... But I have not been purging, and that is a HUGE plus. I just need to keep going. I researched some stuff today, and I feel like I have a good grasp on what to do - just keep going!

I'm kind of excited to work with MW tonight... If nothing else, I know he'll be flirting with me and getting me all excitable and I can come home and take it out on the fiance. I guess we'll just see how it goes... I'm going to make sure I look hot as fuck before I go to work. Ha ha!

Think thin.

Body and boys (yet again)

The scale was SO nice to me today. When I think about it, my eating has been pretty damn good lately. So, maybe I deserved it. Today was ok... Kind of a big dinner but smaller breakfast and lunches than usual, so I'm hoping it balances out.

I didn't text MW tonight. But, I did toy with the idea for about two solid fucking hours. The fiance has been such an emotional mess the past few days, and I'm getting tired of some of his behvior lately. He got drunk and passed out tonight, and I had plenty of opportunity to text MW, but I made myself restrain. If I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure if the restraint comes from actually wanting to be good or knowing that a little distance will make him want me that much more tomorrow...

For now, I've decided I am not going to fuck him - told him this - but that enjoying the attention and fantasy is fun. I like texting him. He spends hours texting me back hanging on my every word and chit chatting and doing whatever I ask him to, and telling me how amazing I am. I actually really do want to fuck him... I've seen the goods, and they look fantastic; and I think from all our conversations that he would be fun. But, I'm trying to be good. I'm trying to be a grownup. I told him some ground rules for working together, and he told me, "I don't know if I can keep my hands off you the next time I see you." I kind of feel the same way... I am saying and doing things mostly the right way, but inside I wish he would grab my by my pussy, drag me into the bathroom at work and fuck me senseless...

They say you get something from "affairs" or what have you that you're not getting from your actual relationship. I know that what I get from side boys is feeling appreciated and doted on. The fiance has never been very good at that. Today in fact, I texted him and said I loved him and he responded with a question as to when my beach trip was. I know he loves me and appreciates me, but he does not show it enough. And frankly, I get tired of complaining about the same things.

But I want him. I love him, and he loves me. I just wish he were better at it.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Low scale and mood

The scale this morning was fantasticccc. I decided to have a cheat day today and then fast tomorrow. I didn't go crazy - light brunch with drinks, meat and veg for lunch, and a couple sweets. Tomorrow I'm not going to weigh in, going to fast, and Tuesday I should be right on track again.

Last night was crazy... I made out with MW... He's been wanting to sleep with me for a year, but he slept with Lolly, and I'm not that kind of friend. Also, I am sticking to being faithful to the fiance and not fucking other dudes anymore... I'm getting better at not being such a fucking attention whore, and I want it to stay that way.

But, he came out with us to drink last night (liquid dinner!) and then to Lolly's to smoke. I was high and drunk, and he was hitting on me. We were texting back and forth sitting outside with everyone. and he was asking me for pics and such. I went in to get another beer, and he followed me into the kitchen when everyone else was outside and grabbed my ass and started kissing me.

Honestly, it was nice. It's weird with him, because I know he would fall in love with me in an instant if I would let him in, but he also knows I'm not going to do that. We have had SUCH honest conversations about things, it's strange. He's genuine which is HUGELY different from Adam and a lot of the other fuckboys. He thinks I'm beautiful and special for some reason... He was telling me how fantastic my body is last night. It was nice to hear because I knew it wasn't bullshit. He actually thinks that.  He's just not for me... I want to marry the fiance, and MW knows and doesn't want to interfere in my being happy.

As far as make outs go, it was tame. Middle-school status, to be honest. We started to get a little heavy at one moment - he picked me up and sat me on the kitchen counter and started kissing me - but then someone came in the front door, and I hopped down and we pretended to be talking. The whole thing was ridiculous. Lolly got a little upset, and I could tell, so I called her after I left. She basically told me I had permission to do whatever I want with him, but I could tell her attitude when she came in the kitchen that she was a little annoyed. I honestly think it was more about her wanting my attention than his though. She wanted me to come hang out with her, and I spent like half an hour in the kitchen flirting and mildly making out...

It's just not something I'm going to do though. He texted me late asking if I was still up. I texted him tonight just to chat. It's mild and safe but helping me get over Adam, which I need for some reason. I think last night was honestly more about him than getting MW attention... I wanted to talk to Adam. He came up to me at work and rubbed my shoulders. JP told me (we gossip about Adam because they are bros and JP also has a huge crush on me) that he and his little girl are having issues, as I predicted. I wanted to just chat about how things transpired between us. He didn't show up, as usual. JP didn't show up so I could vent to the appropriate person. And then there was MW, just sitting there cracking jokes and smiling and paying me attention that I desperately needed because I was feeling reckless as fuck and grossly needy.

I don't know what's wrong with me or why I get like this - needing male attention and to hear that I'm sexy or pretty or desirable. I feel so fucking ugly and disgusting and WORTHLESS. I don't get why guys always tell me I'm "too good" or that they would "never make the same mistakes as Adam" and how they would "kill for a chance" etc. I get my confidence from boys. And boys wanting me. And boys pursuing me. And even though I have the fiance at home who gives me that, it's not enough for me. For some reason, it has to be more than just that. I need fall-backs and side-guys and fuck-boys. I need someone at home who is a REAL relationship and a REAL person, and then I need boosts. I need boys who I know are beneath me to tell me how amazing I am. But I need to have lines I don't cross. I need to have boundaries. I need to get my confidence from other fucking places.

Because I'm tired of guilt. I'm tired of knowing he's being faithful and I'm not.

So, today I feel conflicted. Because I'm proud of myself for not fucking MW (I could have). And, I'm glad to have kissed a little and gotten my confidence up... But I know I should have taken my feelings about Adam and not gotten neurotic and gone home. I should have not been an attention whore. Being good at it or careful or whatever is just not ok with me anymore.

I'm not ok with how I act or the ways I cope with my feelings. I need to get my body in shape and my head on straight and stop doing things that could ruin my real life. I need to grow up.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Great scale news

The scale showed me the most lovely number this morning... One I haven't seen in a long time. One I've been wanting SO badly for far too long... I've lost 8 pounds since I started trying again.

Next GW is 8 pounds away...When I get to that number, it will be my "single weight." It will be the weight I was at when I felt comfortable enough to just get naked and sleep with dudes. I'm using the word "comfortable" loosely here...

Then I will be 8 pounds away from my UGW of 129 pounds. My body gallery looks good at that weight. I cruise around it a lot... All I want is bikini nice. I can get there. I just have to keep motivated and focused and not get comfortable.

In 10 days my mom and I are going to the beach for a little vacation. Only about 4 days. I know the eating is going to be difficult with her... I'd love to have lost at least 5 more pounds by then. I feel like that's doable and a good number for damage control when I get back. Then I'd love to weigh my second goal weight of 137 by the end of the month.

16 more pounds seems like a lot to lose, but I want it. I don't think it's unreasonable like when I went from 165 to 114. I lost FIFTY fucking pounds before... I only want half that...

Today's planned eats:
B: FF cottage cheese and pineapple - 100 cals
L: salad perhaps... 200 cals
S: apple and coffee - 50 cals
D: chicken and and veg - 150 cals

Thinking thin.

Easy scale and hard Adam situations

The scale has been more than forgiving the past two days. It has dropped a little even with my shitty late night eating. I'll attribute it to the fact that I so good all day before I fuck it up late night when everyone's asleep. That's been the pattern the past few days... 

I've reallyyyy got to stop smoking. When I smoke, I suddenly convince myself somehow that my calories aren't that much, that I won't eat that much of whatever I give in to, or that I'll "eventually" get the weight off. I get complacent and eat too much. Then I wake up in the morning with a head devoid of smoke and hate myself. 

I did better today. 

B: chicken and squash - 150cals
L: apple and coffee and bites at work - 150cals 
D: melatonin - 0cals. 
Total: 300cals = amazing 

Tomorrow I should see a very good number. I need to make sure I get in a workout also. 

Tonight at work was annoying... I hate Adam. I hate working with him. I hate knowing him well enough to see moments when he thinks that I'm pretty. I hate knowing what he's thinking and what he's not saying. I hate how I like his scent and still breathe it in when he's near. I hate how much he wants me to forgive him and how I actually want to. I hate how fucking immature and truly stupid he is. I hate what he did to what we had. He fucked it ALL up and made me feel like shit and I HATE when we have moments when it's clear to other people that we had something. He's too familiar. We still work somehow no matter how broken it actually is. I hate it. 

I'm off to dream of other realities. Melatonin working its magic... Think thin.