Sunday, October 24, 2010

No blowing today.

I didn't get in my workout yesterday.

My fucking gym was closed. CLOSED! I was so pissed off. Apparently the card reader was not working so for security purposes no one could enter until it was fixed.

SO I went to work and had a SHITTY night. I fucking HATE my job and am sooo ready to leave in a month. There is so much drama.

Then I got home and blew it. I was emotional and blew it.

I'm not trying to justify my blowing it. I'm just a fatty mc-fatterson, and I DEFINITELY BLEW it.

Not today though. I will not blow it today.

I'm trying not to get discouraged, because that is exactly what happens.

If I fuck up one day and then get right back on track, I'm fine.

If I fuck up TWO days, I get totally discouraged and I think, "What's the point??? I can't regain control and I'm going to be fat anyway, I might as well eat."

And then I eat and eat and eat.

I have no normal eating patterns anymore in life. I either eat like an ana girl or I binge. There is no longer ANY middle ground.

Kind of scary, if you're thinking from a normal person's perspective.

But all I can think is life can be perfect soon. I just need to eliminate binge girl.

I'm tipping the scales toward ana.

I think one of my biggest issues when I binge is that it's late at night... I go through the ENTIRE day doing well, and then lo and behold, I lose control and I binge.

Last night I began my binge at MIDNIGHT. Disgusting.

I remember back when I used to have control over things in life, I used to stop eating every night at 10pm. I get up later in the day, so this is not an unrealistic time of day.

Starting today, I'm putting that back into effect.

No food after 10pm.

No more binging at night, getting a crazy burst of energy and binging more.

From now on, if it's not consumed by 10pm, I don't get to eat it.

Period.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Looooose it.

The goal:

TO lose the rest of this pesky weight by Thursday the 28th.

How I plan to do so:

500 calories max per day (goal = 400 calories).
At least 30 minutes of exercise or 300 calories burned, whichever I prefer.

Yesterday was kind of bad food-wise, around 1,000 calories for the day.

I know for some people that's good, but I consider that failure.

Today's eats:
Carrots and Dip - 50 cals
Tuna Salad - 120 cals
Apple - 60 cals
Sugarfree Redbull - 10 cals
Popcorn - 100 cals
Total: 340 cals.

Headed to the gym nooow!

Think thin, ladies!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Anxiety

I'm avoiding the scale for a few more days... Not because I've been doing badly, but because I want to see an actual significant loss when I step on it. My intake has been spiffy, except for Tuesday of course. Today I also plan on an amazingly low day.

I basically had a panic attack last night... An anxiety attack for sure. I was laying on the couch and suddenly felt like absolute shit. I was SO worried about EVERYTHING, I couldn't handle it. My head was throbbing, I could barely breathe, my ears were ringing... I had to go under the covers in the bedroom and hide away until I could calm down enough to fall alseep. I couldn't even vocalize my issues to the hubby.

There's just a LOT I've been needing to do lately that's not getting done. We're moving soon, money, travel plans, etc!

I basically have been putting things to the back of my mind that I NEED to get done because I simply do not have the mental energy to handle more than the things I have to handle in the moment.

My thank you letters from my WEDDING, 3 MONTHS AGO... Yeah, there's still a few for our bridal party hanging around.

I haven't spoken to my best friend in weeks.

I need to get my ass in gear. And the hubby is wonderful, but our wedded bliss is becoming a bit of a distraction, basically all I do when he's around is cuddle... I need day off without him to get everything accomplished.

Argh... Soon enough, I guess. I just have to focus.

On life and my body.

And stay motivated with both.

Think thin, ladies.



Oh, and PS Victoria Crimson your layout is preventing me from leaving you comments... I don't know if it's just me, but I have not been able to, and I deduce from your lack of comments on your blog posts as of late that it's not just me. I want to leave some looove!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Mia is not scared

Breakfast: Coffee with Splenda, Fiber Pills, and Allergy pill.
Lunch: Salad
Dinner: 100 cals if actual food OR a beer. Allergy pill.

I'm on the right track. Yesterday was a bit of a set-back because I was with the hubby all day, so I couldn't hide how little I was eating.

I mia'd as much as possible... Even in the public restroom at the restaurant when someone may or may not have been in the stall next to me.

I was drunk and did not care if someone heard me purging. Being thin mattered more in that moment.

I scurried out, plastered a smile on my face, calmed myself, and went back to dinner.

No time to post lately... I'll try to more though, hopefully tonight.

Think thin, ladies.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Time to get skinny.

It's time.

Breakfast: A workout, fiber pills, an allergy pill, and coffee with Splenda.
Lunch: A salad with spritzer dressing and a diet pill.
Dinner: A shot of liquor and a sleep-aid.



I read an article in Marie Claire yesterday about diet myths. Exerpt:
"Myth #5 OLD RULE: RETURN TO PROHIBITION

Why you should break it: Alcohol is calorie-packed, but a study from the Archives of Internal Medicine found that women who drank moderately gained less weight than women who never drank. Alcohol slows digestive enzymes and inhibits the breakdown of nutrients, so your body doesn't absorb as much food as it would otherwise, says Dr. Lu Wang, instructor in medicine at Harvard Medical School and the study's lead author.
New rule: Like alcohol? Have either two 5-ounce glasses of red or white wine, two bottles of beer, or 3 ounces of hard liquor daily, Wang says. "Alcohol can help you maintain a normal weight. Cheers!"



Thus, I will be having alcohol for dinner (Either a shot or 2 light beers... Either one have about 195 cals.) when I get home for work, as long as the fiance doesn't start freaking out about it... Then a sleep aid to knock me out before I can start drunk-eating.

Is this slippery slope?

Hope not, because it's where I'm going.

I need to feel it again...

I need to feel the rush. The light-headed, frail, weak, but strong internally feeling. The feeling I had last year, when I had social activities. The feeling of not eating all day so I could go out with my then boyfriend/fiance and eat a small meal and a glass of wine and feel fabulous.

The feeling where I'm running on adrenaline and caffeine.

The feeling of a shrunken stomach and a strong will.

The feeling of a stomach full of only water.

The feeling of satisfaction knowing I had the equivalent of one meal all day and worked it off in the gym before it was consumed.

The feeling of loose clothes and tight muscles.

I want to be a wisp. A faerie. A puff of air. Slender. Thin.

I can do it again.

I need to prove to myself that I'm not so fucking weak-willed.

Today's goals will be met.

Tomorrow's set.

And everything achieved so I can like myself again.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Pffft.

STOP fucking UP, CALLIE.

Jesus.

I am so over myself.

And everything I do to me.

Fuuuuuck meeeee.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Mantra

I am in control of my day.

I am in control of my destiny.

Of my diet.

My decisions.

My dilemmas.

My deficiencies.

My deliberations.

My duties.


I am in control.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Personas

I am caught between two worlds, two desires.

I am a rebel. Artistic, and free, I smoke and swear like a sailor laugh and tell amazing jokes. I inspire. I create. I am dressed in the brightest colors, with the tallest shoes and my blonde hair flowing behind me, a smile vibrantly shining from my face, laughing much too loudly, but those around enjoy it. I am a creature of the night. My knowledge of food and drink is like that of the gods. I perform like a monkey for your coin, but I don't seem to mind. In fact, I enjoy performing because I know I am good at it. I collect things, I am eccentric. I have ideas that should work, but I never act on them. I have had my heart broken, but I turned it to stone. Everyone wants to bed me.

But then, I am sweet and innocent. My blue eyes are much too honest. I wear khakis and cardigans so soft those around want to touch me. I smell of citrus and sunshine. I am reserved and gentle. People tell me their problems because they know I will have the answers. They all confide in me. I know how to fix things, how to cook things, how to think about things in the right way as to not get yourself down and depressed. I am a mother, a nurturer. I am analytical, a scientist who knows a lot about trees and flowers and songbirds for some reason. I am wise beyond my years, and impress those around me with my wit and smarts. Everyone wants to marry me.

I am on a quest to find myself. Merging my personas.

The only thing is that they both want to be successful, beautiful, and thin.