Sunday, April 16, 2017

Ditties in my mind

"A binge, and a purge, and all's right with the world."

The ditty still rings loud and clear in my head when I need it. Sharp and looming, like an old carousel song. In some ways comforting, but also a haunting sound as it echoes repeatedly in the dark.

This weekend was terrible for me, but it was nothing I could even share with those around me. All they saw was me being moody and angry, but it's better than the reactions of the alternative of telling them.

I am miserable.

With my body, as usual... I used to just hate myself because I looked fat, but now, I hate myself because I look fat and old. White hairs are springing up on my scalp, my completion looks like wrinkled paper, and cellulite is breeding on my thighs. My arms look flabby, and my stomach and things jiggle more than they ever have. I need to start working out mercilessly, but instead I just eat and eat and eat until I make myself want to vomit. I punish myself for how I already look...

"Oh, you want to be lazy and disgusting, then let's really do it!"

Sometime I manage not to see what I look like and just enjoy myself, and other times it consumes me with how poorly I look. I was doing well being vegan, but suddenly, the "I'll be good tomorrow" mentality came up, and I can't make it LEAVE.

I've spent literally years of my life putting off making myself look better, and I wasted my youthful years being fat. Now I'm old and just trying to look pretty, without the physical ability to do it as easily.

I'm old. I'm thirty. And I gave up the fuck boy opportunities this week, and I'm proud of myself for that, but I also fear that their presence is what keeps my confidence to maintainable levels.  I didn't hear from Adam for 2 months, and suddenly, he texts me apologizing for things that happened a very long time ago, and asking me out on a date.

"They always come back."

I was right. With him, at least... I'm always right on this with the ones that matter emotionally... It was nice to hear and very tempting, but I know what it would have done to me mentally in regards to CS.

I said no. Because I have to choose what life I want, and I choose him.

Even though this weekend wasn't easy to do that. I wanted to DRINK. I wanted to self-destruct and use bad coping, and get so fucking wasted that I forgot how ugly I felt. I wanted to go be around drunk older men who would make me feel young and pretty again. I wanted the relativity. I wanted a different perspective.

I was frustrated and frustrated with CS for not seeming frustrated. I wanted to talk about it, but couldn't. Because this is his vice, and not mine. But it sucks, because I fucking miss it, but if I tell him that, it will devastate him. He doesn't want me to give up a lifstyle I want, but that's what living with him entails. I have to give up the things that are bad for me and do actual work...

And as much as I've done that, I'm not done. I clearly still need to improve, and that realization fucking SUCKS, but there it is, hidden in my blog, as usual... It always sums up for me eventually, and this one annoys me.

It's a journey, and I need to start remembering that.

Tomorrow's step of the journey is to get the eating back in order, and then just give it a little time. And then no more waiting for tomorrow with my physical body. It's time to focus on that a while and let the mental do it's work on auto-pilot.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Self-loathing, as usual

I feel lonely today... Very lonely... But at the same time, the thought of people gives me anxiety.

I ran away from work as soon as I could today, went off to buy myself too many birthday presents and spent too much money. I ate shitty food I shouldn't be eating.

I feel depressed, overwhelmed, and tired. I feel exhausted by life.

I've had anxiety for days, and I don't know how to shake it. I feel like everything I do is wrong, I'm ugly and stupid, and I don't know how to make decisions or take care of anything. I feel overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to do, and I can't find the motivation to do any of them. I feel frazzled, and I miss CS, and I want him back, but I don't know how to reformat my life to have him, or if I even should... I need the world to stop spinning for a moment and let me get off. I need to throw up. I need to cry. I need to laugh. I need to do drugs and drink...

I want people to like me, but I don't care if they really do...  I want to do well in school, but lately I don't care if I even do... I need to do things and get myself settled and straightened out, but I have no focus.

I miss him.

I don't want all these stupid ass fuckboys I've been hanging out with - fucking Adam again, making out with Brandon, and getting so caught up in their dumb shit that I miss deadlines...

I just want him. I want to have the life with him that we had planned. And I want the next chapter in my life to be here already. I want the settled down me. I want to be a grownup.

But since that's not happening quickly enough, I find myself being a complete fucking child. Partying and being a moron and making stupid fucking choices...

I hate myself.

When all other things change, that one fact remains the same. I hate myself.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Beer for Dinner

The battery on my scale was dead for about a week. I finally replaced it this morning, and I was scared of what the number would be... For some reason I had convinced myself that I would weigh about ten pounds more than I actually did. The number wasn't terrible - I just wish I had eaten light yesterday instead of "normal" so that it would have been even lower today.

I ate minimal today - some green beans, turkey, cheese stick, and a couple bites of sweet potato and fat free pudding. I decided to call it a night with a big beer and a cigarette. I told myself no food and came home hungry to the smell of my roommate cooking chicken. FML... I closed myself in my room and lit a candle. I'm going to wait til the beer kicks in and she's done in the kitchen to go have my ciggy. I'm going to dash to the porch to smoke once the smell has dissipated.

I think of my roommate as antisocial, but I think it's actually me that's also antisocial... I think we're more alike in that category than I initially thought. I have moments when I wish she was more social, but most of the time I'm ok with her being tucked away in her bedroom because I stay tucked away in mine. The rest of my life forces me to be SO social, I just can't do it at home.

I "broke up" with Jay the other night... It was weird. I texted him basically saying that I had hoped we could be friends, but that's clearly not happening, and I regret it. I said I was sad about it. He texted me back some pathetic "I'm basically useless at the moment... have a lot going on" bullshit. I replied "You don't owe me any kind of an explanation. It is what it is. Good luck with whatever you have going on, and I'm always here for you if you need anything." It all sounded very final, and that's how I feel about it. I think in the past, my instinct with anyone would be to pry and try to get them to open up and take on all their problems and not make them carry their half of a friendship, but I'm truly over doing that in life... If you can't carry your half of a friendship enough to just fucking TELL me when you have something going on, then it's not really a friendship. And if you don't show me courtesy, then why should I check in with you anyway??

Plus, I think we're simply too different... I am fire and he is ice. I burn bright and hot and feel my emotions in a raw place and melt hearts and spread to others... He is cold and quiet and bitter. He is solitary and distant and frozen inside and refuses to warm up to anyone... Fire and ice cannot be together. They cannot even be friends.

Mentioning friends, I thought about Gerard a lot last night... I'm not sure why... I composed a text that I never sent about 50 times and looked up his facebook. He seems to be the same old person. A part of me misses him - a big part. I would have sent the text if it weren't for the ex and knowing that if he ever found out it would devastate him. I decided a long time ago that I can't have both of them in my life at the same time, and I made my choice. It just still hurts to miss people sometimes, and I wish it wasn't like that.

I wish I could feel my emotions and speak my mind and have people without having drama and issues. I wish the world were a different place...

Monday, December 12, 2016

Mia has been around a lot this week

Sometimes I try to eat normally... I tell myself "Just a normal meal, and I don't have to purge it."

Then, as soon as my plate is clean and my food is ingested, her voice comes in. "You realize there is no other way. The result had to be this all along."

I create a problem to which there is only one solution. Digestion is not a permissible course of action. I purge because there is no other option.

My emotions are a fucking wreck this week, and I don't know yet quite what is bothering me. I feel sad, depressed, anxious, and lonely.

I want a boyfriend. I don't like being single... I've been getting plenty of attention from my ex, and I do love him, but the whole scenario sucks, and my mind wanders down a thousand different paths when I give it a moment's worth of attention. The past, present, and future all collide in my brain, shattering my thoughts and sending shrapnel to the various corners of my lobes.

And then, there is Jay. Whom I have given up on... I think I need to realize it was a nice evening and a nice thought, but he is too messed up. He doesn't know how to be a friend to someone else, and I don't feel like teaching him.

I don't know if I really know, anyway...  I sit at home browsing thinspo and binging and purging and watching fucked up movies. 

I need to do what I did with the other fuckboys and delete his number, but I haven't taken that step yet... I know it's on the horizon, but I can't bring myself to pull the trigger yet.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

No food day

The past two days, I've been emotional and trying to figure myself out... I didn't eat food today...

B: Diet pill
L: Detox tea and Diet Coke
D: Glass of wine

I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat anything every again... I want to shrink up to nothing and blow away in a strong wind. I want to lose 20 pounds and feel good about myself again. Sitting in class last night and watching the presentation on ED's made me miss my old body. I miss feeling thin. I miss feeling my bones... I miss looking really cute in whatever clothes I wanted to wear. I miss how it all was, and I want it back. I need it back... And I'm going to get it back.

I invited the ex over last night to spend the night with me. I missed him. I needed physical affection. I needed someone who knows me and understands me and loves me regardless. I haven't talked to Jay in a couple days, and I think it's better that way. He is not for me. I know it, but it still sucks. I needed space from him, and I still do at the moment. I texted him a generic statement, solely for the purpose of keeping the lines of communication open, but I really don't actually want to talk to him.

I want to isolate and not eat and starve myself until I feel better and my life figures itself out.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Lately

The past few times I've had alcohol, I've gotten super depressed. I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself to plan my future, and I can't. I feel like I have to pick between Jay and the ex and my feelings for each of them, but right now I don't think I actually have to do that. I have time, and I need to start utilizing it.

I went out with Jay last night for drinks. He's a good person. And for some reason I feel incredibly comfortable with him. I'm not sure if it's him, or just me getting to a point where I don't care what others think... I'm starting to think being happy with myself is what matters most. I don't hesitate to speak my mind in almost any situation anymore in life. And for some reason, others gravitate toward me because it it.

Jay makes me laugh, he listens to my stories, and he shares with me. He lets me in, and I don't think that's normal for him. We have a connection and an understanding that I think means something. I think he cares about me. And I think a lot of people have given up on him because he doesn't make it easy to be his friend. He keeps people out, but I don't think it's on purpose. I think he's genuinely misunderstood. His behaviors make it seem like he doesn't like a person, but I think in reality he doesn't know how to relate to other human beings properly. He comes across as being offensive in some ways or disappointing, but it's not what his intention is. I feel like I can do or say anything around him, and he accepts me. It's so rare to have in life, that I don't want to let go of it.

But I hate that I like him. I fight it. And it's not the first time I've had to keep myself in the friend zone when I so desperately didn't want to be there with someone - he's just another Ryan. I know how to do it; I just wish I didn't have to right now. It's probably for the best because I am very confused about how to handle my future, and I know it would complicate everything even more, but moments like last night are difficult... When he touches my hand, and I notice the small freckle on the right side of his nose and his small patch of chest hair inside his shirt... When I hug him goodnight and kiss his cheek and he lingers well after all the lights come on without hurrying off into the night. Those are the moments I have to tell my heart to be still. And for some reason I'm choking up writing this. Maybe I don't like the friend zone as much as I'm just going to accept it... 

I think I need to focus on myself more. When Kate told me that the other day, I didn't know how to react or what she was even really saying to me... How do I focus on myself more? The fact that I couldn't even answer this question for myself was pretty eye-opening.

Today I felt lost. Like I didn't know which way to go or what to do with myself. I don't know whether to laugh or cry all day, I have no energy, and I'm completely lacking motivation. It might be because of the drugs I did last night, but I think it's also just me... I'm a little depressed.

I was reading back over some old blog entries today, and I miss my Ana days... I think it's time for a refresher. I didn't eat at work yesterday - just had uppers and caffeine and then beer for dinner with a little blow... I really desperately want to be thin again. I miss it. I miss the feeling of knowing that no matter what else is going on, as least I look good.

Sometimes, I wish I could just ditch the work of anything and everything and party. Part of me wants to be a reckless, drug-abusing, alcoholic slut, and part of me wants to be a virginal, well-educated pious little perfectionist. I try to be somwhere in the middle, but it's not easy. Last night when I was drifting off to sleep, I found myself feeling guilty about doing drugs and drinking on the weekends and then going off to work at a rehab facility during the week. I wonder what my friends think about it... I wonder what is actually healthy... I don't have a problem with drugs or drinking - I utilize them so infrequently now that it's almost funny to think about how much I USED to.

In reality, I think that's what each of the boys I care for represent... If I end up with Jay, there will be drugs and drinking and fasting with ease. If I end up with C, then I have to stay sober and careful and be a real adult... I think I'm still undecided as to what I want to do with my life. Being a therapist is only one element of my life. It doesn't mean I have to be a different person to be effective.

I loved last night that I had the epiphany with Jay about why I love it so much... I told him it's because the people who come to me want to change and grow and fix things. So many people do not want that in the world. So many people want to stay where they are and not make the effort. But my clients want better.

I also want better... I just don't know what better is for ME. I don't want some ideal of better. I want real better. I want messy but happy. I want true and deep emotions for real things and people. And to look at myself in the mirror and like all of what I see, on the outside and deep in my eyes.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Oh, Jay

Jay and I had a two week period where we barely spoke... I got upset and then did the girl thing where I told him I was upset and then refused to talk about it. He chased me.

Last night I went out with coworkers for a couple drinks. He followed me over and we ended up talking things through. I know he's messy, but I like him. I think he's smart and funny and nerdy and cute. I think he is interesting, and if I had my way, we'd spend more time together. He asked me about Wednesday, and I hope we end up doing something together...

I hoped last night he would kiss me. I wanted one. Badly. But it's too fragile right now, and I know that, so I let it go. I hope he was thinking about it also... I wish I would have cheek pecked him, but we started getting giggly and goofy right before I said goodnight to him.

I spent Thanksgiving away from the ex, drinking and being emotional but keeping myself under control. I hope I didn't make a fool out of myself, because I felt like maybe I was. I constantly feel that way lately...

Most days I don't know how to feel or what to feel, so I just wait. I don't make decisions, and I don't do things I don't want to do. I wanted to see the ex and the kids on Friday, so I took them all to lunch, but it wasn't what I wanted. It stresses me out to be with all of them. I end up throwing money at the situation and then running. I get uncomfortable. It's always stress with them. It's so dysfunctional in so many various respects that I feel myself wanting to run.

Last night he was texting me about other boys and being paranoid that they would get to touch me or what have you, and I ignored him. I was getting annoyed, and Ee told me, "Just don't respond then."  So, I didn't. And I didn't feel guilty. I felt free. And I enjoyed myself without checking my phone and without worrying about someone else for a single night. He wanted to come over tonight, and I said no. He asked me about Ee's birthday, and I said I wasn't going, but I didn't give him some big long reassuring story, and I told him from now on, I'm going to ignore the crazy texts.

I think that is part of the appeal of Jay... It's going slow, but it's genuine, and he doesn't seem to want to change who I am. He seems to like who I am, and every time I spend time with him, I feel genuinely bonded to him in a way that makes me scared to lose him. Sometimes I think the ex wants to change me as much as I want him to change his dysfunctional things. I want him to make healthy changes and he wants me to become something I'm not ever going to be... I think the physical violence came from somewhere that's not better, and I wonder it if ever will be. I don't think we truly love what the other person is. I think I've changed too much for the better and he hasn't changed enough. We fell in love with ideals that doen't exist. As for the future, who knows what people we will be... But right now it's not working. And I think it's more than just the drinking. I think he doesn't trust me and wants me to dress and act and talk a certain way that I'm not. I want to be faithful because I'm happy and not out of obligation or feeling like I should behave a certain way.

With Jay, I am honest, and he takes it. He's honest with me, and I can tell. He opens up to me... He tells me private things, and I find myself telling him private things in return. And before I can feel weird about it or like it makes me a worse person, he says something to make it feel ok. He told me last night I'm different from all of our coworkers. "All of them" he said and motioned into the building. He told me, "You're amazing."

I have such a nice time spending time with him. We nerd over science and our favorite TV shows and just talk about random shit, and it feels effortless. It feels like it did with Bogart, except with Bogart I wasn't attracted to him. That has been the case with all the fuck boys - I'm either attracted and it's hard af to have the relationship, or it's effortless, but I'm not attracted. With Jay it feels like both. I'm crazy attracted... I'm practically slapping myself in the face for not trying to kiss him last night. And I re-live that night in my car a LOT lately... And it's effortless. And he's told me when it's not to get mad at him and call him out. Who does that??

But still I don't know how to feel... Maybe I just never do...