Thursday, June 29, 2017

Dreams and nightmares

Last night the weirdest thing happened... I wet the bed. I'm a grown-ass woman, and I wet the bed so much I had to wake up the boy and tell him to get out of bed and let me change the sheet and had to clean the mattress underneath. I was having a dream that I was in a hurricane, running around and saving my brother from rocks flying through his window. And suddenly, I was on the toilet making everyone leave the room so I could go pee. Then I woke up and rushed to the bathroom half asleep still and fumbling around in the dark horrified. I was so scared to wake up the boy and tell him he had to get out of bed and why... I was fucking embarrassed. I'm a fucking adult, and I wasn't drunk. But he's always so gracious with me. He didn't harass me or make me feel like the weirdo I felt like. He never hurts my feelings when I'm struggling.

Coming off my birth control is difficult right now. I can feel my body adjusting to over a decade of hormones leaving my system. My skin feels like it's constantly on the verge of breaking out, and I wonder if the bed wetting had something to do with it also...  My dreams have been so weird and vivid lately, and I find I feel like I need more sleep than usual. I also finally weened myself off caffeine, and that has been a struggle, especially at work when I would normally have a pick-me-up...

I was worried the caffeine would affect my weight loss, but this morning the scale was kind again. The number says I've lost ten pounds since I started trying again. It's been a long time, but ten pounds less feels fantastic, and I feel motivated to keep it upppp. The number I saw today I haven't seen in a very long time.

Ok, off to work out... I know this one will be a struggle today, but it's necessaryyy!

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Temptation grows when you feed it

To the 5 or 6 of you that still read these posts, thanks for checking in. Seeing even just a couple of reads on my late night ramblings, head dump, or raw emotions makes me feel a little less alone in the universe.

I've lost weight. I've been trying very hard to get my body thinner before I get pregnant, and that's the next focus on the life agenda. Pregnancy horrifies me. Scares the fucking shit out of me. But, I want a daughter. More than anything, I've always dreamed of having one, and I'm getting too old to wait any longer. I have my Master's degree. I have a stable relationship with a man who cleaned up his act and wants to be a good dad. I have the ability to take care of a child. I feel like it's finally time, but Ana and Mia are inside quivering and telling me to do something else with my entire life. But the plan is to get skinny and maintain healthy-ish and get pregnant. Right now, I need to get thin. Right now my shape is just too round to live. 

My main issue right now is exercise. I was doing ok with working out until I got this cold, and now it's been a MONTH trying to shake it. I don't know how to get started again... I got my eating back under control, but exercise is harder for me to get into. I've always HATED it. Hated gyms and sweating and how my body jiggles when I move. The only thing I've ever loved that was active were dance and hiking, and I feel too old for formal dance and it's too disgustingly hot to hike right now. I don't know; I just need to figure something out...

I need routine.

Yesterday I did well. When I left work, I was starving. I wanted to binge. I wanted to hit up every drive thru or take home a pasta from work or get gas station food. I wanted to smoke weed and eat a literal ton and maybe purge and maybe not. But, I can't smoke right now because of applying for jobs, and I can't drink because I made a life decision not to. It hit me that food is my third drug of choice, and I couldn't let myself do it. I needed to stay hungry for the hour drive home and immediately eat an Ana-approved meal and then just not think about it any more. So I did. I got in my car and went straight home and made myself food and ate and then put on a movie and passed out. When I woke up from my nap, I didn't feel fat and disgusting and guilty and full of self-hatred. I felt rested. I felt like I had accomplished something. And this morning, the scale read a lovely number I haven't seen in a while. I want that again tomorrow and the day after and the day after, and I want to get 14 more pounds off before I get pregnant and then only have a belly pregnancy. I can do it if I stay focused.

So, here's the plan...

Daily goals:

  • Apply for one job per day.
  • Take vitamins daily.
  • No caffeine.
  • 2 workout videos daily.
  • Keep house clean. 
  • In bed by 2am, up by 11am at the latest.
  • Maintain eating: 
    • Breakfast: oatmeal/english muffin/fruit/yogurt /tea- @150 cals
    • Lunch: chicken/veggies/tortillas/tuna/crackers - @250 cals
    • Snack: neg cal fruits - @ 60cals
    • Dinner: lean mean, veggies - @200 cals
    • Dessert - sugar free popsicle - 15 cals
    • Total: Less than 700 cals.
Manageable if I just stick to it. And not get stressed. Yesterday I was stressed. I fought off cravings, had an eating dream at bedtime, and generally just didn't feel it. But this morning's numbers were worth it. That's what I need to remember. Temptation grows when you feed it. And I don't want to feed anything.

Monday, June 19, 2017


He lights up when he talks to me. When I talk to him. He smiles. A smile that doesn't end with his lips, or even his eyes, but goes to his heart. 

It's not his fault he couldn't reach out. He's broken. And messy. He's so profoundly different on such a deep level that I couldn't even understand him. And by the time I did, it was too late. I didn't get all the information I needed and didn't have the time. He would have been a project that took years and more patience than I possess. More than I think anyone really possesses. He can't reach out like people expect. But I wish he would have. I wish any of his emotions would have been strong enough to spark some kind of actual action... Aside from the one evening and a couple drunken moments. 

I need someone who pushes back. That's the game. I cause drama to test. And some fail. Many have. He failed the hardest. To the point where I had to stop myself from blaming myself. 

I miss him. I know it would have never worked. It was doomed from the start. But I miss the game and the conversations. I miss having him as a friend. I wish I could tell him I miss him... I wish I could catch up with him. But I think the way it is now is best... I give him what I want and nothing more. And he soaks it up, pretends he isn't affected... but I know when he smiles. 

We said we would be friends. I said it. I know I can't, but I miss it. I want to tell him I'm sorry. I think I might be able to do that soon. Just not sure if I should or not. 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017


School is over. And while I feel relieved, I also want to get my dream job now, but life is making me take it slow... I need my career. Not even having a taste of it makes me feel worthless and angsty. It makes it hard for me to be grateful and positive. My career is my passion, and it feeds my soul. Lately, my soul has been stagnant.

Last month, I went on the best vacation of my life with CS. We planned our wedding and called it our honeymoon. We made amazing memories together. It was truly the best week of my life. He is my home and my heart. I want to marry him and stop being scared of things.

When I got home to reality, I fell apart. Back to my shitty job surrounded by shitty people and trying not to let it get to me. There is no bright side to look on at this moment. No projects or necessities to accomplish. Just a road of a couple months full of tedious work that I do not want to do and drama that I escaped as a single person. We're trying to figure out our next steps in life, and I'm trying to manage it without doubt and anxiety ripping me apart.

I've had such severe anxiety for over 3 weeks now that I've dropped off the face of the earth, and everyone has let me. My list of to-dos is mounting, but I feel crippled. My house is dirty, my dog un-bathed, my bills unpaid, but I've been stuck. It's like no day is long enough, and no moment filled with what actually needs to happen.

Then this week, I've been sick. I was mentally so strung out that my body decided to follow suit. Now I feel like the cobwebs are gone mentally, but physically I can't get it together. I've been so sick I haven't been to work in 6 days. I called out two and got sent home two. I never thought I would say it, but I'm thankful for Amy and her covering for me. Tomorrow, I have to go back. The amount of debt I'm facing is staggering at this moment, and I can't live my life laying in bed any longer. I feel worthless.

There's a new fuck boy. And while that used to excite me, now it just annoys me. I tried to do the right thing. I told him while he was on vacation and I was on vacation that I got back together with my ex. I tried to scare him off, but instead he's chasing more. The attention will always be my biggest addiction, but I don't want him. I don't like anything about him, except the attention. And I don't want to risk anything I currently have. Which doesn't feel like much right now... If I lost CS because of some idiot like Tuse, I'd hate myself.

I don't know how to shake off the funk. It's taking over moments I should be happy. I've been fighting it off as best I can, but the cloud of drugs and drinking and mia keeps raining on me, and I can't find an umbrella anywhere. I've given in to Mia a couple times, but it doesn't help. And I've said no to drinking and drugs for so long at this point it feels normal. But some days, I miss that unhealthy coping.

I just need to remember my own advice about substances.

I don't think I've ever had depression for this long. It's been a solid month, and that's a scary thought. You'd think I could manage it somehow, but I don't think I'm mature enough sometimes. I have been asking myself "What's wrong?" for so long with no answers... I don't know what's really been wrong. Nothing huge. Just this stupid little nagging that I can't get rid of. This terrible feeling I can't shake off.

I should be doing better.

And, there is it. That is the thought that is holding me back. That is the ditty repeating itself in my head. Suddenly, on the screen of my journal, there is it. I have been telling myself this every single day lately instead of looking at the positives and being patient.

I need to give myself credit. I have been doing better. I have not been drinking, fucking around, lying to the man who loves me, putting up with shitty friends, having serious kid drama, or blowing money unnecessarily. I put aside the fuck boys. I said goodbye to Adam. I graduated. I know it's going to take a couple months, but I have the time. I need to calm down.

Tomorrow I need to do a chore and go to work. It's time to shake off the cobwebs.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Ditties in my mind

"A binge, and a purge, and all's right with the world."

The ditty still rings loud and clear in my head when I need it. Sharp and looming, like an old carousel song. In some ways comforting, but also a haunting sound as it echoes repeatedly in the dark.

This weekend was terrible for me, but it was nothing I could even share with those around me. All they saw was me being moody and angry, but it's better than the reactions of the alternative of telling them.

I am miserable.

With my body, as usual... I used to just hate myself because I looked fat, but now, I hate myself because I look fat and old. White hairs are springing up on my scalp, my completion looks like wrinkled paper, and cellulite is breeding on my thighs. My arms look flabby, and my stomach and things jiggle more than they ever have. I need to start working out mercilessly, but instead I just eat and eat and eat until I make myself want to vomit. I punish myself for how I already look...

"Oh, you want to be lazy and disgusting, then let's really do it!"

Sometime I manage not to see what I look like and just enjoy myself, and other times it consumes me with how poorly I look. I was doing well being vegan, but suddenly, the "I'll be good tomorrow" mentality came up, and I can't make it LEAVE.

I've spent literally years of my life putting off making myself look better, and I wasted my youthful years being fat. Now I'm old and just trying to look pretty, without the physical ability to do it as easily.

I'm old. I'm thirty. And I gave up the fuck boy opportunities this week, and I'm proud of myself for that, but I also fear that their presence is what keeps my confidence to maintainable levels.  I didn't hear from Adam for 2 months, and suddenly, he texts me apologizing for things that happened a very long time ago, and asking me out on a date.

"They always come back."

I was right. With him, at least... I'm always right on this with the ones that matter emotionally... It was nice to hear and very tempting, but I know what it would have done to me mentally in regards to CS.

I said no. Because I have to choose what life I want, and I choose him.

Even though this weekend wasn't easy to do that. I wanted to DRINK. I wanted to self-destruct and use bad coping, and get so fucking wasted that I forgot how ugly I felt. I wanted to go be around drunk older men who would make me feel young and pretty again. I wanted the relativity. I wanted a different perspective.

I was frustrated and frustrated with CS for not seeming frustrated. I wanted to talk about it, but couldn't. Because this is his vice, and not mine. But it sucks, because I fucking miss it, but if I tell him that, it will devastate him. He doesn't want me to give up a lifstyle I want, but that's what living with him entails. I have to give up the things that are bad for me and do actual work...

And as much as I've done that, I'm not done. I clearly still need to improve, and that realization fucking SUCKS, but there it is, hidden in my blog, as usual... It always sums up for me eventually, and this one annoys me.

It's a journey, and I need to start remembering that.

Tomorrow's step of the journey is to get the eating back in order, and then just give it a little time. And then no more waiting for tomorrow with my physical body. It's time to focus on that a while and let the mental do it's work on auto-pilot.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Self-loathing, as usual

I feel lonely today... Very lonely... But at the same time, the thought of people gives me anxiety.

I ran away from work as soon as I could today, went off to buy myself too many birthday presents and spent too much money. I ate shitty food I shouldn't be eating.

I feel depressed, overwhelmed, and tired. I feel exhausted by life.

I've had anxiety for days, and I don't know how to shake it. I feel like everything I do is wrong, I'm ugly and stupid, and I don't know how to make decisions or take care of anything. I feel overwhelmed with the amount of things I need to do, and I can't find the motivation to do any of them. I feel frazzled, and I miss CS, and I want him back, but I don't know how to reformat my life to have him, or if I even should... I need the world to stop spinning for a moment and let me get off. I need to throw up. I need to cry. I need to laugh. I need to do drugs and drink...

I want people to like me, but I don't care if they really do...  I want to do well in school, but lately I don't care if I even do... I need to do things and get myself settled and straightened out, but I have no focus.

I miss him.

I don't want all these stupid ass fuckboys I've been hanging out with - fucking Adam again, making out with Brandon, and getting so caught up in their dumb shit that I miss deadlines...

I just want him. I want to have the life with him that we had planned. And I want the next chapter in my life to be here already. I want the settled down me. I want to be a grownup.

But since that's not happening quickly enough, I find myself being a complete fucking child. Partying and being a moron and making stupid fucking choices...

I hate myself.

When all other things change, that one fact remains the same. I hate myself.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Beer for Dinner

The battery on my scale was dead for about a week. I finally replaced it this morning, and I was scared of what the number would be... For some reason I had convinced myself that I would weigh about ten pounds more than I actually did. The number wasn't terrible - I just wish I had eaten light yesterday instead of "normal" so that it would have been even lower today.

I ate minimal today - some green beans, turkey, cheese stick, and a couple bites of sweet potato and fat free pudding. I decided to call it a night with a big beer and a cigarette. I told myself no food and came home hungry to the smell of my roommate cooking chicken. FML... I closed myself in my room and lit a candle. I'm going to wait til the beer kicks in and she's done in the kitchen to go have my ciggy. I'm going to dash to the porch to smoke once the smell has dissipated.

I think of my roommate as antisocial, but I think it's actually me that's also antisocial... I think we're more alike in that category than I initially thought. I have moments when I wish she was more social, but most of the time I'm ok with her being tucked away in her bedroom because I stay tucked away in mine. The rest of my life forces me to be SO social, I just can't do it at home.

I "broke up" with Jay the other night... It was weird. I texted him basically saying that I had hoped we could be friends, but that's clearly not happening, and I regret it. I said I was sad about it. He texted me back some pathetic "I'm basically useless at the moment... have a lot going on" bullshit. I replied "You don't owe me any kind of an explanation. It is what it is. Good luck with whatever you have going on, and I'm always here for you if you need anything." It all sounded very final, and that's how I feel about it. I think in the past, my instinct with anyone would be to pry and try to get them to open up and take on all their problems and not make them carry their half of a friendship, but I'm truly over doing that in life... If you can't carry your half of a friendship enough to just fucking TELL me when you have something going on, then it's not really a friendship. And if you don't show me courtesy, then why should I check in with you anyway??

Plus, I think we're simply too different... I am fire and he is ice. I burn bright and hot and feel my emotions in a raw place and melt hearts and spread to others... He is cold and quiet and bitter. He is solitary and distant and frozen inside and refuses to warm up to anyone... Fire and ice cannot be together. They cannot even be friends.

Mentioning friends, I thought about Gerard a lot last night... I'm not sure why... I composed a text that I never sent about 50 times and looked up his facebook. He seems to be the same old person. A part of me misses him - a big part. I would have sent the text if it weren't for the ex and knowing that if he ever found out it would devastate him. I decided a long time ago that I can't have both of them in my life at the same time, and I made my choice. It just still hurts to miss people sometimes, and I wish it wasn't like that.

I wish I could feel my emotions and speak my mind and have people without having drama and issues. I wish the world were a different place...