Sunday, September 3, 2017


My depression and anxiety have been a mess lately. But I'm surviving. Some days I'm on top of the world, and some days I want to die... 

My wedding is approaching. I decided to suck it up and invite people who look good in swimsuits (this will be a thing there) and to get a 2 piece for the day. I am horrified. Because right now I'm not a person who looks good in a swimsuit... I feel like I'm going to be the bloated fat whale with blubber jiggling all over her body while everyone else looks lean and fantastic. My friends and family are all pretty gorgeous... I have 2 months to lose another 10 pounds and work out as much as possible. This morning I woke up with a fucked up neck, but I still managed to get in about 3 miles of power walking. I'm gonna push this week approaching to treadmill daily and get some ab and cellulite workouts in. 

My weight has been dropping slowly but steadily. It feels amazing. It's keeping me motivated to keep going. 

Just. Keep. Going. 

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

I want to stop existing 

I want to die. I don't want to keep living in a disgusting body that I hate. I'm a giant piece of shit that likes to pretend like her life has value, but I don't feel that way. I don't fit in. I'm fat and ugly and awkward and stupid and no one really loves me. How could they love me when they don't even really know me? I hide so much trying to make people like me. I hide all my ugly, and still the little bits that aren't so bad aren't good enough for anyone to love. They only like the fake bits that I work so hard to create that I feel eternally exhausted. I have no friends, and my family doesn't really want me around. I'm living some lie that I'm some person I'm not. I'm so fucking depressed. I try lately to pretend I'm ok and be grateful and positive, but I don't feel that way. I fucking hate myself. I hate my life, and I wish it would end. I beg for it to end. Please. I just want to stop existing. I'm so tired that I can barely drag myself through another day. I want it all to end. 

Sunday, August 20, 2017


When I weighed in this morning, the scale was incredibly nice to me. However, I felt reckless and edgy all day. There's a lot going on right now in life that I do not feel in control of. 

My day ended with a binge and purge.. not the usual type of binge - actually just another meal (after I said I'd stop eating for the day) of not-Ana approved food... I thought about letting myself keep the meal down, but I couldn't. My anxiety was too high. I didn't want to wake up tomorrow to a higher weight, and the fear of that made me take the opportunity to purge when it arose. 

I felt lighter the moment I was done purging. Nice purges are always bittersweet.

Tomorrow is another day at the new job. Plus drama with my dog. And drama with paying for the boys classes. I'm not looking forward to all of it. 

But maybe the scale will be nice again. August was a bad month for weight loss for me. That can't continue... I need to get on track. This week was pretty good, aside from tonight- I just need to keep it up. 

Let's do it. 

Think thin. 

Saturday, August 19, 2017

It's hard rn

B: Egg whites, onion and pepper, FF cheese, one strip turkey bacon, tomato - 150 cals
L: Potato, green beans - 150 cals
D: Zucchini, squash, tomato sauce, little beef - 200 cals
S: Nuts - 100 cals
Total: 600 cals

I'm so hungry. I've been hungry for about 3 days. But, it's ok... I know my body will adjust soon. The cravings for sugar have diminished a little, though right now I'm fighting heading into the kitchen and wolfing down some cookies. I even looked at thinspo for the past hour and it's not enough to make me stop feeling so fucking hungry. Hopefully this just means my period is coming... 

Tomorrow is a springs day. Not looking forward to the bikini or being around others wearing them all day. But there's quite a bit of walking involved at the park, so I'm hoping to get in a decent workout while I'm there. 

I need to start working out this week. I need a gym. There's nowhere to do it here. There's no privacy. I feel stressed about the prospect. But Tuesday I'm getting myself to a gym. No questions. 

And I need a waist trainer. And money. And my mom to back off. But most of all I need to be thin. 

Please lose weight 

600 calories today. Tomorrow I weigh in. This morning my weight was ok, but the wedding is closer than I want it to be for where my weight is at. 

I want to head into pregnancy thin. I plan to let myself recklessly lose weight until November when we get married and then start having unprotected sex and attempting pregnancy. Then, once the baby is out, I can recklessly lose weight again. 

I started my new job. It's been a stressful transition, and sitting in trainings with other new people and a room full of HR is wildly unnerving. But, I really like it. I just hope I continue to for a long time. It's such satisfying work and the environment seems perfect. I can't wait to actually get to work and start getting paid.

I had a dream about Jay last night. It was unnerving. I don't want to remember him. But there he was in my dream - all mouthy and beautiful, just like always. Our goodbye felt so incredibly unfinished that it still haunts me a little bit. But what can I really do?

Just like Adam. We didn't get a goodbye. We both opted out. He knew it was too late. And I didn't want one last flight before I left town. His number is blocked, and while in thinking about it, I'm going to block a few others. 

Tomorrow's goal is to keep the eating to a minimum. I just want to be thin so badly right now. Lately I feel so terribly fat. I can't stand it. I'm tired of hating myself. 

Think thin. 

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Low cals, low weight

Yesterday's intake:
B - Yogurt and berries - 120 cals
L - Piece of rips - 20 cals
D - Sandwich thin with mustard, vegg, and a little meat, 4 chips - 200 cals
S - Fudge pop, popcorn, pasta bites - 190 max
Total: 530 cals

Today's intake:
B: Grapes, half english muffin, ham, 1 egg white - 140 cals
L: Shrimp, veggies - 150 cals
D: Refried beans, lettuce, tomatoes, beef, FF sour cream, little cheese - 230 cals
Total: 520 cals

Lowest days in a long time. I've been taking supplements and doing every trick I remember. I've been working hard. My mom's scale had a good number, but the plan this weekend was to restrict as much as possible and see what I weigh Monday morning. I want to see a specific number... I hope it shows up.

I'm getting excited again. The feeling in the pit of my stomach of losing. The hunger that feels good. The feeling of being full after a couple bites. The drops in bloodsugar that I have to work around. How my pants fit. It's nice. I've needed it. I'll stop at nothing now.

Think thin.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Down another pound

The scale was so kind this morning. Down another pound. I'm lower than I've been in a while. I need to keep going and not give up... I'm going to do my workout when I'm done writing this.

I had nightmares all night last night. I was hungry when I fell asleep, hungry when I woke up. I took a melatonin and smoked a bowl to get myself sleepy enough to pass out. It was decent, but I knew the fucked up dreams would be there waiting. I had a dream that the fiance found this blog. I was horrified. He was commenting on my posts while I was feverishly attempting to block and delete things.

If he knew what was in the pages of this blog, he would probably leave me. Or at least be devastated. Sometimes I wonder why I risk having it - going online and writing in here, etc. But, I need it. I need this outlet to work through things and become a better person. The worst of me is on these pages, and that's where I like to leave it.

And it's comforting when the little number of views shows a couple. I feel less alone. I pray for comments, and even when there aren't any (as I've had this account so long most of my fellow blogger ladies have come and gone) I still feel like maybe someone connected with something I said. I should probably find other blogs to read and comment on also, but I struggle with the time and privacy to do so.

Anyway, I need to go be productive.

Think thin.