Thursday, November 16, 2017

Eff this place

2 months since my last post.

Sometimes is shocks me how long it's been, and sometimes it feels as if an eternity has passed. This post is a bit of both, I supposed.

Living at my parent's house fucking blows. I hate it here. HATE. IT.

With every fiber of my being, I hate it here. I hate it just as much as I did when I was 13 and cut myself and was super depressed. I might even hate it more because at this point in life, I've had a taste of what I want my life to me like, and it is NOT this garbage. 

My parents are what I never want to be. They're close-minded and ignorant and they never shut the fuck up. Even if I don't speak back to them, they just fucking don't stop talking, and with my mom it's alllll nagging. She is the biggest nag I have ever met in my fucking life, and I hope to GOD I never act like her. I hate that she never does a goddam thing. She doesn't work, doesn't have any responsibilities, and stays home all fucking day every day. She makes my dad run every errand and complains about how "busy" she is when all I see her do is cook one meal a day and sit on the couch or sleep in. She complains that she's sooo depressed and that that's why she "can't" manage anything, but she's never ONCE made any effort to get better or fix ANYTHING in her life. Like, go to fucking counseling. Take meds. Figire it out. Your life is half over, and this is how you chose to spend it?? Locked away in this crap house, calling everyone you know a bad person and complaining?? She just locks herself up in the house, acting antisocial and complaining about the rest of the fucking world like IT is the problem. She asks me (tells me, essentially) that it's "my night" to do the dishes, when I don't eat any meals at this fucking house, and haven't even cooked anything in two days. She calls me literally yelling about something that she "can't handle" at least once a week and acts like a crazy bitch about things that she should not even fucking worry about. She. Is. Fucking. Nuts. And I cannot keep living with her - she lets me have no peace.

As soon as I have some money put aside and can find a place, I'm out. I need to. My sanity depends on it. 

In other news, I have fallen in love with the gym, and as soon as I get back to normal eating and not this shit she feeds people out of cans every goddam day, I'm going to look fab.

Dear Lord, get me out of here, please...

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Meh

My depression and anxiety have been a mess lately. But I'm surviving. Some days I'm on top of the world, and some days I want to die... 

My wedding is approaching. I decided to suck it up and invite people who look good in swimsuits (this will be a thing there) and to get a 2 piece for the day. I am horrified. Because right now I'm not a person who looks good in a swimsuit... I feel like I'm going to be the bloated fat whale with blubber jiggling all over her body while everyone else looks lean and fantastic. My friends and family are all pretty gorgeous... I have 2 months to lose another 10 pounds and work out as much as possible. This morning I woke up with a fucked up neck, but I still managed to get in about 3 miles of power walking. I'm gonna push this week approaching to treadmill daily and get some ab and cellulite workouts in. 

My weight has been dropping slowly but steadily. It feels amazing. It's keeping me motivated to keep going. 

Just. Keep. Going. 

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

I want to stop existing 

I want to die. I don't want to keep living in a disgusting body that I hate. I'm a giant piece of shit that likes to pretend like her life has value, but I don't feel that way. I don't fit in. I'm fat and ugly and awkward and stupid and no one really loves me. How could they love me when they don't even really know me? I hide so much trying to make people like me. I hide all my ugly, and still the little bits that aren't so bad aren't good enough for anyone to love. They only like the fake bits that I work so hard to create that I feel eternally exhausted. I have no friends, and my family doesn't really want me around. I'm living some lie that I'm some person I'm not. I'm so fucking depressed. I try lately to pretend I'm ok and be grateful and positive, but I don't feel that way. I fucking hate myself. I hate my life, and I wish it would end. I beg for it to end. Please. I just want to stop existing. I'm so tired that I can barely drag myself through another day. I want it all to end. 

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Bittersweet 

When I weighed in this morning, the scale was incredibly nice to me. However, I felt reckless and edgy all day. There's a lot going on right now in life that I do not feel in control of. 

My day ended with a binge and purge.. not the usual type of binge - actually just another meal (after I said I'd stop eating for the day) of not-Ana approved food... I thought about letting myself keep the meal down, but I couldn't. My anxiety was too high. I didn't want to wake up tomorrow to a higher weight, and the fear of that made me take the opportunity to purge when it arose. 

I felt lighter the moment I was done purging. Nice purges are always bittersweet.

Tomorrow is another day at the new job. Plus drama with my dog. And drama with paying for the boys classes. I'm not looking forward to all of it. 

But maybe the scale will be nice again. August was a bad month for weight loss for me. That can't continue... I need to get on track. This week was pretty good, aside from tonight- I just need to keep it up. 

Let's do it. 

Think thin. 

Saturday, August 19, 2017

It's hard rn

B: Egg whites, onion and pepper, FF cheese, one strip turkey bacon, tomato - 150 cals
L: Potato, green beans - 150 cals
D: Zucchini, squash, tomato sauce, little beef - 200 cals
S: Nuts - 100 cals
Total: 600 cals

I'm so hungry. I've been hungry for about 3 days. But, it's ok... I know my body will adjust soon. The cravings for sugar have diminished a little, though right now I'm fighting heading into the kitchen and wolfing down some cookies. I even looked at thinspo for the past hour and it's not enough to make me stop feeling so fucking hungry. Hopefully this just means my period is coming... 

Tomorrow is a springs day. Not looking forward to the bikini or being around others wearing them all day. But there's quite a bit of walking involved at the park, so I'm hoping to get in a decent workout while I'm there. 

I need to start working out this week. I need a gym. There's nowhere to do it here. There's no privacy. I feel stressed about the prospect. But Tuesday I'm getting myself to a gym. No questions. 

And I need a waist trainer. And money. And my mom to back off. But most of all I need to be thin. 

Please lose weight 

600 calories today. Tomorrow I weigh in. This morning my weight was ok, but the wedding is closer than I want it to be for where my weight is at. 

I want to head into pregnancy thin. I plan to let myself recklessly lose weight until November when we get married and then start having unprotected sex and attempting pregnancy. Then, once the baby is out, I can recklessly lose weight again. 

I started my new job. It's been a stressful transition, and sitting in trainings with other new people and a room full of HR is wildly unnerving. But, I really like it. I just hope I continue to for a long time. It's such satisfying work and the environment seems perfect. I can't wait to actually get to work and start getting paid.

I had a dream about Jay last night. It was unnerving. I don't want to remember him. But there he was in my dream - all mouthy and beautiful, just like always. Our goodbye felt so incredibly unfinished that it still haunts me a little bit. But what can I really do?

Just like Adam. We didn't get a goodbye. We both opted out. He knew it was too late. And I didn't want one last flight before I left town. His number is blocked, and while in thinking about it, I'm going to block a few others. 

Tomorrow's goal is to keep the eating to a minimum. I just want to be thin so badly right now. Lately I feel so terribly fat. I can't stand it. I'm tired of hating myself. 

Think thin. 

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Low cals, low weight

Yesterday's intake:
B - Yogurt and berries - 120 cals
L - Piece of rips - 20 cals
D - Sandwich thin with mustard, vegg, and a little meat, 4 chips - 200 cals
S - Fudge pop, popcorn, pasta bites - 190 max
Total: 530 cals

Today's intake:
B: Grapes, half english muffin, ham, 1 egg white - 140 cals
L: Shrimp, veggies - 150 cals
D: Refried beans, lettuce, tomatoes, beef, FF sour cream, little cheese - 230 cals
Total: 520 cals

Lowest days in a long time. I've been taking supplements and doing every trick I remember. I've been working hard. My mom's scale had a good number, but the plan this weekend was to restrict as much as possible and see what I weigh Monday morning. I want to see a specific number... I hope it shows up.

I'm getting excited again. The feeling in the pit of my stomach of losing. The hunger that feels good. The feeling of being full after a couple bites. The drops in bloodsugar that I have to work around. How my pants fit. It's nice. I've needed it. I'll stop at nothing now.

Think thin.