Wednesday, July 30, 2014

At Jenn's

Here I am again at Jenn's house...

The boyfriend broke up with me. I don't know why or what the fuck made him have a meltdown, but he totally did. He lost it. The old crazy him came out, and after a 17 hour work day, he screamed at me, broke things, went out and drank, came home at 3am and barely slept. The next morning he changed all his passwords and blocked everyone I know on Facebook. He told me we are definitely done and of course accused me of running to a backup man. Then once I started to get super pissed off and basically told him I'm out, he started to do the usual thing where he tries to suck up a little one second and the next sarcastically says how much better off we will be. I think a lot of this behavior comes from the fact that he has literally barely been sleeping, and I honestly have no idea what he's going to want once he gets some sleep and has a moment of clarity. I'm not even sure if it matters... But as of right now the ball is pretty much in his court. And I have no idea what I will do if he puts it back in mine. 

I want to throw up thinking about it. I love him. So much. I don't want to break up but he's so unhealthy mentally I don't know what to do. I literally don't know what the FUCK to do anymore with him. We've been through this so many times over the past two years, but I just love him so much and only him that I don't know how to handle anything.

I realize the problem is not actually me and that he doesn't hate me, but that doesn't make his behavior ok. His job is sucking away his sanity, not seeing his kids is breaking his heart, and when he should be focusing on us and how we can help each other through things, he instead gets annoyed with everything and uses me to release frustration on. It's not fair to me, and I have too much self respect to tolerate it.

I wish he would just have a breakthrough that sticks. I wish he knew how to love someone properly. I have no doubt that he loves me, but he's such a mess... He doesn't know how to love anyone the right way; not even his own family or kids. 

I haven't heard anything from him since noon yesterday. It's heart wrenching. Especially since I know he's probably spending a majority of the time getting wasted... I went by the house (drove by) last night after work to see if he went out, and he didn't. He was just home. I honestly don't even think he has any friends these days he could go out with. He went to the bar alone the other day... He used to frequently when we first met and his alcoholism was severe. I just hope that he's actually getting some sleep while I'm gone. He has 3 days off which is why I went to Jenn's. I couldn't handle the tension and his crazy back and forth, telling me he doesn't want to talk to me at all one second and asking me if we can have sex and trying to make me laugh the next. I don't get him, and I honestly don't think he even knows what he wants or what to do with himself. 

I want him to wake up. Stop his destructive behavior and have a realization that he needs to figure out how to be happy. It's not even out of a selfish place. Even if we we are not together, I honestly hope he figures out how to be happy. 

I want to be happy too... He makes me happy when he's not acting crazy. Even when he is crazy half the time. But lately I feel like he's not sold on us, and I can't handle the insecurity of wondering if he will just up and leave after one of his breakdowns in the future. 

I'm hoping this doesn't follow the same pattern but I'm also hoping it does. It's probably sick. Normally after no more that around 48 hours of no contact he will contact me and tell me he loves me or misses me or whatever. He will ask if we can meet or talk. He will tell me he's going to fix things and apologize and then he will be good for months or whatever until he has another breakdown. He's not stable. 

How do you love and unstable man? 

I'm going to camp on Friday, so the current plan is to stay at Jenn's the next couple nights, go to camp for a couple nights, and if I haven't heard anything from him by Sunday when camp is over, I'll just spend another night at Jenn's. Then Monday while he's at work, I can go home. I'm hoping this reaches some kind of resolution that doesn't make me have to stay away from my own home for days on end... If he doesn't contact me by Sunday, it will be clear it's over. It will have been the longest he's ever gone without speaking to me, and I'll know it's time to end it. Right now I'm unsure if it's time to end it, but I suspect it might be regardless of future contact. But like I said, at the moment the ball is in his court and I just need to focus on what I need to do and not freak out. 

He payed me rent for the first and said he's staying at least the month of August. It's all such a mess... I'm completely overwhelmed with the situation, and a thousand "what ifs" are coursing through my head. A million scenarios with a million different outcomes. I don't have any control over this, and all I really want to do is run home and throw myself at him and beg him to love me...

I just want to be with the person I love in the right way... Why is it so hard for him to love me the right way?? 

Sunday, July 13, 2014


I'm getting ready to take my exam for grad school in 9 days. I really only want to have to take it once because it's expensive as shit, but I guess we will have to see how it goes... I'm so far removed from school that I am stressed over what the outcome will be, but taking it is the first step and that's what really matters I guess... 

Studying for it makes me feel old, and my current weight makes me feel totally obese. I need to get this exam under control and then get my weight under control via working out way more. 

I have about 15lbs to lose at the moment, and then I'll feel satisfied. 

In other news, the boyfriend and I are doing really well. My relationship with him has opened my eyes in so many ways. I'm a psycho, and he's a mess as well, and our relationship has been so messy. We are both emotional and stubborn and struggle with responsibilities. But damn I love him. He makes me feel so beautiful even when I shouldn't. He makes me feel understood and loved in spite of my flaws. I absolutely adore him. I want to marry him, and I never even felt that way about my husband. 

Ok I need to study...