Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Beer for Dinner

The battery on my scale was dead for about a week. I finally replaced it this morning, and I was scared of what the number would be... For some reason I had convinced myself that I would weigh about ten pounds more than I actually did. The number wasn't terrible - I just wish I had eaten light yesterday instead of "normal" so that it would have been even lower today.

I ate minimal today - some green beans, turkey, cheese stick, and a couple bites of sweet potato and fat free pudding. I decided to call it a night with a big beer and a cigarette. I told myself no food and came home hungry to the smell of my roommate cooking chicken. FML... I closed myself in my room and lit a candle. I'm going to wait til the beer kicks in and she's done in the kitchen to go have my ciggy. I'm going to dash to the porch to smoke once the smell has dissipated.

I think of my roommate as antisocial, but I think it's actually me that's also antisocial... I think we're more alike in that category than I initially thought. I have moments when I wish she was more social, but most of the time I'm ok with her being tucked away in her bedroom because I stay tucked away in mine. The rest of my life forces me to be SO social, I just can't do it at home.

I "broke up" with Jay the other night... It was weird. I texted him basically saying that I had hoped we could be friends, but that's clearly not happening, and I regret it. I said I was sad about it. He texted me back some pathetic "I'm basically useless at the moment... have a lot going on" bullshit. I replied "You don't owe me any kind of an explanation. It is what it is. Good luck with whatever you have going on, and I'm always here for you if you need anything." It all sounded very final, and that's how I feel about it. I think in the past, my instinct with anyone would be to pry and try to get them to open up and take on all their problems and not make them carry their half of a friendship, but I'm truly over doing that in life... If you can't carry your half of a friendship enough to just fucking TELL me when you have something going on, then it's not really a friendship. And if you don't show me courtesy, then why should I check in with you anyway??

Plus, I think we're simply too different... I am fire and he is ice. I burn bright and hot and feel my emotions in a raw place and melt hearts and spread to others... He is cold and quiet and bitter. He is solitary and distant and frozen inside and refuses to warm up to anyone... Fire and ice cannot be together. They cannot even be friends.

Mentioning friends, I thought about Gerard a lot last night... I'm not sure why... I composed a text that I never sent about 50 times and looked up his facebook. He seems to be the same old person. A part of me misses him - a big part. I would have sent the text if it weren't for the ex and knowing that if he ever found out it would devastate him. I decided a long time ago that I can't have both of them in my life at the same time, and I made my choice. It just still hurts to miss people sometimes, and I wish it wasn't like that.

I wish I could feel my emotions and speak my mind and have people without having drama and issues. I wish the world were a different place...

Monday, December 12, 2016

Mia has been around a lot this week

Sometimes I try to eat normally... I tell myself "Just a normal meal, and I don't have to purge it."

Then, as soon as my plate is clean and my food is ingested, her voice comes in. "You realize there is no other way. The result had to be this all along."

I create a problem to which there is only one solution. Digestion is not a permissible course of action. I purge because there is no other option.

My emotions are a fucking wreck this week, and I don't know yet quite what is bothering me. I feel sad, depressed, anxious, and lonely.

I want a boyfriend. I don't like being single... I've been getting plenty of attention from my ex, and I do love him, but the whole scenario sucks, and my mind wanders down a thousand different paths when I give it a moment's worth of attention. The past, present, and future all collide in my brain, shattering my thoughts and sending shrapnel to the various corners of my lobes.

And then, there is Jay. Whom I have given up on... I think I need to realize it was a nice evening and a nice thought, but he is too messed up. He doesn't know how to be a friend to someone else, and I don't feel like teaching him.

I don't know if I really know, anyway...  I sit at home browsing thinspo and binging and purging and watching fucked up movies. 

I need to do what I did with the other fuckboys and delete his number, but I haven't taken that step yet... I know it's on the horizon, but I can't bring myself to pull the trigger yet.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

No food day

The past two days, I've been emotional and trying to figure myself out... I didn't eat food today...

B: Diet pill
L: Detox tea and Diet Coke
D: Glass of wine

I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat anything every again... I want to shrink up to nothing and blow away in a strong wind. I want to lose 20 pounds and feel good about myself again. Sitting in class last night and watching the presentation on ED's made me miss my old body. I miss feeling thin. I miss feeling my bones... I miss looking really cute in whatever clothes I wanted to wear. I miss how it all was, and I want it back. I need it back... And I'm going to get it back.

I invited the ex over last night to spend the night with me. I missed him. I needed physical affection. I needed someone who knows me and understands me and loves me regardless. I haven't talked to Jay in a couple days, and I think it's better that way. He is not for me. I know it, but it still sucks. I needed space from him, and I still do at the moment. I texted him a generic statement, solely for the purpose of keeping the lines of communication open, but I really don't actually want to talk to him.

I want to isolate and not eat and starve myself until I feel better and my life figures itself out.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Lately

The past few times I've had alcohol, I've gotten super depressed. I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself to plan my future, and I can't. I feel like I have to pick between Jay and the ex and my feelings for each of them, but right now I don't think I actually have to do that. I have time, and I need to start utilizing it.

I went out with Jay last night for drinks. He's a good person. And for some reason I feel incredibly comfortable with him. I'm not sure if it's him, or just me getting to a point where I don't care what others think... I'm starting to think being happy with myself is what matters most. I don't hesitate to speak my mind in almost any situation anymore in life. And for some reason, others gravitate toward me because it it.

Jay makes me laugh, he listens to my stories, and he shares with me. He lets me in, and I don't think that's normal for him. We have a connection and an understanding that I think means something. I think he cares about me. And I think a lot of people have given up on him because he doesn't make it easy to be his friend. He keeps people out, but I don't think it's on purpose. I think he's genuinely misunderstood. His behaviors make it seem like he doesn't like a person, but I think in reality he doesn't know how to relate to other human beings properly. He comes across as being offensive in some ways or disappointing, but it's not what his intention is. I feel like I can do or say anything around him, and he accepts me. It's so rare to have in life, that I don't want to let go of it.

But I hate that I like him. I fight it. And it's not the first time I've had to keep myself in the friend zone when I so desperately didn't want to be there with someone - he's just another Ryan. I know how to do it; I just wish I didn't have to right now. It's probably for the best because I am very confused about how to handle my future, and I know it would complicate everything even more, but moments like last night are difficult... When he touches my hand, and I notice the small freckle on the right side of his nose and his small patch of chest hair inside his shirt... When I hug him goodnight and kiss his cheek and he lingers well after all the lights come on without hurrying off into the night. Those are the moments I have to tell my heart to be still. And for some reason I'm choking up writing this. Maybe I don't like the friend zone as much as I'm just going to accept it... 

I think I need to focus on myself more. When Kate told me that the other day, I didn't know how to react or what she was even really saying to me... How do I focus on myself more? The fact that I couldn't even answer this question for myself was pretty eye-opening.

Today I felt lost. Like I didn't know which way to go or what to do with myself. I don't know whether to laugh or cry all day, I have no energy, and I'm completely lacking motivation. It might be because of the drugs I did last night, but I think it's also just me... I'm a little depressed.

I was reading back over some old blog entries today, and I miss my Ana days... I think it's time for a refresher. I didn't eat at work yesterday - just had uppers and caffeine and then beer for dinner with a little blow... I really desperately want to be thin again. I miss it. I miss the feeling of knowing that no matter what else is going on, as least I look good.

Sometimes, I wish I could just ditch the work of anything and everything and party. Part of me wants to be a reckless, drug-abusing, alcoholic slut, and part of me wants to be a virginal, well-educated pious little perfectionist. I try to be somwhere in the middle, but it's not easy. Last night when I was drifting off to sleep, I found myself feeling guilty about doing drugs and drinking on the weekends and then going off to work at a rehab facility during the week. I wonder what my friends think about it... I wonder what is actually healthy... I don't have a problem with drugs or drinking - I utilize them so infrequently now that it's almost funny to think about how much I USED to.

In reality, I think that's what each of the boys I care for represent... If I end up with Jay, there will be drugs and drinking and fasting with ease. If I end up with C, then I have to stay sober and careful and be a real adult... I think I'm still undecided as to what I want to do with my life. Being a therapist is only one element of my life. It doesn't mean I have to be a different person to be effective.

I loved last night that I had the epiphany with Jay about why I love it so much... I told him it's because the people who come to me want to change and grow and fix things. So many people do not want that in the world. So many people want to stay where they are and not make the effort. But my clients want better.

I also want better... I just don't know what better is for ME. I don't want some ideal of better. I want real better. I want messy but happy. I want true and deep emotions for real things and people. And to look at myself in the mirror and like all of what I see, on the outside and deep in my eyes.