Monday, December 5, 2016

Lately

The past few times I've had alcohol, I've gotten super depressed. I think I'm putting too much pressure on myself to plan my future, and I can't. I feel like I have to pick between Jay and the ex and my feelings for each of them, but right now I don't think I actually have to do that. I have time, and I need to start utilizing it.

I went out with Jay last night for drinks. He's a good person. And for some reason I feel incredibly comfortable with him. I'm not sure if it's him, or just me getting to a point where I don't care what others think... I'm starting to think being happy with myself is what matters most. I don't hesitate to speak my mind in almost any situation anymore in life. And for some reason, others gravitate toward me because it it.

Jay makes me laugh, he listens to my stories, and he shares with me. He lets me in, and I don't think that's normal for him. We have a connection and an understanding that I think means something. I think he cares about me. And I think a lot of people have given up on him because he doesn't make it easy to be his friend. He keeps people out, but I don't think it's on purpose. I think he's genuinely misunderstood. His behaviors make it seem like he doesn't like a person, but I think in reality he doesn't know how to relate to other human beings properly. He comes across as being offensive in some ways or disappointing, but it's not what his intention is. I feel like I can do or say anything around him, and he accepts me. It's so rare to have in life, that I don't want to let go of it.

But I hate that I like him. I fight it. And it's not the first time I've had to keep myself in the friend zone when I so desperately didn't want to be there with someone - he's just another Ryan. I know how to do it; I just wish I didn't have to right now. It's probably for the best because I am very confused about how to handle my future, and I know it would complicate everything even more, but moments like last night are difficult... When he touches my hand, and I notice the small freckle on the right side of his nose and his small patch of chest hair inside his shirt... When I hug him goodnight and kiss his cheek and he lingers well after all the lights come on without hurrying off into the night. Those are the moments I have to tell my heart to be still. And for some reason I'm choking up writing this. Maybe I don't like the friend zone as much as I'm just going to accept it... 

I think I need to focus on myself more. When Kate told me that the other day, I didn't know how to react or what she was even really saying to me... How do I focus on myself more? The fact that I couldn't even answer this question for myself was pretty eye-opening.

Today I felt lost. Like I didn't know which way to go or what to do with myself. I don't know whether to laugh or cry all day, I have no energy, and I'm completely lacking motivation. It might be because of the drugs I did last night, but I think it's also just me... I'm a little depressed.

I was reading back over some old blog entries today, and I miss my Ana days... I think it's time for a refresher. I didn't eat at work yesterday - just had uppers and caffeine and then beer for dinner with a little blow... I really desperately want to be thin again. I miss it. I miss the feeling of knowing that no matter what else is going on, as least I look good.

Sometimes, I wish I could just ditch the work of anything and everything and party. Part of me wants to be a reckless, drug-abusing, alcoholic slut, and part of me wants to be a virginal, well-educated pious little perfectionist. I try to be somwhere in the middle, but it's not easy. Last night when I was drifting off to sleep, I found myself feeling guilty about doing drugs and drinking on the weekends and then going off to work at a rehab facility during the week. I wonder what my friends think about it... I wonder what is actually healthy... I don't have a problem with drugs or drinking - I utilize them so infrequently now that it's almost funny to think about how much I USED to.

In reality, I think that's what each of the boys I care for represent... If I end up with Jay, there will be drugs and drinking and fasting with ease. If I end up with C, then I have to stay sober and careful and be a real adult... I think I'm still undecided as to what I want to do with my life. Being a therapist is only one element of my life. It doesn't mean I have to be a different person to be effective.

I loved last night that I had the epiphany with Jay about why I love it so much... I told him it's because the people who come to me want to change and grow and fix things. So many people do not want that in the world. So many people want to stay where they are and not make the effort. But my clients want better.

I also want better... I just don't know what better is for ME. I don't want some ideal of better. I want real better. I want messy but happy. I want true and deep emotions for real things and people. And to look at myself in the mirror and like all of what I see, on the outside and deep in my eyes.

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