Monday, December 12, 2016

Mia has been around a lot this week

Sometimes I try to eat normally... I tell myself "Just a normal meal, and I don't have to purge it."

Then, as soon as my plate is clean and my food is ingested, her voice comes in. "You realize there is no other way. The result had to be this all along."

I create a problem to which there is only one solution. Digestion is not a permissible course of action. I purge because there is no other option.

My emotions are a fucking wreck this week, and I don't know yet quite what is bothering me. I feel sad, depressed, anxious, and lonely.

I want a boyfriend. I don't like being single... I've been getting plenty of attention from my ex, and I do love him, but the whole scenario sucks, and my mind wanders down a thousand different paths when I give it a moment's worth of attention. The past, present, and future all collide in my brain, shattering my thoughts and sending shrapnel to the various corners of my lobes.

And then, there is Jay. Whom I have given up on... I think I need to realize it was a nice evening and a nice thought, but he is too messed up. He doesn't know how to be a friend to someone else, and I don't feel like teaching him.

I don't know if I really know, anyway...  I sit at home browsing thinspo and binging and purging and watching fucked up movies. 

I need to do what I did with the other fuckboys and delete his number, but I haven't taken that step yet... I know it's on the horizon, but I can't bring myself to pull the trigger yet.

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