Wednesday, December 7, 2016

No food day

The past two days, I've been emotional and trying to figure myself out... I didn't eat food today...

B: Diet pill
L: Detox tea and Diet Coke
D: Glass of wine

I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat anything every again... I want to shrink up to nothing and blow away in a strong wind. I want to lose 20 pounds and feel good about myself again. Sitting in class last night and watching the presentation on ED's made me miss my old body. I miss feeling thin. I miss feeling my bones... I miss looking really cute in whatever clothes I wanted to wear. I miss how it all was, and I want it back. I need it back... And I'm going to get it back.

I invited the ex over last night to spend the night with me. I missed him. I needed physical affection. I needed someone who knows me and understands me and loves me regardless. I haven't talked to Jay in a couple days, and I think it's better that way. He is not for me. I know it, but it still sucks. I needed space from him, and I still do at the moment. I texted him a generic statement, solely for the purpose of keeping the lines of communication open, but I really don't actually want to talk to him.

I want to isolate and not eat and starve myself until I feel better and my life figures itself out.

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