Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Year's Eve


2011 is almost gone... Here I stand with a terrible year behind me:

5 odd-jobs, 1 new drug addiction, several friend reunions, 4 realizations that old friends can totally blow, 2 concerts, 3 beach weekends, $0 in savings, 1 new goal, and 1 that hasn't changed.

As I read over this list, I want to slap someone... It has been SUCH a rough year that I can't believe I survived...

I've been broke and miserable and depressed and directionless and fat for an entire YEAR. And it's only recently that I'm making money, have a little direction, and once again have the mental energy to start losing weight [again]... FUCK me that's a load of shit.

When I think back to 2010 at this time, I was trying desperately to get to 115lbs, and I was CLOSE. A FEW pounds away... Now I wised up, bought a scale, and realized I wasn't actually THAT close, but still about 6lbs lighter than I sit here now writing this... I was trying to get my honeymoon weight back off...

"Ew, Cally. Another wasted year of being fat."

But I can't be mad, honestly... I mean, I can, but I won't be... Bad years happen, and in all honesty, it DID seem to fly by, AND there were a few things about this year that weren't that bad...

I thank God above every day for bringing Kay into my life at my shittiest of shitty jobs this year. Not only was she a ray of sunshine, but her encouragement helped me to realize my dream and that I am smart and capable of achieving it. She is the reason why I decided to go to grad school, the reason why I looked into my volunteer program (which was one of the ONLY things keeping me sane this year) and the reason why I decided to establish a light at the end of my tunnel.

My confidence about myself and my future went up a thousand fold, I found my direction, and I have her to thank for that.

And jobs... Wow I had too many. All shitty until this current one. This one I can handle. It's easy and pays well, and as long as I don't get my hours cut or fired, I know it will be a great job to have for the next year or so.

And my relationship... The hubby... I would have died alone.

SO all-in-all, a bad year, yes. But I'm deciding to look on the bright side...

I know I'll rise above. And even if I don't, you bet your ass I'll still lose this weight.

I can and will have a better life this year, starting now.

If I'm not 110lbs by my birthday in February, I'll probably kill myself on my birthday. It's 7 weeks away which is plenty of fucking time.

I can do it. I KNOW I can. I want to be at least 117lbs by the end of this month because the hubby and I are going on a romantic weekend because we FINALLY have some money to do so, and I want to look GOOD.

I need to prove it to myself and the rest of the world that I can do this... That I can finish my weight loss and maintain it forever. I may be getting older, but I don't need to be fat and ugly.

Have a safe and happy New Year to those of you who are going out... I will be working. And not eating.

Think thin, ladies.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Slip-up


Slipped up.

I should never have taken the first bite... It lead to more.

3oz of ham.
Popcorn.
5 peanuts.
7 almonds.
A cookie.
= about 500 calories.

I could have kept it down, it's not too much... But I panicked. It was easier to throw it up than to worry about it turning into fat in my system all night long.

My emotional fat brain said, "Throw it up. Fewer calories is always better. It doesn't matter if it's an okay amount. Less is still better."

So I purged.

I felt better but... I don't know how to express it.

I mean, 500 calories??? That's so LITTLE. In fact, when I threw it up, it was such a small amount...

I know why I purged, but at the same time, I DON'T know why.

Alas... tomorrow will be a better day. No mia and no cookie to make me panic.

No food and thinspo

My willpower is returning even without the Addy...

I'm doing well.

Yesterday I had a couple slip-ups... A mia at lunch time and some bread at dinner... But I knew the social evening with my best friend was coming, so I don't feel bad. And I had a blast.

Today I feel SO ready to charge ahead. I feel like I can conquer the world and my weight.

I bought edamame for dinner (180 cals, yes please!) and I'll probably only have that, if even. It's already almost 6pm here, and I have not had a single bite. I've only had 0-cal liquids all day.

I don't want to eat today... I just want to put it off a day. Put off deciding and counting and measuring and hoping to see a smaller number the next day.

Sometimes it's easier to just not eat anything.

Thinspo collection. I've been gathering for a while now.

Think thin, ladies.