Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Ugly doormat

Standing up for myself is hard.

SO hard for me... Why is that?? Why is it impossible for me to put myself first? To show some self respect? To care for myself?

My horoscope today said I should put myself first. To not take shit from anyone basically... I tried to be nice. I tried to have a normal conversation. But how can two fucked up people even have a normal conversation? Is it even possible?

I'm tired of the way I'm treated. I'm tired of giving all of myself to someone who doesn't do the same. And I'm tired of fixing it every time.

I can't anymore. I can't be a door mat. There's a big beautiful shiny life out there and I didn't end one awful situation to jump into another.

Weighing the pros and cons of being together or parting ways and both look amazing right now.

I'm tired of not controlling my own life and letting other people and situations do it for me.

All I want is to be made to feel special. Like in worth something... Anything... To anyone.

I want someone to see the beauty in me. To understand me. To listen and care and want me on my terms, even when I'm at my worst.

I want true love. And I don't think I've ever had it. I don't even know if its possible. How could anyone love something so ugly?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Focus pocus

The eating over the past two days has been good. I've been restricting and not even missing food honestly... I've been too preoccupied with other things...

Bird is being weird. I got drunk last night and texted him asking him why... He told me he's sorry... I need to just get away from him for a while. I got a little attached I suppose, just like he did. Only I'm the one that said no.

Gerard is getting sick of me; I feel it. He's tired of me hiding our friendship, talking about Bird, talking about the boyfriend. He's such a good friend to me. I hope he never decides to ditch me... Lately I feel like everyone is, and I hate it...

My job sucks hard. I hate it. And honestly after the holidays I'm going to look for a new one... I need a change. New faces and a new place and some new friends and management... I feel bored.

I also need to focus in life... I need grad school to be a reality. I need success and a real job and security in something. I need to finalize my divorce. I need my boyfriend to be less serious about me and to have less baggage... That last ones not possible and I know it. It's not his fault, but I feel slightly held back by him. I let myself get distracted with things, take on too much, handle everyone else's problems before my own and I need to stop doing that.

I need to focus on ME.

And my 800cals a day.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Longing and trying

It's back. The longing.

I've been bad over the past few months. In a lot of ways. The boyfriend and I have had a rocky relationship. Much too rocky for how infantile it is, but he also makes me happy. He told me last night I make him happier than he makes me... It's true. I know that but that's always the case in my relationships; it's not his fault. I really truly love him so much. And I've learned a lot about how fucked up I really am. And how fucked up my relationships have been in the past. I like being with him. I've done a lot of things to compromise it, and yes it was too much too soon. But I like what we have right now. I like where we stand, and I love him.

Gerard and Bird are still around. I fucked Bird. And almost Gerard. I shouldn't have. I didn't even enjoy it. I honestly don't know why I did. They're always available and honestly two of my best friends. It's something I will carry to my grave, and if I believed in regret, I would regret doing it.

I've been doing a lot of drugs. And tons of drinking. Everything I've ever wanted to try I've tried. Weed, pills, blow... With whoever has it and wants to throw down. I love being fucked up. Forgetting my issues and feeling alive and happy. I know I need to get it from other places... Other things... But I can't right now. Everything is shrouded in grey flannel and until I shrug it off this is what I've chosen.

And I'm fat. I think the boyfriend prefers me like this, but I do not. I'm gross. I feel stretched and bloated and grotesque. All my clothes are a little bit tighter and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.

I've come to learn a lot about my ED over the past couple months. I feel like I understand why I was so intense in the past. And it's not gone by any means, but being with a man who is obsessed with my body when I feel like it looks bad is so comforting... He makes me feel so sexy for the first time in life. He thinks I am and it's a nice change. But I want to get to the point where I think I'm sexy.

So back to the grind for a while. No Mia this time. It's too hard on me. Makes my emotions rage and honestly my constant emotional turmoil that is already present currently in life would create a disaster. So Ana it is. 800 cal max for a bit. And workouts are soon to follow.

I know the quest for happiness is never ending. I just hope that everything I do gets me a little taste.

Think thin.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Moving on

I went out after work with Gerard. We talked about Bird. He tells me Bird was blabbing about how hot I am... I know to try to keep Gerard away from me.

Bird begs me Friday to come out with him alone. I can't. Not possible. I have a boyfriend... He drunk texts me later, saying he wants to marry me. I only talk for a few mins and abruptly end the convo.

Saturday I don't see him, and when he texts me I don't reply.

I plan on the same today.

Gerard warned me. I ignored it. He warned me again the other night, and I know if I ignore it this time, I'd really be fucking up.

It's hard. I thought about Bird a lot last night, but this attachment is not good or healthy and I honestly just need it to stop...

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Same ole

Made out with Bird again... This time after work in the parking lot in his girlfriend's car... While the skies dumped out rain and I felt like I was sexy.

We have a time limit... Its reached, and I get into my car and drive away. He calls me and says he's going to be thinking about me all night.

He's legitimately starting to like me. Asks me if we can do something together Friday. Asks me if he can take me on a day trip in a month.

I'm using him. For attention, alcohol, favors at work, and to feel desirable. He calls me a tease and lets me.

It's all becoming too much. He wants to fuck me more, and I want to fuck him less... But the attention is addicting.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Boys and booze

I've lost 5 pounds this week. Im feeling good again. More in control. It's weird how that aspect of my life so closely ties in with all the other aspects ad being in control of them too.

The bf and I are working things out, but not quickly enough... Other people and factors keep interfering.

Gerard and Bird are all over me lately.

I get wine drunk in the bubble bath and text Gerard bubbly risqué photos. Just wanting to be told how sexy I am. Needing the attention and validation because for some reason one boys approval is never enough.

I get drunk texts from Bird at 3am (drunk myself of course because I have basically replaced food with alcohol) and we end up talking on the phone for 2 hours. He tells me not to fall in love with him, that I'm amazing, that he wants to marry me... One poor soul as confused as my own which is why we're drawn to each other.

It's all nice. Exciting. Tempting. But all I want is what I already have. Just easier.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Sorting

Drove bird home from work the other day. He was nervous. He likes me, and I don't want that... They all do that.

We had a couple drinks, talked about work, kissed.

I left and went home to get really drunk and proceeded to tell the bf we may never be able to fix all the issues we have.

Yesterday we had a really rough morning. But it was good... We both expressed a lot of things we had been thinking but not saying. We went to lunch and got drunk.

I texted Bird and told him good luck with his impending convo with his ex, that I just want him to be happy. I meant it. But it was also to push him away. I don't want him. He's great but not for me. I want what I have.

The bf and I came home and got messed up-shrooms, ex, pot and continued drinking of course...

Then we were really talking. We both rambled on and on about what we had been thinking and feeling lately.

Nothing better than fucked up and venting.

It sounds ridiculous but it was healing. He really is a good guy. And really does love me.

I'm still giving myself time and space, but to be honest, right now I'm happy with him.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Still torn

Spent time with bird the other night... It was nice. Easy. Not amazing but I wasn't looking for amazing. Just comfortable. And it was.

He told me he wants to date me. That I have an amazing personality. That I'm gorgeous.

I got wasted and messed around with him a little but nothing really happened. We were both too drunk.

I don't want him. It was nice but I only did it out of boredom. Experimentation. Whatever.

I want my boyfriend. I just want him to be a better boyfriend and not have so much shit in his life I have to deal with.

He says in a few months things will be better. He's made changes. Tried. Made strides.

I'm just not sure.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Maintaining me

Vibrant me is becoming stifled again... How do I maintain her? Where is she?

I'm getting lost in fat and sorrow and poverty. So scared to lose the one thing in my life that makes daily life easier but also contemplating if maybe losing is is what would make my life as a whole better... I need some direction.

I'm starting to feel like I just want to be alone.

There for a while I felt amazing. Attractive and on top of things and like I had made the right decisions.

Now I question those decisions, feel grotesque in my own skin, and feel like I need that old feeling.

There's a certain sense of accomplishment you feel when you are dancing with the feeling of dying. When your stomach is only full of alcohol and your brain only full of drugs and ideals.

I need to take some steps to feel alive again... Regardless of where he goes or what he does.

Plan:
Work more
Save money
Get thin (always)
Study

I'm giving it about another month... Then we'll see... I might just need to be alone.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Ugh

I've taken a lot of liberties lately... Deleting anything I don't like... Pictures off his phone and lap top... Phone numbers, Facebook friends. I need to stop. But I feel justified...

The past needs to stay in the past. And honestly I feel like he's so desperate to move on and keep me he wont say anything.

I'm trying not to have double standards, but it's difficult... I know I need to let go of Bird... He's only going to cause problems... But the attention is so nice, and it makes me feel like I have a cure for my boredom and awful moods. Like I'm sexy and likable and worth paying attention to.

Plus now were friends, and that complicates it even more.

I hope when I get home I'm in a better mood today.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

We'll see

I understand so much more today, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I fucked up last night. He fucked up more.

Does everyone deserve a chance? Do people ever change?

Why can't I let GO of certain things? Why do I think I have the right to act crazy and nothing bad will happen?

I hit him first. Body slammed him onto the floor. I was angry. He wouldn't stop being fucked up, but how could he?

I should have walked away. I should have let it go til morning. I should have handled things differently so many times last night...

I'm not trying to justify his actions. I'm not saying we're staying together or that everything is fixable... I'm just saying I made mistakes. Mistakes that I won't make again.

Fucked

He beat me up.

What the fuck is my life now?

And what do I do?

He says he doesn't remember. He was too fucked up. He wasn't even supposed to be fucked up. He was supposed to love me as much as he says he does. He was supposed to keep his promises.

Instead he threw me against the coffee table. Threw me against the wall. Smashed my face into the couch and ground my body into the carpet.

Then he looks at my face like "what the fuck happened to you?" and cries and says it doesn't make sense... He would never do that.

But he did.

And I have to decide what to do now.

Where do I go from here??

Day 2 white week

We decide on a white week.

I spend the day eating because I don't know how to be sober anymore.

He leaves me at home and goes to play pool with his friends because he doesn't know how to be around me if we're not fucked up or fucking.

I text other people and cry to my mom.

Everyone says leave him. I know I probably should.

We fight via text, and I wish I had enough money to drive to my parents house overnight. I contemplate going to my guy BFFs house. I contemplate sleeping in my car somewhere. I contemplate doing a lot of things but instead just lie in bed and cry.

He texts me. He calls me. I ignore all of it. The last thing I say to him is "fuck it." I feel like I mean it way more than I have in the past... That feeling scares me.

I want to make myself throw up but it's been too long since I've eaten anything.

Will this ever be worth it? Or will he always continue to just not fucking get it?

Monday, August 13, 2012

My new life

It's been a long time since I darkened the halls of my blog...

My life is so different than it was a year ago, two years ago, a few months ago...My affair is my boyfriend. And my husband is my past. I'm filing papers this week to make my divorce official. And my lover has moved in to fill that spot.

I love him, but I think maybe that's a bad idea. I think we're bad for each other, and we've fucked things up too much between us in the not-so-distant past, but I don't know how to be alone.

If it's not him, it will be someone just like him because I'm not capable of being alone.

I drink a lot now. And do more drugs than ever before. Anything I can get my hands on.

And I have too many boys in my life.

My best guy friend attempts to booty call me, asks me for pictures... I say no that evening, but kiss him back on a drunken evening when no one else is around. I lay in his bed and let my thong show just a tad in the hopes that maybe he'll want to touch me so badly it'll make me feel alive. He doesn't. I feel relieved and realize I have an issue saying no to someone when they want me.

So many boys want me, and I don't understand why.

Then I push him away because he likes me too much. They all start doing that after a while. And I don't understand why. Can't they see I'm fucked up and that's a horrible idea?

I somehow became involved with my co-worker. He was supposed to be a fling. A one night stand like the couple others I had in the past few months when my boyfriend wasn't my boyfriend. But somehow we didn't hook up, and it all dragged on. He has a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend. We have an understanding and rules to the game we play. I send him photos of myself, we talk about fucking, but it never actually happens. I know I should let go of this, move on, be devoted to my boyfriend who professes his love for me daily, but I can't....

He's lied to be so much about so many things, so many girls, I don't even feel bad about my actions. I feel justified, and that's an awful way to feel in a relationship.

My soon-to-be-ex-husband still loves me, and that makes me feel the worst. I text him about small details on matters when I absolutely have to, but I tell him there's no chance of a relationship. He tells me he almost killed himself over me. My boyfriend laughs, I cry when he's not around. How could I do this to someone who loves me? How could I toss him away and pick up someone whom I may never trust?

I contemplate breaking it off, moving away, pursuing something I've always wanted... But I don't know what will make me happy. Or if anything will.

I feel stuck again. Maybe I always will. I want to feel something good for once, but I don't know if I can.

I feel like my relationship is built on a foundation of lies and mistrust. I don't believe most of what he tells me. And I'm not used to that. I'm used to the unending loyalty of a man I don't want. I think long and hard in the shower and when I'm sober, and I feel like it's inevitable that this will end.

I tell myself I will never marry again. Never have kids. That one day I will make something of my life, but I don't know if I'm capable of that. I will probably give in to whatever the other person wants like I always do.

I don't know how to make a good decision in life. I only make bad ones.

And I'm getting tired of the feelings of jealousy and mistrust. I'm getting tired of feeling like I'm fighting for something sometimes and wanting something else the rest of the time.


Sunday, April 15, 2012

Lighter

I weigh less than I have in over a year.

My body and soul are recovering.

My hubby and I are divorcing. He's moving away in a week.

For the first time I feel free.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Relationships and realizations

"Do you want to be in a relationship with me?"

No.

"Do you want to be in a relationship with me?"

No.

I have my answer but I'm having issues enforcing my decision.

It's so much easier to sit on the sidelines of my life and watch it happen to me.

The past week I've felt alive for the first time. I've stayed out late, felt the drunk of an empty stomach and a single beer, watched my weight drop because I feel like I honestly don't need food, laughed, talked, joked, and flirted like I don't think I ever have before. I've made someone jealous that had no right to be and held it over his head until his apologies flooded my phone. I've danced and sung and sped down the road in my car and screamed and yelled and talked dirty and slept very little, if at all.

I've felt in control. I've felt like I'm going to get and do what I want and like I deserve to be selfish.

I've felt happy, and I want that feeling to stay.

I'm tired of being a fat miserable married young person. I'm tired of letting people make my decisions and letting life happen to me.

I want to enjoy life. I want to grasp it and take it on head first.

I want to be happy. And the things that I thought made me happy before are no longer making me happy.

Now I just have to get over the fear. The fear that I can't move on. The fear that I can't do better or even good at all.

The fear that if I take life by the horns, I'll get trampled.

I won't get trampled. And it's time to face my fears.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Liking him

I like him.

I try not to. I don't too much, but I do. I like him.

He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel sexy. He makes me feel special. He makes me feel alive.

And he likes me too.

It's making me crazy. It's making my whole life complicated.

But it's making me happy. Genuinely happy.

But incredibly stressed.

I'm at a cross roads. Now I just have to choose my path. And honestly right now I want to choose to be alone.

I would like alone.


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Still unfolding

I realize my blog has become a mess of vague posts that are not related to my current weight or calories...

I apologize. I just have to get this shit out of my head somewhere, and this is all I have.

And this is all that's in my head lately.

I'm not caring. Not allowing myself too.

He is. Drunk texting me, breaking every rule, making me put my foot down, taking me to dinner and trying so hard not to stare at me the whole time.

He makes me feel so pretty. So sexy. He's sexy. And the fucking is fucking amazing.

Endless, sweaty, intense. Probably the best ever for me. And if he knew how few people were involved in this stat, he'd probably flip.

Or love it. I don't know anymore.

It seems like he wants more than to fuck me now. It seems like he genuinely likes me, and I don't know why.

How could anyone???

I know this can't go on forever. It's becoming too much already. I'd like to move on very soon and have this be something in my life that I look back on as a silly little fling that was hot while it lasted.

I want to think of riding in his car with his hand on my knee and the smell of cigars and sunshine. I want to think of old horror movies and horrible tacos and good music as a nice little fantasy.

I want this to become a thing of the past. A nice dream that it's time to wake up from.

Because it is time to wake up. I might be getting thinner and feeling more alive than ever, but I know this cannot go on like this. I will ruin everything, and ruining my life is not something I want to do.

It's already bad enough without this.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Dont want to care

He gets mad when I tell someone. Says he thought it was a secret.

Asks me not to talk about it anymore. Fuck. Him. I'll tell whomever whatever I want.

He says it's because she has a big mouth, that she'll tell everyone. Maybe, but I don't think that's the real reason.

I think it's because he wants to fuck her. My one good friend. He posts all over her face book to the point where I want to delete him. Anything I say is followed up by his posts. The two of them going back and forth.

Maybe she wants to fuck him too and I just happened to be first.

I don't think she ever would, especially not now, but the thought is haunting me. Even though she's told me how she's not into him before any of this shit happened you just never know.

Who knows. Maybe I'll be done now and he'll move on. I tell him the rules for texting me and he doesn't like them. I tell him I'll text him tomorrow but I have no plans to. I think it would be best if I didn't.

Because Im starting to care. Too much. Too quickly. Who cares if they fuck? In the grand scheme of my life these two people will mean so little to me I should not be bothered right now... But I am.

I don't want to care. I don't want to be emotional. I don't want to feel jealous or mad or annoyed. But I am.

And fuck it.

I may be a fucking wreck right now but one thing remains true:

I am the skinnier girl.


EDIT:

I confront. He blows up. He stops answering my texts.

We probably don't talk tomorrow. But like I said, that's probably best.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Thin rope snapped

What am I doing???

Excitement, newness, hands, shakes, scratches, games, strength, words, words, words...

Birdie that I work with is bulimic. But they don't want her.

They want me. Any piece of me they can have. As much or as little as I care to give.

They're just thankful.

I don't understand, and I don't want to.

I don't want to care that much. I don't want to have emotions.

I just want to magically have everything I want and be thinner than the thinnest.

I want it all.

EDIT:

Favorite game to lose.

I'm enjoying myself more than u think.

I may or may not ever hang out with you again/I hope you do.

This is not a date.

Is your question answered?

You should have kissed me sooner.

Let's play the question we played last night.

Disappointment in the eyes of the one who cannot talk to you for 24 hours.

Hands going further and further.

This won't be awkward will it?




Sunday, March 18, 2012

Fat and drunk

Here I sit again. Fat and drunk.

Guys at work want to fuck me. Several of them... More than two, but two are obvious about it. And if I were single I would do both of them.

I don't know why they want it so bad. I'm a fat gross cow while my other female coworkers get tan and thin for summer.

My husband freaks out because I'm going out too much after work with my coworkers and it reminds him of the past. Of Chevy.

I'm stupid. But I like the attention. The drama. I need it. But whyyyyyy?

I've never gotten over the time my hubby told me I was getting fat. And he's never gotten over the fact that I got involved with Chevy.

These two things are not good for our relationship because they lead me to be attracted to guys who pay me attention and him to freak out over it.

Fuck me. Why am I like this?

Why do I always want a Chevy?


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Lake day and losing.

Down another pound this morning. This is the lowest I've weighed in months, and it feels great.

Today is my ooonly day off from work for another week, and the hubby and I are going to the lake for the day. No breakfast and a ton of watermelon packed for lunch!

Bring on the sunshine.

Think thin, ladies.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

A little less

A little less every day.

A little less weight. A little less food. A little less hatred for my body.

I really want to go to the gym tomorrow, and I'm hoping I'll be well enough to do so. I still feel pretty sick, but I'm trying not to let it stop me from losing weight!

Today's planned eats:
Fish and veggies - 200 cals
Soup or salad - 50-100 cals
Tea biscuits - 150 cals
Total: 400-450 cals and some wiggle room.

Think thin ladies.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

2 pounds and a pounding headache


I'm down 2 pounds this morning.

It's so satisfying. Even though I'm sick, I feel the strength to continue and lose this weight. I just wish I didn't have to take antibiotics, because if I don't eat something really substantial with them I get sooo nauseous and will throw them up... Which just leads to being sick longer and not going to the gym!

I do not want to work tonight... But I need the money. I spent a lot more than planned this month on my birthday, ($100 on a new outfit!) and now I'm a but behind on my savings. I freaking hate money.

Well I need to run. Have a thin-tastic day all.

Planned eats:
Half a bagel with marmalade and oj - 230 cals
Salad at work - 150 cals
Tea and biscuits - 120 cals
Total: 500 cals

Monday, February 27, 2012

Sick and going out



I would just like to start out by saying I hate Crystal Renn. She's in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition this year... The girl who wrote a book about how being fat is ok!? Her yo-yo career annoys the piss out of me...

But anyway...

I'm fucking sick. Whyyy every time I get my motivation back do I get some kind of fucking virus and end up practically bed-ridden!?

I went out last night with some girls I work with to dinner and mia'd. It's amazing how quickly and easily I fall back into it... I should have ordered a salad like Kitty did. Even Dani ate something healthy. I, on the other hand, shamefully ordered something I could easily yack, got drunk, and came home and ate tortilla chips and ice cream.

This morning I'm down a bit. I plan on 500 cals today and resting as much as possible so I can get better and get back to the gym.

Interesting thing last night... During our conversations throughout the evening I found out a girl I work with is bulimic. This is going to sound sick, but I was elated at this info. In fact I was sitting at the table listening to Kitty talking about her and I was thinking, "I hope it's not registering on my face how much this is intriguing me."

The girl is gorgeous. I mean truly amazingly beautiful and super thin. And hearing that she's like that... I felt a surge of hope. Sick, I know.

But... That's me.

Sick.

Think thin, ladies.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Time to be happy


I don't know what to do with myself...

I thought I had it together... My birthday is what fucked it up.

I thought, "I'm getting too old for this. I need to stop the ED behavior... I need to eat like a normal person."

I can't.

I started crying on the drive to work yesterday. Tears streaming down my face for no apparent reason.

I'm unhappy.

Very very very unhappy, and I've been trying to look on the bright side of things for MONTHS. Trying to think and feel like, "Well at least my bills are paid. At least I have an amazing husband who loves me. At least I have a goal and dream I know I can achieve."

But it's not enough.

I want to be thin, and no matter how old I get or how much everything else in my life is going okay, I will not be happy until I am.

The plan: (And yes, I know I'm often planning and rarely achieving.)
Lose weight. A lot of weight. Soon.
No adderall.
500 cals max per day.
Workout 3x per week.

Today's planned intake:
B: Tea - 0 cals.
L: Salad at work - 150 cals.
D: Soup when I get home - 150 cals.
Total: 300 cals.

Tomorrow I will up to 500 and throw in a workout.

It's time. It's time to be happy.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Losing but not fast enough


Yesterday:
B: Addy and a workout: burned 400 cals.
L: Egg whites, whole grain bread, little potato, naked juice: 400 cals.
D: Random shit. - mia'd.
Total: who knows.

This morning I'm back down a pound... It's still not low enough and when I see the actual number every morning it's hard to be happy about my 5 pound weight loss in less than a week, because I still have SO far to go.

And I want to be there NOW.

I want to lose about 7 pounds by the end of the month... I know I can. I just need to stay calm and not eat.

Auuugh I need to clean my house and I have zeroooo motivation.

Maybe an addy this morning?

Oh and for those who were asking... I buy them off the black market. Ha ha! From a girl I used to work with... Her boyfriend is a pill pusher.

Think thin, ladies!

126

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Fucking sandwich


I ate a sandwich last night when I got off work and now this morning I gained!?

From one fucking sandwich, I'm up a pound. I was down a pound yesterday and now I'm right back up.

Lesson learned.

Today and tomorrow, the menu is addy and naked juice. ONLY. And a decent workout.

I'll get down to where I want to be if it kills me.

Saturday morning will show me a lighter number, and I will NOT gain it back.

No more "normal" meals.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Cold weather and slight plateau


My motivation is always lower when it's cold, and today it is freeeezing. I always want to eat and eat and eat on cold days, and I know it's because my body wants more fat to stay warm.

Sorry body. I don't agree.

Haven't lost anything since yesterday, but I weighed in pre-BM, and I didn't gain an ounce, so I'm not too concerned... I just need to stay super motivated today and not eat anything overboard... My body will start releasing the weight again...

I've had a salad with chicken for 250 cals so far today, and I'm planning an apple while at work (and NOTHING else!) and then some tea when I get home to warm me up and keep me satisfied and not eating.

Tomorrow I plan to take an addy, get a workout in first thing in the morning and then consume very little food... Like possibly only a naked juice all day. I've been going light on the addy lately, and it's been easy, so I know I can do without them if I really want to.

Well, off to get a shower and warm up my bones.

Think thin, ladies.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Losing and feeling motivated


I've been doing reeeeally well.

I went out for New year, overdid it a bit, but recovered...

Yesterday I decided to have a higher intake day simply because I know my body and my metabolism has a tendency to slow a bit after not eating much for several days... I was scared to weigh in this morning, but I was actually DOWN half a pound.

Thank GOD.

I'm staying SO motivated. I took the brother to the lake today and we jogged around it and did some resistance and balance exercises as well. Burned a lot of calories, and my arms HURT. But the pain feels great...

I want to feel skinny and fit at the end of this month when the hubby and I go on our weekend. And I have a long way to go... I'd like to lose at least 7 by then. I know I can... It's only a matter if determination.

Today I would LIKE to not eat anything, but we'll see how it goes. I have to cook dinner later so I may have to... I also have some edamame in the freezer so I may just stick to that.

Tues thru Sat I have decided to be suuuper dedicated while I'm at work... It might be rough, but I'm on such a high right now. The weight is dropping off, and I'm so excited to see it go. I bought soups, naked juices, and veggies and fruit and I'm going to stick to it!

I'm going to ride this motivation balloon into the sky.

Thank thin, ladies.