Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Still unfolding

I realize my blog has become a mess of vague posts that are not related to my current weight or calories...

I apologize. I just have to get this shit out of my head somewhere, and this is all I have.

And this is all that's in my head lately.

I'm not caring. Not allowing myself too.

He is. Drunk texting me, breaking every rule, making me put my foot down, taking me to dinner and trying so hard not to stare at me the whole time.

He makes me feel so pretty. So sexy. He's sexy. And the fucking is fucking amazing.

Endless, sweaty, intense. Probably the best ever for me. And if he knew how few people were involved in this stat, he'd probably flip.

Or love it. I don't know anymore.

It seems like he wants more than to fuck me now. It seems like he genuinely likes me, and I don't know why.

How could anyone???

I know this can't go on forever. It's becoming too much already. I'd like to move on very soon and have this be something in my life that I look back on as a silly little fling that was hot while it lasted.

I want to think of riding in his car with his hand on my knee and the smell of cigars and sunshine. I want to think of old horror movies and horrible tacos and good music as a nice little fantasy.

I want this to become a thing of the past. A nice dream that it's time to wake up from.

Because it is time to wake up. I might be getting thinner and feeling more alive than ever, but I know this cannot go on like this. I will ruin everything, and ruining my life is not something I want to do.

It's already bad enough without this.

3 comments:

  1. Try to think more positively and enjoy it while it lasts - nothing is forever and it will only last if you want it to :) you have te power to choose how it ends or even if it ends, so don't worry about what might happen or how you might fuck it up, focus on what will happen and what you have decided for here and now :) enjoy how he makes you feel and don't be scared of him liking you - you deserve it because you are lovely :)
    Lottie x

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  2. If you cherish what you have with your husband you should end it. I know it's nice to be made to feel beautiful and special but it may not be worth it. And if you do decide to end it there is no half way or it won't work. You'd have to totally stone wall him. Well, hope you do the right thing for yourself.

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  3. i feel like, we race through the motions of life, without really living, we only live through Ana, and for some of us,our madness...maybe it will end, maybe tomorrow, maybe a week or months from now...maybe you will think of riding in his car with his hand on your knee and the smell of cigars and sunshine...as a thing of the past...but its-not yet the past...live in the present.x

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