Hate life - wanna call out

Everything is too much work lately. I can get like 80% of things done. I wish it were 100. My fucking eye is twitching as I type this - it’s been twitching for over a week rn. Like, wtf body… what are you trying to tell me with your winks?? I don’t speak eyeball, ffs or know Morse code… 

So much in my head all the time lately. Idk what to do with it all. I just end up overwhelmed and disassociated and trying to act like I didn’t just spend a long time ignoring life’s existence when my husband comes home. Like I didn’t just focus on my eating disorder instead of my kid for the past several hours. Subconscious bs?

I need to talk about that in therapy. Friday. 

I’m just really not cut out for any of this… This was not the plan. It would have never been the plan, because I would have been like, “no freaking way; that’s too hard…” if I got to choose. I would never have chosen all this. 

It feels like I bargained with God, and some of the deals we made were not in my best interest. Like monopoly. Like trying to get land to build hotels on made me accept bad trades. And sure, I got the hotels, because I got that land, and every once in a while, a hotel pays off, but all in all, I would have probably done better holding onto parcels everywhere… or not playing... 

I wonder if I had married someone else if I would still speak to my parents. I wonder if I would have an autistic kid. I wonder if I would look this ugly. I wonder if I would struggle this much financially. I wonder where I would live and who my friends would be and if I would ever get to shop or travel… I wonder if I would be so depressed and on so many meds. I wonder what my house would look like, what car I would drive, if I would drink a lot… I wonder if I would hate myself this much...It’s weird tho that in every single potential path in my mind of those scenarios shifting that my job does not. That’s the only thing I know I would have kept regardless. 

I can never have any of those other paths.  Life is so fucking weird. It’s like, fixed. Rigged. Predetermined, for sure. Why do we have to play it all out?? It’s just fucking annoying to exist. 

In other news, back on a diet for a girl's weekend that I really hope it fun and not a colossal waste of time and/or money. I can't afford it, but I'm forcing it, and since I make more money, my husband can't refuse. 

My mom texted Niki. I've had her blocked. IDK wtf, but I don't have any mental space for any of it anyway. I just want to be home... I'm cold and tired and sad. 

I fucking hate life. 

The Mountains & Misery

I miss the mountains. They are calling to me lately. In the winter, my soul aches to see them. To feel icy air, hear rushing water, taste frost on the wind... I wish I could afford a trip. I wish someone could take care of my kid while I went on one. I wish I could pop off for a day and hike and take it all in for a moment. 

I'm so depressed... I started to type "lately," but I think it's just forever. I wish I knew what life felt like without this. 

I wish my husband and I could have a life that wasn't so much work, wasn't so hard, and was a little more peaceful with a little more fun. This weekend was so nice, but so short-lived. I need money. I just every day keep needing money, and I don't know what to do about it. I have dreams where I get a second job. I have nightmares that bills are due. Every day is deciding what to pay and being behind and saying "once I get caught up," but that day never comes. Maybe it does one day...

I'm tired of dreaming about my family. I'm tired of thinking about them. I'm tired of worrying about my brother and knowing how much victim-mentality-induced pain my parents must be in. I'm tired of keeping my mom blocked, not giving out my address, and making my husband screen my dad's texts, which he's not even fucking good at. I wish they would all die and leave my dreams in peace. I can't even take a supplement without knowing they will end up in my dreams... 

Me and food have been struggling lately. I'm trying to eat moderately and not weigh myself for a couple weeks and see what happens. The disorder behavior has been terrible. It's all extremes of not eating and then eating like fucking absolute shit. My binging and purging has been through the roof, and I have stayed at the same weight for two months... Clearly the disordered mia life of a tumblr girl is not resulting in weight-loss. Big shocker there... Maybe if I'm a little less extreme, I'll have a result. I'm scared I won't. I'm scared I've fucked up my metabolism so badly in my youth that if I eat normally, I will gain or just stay at this weight that I'm not happy with and I will just be fat forever. BUT, I'm finally well enough to use my rowing machine and will be doing so this evening for approximately 15 minutes. 

I'm really fucking stressed today. About one of my clients, about money, about my car, about what my boss might think of me, about what mistakes I know I must be making, about fucking up and disappointing everyone around me by just existing. 

I remember when in group once, they asked all of us "what is your biggest fear," and I said "disappointing people who care about me." I'm not scared of death, not really. I'm not scared of pain, trauma, abuse, rape... I'm not scared of people I love dying, because I know if they die before me, they never have to suffer the pain of losing me, and I am willing to bear that instead. And I don't think I'm really scared of disappointing those who love me - I did it. I used to be scared of disappointing my parents. But then I did it. And yeah, it sucks on the daily, but it was fated. There was no other outcome other than disappointing them, because they placed unachievable expectation on me and my life. I was not supposed to be anyone's purpose in life. I don't want that and didn't ask for it. I would have chosen not to be born... 

Now what am I afraid of? Very little still. But I'm scared of my baby suffering... I hope I outlive my youngest baby... I'm scared of him having a life of daily pain. Trapped in a group home with a resentful person taking care of him. I know I have moments when I snap, and I actually love him. I'm scared of people who don't love him being responsible for him. I'm scared of no one being there to take care of my disabled little child who doesn't deserve anything bad in the world. I'm scared of people taking advantage of him or doing unspeakable things to him. Right now it's so easy to protect him. I can do it simply. I pick him up, hug him, splash him in the bathtub, go for rides in the car, sing and dance with him... I keep him under supervision and close by. But what happens when he wants to do things that aren't safe? Will I even be able to prevent it? 

Did I do this? Did I invite this into my life by being afraid of nothing? Then I was given the most intense thing to fear that anyone could...