Hate life - wanna call out

Everything is too much work lately. I can get like 80% of things done. I wish it were 100. My fucking eye is twitching as I type this - it’s been twitching for over a week rn. Like, wtf body… what are you trying to tell me with your winks?? I don’t speak eyeball, ffs or know Morse code… 

So much in my head all the time lately. Idk what to do with it all. I just end up overwhelmed and disassociated and trying to act like I didn’t just spend a long time ignoring life’s existence when my husband comes home. Like I didn’t just focus on my eating disorder instead of my kid for the past several hours. Subconscious bs?

I need to talk about that in therapy. Friday. 

I’m just really not cut out for any of this… This was not the plan. It would have never been the plan, because I would have been like, “no freaking way; that’s too hard…” if I got to choose. I would never have chosen all this. 

It feels like I bargained with God, and some of the deals we made were not in my best interest. Like monopoly. Like trying to get land to build hotels on made me accept bad trades. And sure, I got the hotels, because I got that land, and every once in a while, a hotel pays off, but all in all, I would have probably done better holding onto parcels everywhere… or not playing... 

I wonder if I had married someone else if I would still speak to my parents. I wonder if I would have an autistic kid. I wonder if I would look this ugly. I wonder if I would struggle this much financially. I wonder where I would live and who my friends would be and if I would ever get to shop or travel… I wonder if I would be so depressed and on so many meds. I wonder what my house would look like, what car I would drive, if I would drink a lot… I wonder if I would hate myself this much...It’s weird tho that in every single potential path in my mind of those scenarios shifting that my job does not. That’s the only thing I know I would have kept regardless. 

I can never have any of those other paths.  Life is so fucking weird. It’s like, fixed. Rigged. Predetermined, for sure. Why do we have to play it all out?? It’s just fucking annoying to exist. 

In other news, back on a diet for a girl's weekend that I really hope it fun and not a colossal waste of time and/or money. I can't afford it, but I'm forcing it, and since I make more money, my husband can't refuse. 

My mom texted Niki. I've had her blocked. IDK wtf, but I don't have any mental space for any of it anyway. I just want to be home... I'm cold and tired and sad. 

I fucking hate life.