I feel like a different person lately. And I'm not sure if it's good or bad. The prozac has been amazing aside from one single side-effect... I am having more difficulty orgasming. I've even faked it twice this week, which I think I've only done with the hubby like twice overall in the past. It just wasn't going to happen, and I know if he knows I'm struggling in that department, he will tell me to stop taking it.
Which I'm not about to do. It makes me feel amazing.
The doc said if I keep having issues, we can try Wellbutrin in a couple months. She upped my dose, but I'm not sure I want that. I have to find balance between the benefits and side-effects. Not easy.
Plus, part of me thinks in the back of my mind that we're going to start trying to have a baby after not too much longer, and I don't want to be on any meds for that. So, I need to determine what I want to do.
Right now, I want to take it. Low dose. And I want to get off the benzos. And I want to stop taking the Prozac once we are a few months away from baby.
The benzos is hard. I have woken up like 2am every night I haven't taken them. I think the Prozac is making me a little "up" and then I am struggling to get back down at the end of the day. It's like I run a marathon all day. I don't know if the energy is excessive or just what I should have when I'm not so fucking depressed. I don't know what normal is, but I feel good lately.
Even my sex drive is up, but I can't get off once we get going. Well, I can, but it takes SO MUCH EFFORT. I've always been a difficult one in that category to begin with, but lately it's like wtf no.
Anyway...
Weight is still dropping. I gained a little on vacation from sitting in the car for 4 days and eating crap, but now that I'm home, I think that's gone also. I am going to weigh in tomorrow morning. I want to lose weight before we start getting baby-ready. I need to start exercising again, which I feel like I could actually do lately...
IDK, it's nice to feel good. I haven't felt good in so long.
The only thing that kind of sucks still is my lack of a social life.
And I legit miss drinking, dude. Like a lot. I went to bed early on New Year's because I was so tired from our vacation. I was awakened at 12:04pm by my neighbors having a party and shooting off fireworks. The baby and hubby slept straight through them. I laid there listening to people being young and wild and free and drunk. And I was insanely jealous.
I miss parties. I miss drinking. I miss rambling and laughing and flirting and feeling pretty and young. I miss my youth. I guess all people do at some point. But I think I gave up a lot of it when I chose to be with my husband. There was only one option for how our lifestyle had to look, and it made me grow up instantly. Then we threw a baby in the mix. I feel old. I feel bored a lot.
I recognize there is merit and value to our lifestyle. And I don't miss all the parts of how we used to live. But some nights, I wish I could be someone else just for an evening.
