Sunday, April 15, 2012

Lighter

I weigh less than I have in over a year.

My body and soul are recovering.

My hubby and I are divorcing. He's moving away in a week.

For the first time I feel free.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Relationships and realizations

"Do you want to be in a relationship with me?"

No.

"Do you want to be in a relationship with me?"

No.

I have my answer but I'm having issues enforcing my decision.

It's so much easier to sit on the sidelines of my life and watch it happen to me.

The past week I've felt alive for the first time. I've stayed out late, felt the drunk of an empty stomach and a single beer, watched my weight drop because I feel like I honestly don't need food, laughed, talked, joked, and flirted like I don't think I ever have before. I've made someone jealous that had no right to be and held it over his head until his apologies flooded my phone. I've danced and sung and sped down the road in my car and screamed and yelled and talked dirty and slept very little, if at all.

I've felt in control. I've felt like I'm going to get and do what I want and like I deserve to be selfish.

I've felt happy, and I want that feeling to stay.

I'm tired of being a fat miserable married young person. I'm tired of letting people make my decisions and letting life happen to me.

I want to enjoy life. I want to grasp it and take it on head first.

I want to be happy. And the things that I thought made me happy before are no longer making me happy.

Now I just have to get over the fear. The fear that I can't move on. The fear that I can't do better or even good at all.

The fear that if I take life by the horns, I'll get trampled.

I won't get trampled. And it's time to face my fears.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Liking him

I like him.

I try not to. I don't too much, but I do. I like him.

He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel sexy. He makes me feel special. He makes me feel alive.

And he likes me too.

It's making me crazy. It's making my whole life complicated.

But it's making me happy. Genuinely happy.

But incredibly stressed.

I'm at a cross roads. Now I just have to choose my path. And honestly right now I want to choose to be alone.

I would like alone.