My life seems so stressful lately and like I have a million things going on... Namely because I do, I guess... It's taking a toll, and my anxiety bouts are pretty bad when they happen. This week I've had a couple that I could barely control. I get so crazy and angry, and don't know how to handle myself at all... I know I have a real issue, and strangely enough this is the first time in my life that I've recognized it. It's something that's ALWAYS plagued me, for as long as I can remember, but it's only now in life that I can see it for what it is... A touch of my mom... Her depression and anxiety and craziness that I dealt with my whole life-some of it is in me. But the difference is I recognize it. I fight it. And I will never let her demons control my life like they did hers or my cousins or my uncles. I will rise above in my life, and I know it.
Even though I've been under a ton of stress, I feel much more in control of my bouts these days. And the boyfriend has gotten better at handling me when I'm like that. He still falls short, and we still argue, but I've come to realize when it's just ME and he's come to realize it as well. We're getting mentally healthier together, and it's been a long road, but for the first time I have true hope for our future. I feel like we have a ton of love and also that we are learning to make things work. The balance is blissful. This week he was so patient, and when I had my episode, he simply held on. He listened when I vented and didn't take it too personally. He listened when I said his comments were getting to me, and he noticed and stepped up when I was showing that I was overwhelmed. He didn't throw a tantrum; he gave me space, and I recognized that I needed the space, distanced myself to reflect, and didn't take it out on him. When I finally came back down, he saw the moment, kissed me, and said "There's my girl! She's back." And while we giggled about it and I sheepishly apologized for my sour mood, I'm both happy and saddened that he would say such a thing... It's bittersweet in so many ways.
This week I had anxiety for two full days. I could feel it, but I was having an issue getting it back to the point where I was ME again. I was simply overwhelmed and overworked and was not getting enough rest, and I cracked. It's weird because I can handle myself at work and in public. I can drag myself through the obligations that I have, but my sparkle isn't there and people notice. People make comments about how I'm "not myself," and the kids ask me a lot of questions about how I'm "feeling" and stay quiet when I retreat to my room to be alone. It's sad to me that I retreat to my bed. That's exactly what my mother has always done, and as a kid it upset me so deeply because I knew when she was closed up in there in the dark that it meant she was sad.
It's funny how now I recognize my episodes for what they are now and find ways to handle things. I've basically embraced that this is who I am and have learned to deal with it instead of freaking out like I have in the past. I used to look for the root "issue" of what was making me worry and stress and blame it on a person or thing. Now I just focus on the fact that it's me. It's my own horrid crushing anxiety taking over my brain and thoughts and putting me in a mental place where I don't want to be. A place where every problem is unsolvable, every mountain is too tall, and nothing I do will ever be good enough. A place where the world is full of obstacles and deadlines and people that hate me and there is really nothing to smile about. But now I tell myself there is plenty to smile about. I pray and meditate and figure out what my mind needs. I talk to people who love me, I make jokes, and I set myself realistic deadlines. I contemplate what I have to do, and I do it. My mood catches up eventually, and when it won't, I medicate with weed. That's the only thing that makes me a little disappointed in myself is the weed. It helps me mentally, but I don't want to be dependent on a drug to calm myself. And when I don't smoke, I am definitely physically healthier, which is always a goal... I'm planning on cutting out the weed beginning January 1, namely because I will have other mental and financial obligations that I need to focus on at the point.
I got into graduate school. In January, I will start classes to earn my masters degree... Me... Who would ever have thought? And I feel at this point like I'm being given a huge new opportunity to fix every problem I created from 2006-the present. I want to go through school without smoking weed. I want to be able to balance my job and classes and family and friends and have it all and do it well. I think I am capable. I know it will be difficult, but I have never been so willing to put in the work it will require to make my life better.
Three short years, and I can have a job that helps people, financially makes sense, and provides stability to start a real family with the boyfriend.
All I have to do is find balance and make the things happen that I want to happen. All I have to do is not get overwhelmed and focus on my goals. It seems so simple, but I know it will be a challenge. It's simply a challenge that I will have to overcome.
My weight was down 3 pounds this morning, even with my botched birth control intake this week and hormonal swings and a huge bloated belly all day.
Only about 300 pounds left to go...
I'm so fat right now I don't know what goal to even set as a goal weight... I just want to keep losing until my glorious collarbones return and my back rolls are replaced with ribs. I'll get there, but it feels like such a long road...
It's time. It's past time actually... I'm disgusting. I can't image my naked body turning anyone on... Or the clothed one for that matter...
But it still seems to... And that makes it so extremely hard to be good. Especially when someone is cute and attentive and tells me I can have whatever I want. That's such a temptation for someone like me.
The other night was so annoyingly difficult, but I'm proud of myself. I didn't look to the past, and I didn't start something messy to occupy the future... I just let the present be what it was and held to my convictions. I don't want to feel bored, but I don't want to feel guilty even more. I do still love the crazy boy, no matter what he decides this month, and I want us to figure things out and be truly genuinely happy together. I know I'll ruin that if I ever try to branch out, and I know it. I've just been lucky in the past.
He is adorable though. And he wanted to hug me tonight... Sunday is probably going to be annoying.
Let's just hope by then that I'm even thinner.
Mm, I just got a hunger pang... My favorite feeling before bed. I've missed that feeling. Time to drift off to sleep and let my body shave off a little more of itself.
My cousin Nina OD'd on heroine. Two days ago. I can't stop crying.
I am so depressed. Not because I was that close to her or knew her that well as adults... It's because I know I could be her if I let myself. She is a mere handful of decisions away from where I sit here now. Our lives have been different in many ways, but a part of me understands how she came to be, and how she came to pass away. I know what it is like to have a sadness so deep that you would do anything to rid yourself of it. She had simply tried different ways than I to rid herself of that sadness.
I have a photo of us when we were very young; I was 3 and she was 4... We are at my grandmother's house and probably fresh out of the bath, because I faintly remember how she would watch us and bathe us together and how much we loved it... We were close then and we loved each other. I remember how much we loved each other... I assume we were freshly bathed in the photo because we are each wrapped in a huge towel and standing next to each other. Nina is shrieking with delight in the photo, leaning forward, mouth and eyes open with a huge smile, while I apprehensively hang back, still smiling, but slightly awkward. We were so innocent, but you can already see how we would each turn out... She always shone brighter than me. Always took in more of life with less apprehension. She was a shooting star, and anyone who knew her knew that about her. She was fearless, and I always wanted to be more like her, but I felt so different from her and envied her lack of trepidation. I now realize that in many ways we were exactly the same.
These thoughts of her tragedy and our likeness has made my depression overwhelming today, gluing me to my safe haven of a home and forcing me to push everything else aside. I left work early and sent the boyfriend off with the car so that I could be completely alone in my sorrow. I tried to be a normal human today - tried to go to work, tried to have sex with my boyfriend, tried to talk to several loved ones, tried to eat "normally," but I couldn't do any of those things properly... Instead I have spent the day ignoring responsibilities, pushing away the outside world, and camping on my couch with tears ever-present in the corners of my eyes, simply waiting for the smallest cue to tumble down my cheeks. I have been rendered completely useless and my own usual morbid guilt and paranoia is not even enough to motivate me into action today. I always holeup when depression strikes, and today it struck me so hard I felt worried for the first time in a long time.
My cousin Nina was so beautiful and amazing, and it's such a waste for her to be gone... She was sarcastic and tough and always so cool... I remember how she was when we were young, with her redrum candles, Chuckie doll, and Eminem CD... I was so jealous that she had edgy stuff that made our grandmother uncomfortable, but we didn't care because, though we loved her, none of us really liked our grandmother. Nina frequently made horribly mean but hilarious jokes behind her back that would cause the rest of us fits of uncontrollable giggles. I remember her middle school graduation photos and how grown up she looked standing in a group of girls who were very pretty and obviously popular. I was so envious of her perfect frame and how she got to go clothes shopping unchaperoned and unsupervised. I knew she smoked cigarettes and drank and went to parties and hung out with boys, and I was both thrilled and horrified by these prospects.
She could have had anything in life. She was that kind of girl back then. Headstrong and able and intelligent.
What happened?? How did she get so lost?? How do I make sure I don't get that lost??
The boyfriend broke up with me. I don't know why or what the fuck made him have a meltdown, but he totally did. He lost it. The old crazy him came out, and after a 17 hour work day, he screamed at me, broke things, went out and drank, came home at 3am and barely slept. The next morning he changed all his passwords and blocked everyone I know on Facebook. He told me we are definitely done and of course accused me of running to a backup man. Then once I started to get super pissed off and basically told him I'm out, he started to do the usual thing where he tries to suck up a little one second and the next sarcastically says how much better off we will be. I think a lot of this behavior comes from the fact that he has literally barely been sleeping, and I honestly have no idea what he's going to want once he gets some sleep and has a moment of clarity. I'm not even sure if it matters... But as of right now the ball is pretty much in his court. And I have no idea what I will do if he puts it back in mine.
I want to throw up thinking about it. I love him. So much. I don't want to break up but he's so unhealthy mentally I don't know what to do. I literally don't know what the FUCK to do anymore with him. We've been through this so many times over the past two years, but I just love him so much and only him that I don't know how to handle anything.
I realize the problem is not actually me and that he doesn't hate me, but that doesn't make his behavior ok. His job is sucking away his sanity, not seeing his kids is breaking his heart, and when he should be focusing on us and how we can help each other through things, he instead gets annoyed with everything and uses me to release frustration on. It's not fair to me, and I have too much self respect to tolerate it.
I wish he would just have a breakthrough that sticks. I wish he knew how to love someone properly. I have no doubt that he loves me, but he's such a mess... He doesn't know how to love anyone the right way; not even his own family or kids.
I haven't heard anything from him since noon yesterday. It's heart wrenching. Especially since I know he's probably spending a majority of the time getting wasted... I went by the house (drove by) last night after work to see if he went out, and he didn't. He was just home. I honestly don't even think he has any friends these days he could go out with. He went to the bar alone the other day... He used to frequently when we first met and his alcoholism was severe. I just hope that he's actually getting some sleep while I'm gone. He has 3 days off which is why I went to Jenn's. I couldn't handle the tension and his crazy back and forth, telling me he doesn't want to talk to me at all one second and asking me if we can have sex and trying to make me laugh the next. I don't get him, and I honestly don't think he even knows what he wants or what to do with himself.
I want him to wake up. Stop his destructive behavior and have a realization that he needs to figure out how to be happy. It's not even out of a selfish place. Even if we we are not together, I honestly hope he figures out how to be happy.
I want to be happy too... He makes me happy when he's not acting crazy. Even when he is crazy half the time. But lately I feel like he's not sold on us, and I can't handle the insecurity of wondering if he will just up and leave after one of his breakdowns in the future.
I'm hoping this doesn't follow the same pattern but I'm also hoping it does. It's probably sick. Normally after no more that around 48 hours of no contact he will contact me and tell me he loves me or misses me or whatever. He will ask if we can meet or talk. He will tell me he's going to fix things and apologize and then he will be good for months or whatever until he has another breakdown. He's not stable.
How do you love and unstable man?
I'm going to camp on Friday, so the current plan is to stay at Jenn's the next couple nights, go to camp for a couple nights, and if I haven't heard anything from him by Sunday when camp is over, I'll just spend another night at Jenn's. Then Monday while he's at work, I can go home. I'm hoping this reaches some kind of resolution that doesn't make me have to stay away from my own home for days on end... If he doesn't contact me by Sunday, it will be clear it's over. It will have been the longest he's ever gone without speaking to me, and I'll know it's time to end it. Right now I'm unsure if it's time to end it, but I suspect it might be regardless of future contact. But like I said, at the moment the ball is in his court and I just need to focus on what I need to do and not freak out.
He payed me rent for the first and said he's staying at least the month of August. It's all such a mess... I'm completely overwhelmed with the situation, and a thousand "what ifs" are coursing through my head. A million scenarios with a million different outcomes. I don't have any control over this, and all I really want to do is run home and throw myself at him and beg him to love me...
I just want to be with the person I love in the right way... Why is it so hard for him to love me the right way??
I'm getting ready to take my exam for grad school in 9 days. I really only want to have to take it once because it's expensive as shit, but I guess we will have to see how it goes... I'm so far removed from school that I am stressed over what the outcome will be, but taking it is the first step and that's what really matters I guess...
Studying for it makes me feel old, and my current weight makes me feel totally obese. I need to get this exam under control and then get my weight under control via working out way more.
I have about 15lbs to lose at the moment, and then I'll feel satisfied.
In other news, the boyfriend and I are doing really well. My relationship with him has opened my eyes in so many ways. I'm a psycho, and he's a mess as well, and our relationship has been so messy. We are both emotional and stubborn and struggle with responsibilities. But damn I love him. He makes me feel so beautiful even when I shouldn't. He makes me feel understood and loved in spite of my flaws. I absolutely adore him. I want to marry him, and I never even felt that way about my husband.
I'm having an angry day. Hating myself. Hating my life. Hating everything and everyone. Not the best day to have the kids and responsibilities... Meal time with the little one tonight just about became world war three...
I dont know what makes me this way, but I have a feeling my current weight isn't helping...I stepped on the scale today and saw one of the biggest numbers I've seen in a long time.
I have GOT to get this shit under control. Twenty pounds or so under control.
It's so disappointing and I know I have such a long way to go - it's disheartening.
So the plan: starve for a week and then re weigh. Today was good. I ate ok and I have groceries in the house to help me get through this week.
I'm tired of feeling this way and hating my body. I don't want to have what I had before. I want to be sexy. I want to be happy.
I worked the first half of my day, clocked out for break and never went back. It's been a week now. They called me twice, and I've gotten dozens of texts from coworkers, but I tell them all the same thing: I just could not force myself to work there another moment. I don't know why, really. I mean, I know my reasons for not wanting to work there, but why I reached that point on that exact day is a little inexplicable... Nothing crazy or awful really happened; I was just fed up. I think part of it was honestly to test my relationship with the boyfriend. He's making enough money to support us, and while I knew it'd be tight, I knew all the bills would get paid this month. I think I needed to see how he would react. How our relationship would work with this scenario. It's never been the case, and I needed to know if his newfound chivalry was an actuality.
So far, he has been spectacular. It's almost too good to be true, but he makes me so very happy. Happier than anything else ever has. All I want is to grow old together, have a home and a family and jobs that don't suck. But honestly, I would be happy if we never achieved any of that as well. As long as we have each other to rely on and our needs met, I don't need anything more from him. He completes me in a way no one else ever has. And he's letting me sit home all day and not asking a thing of me, which is pretty sweet...
The only bad part of being home all day is the complete and utter boredom that has set in after a week... My brain won't shut off, and I have been having low and high moods almost daily as well. I think a lot of my depression tendencies are related to my activity level in life. When I hole up and don't do as much, I start to get a little crazier than usual. I'll be daydreaming one second and crying be next. The boyfriend has been working a ton of hours too, and we are basically completely broke til he gets his paycheck in a couple more days... Being out of money means being out of drugs, so I've been handling most of the emotional roller coaster I've been on the past weekcompletely sober.
Sober and alone with nothing to do is normally a horrible combination for my emotional state. Normally b&ps start, I look for anyone around to pay attention to me, self destructive behaviors start up, etc. This time, I've noticed I'm not that bad. I've been teetering on the edge of these behaviors, but I haven't actually engaged in any, and I'm pretty proud of that.
Not having saved Bogs' number when he texted me has prevented a few slipups, I'm sure. I dreamed about him last night. That we were sitting in the woods chatting and laughing. It was such a calm and peaceful dream. He always made me feel that way... Our time together was so effortless. He expected nothing from me except the truth about who I was and my feelings, we made each other laugh, and he understood and appreciated me. I miss our friendship. I wish there was some way we could still be friends, but the boyfriend would never go for that, and understandably so. I would never want a reverse situation, and since I'm trying out this whole "being good all the time" thing, I would never maintain any kind of relationship behind his back.
When I think about the decision to let Bogs go and be dedicated to the boyfriend, I know I made the right one, the adult one, but it still doesn't make it any easier to let go of a good friend. It's so hard to find people that genuinely make you feel good when you spend time with them, and it's kind of a shame to lose that.
But alas, tomorrow I really dig deep and find employment applications to fill out online. I don't want to be jobless anymore, as healing as this alone I filled time has been.
Not feeling good, but acting good. It's been a long time since I behaved myself. Over two years. It's boring and horrifying.
I'm scared that the past couple months will wear off. That his behavior will go back to what it was before. That he will become that old person he was before, but I will be reinvested and devastated worse than ever.
When I think about the past I get angry. I don't know why he had to put me through that. Put us through that. I would have been good from day one if he had been. But he wasn't. And so I did what I wanted to do as well. He stepped on me so I dug a knife into his back.
I don't know how to move on from the past, though. Any time I feel badly or suspect he's acting bad or think about how he acted in the past, I immediately want to rush to my backup person. I have always had one...
Right now I don't because I basically cut all ties. But not really. I know he would still be available if I wanted. Even though I don't have his phone number, I have ways to get in touch with him. If I want another backup I know I can always find another one too... Not just Bogs.
But I've been trying to just trust the man I love. Believe he loves me and only me. Relieve he wants me and only me. It's difficult and makes me angry. I thought time would heal this, but it hasn't.
It's difficult to restart a relationship that was once working so poorly. Even though he's finally doing everything he promised me, I just wonder how long it will last and if I made the right decision by letting him back into my life.
Not a bite. I came home after 11 hours at work with no break feeling like I wanted to die, drank a beer, threw it up and went to bed to have awful nightmares all night. My body was so resistant to the lack of food it made me realize it's been a long time since I had a day like that... I think it's time for them to be a lot more frequent. They make me feel insane and sane at the same time.
I realized today that I'm crazy. It was surprising to realize, and I don't know why.
It's a miracle my family and friends can put up with me. I'm sure they all see it. Everyone always sees that bright flame of insanity in a person. Some like to look away. Some like to draw closer like a moth to a flame. Some recognize their own brand of insanity in another and some recognize that while it's another brand, it's still insanity. Some don't see it for what it is and simply don't understand.
I don't know how I got this way is the thing... When did I go crazy? Was I born this way? Have I always been disordered and depressed? Is there help for me, or will I always burden those around me with this? The older I get the harder it is to hide, especially from myself.
When I think back over my life, I feel like I've always been this way. I have always struggled. I am always sad and always think different things will make me happy, but they never truly do. I am never happy, and even in the happiest of times in my life, I am plagued by sadness, experiencing days where I pull away, lash out, feel horrible. I asked myself today what the happiest time in my life has been, and I cannot think of one. Every happy time has had some aspect that made me unhappy. I have always been lonely or plagued by my ed or struggled with work or school or had to deal with death or sickness or awful life situations or things that made me unhappy. I have struggled and pushed and tried to look on the bright side of so many different scenarios over the years. I cannot ever remember a time of blissful happiness when I felt like things were all in place and going well. Never. And it's truly all I want: to be content with my body, career, and home life. But now I question if I'm capable of being content. I don't know if it's possible; I've never felt that way.
When I was a kid, I didn't understand my mother. How she was always so tired, struggling with daily tasks, social situations, and her weight. I remember her and my father having horrid arguments and how she would run to her bedroom and lock herself in to sob. She lived in her bed, overweight and unhappy, even though she truly had many things to be happy about.
My father tried our whole lives to do anything he could to make her better... Avoided places and people and things that might upset her, worked an awful job and scraped every penny to buy her anything that might create some amazing change in her to suddenly make her happy, catered to her during her episodes, gave up a lot of himself to try to fix her, but it never worked. I remember as a kid wishing she would just stop. Wishing she would just calm down and be rational and cheer the fuck up. Stop being so hard on him. Stop ruining things for the rest of us. I never treated her this way though. I always snuggled in to her when she sobbed, told her how much we all loved her, that she was my best friend. It was true. I never resented her. I simply wanted her demons to go away.
Now I worry I'm like that, or maybe slowly becoming that... I don't want to ruin anyone's life. And I worry that if I have children they'll have to grow up around the same crushing craziness I did. That monster living inside your mother that you wish would just go away. I worry that I'll ruin my boyfriends life with my depression just like my mom did my dad's. I want to tell him this - that I'm crazy, and I know how this will turn out. That while he is getting better and shedding his craziness, mine seems to be getting worse, or maybe just more apparent. I want to tell him he will be better off without me, just like I always thought my dad would be. But now I depend on him. He's the only thing that makes me feel a little happy, but I blame all of my sadness on him as well. How can he stand me? How can anyone?
I'm crying while I write this. Apparently I have been the whole time and just realized...
People like me and I don't know why. Even the ones that see the crazy. Why? How? Is it just because I'm pretty? Because they see my potential? How could they possibly want to spend time with me?
I don't know what to do about all this... How do I fix me?? How do I get happy??
It's amazing how quickly it all comes back once you let it...
My lovely ED. I have missed you. I'm thrilled you have returned to me.
The rules flood my brain, numbers, calculations, decisions... Slowly at first. A few impromptu things here and there that show me where I'm headed. A meal skipped, a denied treat offered by a coworker, a calculation of my daily intake, a food item with only "Ana approved" items. The rules start slowly implementing themselves while I simply sit back and watch.
I struggle for a few days. Don't remember the rules or don't think of them at every moment. I'm weak. I hate that feeling, and my disgust for my weakness outweights even my disgust for my fatness.
I take quick trips to the bathroom to purge when I've gone too far. This lasts a couple days, and then I give in to the rules so that I don't have to keep doing this.
I don't like Mia. I do at first; there is a liberating feeling associated with purging the food that just held me captive, but I don't enjoy it anymore after a few times. Mia is not for daily life. Mia is for forced food gatherings, evenings out, and drunkenness. And I know deep down that Mia will get me caught. Especially with the boyfriend who is actually so much more observant of me than the hubby ever was.
So, I tuck Mia away for those special occasions, and Ana takes over. She does not like feeling bloated or vomiting. She is so effortless and lovely, and she knows what is and is not ok at all times. She is always in control and she is happy. She loves herself and shows me how to do the same.
I'm patient with the scale for a few days while my body tries to figure out what to do with so much water and so little food. It jumps back and forth, high numbers and then low with no rhyme or reason. My stomach bloats and sinks in strangely, looking huge at times when it is empty and frustrating me. But I just keep doing what Ana says, and I wait.
The scale gets it eventually. And so do I. The numbers slowly slip away, and I start to finally feel sane.
I feel alive once more and like life is worth living. I set my goals, I buy my safe foods, and I plan out everything perfectly so that Ana and I can be happy together.
I feel so much better when I'm with Ana. I feel so much better when I'm skinny. All the work in the world is worth it.
1cup spicy sautéed veggies
I'm down 3lbs since last week. Time to lose the rest.