I worked the first half of my day, clocked out for break and never went back. It's been a week now. They called me twice, and I've gotten dozens of texts from coworkers, but I tell them all the same thing: I just could not force myself to work there another moment. I don't know why, really. I mean, I know my reasons for not wanting to work there, but why I reached that point on that exact day is a little inexplicable... Nothing crazy or awful really happened; I was just fed up. I think part of it was honestly to test my relationship with the boyfriend. He's making enough money to support us, and while I knew it'd be tight, I knew all the bills would get paid this month. I think I needed to see how he would react. How our relationship would work with this scenario. It's never been the case, and I needed to know if his newfound chivalry was an actuality.
So far, he has been spectacular. It's almost too good to be true, but he makes me so very happy. Happier than anything else ever has. All I want is to grow old together, have a home and a family and jobs that don't suck. But honestly, I would be happy if we never achieved any of that as well. As long as we have each other to rely on and our needs met, I don't need anything more from him. He completes me in a way no one else ever has. And he's letting me sit home all day and not asking a thing of me, which is pretty sweet...
The only bad part of being home all day is the complete and utter boredom that has set in after a week... My brain won't shut off, and I have been having low and high moods almost daily as well. I think a lot of my depression tendencies are related to my activity level in life. When I hole up and don't do as much, I start to get a little crazier than usual. I'll be daydreaming one second and crying be next. The boyfriend has been working a ton of hours too, and we are basically completely broke til he gets his paycheck in a couple more days... Being out of money means being out of drugs, so I've been handling most of the emotional roller coaster I've been on the past weekcompletely sober.
Sober and alone with nothing to do is normally a horrible combination for my emotional state. Normally b&ps start, I look for anyone around to pay attention to me, self destructive behaviors start up, etc. This time, I've noticed I'm not that bad. I've been teetering on the edge of these behaviors, but I haven't actually engaged in any, and I'm pretty proud of that.
Not having saved Bogs' number when he texted me has prevented a few slipups, I'm sure. I dreamed about him last night. That we were sitting in the woods chatting and laughing. It was such a calm and peaceful dream. He always made me feel that way... Our time together was so effortless. He expected nothing from me except the truth about who I was and my feelings, we made each other laugh, and he understood and appreciated me. I miss our friendship. I wish there was some way we could still be friends, but the boyfriend would never go for that, and understandably so. I would never want a reverse situation, and since I'm trying out this whole "being good all the time" thing, I would never maintain any kind of relationship behind his back.
When I think about the decision to let Bogs go and be dedicated to the boyfriend, I know I made the right one, the adult one, but it still doesn't make it any easier to let go of a good friend. It's so hard to find people that genuinely make you feel good when you spend time with them, and it's kind of a shame to lose that.
But alas, tomorrow I really dig deep and find employment applications to fill out online. I don't want to be jobless anymore, as healing as this alone I filled time has been.