Monday, April 7, 2014

Depression

I didn't eat yesterday. 

Not a bite. I came home after 11 hours at work with no break feeling like I wanted to die, drank a beer, threw it up and went to bed to have awful nightmares all night. My body was so resistant to the lack of food it made me realize it's been a long time since I had a day like that... I think it's time for them to be a lot more frequent. They make me feel insane and sane at the same time. 

I realized today that I'm crazy. It was surprising to realize, and I don't know why. 

It's a miracle my family and friends can put up with me. I'm sure they all see it. Everyone always sees that bright flame of insanity in a person. Some like to look away. Some like to draw closer like a moth to a flame. Some recognize their own brand of insanity in another and some recognize that while it's another brand, it's still insanity. Some don't see it for what it is and simply don't understand.

I don't know how I got this way is the thing... When did I go crazy? Was I born this way? Have I always been disordered and depressed? Is there help for me, or will I always burden those around me with this? The older I get the harder it is to hide, especially from myself.  

When I think back over my life, I feel like I've always been this way. I have always struggled. I am always sad and always think different things will make me happy, but they never truly do. I am never happy, and even in the happiest of times in my life, I am plagued by sadness, experiencing days where I pull away, lash out, feel horrible. I asked myself today what the happiest time in my life has been, and I cannot think of one. Every happy time has had some aspect that made me unhappy. I have always been lonely or plagued by my ed or struggled with work or school or had to deal with death or sickness or awful life situations or things that made me unhappy. I have struggled and pushed and tried to look on the bright side of so many different scenarios over the years. I cannot ever remember a time of blissful happiness when I felt like things were all in place and going well. Never. And it's truly all I want: to be content with my body, career, and home life. But now I question if I'm capable of being content. I don't know if it's possible; I've never felt that way. 

When I was a kid, I didn't understand my mother. How she was always so tired, struggling with daily tasks, social situations, and her weight. I remember her and my father having horrid arguments and how she would run to her bedroom and lock herself in to sob. She lived in her bed, overweight and unhappy, even though she truly had many things to be happy about. 

My father tried our whole lives to do anything he could to make her better... Avoided places and people and things that might upset her, worked an awful job and scraped every penny to buy her anything that might create some amazing change in her to suddenly make her happy, catered to her during her episodes, gave up a lot of himself to try to fix her, but it never worked. I remember as a kid wishing she would just stop. Wishing she would just calm down and be rational and cheer the fuck up. Stop being so hard on him. Stop ruining things for the rest of us. I never treated her this way though. I always snuggled in to her when she sobbed, told her how much we all loved her, that she was my best friend. It was true. I never resented her. I simply wanted her demons to go away. 

Now I worry I'm like that, or maybe slowly becoming that... I don't want to ruin anyone's life. And I worry that if I have children they'll have to grow up around the same crushing craziness I did. That monster living inside your mother that you wish would just go away. I worry that I'll ruin my boyfriends life with my depression just like my mom did my dad's. I want to tell him this - that I'm crazy, and I know how this will turn out. That while he is getting better and shedding his craziness, mine seems to be getting worse, or maybe just more apparent. I want to tell him he will be better off without me, just like I always thought my dad would be. But now I depend on him. He's the only thing that makes me feel a little happy, but I blame all of my sadness on him as well. How can he stand me? How can anyone? 

I'm crying while I write this. Apparently I have been the whole time and just realized... 

People like me and I don't know why. Even the ones that see the crazy. Why? How? Is it just because I'm pretty? Because they see my potential? How could they possibly want to spend time with me? 

I don't know what to do about all this... How do I fix me?? How do I get happy??

1 comment:

  1. I totally know that feeling. Overwhelming sadness all the time. Only brief moments of happiness because of certain things that are happening. Like Christmas or something, but as soon as it's over it's back to the dumps. I was that person. I do believe it's a chemical imbalance because while my life wasn't perfect it wasn't awful either but I was still always miserable. I took meds for depression and it helped some but I would always sink back into the depression at some point. The only thing that has ever "fixed" me is my husband. It's probably not healthy because if he is ever not in my life for any reason I will probably just want to die. It's a very sad way to be. You miss out on so much that life has to offer. I hope you can explore different ways to to try to come out from under it.

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