Sunday, September 28, 2014

Nina

My cousin Nina OD'd on heroine. Two days ago. I can't stop crying. 

I am so depressed. Not because I was that close to her or knew her that well as adults... It's because I know I could be her if I let myself. She is a mere handful of decisions away from where I sit here now. Our lives have been different in many ways, but a part of me understands how she came to be, and how she came to pass away. I know what it is like to have a sadness so deep that you would do anything to rid yourself of it. She had simply tried different ways than I to rid herself of that sadness. 

I have a photo of us when we were very young; I was 3 and she was 4... We are at my grandmother's house and probably fresh out of the bath, because I faintly remember how she would watch us and bathe us together and how much we loved it... We were close then and we loved each other. I remember how much we loved each other... I assume we were freshly bathed in the photo because we are each wrapped in a huge towel and standing next to each other. Nina is shrieking with delight in the photo, leaning forward, mouth and eyes open with a huge smile, while I apprehensively hang back, still smiling, but slightly awkward. We were so innocent, but you can already see how we would each turn out... She always shone brighter than me. Always took in more of life with less apprehension. She was a shooting star, and anyone who knew her knew that about her. She was fearless, and I always wanted to be more like her, but I felt so different from her and envied her lack of trepidation. I now realize that in many ways we were exactly the same. 

These thoughts of her tragedy and our likeness has made my depression overwhelming today, gluing me to my safe haven of a home and forcing me to push everything else aside. I left work early and sent the boyfriend off with the car so that I could be completely alone in my sorrow. I tried to be a normal human today - tried to go to work, tried to have sex with my boyfriend, tried to talk to several loved ones, tried to eat "normally," but I couldn't do any of those things properly... Instead I have spent the day ignoring responsibilities, pushing away the outside world, and camping on my couch with tears ever-present in the corners of my eyes, simply waiting for the smallest cue to tumble down my cheeks. I have been rendered completely useless and my own usual morbid guilt and paranoia is not even enough to motivate me into action today. I always holeup when depression strikes, and today it struck me so hard I felt worried for the first time in a long time. 

My cousin Nina was so beautiful and amazing, and it's such a waste for her to be gone... She was sarcastic and tough and always so cool... I remember how she was when we were young, with her redrum candles, Chuckie doll, and Eminem CD... I was so jealous that she had edgy stuff that made our grandmother uncomfortable, but we didn't care because, though we loved her, none of us really liked our grandmother. Nina frequently made horribly mean but hilarious jokes behind her back that would cause the rest of us fits of uncontrollable giggles. I remember her middle school graduation photos and how grown up she looked standing in a group of girls who were very pretty and obviously popular. I was so envious of her perfect frame and how she got to go clothes shopping unchaperoned and unsupervised. I knew she smoked cigarettes and drank and went to parties and hung out with boys, and I was both thrilled and horrified by these prospects. 

She could have had anything in life. She was that kind of girl back then. Headstrong and able and intelligent. 

What happened?? How did she get so lost?? How do I make sure I don't get that lost?? 

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