Fattyfattyfatfat

I feel like garbage. I'm tired of this cycle of binging and restricting, smoking and not smoking, feeling great and feeling like shit. 

I'm tired of falling asleep with a stomach crammed with food and awakening with nausea and stomach cramps feeling depressed and hating myself. I have to poop for the first 3 hours I'm awake non-stop, and ain't nobody got time for that... 

I. Fucking. Hate. Myself.

My birthday trip is this weekend, and I'm fat. And I had the chance to not be. And I blew it. 

All this over interaction with my mother??

Grief

My anxiety is through the roof. 

Why do realizations have to strike at midnight? Why do epiphanies only come out at dark? 

My life has been chaos for 12 years. 13 years. Mh whole fucking life. I just want a place to exist and have peace. I just want stability and consistency for a small shining period. And I don’t know if it will ever happen. It’s just constant transition. New challenges. Some I elect, and some the universe sends to me unannounced. I would like to be calm. I would like to rest. 

I would like to be able to sleep at night without being so stuck in the muck and mire of worry. 

I will never again get to have a mother daughter relationship. My own mother will never be a part of my life again to functionally facilitate anything of an intimate nature, and I didn’t have the daughter of my own that I always envisioned. That’s a large thought to grieve. 

I could have been selfish. I could have been selfish and had another child. I could have kept doing that until I had my girl. But I was already selfish in cutting off my existing dynamic in this regard. I don’t think you get to be selfish in both directions. I don’t think I’m cut out for a mother daughter relationship in my life. 

My heart wants to say “maybe…” but I know I can’t allow that journey. 

So depressed

Triggering shit this week that has caused this depressive episode:

Parental contact 

Issues with kiddos

Digging up ex 

Hubby is not nice

Sometimes I forget that I have actual serious depression - that I can’t do shit about it. That there doesn’t have to be a big reason to trigger a terrible episode. That sometimes it barely takes anything. 

I feel alone. That’s really it. That is what has triggered all this this week… And I have it in my head that if I going to be alone, then I want to REALLY be alone. I don’t want people in my life there just filling space. I don’t need people just to have them. I don’t want to do for others all the time without reciprocation. I want actual fulfillment in my relationships. I want to be treated well. And all I’ve done this week is replay past events and process recent events where I was treated like garbage. I guess it spiked an episode. 

So I tell clients there are technical difficulties. Please stand by. 

Sometimes I think I need a new career. Like is this really sustainable? Am I kidding myself? Am I destined to actually burn out, or once I have the ability to be more balanced, will this make more sense? 

I’m not sure what will become of things today. I don’t know if I have a single fuck left to give… I’m tired and my body hurts, and I can’t sleep, but I physically feel drained and mentally feel drained… is it worse to drag myself through work or to stay home and feel guilty? I have had a very good run of not calling out - this week that was not the case… but I think it’s been since July that I really had it bad like this. 5 months is impressive. 

And then today I wish I could fucking die. 

I would like to be alone… 

Reality versus fantasy

The weekend made me so anxious. Binging, purging, crying, paranoia.

I hate my parents and don’t want anything to do with them. I’m sad about it but mad. I’m tired. I’m discouraged. I had to integrate things into my home that they dropped off. I love the items but it’s been a reminder of the insanity. It’s an impossible scenario. 

Yesterday and today I called out of work. Bye, money... I just can’t do it. I know I’ll likely find later this was not a good idea, but I’m just too mentally drained to talk to anyone. I can’t do it every day… today I decided no. I asked husband if he would be upset. He said no. He rolled over and went back to sleep. I cleaned up a bit and put groceries away. I tended to toddler. I want to do these things more and work less. I want to be 50% housewife/mom and 50% business owner. It’s not ok with me that I can’t have that ratio… I think that’s really been the ticket all along honestly… I’m good at keeping house. I like it. I’m good at running my business and I like that. But full time both is too much and my only option at the moment. Anything stressful that comes along tips that scale and leaves me spiraling. 

I took Xanax and have been smoking. I want a nap. Sleep is a wonderful escape lately and so is fantasizing.