Monday, October 26, 2009

Ana is your friend

And mia might possibly be my best friend.

I feel bloaty and gross after eating 2 full-size meals today, but I purged the dinner. I said I wasn't going to - that I was going to let myself have one day of whatever - but I couldn't help it. I just NEEDED to.

I had a lovely evening though, and I really love my fiance.

Tomorrow = back to the grind & back to the restricting.

I need to be thin.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I never regret eating too LITTLE.

Intake today:
6 grilled shrimp with lemon juice - 125.
One hunk of wheat/seed bread - 125.
Caesar salad with chicken - threw up.

I'm not eating the rest of the night.

I feel like a cow, but the scale says I'm looking better and better each day... I just want to be thin.

I can't wait for my day off tomorrow so I can go on my reward dinner... Where I will still keep it low, low, low. "Ana style eating out" is your friend.

Off to find a restaurant with a menu that doesn't terrify me... ♥

Back to the lows

SO, yesterday morning I weighed myself, and I had LOSTTT the weight.

Thank Jesus.

My goal today is to eat around 400 cals and do my pilates video.

If I do this, I can go to dinner with the BF tomorrow... And then back to a week of being good followed by one reward of some kind. I like this system.

I think this is my next reward:



It's on clearance on forever21.com and I want, want, WANT it! I hope they have my size when the time comes. If not maybe I can buy a M and shrink it...

But anyway...

Friday night was bad. I got WASTED. Had 3 cocktails at work after my shift and then went out had 2 beers and a shot. And I pigged the fuck out... Wings and fried mushrooms with loads of ranch. And I didn't hesitate one millisecond to go into the bathroom as soon as I was done feasting (while still at the bar) and purge. It's so EASY when you're drunk because your inhibitions are gone and the food in your now engorged stomach is floating around in liquid quite nicely.

Then I came home and while the fiance was taking the dog out to pee, I threw up anything that might have escaped this first purge.

I need to stop drinking.

First off, it's WAY too many calories and then I feel less worried about my body and I EAT. And then I think, "Ah, whatever!" and I purge. EVERY time.

While we're on the subject (sort of) I noticed a pattern with my "fasting" as well. I don't think I fast properly. Whenever I fast, I get SO hungry and my blood sugar gets SO low I end up eating like 1,000 cals in a sitting. NOT good! (Understatement!) And the last 2 times I attempted a fast, I got physically sick, and kind of fainted the last time...

So we're going to hold off on fasting for a while until my weight stops coming off as easily as it is now and until I figure out what I'm doing wrong and do some research.

And yet another tangent...

The other day at work, KB and I were chatting, and she was talking to me about how I'm looking thinner, etc. And she was lamenting that she lost weight a while back (She did. It was noticeable.) and gained it all back like 2 weeks later (She did. It was noticeable.) and how she wants so badly to be thinner.

And she kind of knows I have an ED, (because I semi-drunkenly told her one night after work) but I don't think she knows how bad I do... I don't think she GETS it.

And last night she asked me what I "did." I laughed. And I said, "You know, but you don't know." And she said, "I want to do what you do." And I looked her square in the face and said. "You do NOT want to do what I do."

It made me frustrated a bit. I love her, so I wasn't pissed off... But definitely frustrated.

I see people all around me all the time who eat "normally" who eat foods with bread and cheese and grease and FLAVOR and don't even bat an eyelash. Who don't calculate complex algebraic caloric equations in their heads. Who don't count glasses of water or diet pills or laxatives who don't chew bites really tiny and drink lots of liquid so they can purge if need be... I see fat girls getting fatter and those who are blessed to be naturally skinny maintaining that same perfect weight.

And it makes me SICK.

It makes me jealous and disgusted and feel sad for them but also long to BE them all at the same time.

You can't just "do what I do."

This is who I am.

I can't just give you pointers on eating like an ana girl and you lose weight. It's a part of me. I can't help the feelings behind the actions. I can't stop my behavior. And I can't give you the kind of willpower it takes to wake up in the morning starving after a night of purging and completely ignore food, ignore you aching, trembling stomach because the scale says you weigh one pound more than yesterday.

You can't just "do" this, and anyone who doesn't have their whole life wrapped around their intake/output/calories/weight/inches/blubber/bones/hips/thighs/stomach/food/lack of food isn't going to get it.

But anyway...

Today's plan:
Do my workout.
Possibly a nappp!
B: Coffee
Showerrr and get ready for work.
L: Salad from Chik-fil-a w/fat free honey mustard dressing.
D: Apple

This is around 320, so I may allow myself something else, but maybe not.

Thinspo, in video form today, ladies. Because I'm lazy and I love this song.


Friday, October 23, 2009

Focus

I did well today. Under 500 cals, and I didn't leave a bite out in this calculation.

I didn't get to work out, but I worked my ass off at work, so I'm sure I burned plenty.

Tomorrow's goal is to reduce by 100 cals and throw in an ab workout at least.

I WILL BE THIN.

I am more focused, and tomorrow I will be even MORE focused.

I may weigh tomorrow... We'll see.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

100th post


Binge, purge, 30 minutes of abs, loads of water.

I'm delirious and tired and a fat ass.

But I strangely feel better.

Tomorrow is the day of redemption. Thursday through Sunday.

I can do better.

Downward spiral

Struggling.
Fighting.
Crying.
Binging. Binging. Binging.
Purging.
Obsessing.
Weighing.
Crying.

All of these describe me over the past few days.

I am terribly depressed, and not sticking to the game-plan.

I'm sure I've gained. but I'm too scared to check, so I haven't.

I need to get my head back in the game. I need to clean up my act so I'm not so depressed all the time.

I need to be harder on myself.

Or maybe not so hard?

I think harder.

You would all be so ashamed of me, ladies.

But I'm going to turn things around.

Eyes on the thighs; eyes on the prize. I'm only a winner if I get thinner.

Plan: Work out! And no more food tonight at all unless I get to go to dinner with the fiance, and then only veggies/salad.

Tomorrow, work out!!! Water, water, water.
Wake up: Coffee - 0 cals
5 pm: Salad - 200 cals
8pm: Yogurt - 45 cals
Closing time: Peaches - 100 cals
Get home: Fudgesicle - 40 cals
Total: 385
Can possibly throw in some grilled romaine w/lem vin if I can't survive work.

I need to prove to myself that I'm not just a fat kid.
I need to get my head out of my huge ass and start losing again.

I'm weighing in on Sunday, and if I am not back down to what my lowest has recently been, more drastic measures will be taken. If I'm LOWER, then I will reward myself with something... We'll figure out what soon.

I hate myself.

And I've been ruining my relationship with the fiance because of all of this lately.

I feel like a fat ass cow, so I don't want to have sex.

I'm acting obsessive complusive more than usual because I'm freaking out about how much lack of self-control I recently have.

The other day I let a little comment get blown WAY out of proportion so that I wouldn't have to go to dinner because I had eaten too much that day and I am trying to stop purging.

I almost told him about my problem.

But I can't. I need his love. And no one loves a fat girl with eating issues.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Recently discombobulated

I have been ALL over the fucking place lately. Barely eating, binging, purging... No consistency like I normally have.

The other day I binged... Stuffing and cranberries, a bagel with loads of cream cheese, orange juice, on and on. Then I purged. But my binge was not calculated enough. I didn't chew well enough. I didn't drink enough liquid. So I threw up HARD, huge chunks of completely undigested food and blood. It was not pretty. My throat bled for a few hours after and I had to take a lozenge to soothe it because it hurt SO bad. I couldn't eat anything without discomfort for about 2 days. I didn't mia again because I was scared of my throat bleeding again... But I can NOT handle not having mia as a backup. I was freaked out about everything I ate (even more than usual) for about a week because mia is my savior.

So, needless to say, I've been a complete and utter basket case.

SO, I needed to get re-motivated. I've been cooking for myself every day a meat dish and a veggie dish or a salad with chicken not exceeding 200 cals. I take this to work along with some canned peaches (no sugar added, whole can = 100 cals!) and a yogurt or something else similar.

I drink a cup of coffee in the morning and then don't eat until 5pm (the meat and veggie meal) then about half way through my shift (4 hours later) I eat the small item like yogurt, and then at the end of my shift (another 4 hours later) I eat the can of peaches. So if I stick to this, it's about a 350 cal day.

The only probly with this is that there is always, always, ALWAYS a ton of food lying around the kitchen (I work in a restaurant... Ironic much?) and it's hard to resist the fries and bread and real butter and cheese platters and soups and mashed potatoes, and all the other shit that's completely accessible and either free or cheap to purchase since I work there. The other day I had a salad with a cream based dressing, cheese, nuts, dried fruits, etc. SO bad for you! It's barely considered a salad. Needless to say, I threw it up... Salad, much like Asian food, is one of my favorite things to throw up because it's so EASY.

BUT, I've been getting better at sticking to the plan. It's just that I get so TIRED at work some nights, and I immediately want to resort to grabbing an end piece of bread and eating it to get my energy back up.

SO, to combat this, yesterday I went to the store to get some stuff, and I decided to get some diet pills. Fake energy is still energy.

I picked some out after MUCH deliberation, and when I was checking out, the lady that was bagging my stuff looked at the bottle like she was sad.

I'm not that thin, ladies. I could lose 18 pounds and still be in my weight range for my body size/age/etc. EIGHTEEN pounds! And I did not appreciate this fat woman giving me these sympathetic looks, and acting like I was doing something wrong by buying diet pills. I was sympathetic for HER. With her fat rolls cascading over her uniform.

Mind your own fucking business. Keep your pity.

I have to go to work to manage tonight and work on the computer system, and I'm trying to decide if I want to attempt a fast. I just have this pattern of saying, "Fast today!" and then breaking it and it turning into a binge-ish day instead where I eat shit I'm not supposed to because I get so hungry I just eat whatever. I think it may be a good day to attempt a fast though, because if it's a normal night at work I use too much energy and can't manage without food, and if I stay at home, I am tempted to b&p because I'm here alone (the fiance notices when I don't eat if he's here) but tonight I'll be away from the house and barely using any energy, hopefully. That is if the night goes like I think it will.

Dilemma.

I'm going to attempt a fast.

After a nap. Ha ha!

I'll try to post tonight, ladies. Think thin!

White shirt real girl thinspo. I like white. And I wan to be a real girl thinspo.








Thursday, October 15, 2009

Bender but back on track now

I don't have much time...



Things have been shitty.



After my last, terribly depressed post, I had a bender.



And fucking HELL of a bender.



I didn't gain, and I've actually lost 2lbs since then, but I was SO mad at myself...

I have a lot to write about, but no privacy or ability to do so.

Tomorrow morning, loves!

Think thin!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Incredibly Sad

I am so incredibly depressed right now.

Last night was shitty, shitty, shitty.

I strolled into work in a good mood. I had only eaten a little, and I was feeling pretty good.

And then.. Shit hit the fan. My manager, chef, bartender, and busser were all SO pissed off about SO much that it was affecting everyone on staff. Servers started arguing, everyone was getting frustrated and picked on and yelled at.

It was total bullshit.

SO, I went to all 4 of the problem causers and told them they needed to calm the fuck down or we were going to have a shit-tacular night because we had like 200 reservations. (It's been insanely busy because it's tourist season.)

Then new girl who fucked Chevy was supposed to come in and food run, and she was LATE as USUAL. And she had on this shirt that showed her entire fucking chest, and I'm sorry but I HATE her so much. I had to hear from everything with a penis about how nice her boobs are, etc. And THEN when she was done, she went upstairs and changed into her "going out" clothes and traipsed around the kitchen wearing practically nothing. And she does this all the time, and I am so SICK of it. I really hate her, and she tries to befriend me every fucking night.

And then I just had a rough night. I was physically and mentally exhausted and not in the mood and SO over it. I am starting to hate my job. I know I can do so much better, but I'm stuck there right now. I won't make this much money anywhere else at the time being, and I don't want to go through the stress of job-hunting, so there you have it. I'm stuck there. I have a wedding to pay for.

Then when I was sitting down at the end of my night doing paperwork, and James came over. And he works in another department, but normally he hangs around in the restaurant quite a bit. BUT lately, he's been MIA. And when he is around, he's in a pissy mood. But last night he sat with us while we did out paperwork, and I asked him where he's been, and he said he's "tired of the drama in the restaurant." And I know he's discussing me and Chevy and new girl. I'm not stupid. And I said something along the lines of the drama being over and KB was talking to us about it, etc. And I said something about Chevy avoiding new girl like the plague and he comes off with, "You're so in love with him!" and I was like, "No, I'm not. I barely speak to him. You have no idea what's been going on." And he brushed it off and was like, "Whatever, I'm tired of the drama." And I was like, "It's a restaurant. There will always be drama." And he's like, "That's why I haven't been around." And I was like, "Yeah well, there's drama everywhere." And he was like, "No just in restaurants because everyone's like a highschool drop out."

That pissed me OFF.

And I was like, "Thanks a lot." And he was like, "I didn't mean it like that about you." And I was like, "Whatever." And he stands up ans he's like, "Whatever, I'm out of here."

Good riddance.

I almost started crying. I had to fight it really hard.

I have a fucking BACHELOR'S DEGREE, okay? I put my fucking time in school. 4 years. Whereas you, James, did not. No, you went off and joined the fucking circus (no joke) and went to jail and rehab. While you were fucking your life up, I was trying to make something of my life. And yeah, I'm a fucking server and I HATE it and I'm not proud of it, but I make more money than YOU, and at least one day I won't be a server anymore, and I'll have made something of my life. Whereas you'll always be a single, bitter fuck-up who it getting too old to be datable and is so offensive no one even wants to talk to you.

SO FUCK YOU.

I was so fed up I ranted to KB and Andy and both of them were telling me it's okay.

But it's NOT okay. I want to move back home, and I still have another fucking year left in this town that I can't move away from. I thought when I moved here that I'd be happy by now, but I'm not. I hate this town and the fucking people here, I hate my job, I hate my body, I hate missing my godson's birthday and what's going on in my brother's life and seeing all of my friends, and I hate that my only "friends" here aren't really my friends and that I know that once I move away I won't speak to most of them again.

I went home and binged. I had leftover pizza, BBQ chicken, cookies, mint patties, mashed potatoes... I didn't even throw it up, I just went to bed and let all of the fat absorb into my already obese body.

And cried.

I'm so upset because the fiance is the only good thing in my life. I feel so trapped and alone and upset and ugly and depressed. He hugged me and talked to me late into the night until I fell asleep.

What sucks the most about this is I can't DO anything about it. I have no control over this.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Breaking the cycle

Totally binged last night... After my post about how I’ve been restricting so much... Ironic.

Yesterday’s calories were probably at around 1200.

Ew.

BUT, when I was lying in bed last night absolutely HATING myself and thinking about my behavior, I started to notice a pattern with myself... As soon as I get to GW#1, I think, “I’ve done so well! I’m not going to be so hard on myself for a bit...” And then I binge. I eat a zillion cals in a day, do the same thing the next day, and the next day, and then I gain. And then once I get up about 4+lbs over GW#1, I freak out and restrict a LOT.

And I am BREAKING THIS CYCLE!!!

No more being easy on myself. No more junk food. No more binges because I’m doing well.

I am NOT doing well ENOUGH.

I stepped on the scale this morning and was up a pound from fucking yesterday. I almost took a lax, but decided against it because we were going out in public, and no thank you.

SO, today:
B: Coffee - 0
L: Grilled veggies and meat – 250-300?
D: Fudgesicle, and some popcorn - 140

Probably around 400-450. Not sure about lunch because the fiancé and I went to a Mexican place in town, so who knows what was in it.

MUCH better than yesterday tho.

AND I worked out for over an hour, as hard as I could. I filled my iPod with some pumpin’ music the other day, and MAN did I sweat my ass off! I burned about 300 cals on the elliptical alone.

But anyway, I need a shower.

No thinspo today, because the fiancĂ© found some and he’s all confused at to what it is and I’m SO fucking paranoid about him finding this lately.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Serious restricting & True Religion

I have become SO hard on myself.

And it has happened over the past week, but I'm not exactly certain WHY.

I feel like a completely fatty blob of bloat, when in reality I've only eaten about 550 cals today.

And yesterday when I said I was eating around 400 lately... that was a lie in retrospect. It's been closer to 300 a day.

I have no idea why I've become SO obsessed with eating SO little.

I think it's because this week I've been pick-pick-picking and not eating that much, so now when I DO eat, I feel guilty, knowing I can survive on less and that when I do survive on less and less, I lose more and more.

When I stepped on the scale this morning, another pound had come off.

I am now 2lbs lighter than GW#1 and only have 8lbs until GW#2.

BUT like I said yesterday, I find this too good to be true, so I'm wary of my scale and what it is telling me... I'm not sure if I believe it.

We're just going to take things one day at a time and see what happens.

But I'm going to run because I have the most MASSIVE migraine right now, and all I want to do is lie down.

I've added a box on the top right of this blog with all the links I've previously posted or the ones I use constantly. Some good stuff, so check it out!

True Religion thinspo today because their ads always make me pump it twice as fast during my workouts. :-)








Monday, October 5, 2009

Back to where I was before

The fiance is passed out on the couch behind me, so I'm going to take a moment to bloggg! I'll be home alone tomorrow, so I'll blog then as well.

My weight is down... The gain weight is gone, and once again, I'm at GW #1. I would be happy except I was already here a while ago and let myself gain... But I won't do that again.

10 more pounds to lose, and I can do it.

I let myself eat sushi yesterday because I worked ALL fucking day long and probably burned about a jillion calories, and I didn't eat the whole time at work except an apple because I almost fainted.

And when I stepped on the scale this morning, it actually read one pound LESS than GW#1.

But I don't believe my scale... Sometimes it says things that are too good to be true.

SO, I'm going to continue to obsessively weigh (because that's what I do) but until my period is over this week, I'm not going to believe what I see.

I haven't been that thin in a looong time, and I can't believe I could be less than GW#1 after only a couple days.

Though my cals have been REALLY low lately... I've actually cut back from the 500 to about 400. And some days WAY less. AND I've been working my ass off, and my job is VERY physically demanding, especially lately because we have been SO busy.

So it might be believable, but not yet.

Anywho, thinspo... Black and white, because I adore it.







Thursday, October 1, 2009

My Rules

Walking around the grocery store today, I was realizing home many rules I have for myself... It's kind of weird... So I was wondering what kind of rules you ladies had and if you wouldn't mind sharing.

Cally's Eating Rules:

-Beverages cannot contain calories (ie. only diet sodas, fake sweeteners, etc.)

-Alcohol can only be consumed if it's been at least a week since prior consumption, and only if I drink to the point of throwing up. (Yeah, that's totally sick that I drink to that extent on purpose, but there you have it.) And only shots or run/diet.

-No bread of any kind (this rule is my most broken) no nuts, no cheese (unless it's super diet, but I've pretty much eliminated all of it from my diet), no granola type items, no hamburger meat, no bacon, no sausage or any processed meat, no fat from any meat I do consume, no sauces on anything, no cream, no real mayonnaise, no potatoes, no rice, no beans, no corn (for the most part), no pasta, no real butter or real dairy of any kind except skim milk (and VERY rarely), no chocolate/candy, no egg yolks, no peanut butter or jelly, no deep-fried anything, no oils, etc! There are about a million foods I do NOT allow myself to consume.

-Condiments cannot contain over 10 cals a tablespoon, dressings no more than 30 cals a TB, jello no more than 10 a cup, oatmeal no more than 100 a package, butter no more than 5 cals a TB, yogurt no more than 45 cals a carton, etc. I have calorie limits for just about any "ana-approved" food item. If it's even 5 cals over, I ditch it.

-Avoid fruits/veggies that aren't neg cal.

- Coffee can only contain Splenda.

-Cereal cannot have more than 100 cals per cup, including milk, and they have to have a lot of fiber in them.

-No eating something unless I can estimate the calories, read the package, or research how many calories it has before consumption.

- Breakfast cannot be more than 100 cals, lunch no more than 200, and diner no more than 200.

-Only allowed crackers with high levels or fiber.

If too many of the above rules are broken, I mia... Mia'ing is also curiously against the rules.

Anyone want to share their rules?

Lately in the life of Cally.

1.) Weight (Eh.)
It's teetering back and forth... I'm still in weight-loss mode, but now that I've lost so much, (20+lbs since I gave into my ED again) it's harder to keep losing... And easier to gain. AND I've had some weak, weak, weak days and there for about a week I ate total shit and gained... I pretty much have the weight all back off, but even after I lose the gain (2.5lbs to go to get it back off) I have more to go. And I've been trying to get in the habit of working out more because I don't think it's going to come off with "under 500 cals a day" alone.

I've noticed that ana is becoming more of a lifestyle for me and less of something I focus on... And then I give myself new challenges and push myself harder. I eliminate foods, I make new rules, etc.

I did pretty well on my trip back home, but I totally mia'd after my mom made the fiance a birthday dinner of lasagna and chocolate cake... I've been miaing a little here and there, but even that has dropped off quite a bit. I don't want to mia, and normally it's emotional and not about food anyway...

Myself-esteem has been SO much better with every pound I lose. I went to the beach and wore a bikini, and for the first time in a looong time I didn't feel like a whale... Maybe a little like a cow, but not a whale. And EVERYONE back home made comments, and I felt SO good abotu myself! Girls who are some of my best friends were JEALOUS and asked me what I've been doing. It was amazing.

The only downside is that none of my clothes fit me anymore, especially tops and dresses. I need some new ones, because I bagged up all the old ones that look like tents and it was a BIG chunk of my wardrobe.

2.) Chevy (Fuck.)
Things have reached the end.

There for a while, we were slipping back into our old cycle. He's just so charming and it's hard to get away from him... And the fiance and I were getting a little rocky... I was falling back into alll of it...

And then a new girl came to work, and she has a boyfriend she's been with for YEARS and lives with. And she fucked him. And he was still acting like we were headed for something like he always does. SO, I got drunk at work one night and he was and he was all over me because she wasn't there. I acted like a COMPLETE bitch because I knew what he did with her... And then he left and I texted him and apologized... And to make a long story short, I ended up unloading all of my feelings on him through drunk-text, and he said he would stop playing games...

I know he won't, but he and the new girl are having some freaking affair, and I have NO respect for either of them. I may have contemplated things, but I would NEVER have acted on it. SO, it's done. And I'm actually over it, though I still hate the girl. And him to a certain degree... It's just the principle of the matter. And she broke major girl rules. Ha!

3.) The Fiance.
I am SO happy with him! We have worked out a lot of things that have been bothering/hindering our relationship. And we've been talking about moving back home after we get married, and the thought alone elates me. I've been so miserable since we moved here, and I honestly just want to go back HOME.

4.) Today
Went grocery shopping and I'm about to clean the house..
B: Salad - 210ish including dressing/chicken.
L: Fudgesicle -40
D: Jello - 10 Oatmeal - 130

SO, 390, and I still have some cals left for the day.

Gotta run! Probably some thinspo once I'm done cleaning if I have time before the fiance gets home.

Think thin, ladies! <3