Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Downward spiral

Struggling.
Fighting.
Crying.
Binging. Binging. Binging.
Purging.
Obsessing.
Weighing.
Crying.

All of these describe me over the past few days.

I am terribly depressed, and not sticking to the game-plan.

I'm sure I've gained. but I'm too scared to check, so I haven't.

I need to get my head back in the game. I need to clean up my act so I'm not so depressed all the time.

I need to be harder on myself.

Or maybe not so hard?

I think harder.

You would all be so ashamed of me, ladies.

But I'm going to turn things around.

Eyes on the thighs; eyes on the prize. I'm only a winner if I get thinner.

Plan: Work out! And no more food tonight at all unless I get to go to dinner with the fiance, and then only veggies/salad.

Tomorrow, work out!!! Water, water, water.
Wake up: Coffee - 0 cals
5 pm: Salad - 200 cals
8pm: Yogurt - 45 cals
Closing time: Peaches - 100 cals
Get home: Fudgesicle - 40 cals
Total: 385
Can possibly throw in some grilled romaine w/lem vin if I can't survive work.

I need to prove to myself that I'm not just a fat kid.
I need to get my head out of my huge ass and start losing again.

I'm weighing in on Sunday, and if I am not back down to what my lowest has recently been, more drastic measures will be taken. If I'm LOWER, then I will reward myself with something... We'll figure out what soon.

I hate myself.

And I've been ruining my relationship with the fiance because of all of this lately.

I feel like a fat ass cow, so I don't want to have sex.

I'm acting obsessive complusive more than usual because I'm freaking out about how much lack of self-control I recently have.

The other day I let a little comment get blown WAY out of proportion so that I wouldn't have to go to dinner because I had eaten too much that day and I am trying to stop purging.

I almost told him about my problem.

But I can't. I need his love. And no one loves a fat girl with eating issues.

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