I have been ALL over the fucking place lately. Barely eating, binging, purging... No consistency like I normally have.
The other day I binged... Stuffing and cranberries, a bagel with loads of cream cheese, orange juice, on and on. Then I purged. But my binge was not calculated enough. I didn't chew well enough. I didn't drink enough liquid. So I threw up HARD, huge chunks of completely undigested food and blood. It was not pretty. My throat bled for a few hours after and I had to take a lozenge to soothe it because it hurt SO bad. I couldn't eat anything without discomfort for about 2 days. I didn't mia again because I was scared of my throat bleeding again... But I can NOT handle not having mia as a backup. I was freaked out about everything I ate (even more than usual) for about a week because mia is my savior.
So, needless to say, I've been a complete and utter basket case.
SO, I needed to get re-motivated. I've been cooking for myself every day a meat dish and a veggie dish or a salad with chicken not exceeding 200 cals. I take this to work along with some canned peaches (no sugar added, whole can = 100 cals!) and a yogurt or something else similar.
I drink a cup of coffee in the morning and then don't eat until 5pm (the meat and veggie meal) then about half way through my shift (4 hours later) I eat the small item like yogurt, and then at the end of my shift (another 4 hours later) I eat the can of peaches. So if I stick to this, it's about a 350 cal day.
The only probly with this is that there is always, always, ALWAYS a ton of food lying around the kitchen (I work in a restaurant... Ironic much?) and it's hard to resist the fries and bread and real butter and cheese platters and soups and mashed potatoes, and all the other shit that's completely accessible and either free or cheap to purchase since I work there. The other day I had a salad with a cream based dressing, cheese, nuts, dried fruits, etc. SO bad for you! It's barely considered a salad. Needless to say, I threw it up... Salad, much like Asian food, is one of my favorite things to throw up because it's so EASY.
BUT, I've been getting better at sticking to the plan. It's just that I get so TIRED at work some nights, and I immediately want to resort to grabbing an end piece of bread and eating it to get my energy back up.
SO, to combat this, yesterday I went to the store to get some stuff, and I decided to get some diet pills. Fake energy is still energy.
I picked some out after MUCH deliberation, and when I was checking out, the lady that was bagging my stuff looked at the bottle like she was sad.
I'm not that thin, ladies. I could lose 18 pounds and still be in my weight range for my body size/age/etc. EIGHTEEN pounds! And I did not appreciate this fat woman giving me these sympathetic looks, and acting like I was doing something wrong by buying diet pills. I was sympathetic for HER. With her fat rolls cascading over her uniform.
Mind your own fucking business. Keep your pity.
I have to go to work to manage tonight and work on the computer system, and I'm trying to decide if I want to attempt a fast. I just have this pattern of saying, "Fast today!" and then breaking it and it turning into a binge-ish day instead where I eat shit I'm not supposed to because I get so hungry I just eat whatever. I think it may be a good day to attempt a fast though, because if it's a normal night at work I use too much energy and can't manage without food, and if I stay at home, I am tempted to b&p because I'm here alone (the fiance notices when I don't eat if he's here) but tonight I'll be away from the house and barely using any energy, hopefully. That is if the night goes like I think it will.
I'm going to attempt a fast.
After a nap. Ha ha!
I'll try to post tonight, ladies. Think thin!
White shirt real girl thinspo. I like white. And I wan to be a real girl thinspo.