Thursday, September 29, 2011

Plans and organization

I feel good today.

Still no loss, but I realize it's because the hubby was off yesterday and spending all day with him is almost as bad as being alone.

When I'm alone, I B&P. When I'm with him all day, I eat whatever he eats.

It's awful. My best days are when I go to work, but then I don't have a personal life.

Today's planned eats:
B: Water, diet pills. - 0 cals
L: Protein shake after the gym. - 220 cals.
D: Chicken and veggies. - 200 cals.
Total: 420 cals.

Gym - burn 350 cals via cardio and 100 via weights and TAN!
Home - Clean up a bit!

I need to get on track. I need to clean my house and get things straightened out and organized so I can get into a routine and lose this excess weight.

The best I ever did, I had a very serious routine and I managed to lose a ton. And kept it off.

It's time to lose these last 15 pounds to put me where I want to be. It's time to be thin for real.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Reality check and plans

My plan for this weekend didn't go quite according to plan with the hubby's birthday... I ate a LOT over the weekend and could not have purged if I wanted to.

However, I think my body is back to normal from my fast... It took SUCH a long time. I'm SO mad at myself for fucking it up and gaining back what I lost.

Now I just want that feeling back. The "I feel thin today" feeling. The one that doesn't make me want to cry.

Last week I called in sick to work one day because when I stepped my new truthful scale, the number was awful. I was so mad. I stared crying and knew I couldn't put on that skimpy work uniform and go about my day feeling any kind of confident.

So I stayed home. I B&Pd once and then I decided to fix things. I gave myself a bit of slack over the weekend, but now it's time for real change.

My intake yesterday was low:
B: Diet pill.
L: Salad and chips: 400
D: Egg whites/veggies/watermelon: 175
Total: 575

The scale this morning was nice to me but honest... I have a lot to lose. My goals which once seemed so close are now

Goal #1: Lose 5 pounds. This is to be done within a week and then maintained for a few days.

Goal #2: Lose 10 additional pounds. This is to be done slowly over the course of a couple weeks so that my family doesn't freak out and then maintained. This is also to be done using a lot more exercise.

This will put me better than where I have ever been. Better than where I wanted to be for so long.

And now with my new scale that tells me the truth, there's no fudging things. I will ACTUALLY be lighted than I've ever been or hoped to be.

Plan today:
Clean my awful house.

Rules today:
No food until after the gym.

Planned eats:
B: 2 diet pills and WATER - 0 cals.
L: 1/2 protein shake and fruit if needed - 200-300 cals.
D: Chicken and veggies - 200 cals.
Total: No more than 500 cals.

I can do this. I am capable. And I need to be thin.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Fuck it all.

I can't figure out what to do with my body. It's still a mess since the fast.

SO here's the new goal: Stop eating.

Sodium, bloat, BMs, whatever... I'm just not going to eat. Then it can work itself out and I can go back to being thin.

Today's plan:
Dinner only.

Hubby's b-day dinner only.

Dinner with friends only.

Time to stop being a fatass and depending on Addy that I'm out of.

Time to do it on my own and just be thin.

Fuck it all.

Realer post later.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Fast and body broken

I should have been scared to eat.

I ended my fast, and it has been a nightmare... I could not poop for days. Finally yesterday morning I was so sick of it I did every trick in the book.

I had two laxatives, 4 fiber pills, fiber cereal, coffee, and a juice drink. Then FINALLY I had a BM, but it wasn't anything too helpful.

I don't know what I did wrong.

I guess after 5 days of easy flowing, my body was not ready for other foods, and I should have eaten only RAW fruits and veggies and REALLY watched every bite I put into my mouth.

I have also been retaining water like a mofo. I know it's because for 5 days I had NO sodium whatsoever. Then when I stopped my fast and had minor amounts, my body wasn't used to it, and POW! Major bloat.

According to my scale, I weigh the same as I did before my fucking fast already in two days. I know it's waste and bloat, but it makes me feel awful looking at it. My stomach looks huge and even though I've been drinking tons of water, I can't seem to get back to normal.

SO, lesson learned.

I WILL be fasting again. I enjoyed it and my body responded really well to it.

Only in the future, I will be taking it slower. I will not shock my body afterward like this, and I will give it time to recuperate. And I may rethink the liquid choices... I think if I had thrown in some chicken broth I would have been better off.

Today's planned eats:
B: Water. Tons of it.
L: Yogurt and fruit.
D: Chicken and veggies.

Everything prepared as plainly as possible!

My goal over the NEXT 5 days is just to get back to fucking normal.

Think thin ladies.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Ending my fast?

I think I'm going to end my fast a meal early... I'm still undecided though...

I intended to drink juice for dinner tonight and then have a normal food breakfast and lunch, but I think now I'm going to eat dinner and then juice for breakfast tomorrow and possibly lunch.

The hubby is encouraging me to stick it out, but I know that's because he knows so little about my true eating habits... If he knew the truth, I would not be allowed to fast in the first place. I know he just wants me to feel accomplished.

I still feel extremely accomplished. I still lost weight. I still did something I've been so bad at for so long.

But my body is hungry... So hungry in a deep way... Days of basically starving are wearing on me, and I think 5 days may have been too long of a goal by about a day... Next time we'll make it 4.

I'm legitimately extremely hungry, so I'm contemplating giving myself a bit of slack...

I still haven't decided though... I'm still up in the air... Not because I don't want to eat or because I feel like if I eat I'm failing...

Now I'm a bit scared to eat.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Day 4 juice fast and new scale

My new scale arrived todayyyy!

And it's good. Really good, actually. I weighed myself about a thousand times in different rooms and it gave me a very consistent reading. Then I peed and did the same thing and it was less by .4 of a pound! Ha ha!

The only bad thing is that compared to my current scale, I would estimate about a 4-5 pound difference...

Which to me is a big fucking difference... I think my old scale is too nice to me. After some mind-boggling algebra, I figured out that this new scale is a LOT closer to the scale I encountered over the weekend... Which was a big old-fashioned doctor's type scale.

SO, even though my blissful little weight bubble has been popped because of that fucking thing, I'm glad I stepped on it. Not only because it prompted my 5 day fast which as been AMAZING, but also it prompted me to buy a new scale. And I KNOW getting a consistent number when weighing in will motivate me more... I can't fudge this one... This puppy is brutally honest.

Regardless of the scale used, I lost a significant amount of weight this week while juice fasting. The difference this morning compared to a week ago was staggering. I'm not going to reveal the exact numbers yet, but I will on Saturday morning.

In other news... Last night was such an emotional roller-coaster going out.

The hubby didn't really want to go (as usual) but he did. We all sat outside and I pretended to have a vodka tonic (only hold the vodka) while everyone else drank beer... It was nice enough, but it honestly just made me miss having people I truly WANT to hang out with in my life. Like my college friends. And mountain friends.

Then to top it all off, I was smelling everyone's food ALL NIGHT LONG. AND they wanted to sit on the patio... Sure, cool, whatever. The patio next to a fucking pizza place which was baking up a storm.

If the hubby had not been there, I probably would have caved and ordered at least a salad.

BUT I'm so close to the end now, I don't want to fuck it up.

I want to feel accomplished and thinner at the end of the week.

And I know I will.

Think thin, ladies.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Day 3 Juice Fast

Day three thus far has been good, but I cheated a little... Not with food, but I took a half an Addy at work... I was absolutely swamped all morning and I honestly needed the boost.

I feel a bit bad, but it was honestly nice to have the energy it gave me. Juice fasting is definitely depleting my energy levels... But the weird thing is I'm having issues falling asleep at night? I don't get it... I don't know WHY, but I feel exhausted all day and then can't pass out. Then when I try to wake up in the morning, I'm like a freaking zombie.

SO it was nice to take half an Addy, and though I should feel guilty because this fast was supposed to be about weight loss AND purification... I don't.

One antacid and one half on an Addy all week??? Still WAY fucking better than my previous regiment of daily pills.

I did manage to get to the gym today and have one hell of a workout... I burned at least 500cals, and I was sweating like I've never sweated before... It was literally pouring off of me. When I got home and peeled off my clothes it looked like I ran through a sprinkler.

Guess that's what happens when you get plenty of liquid! Ha ha!

The hubby asked me today, "What do you want to eat when your fast is over?" I replied, "A fucking cheeseburger!" Yesterday that's honestly how I felt... Like I wanted something FAT-TY. Now I just really want some fruits and veggies. Some nuts. Some granola. I don't feel like I want binge-type foods anymore.

The hubby said he would take me to a vegan place Saturday since I have been doing SO well and have had SO much self-control. That's big for him because he hates places like that! Ha ha!

I think he's proud of me... I complain a lot. About my weight/body/insecurity/etc. I feel sorry for him for having to listen to me whine all the time. I think he prefers on-top-of-it Cally. The Cally that feels good about herself for a change.

Am I still a fat lard? Yes. Of course. But these past couple of days have helped me to feel like I AM capable of more than I thought. I still don't think I would ever go for a full-on water only fast because that goes against the little voice in my head that's barely there anymore... You know, the one that keeps me out of inpatient... But I know what my body is capable of. I have exercised my self-control muscles, and I like how it feels.

Well, ladies I'm off to pick out an outfit for tonight... And possibly watch some TV. Wish me luck tonight!

Think thin!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Juice fast - day 2

Today was... Liveable. Not bad, not good... Just do-able.

It had its ups and downs, and at one point I almost said "Fuck it!" because I want some real food VERY badly. Work was a bit hard on me at one point... Working in a restaurant is a fasting girl's nightmare... I was about 10 seconds away from binging on celery sticks at one point today.

BUT I stopped myself, and I have no plans of caving... I REALLY want to do all 5 days WITHOUT cheating. I want to feel accomplished. I honestly feel great about my fast. I know it's only been 2 days, but I've made a LOT of changes that I plan to stick to for the entire 5 days... I have not eaten any junk, have not binged or purged, and have not taken ANY drugs, except an antacid yesterday.

I unfortunately didn't manage to get to the gym today because I stayed at work late AGAIN today. Plus my muscles are SO sore from my workout yesterday, I decided to take one day off out of 5.

I feel alive again. Emotionally I feel better than I've felt in months. After only 2 days. Because I KNOW I can do this. And I know I will physically feel better. I already do.

Tomorrow I have to work and then I'll be off to the gymmm. Then I have a going away party for a past co-worker who just so happens to be friends with my current co-workers... So basically every person I know in this town will be going out, and I HAVE to go. I will NOT be eating, however, and I will ONLY be drinking tonic water and lime... Disguised as a drink. Ha ha!

Thursday I plan to sleep in, work out, and drive a couple hours away to get a haircut... I've been needing one for weeks now, and I'm ready for it! Plus I don't think I should be home alone during a fast day... I think it will be too much of a test of willpower.

Well, I'm off to cuddle with the hubby and drink some water.

Thanks for always reading, ladies. Think thin!

Day one juice fast

Day one of my juice fast was a SUCCESS!

I EVEN managed a full day at work and didn't deviate away from my fast, though it was hard... Today I will be more prepared because yesterday was difficult. I had a juice on the way to work at 10am, and trust me... By 4:30pm on my way to the gym, I was fuuucking starving. I swung into the grocery store to get another one, and it was all I could do to avoid buying binge food. I didn't think I would be at work all day, only until around 2, and those last couple hours about killed me...

But I drank my happy little juice and went off to the gym where I burned over 400 cals and then stopped by the store and picked up a full week's worth of juice.

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I took my measurements yesterday and weighed in, and at the end of 5 days I'll share the before and after... Physically I'm not struggling, but mentally... It's only hard because I'm not putting ANYTHING else into my body, even things that I usually let myself eat. The juices actually fill me up though, and give me a major blood sugar boost.

After my 5 day juice fast I'm going to have a 3-4 day fruit/veggie/beans/nuts only diet and then slowly add back in meat and whole grains.

I honestly feel amazing this morning... But last night I DID have some crazy ass dreams and didn't sleep that well... I keep dreaming that I'm eating things that are not juice, and I wake up in a tizzy, and in my groggy, half-asleep state, I think, "Count! What did you eat today!? Remember every bite!"

I do this often actually, but with a fast it seems to be more of an emergency. And my dreams more realistic.

Plus I had a juice kind of late last night, and I had to pee SO many times. I woke up 2 times after I fell asleep and peed about 3 times the hour before I got into bed... Lesson learned.

The scale this morning reads FIVE pounds less that it did yesterday morning. I know it's probably a fluke, but woah-damn. It was a nice number to see. However, until my new scale comes in the mail, I'm wary of the one I own... And once the scale gets here and I test it out, I'll tell you ladies all about it.

Well, got to run. If anyone is interested in joining myself and Skeleton Strong on our juice fast at ANY point, please do! Or if you want to simply try out the fruit/veggie/beans/nuts fast, I'll be starting that on Saturday.

Think thin, ladies!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Weight woes

I stepped on a scale this weekend that was not my own.

It said I weighed TEN pounds more than my scale at home.

W. T. F.

I don't know what to think.

Obviously I was fully dressed (shoes and all) and it was not early morning or anything, but still... TEN!?

Now I have no idea what I really weigh... Now I'm scared my weight really is that awful disgusting high number... Now I want a new scale.

And now I feel the need. The need to lose, lose, lose, lose, until there's barely anything left of me.

Tomorrow I'm starting a juice fast for 5 days. And going to the gym every single day of it.

I will be underweight. I will let ana take over.

And I will get a third weight opinion ASAP.

EDIT: I ordered a new scale.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Making it

The scale this morning was SO nice to me.

I'm grateful because I kind of messed up yesterday and not only binged and purged (home alone... What can I say?) but I also had quite a few more cals at dinner than I anticipated.

But this morning I was lower than yesterday and I actually looked thinner. What's REALLY nice is I FELT thinner. And we all know nothing feels better than that in the entire world.

I'm not going to take it for granted today though. Ooooh no.

B: Diet pill.
L: Veggies and hummus - 175 cals
D: Beef, veggies, refried beans, avocado - 225 cals.
Total: 400 cals.

Tomorrow might be harder though... We're going to my parent's house for an overnight. And I'm out of Addy... So it's just me and my will-power on my own.

I'm going to do it this time though, ladies. I'm going to make it happen and come home lighter than I was when I left.

I can't let the weekends get me every time or I'll never get to where I need/want to be.

Good luck to the rest of you! Think thin.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Intake, emotions, and life

Yesterday's intake was low.

B: Water.
L: Salad - 125
D: Zucchini and tomato sauce with turkey - 250
Total: 375 cals.

Today's planned eats:
B: Sugar free red bull - 10 cals
L: Salad - 150 cals
D: Fish and veggies - 200 cals
Total: 360 cals.

I've been a mess lately. I got really emotional on Tuesday, had a minor panic attach, almost fainted in the parking lot at the grocery store... It wasn't about food, just about life.

I had to get re-centered and re-focused. I had to go out and have fun this weekend. I had to cut back on my drugs. And that has been HARD.

My issue is that I'm an emotional eater, so when I get upset or angry, I eat. I eat crap and then I feel like crap and can't handle myself SO much that really destructive behavior starts to surface.

So I've realized that if I sedate with drugs instead of food, I don't feel as bad about myself afterward... The issue is that I don't see how any of them are harmful. I can justify taking almost all of them.

But I know I need to cut back. And I have been.

Do I plan to give them all up completely? Absolutely not. I like them. But I'm not taking everything every day any more. And I feel like I'm back in control now. Like if I don't have any, it's not a big deal. Like if I could never get them again, I'd be okay.

I feel more at peace with things.

Now I just wish I felt more at peace with my body. The flippin' weekend got to me again, and I gained a couple pounds. Nothing too serious, and most of it's gone after only 2 days of restricting, so I'm back on track...

But goodness I want to be thin and fit.

My plan this week is to re-train. Re-establish my routine and rules and get my ass out of bed earlier. Next week the plan is to wake up early and get shit done so that when I come home I can study for the GRE.

I need to change my life. I need to change my body.

I need to become who I really am on the inside.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


I'm having a very rough day.

I don't want to go to work tonight. I just want to crawl into bed and wait for tomorrow morning.

I've only eaten junk today... 600 calories of junk.

The good news is that will be all I eat today, but I'm mad at myself.

And some other people as well.


Saturday, September 3, 2011


I feel SICK this morning.

I didn't weight myself because I'm scared scared scared of the number... I know I'm bloated as a mofo.

AND, I feel depressed in general. There are a LOT of things that are just getting me DOWN lately.

And I feel homesick, but don't understand why. Where exactly is home now?

I miss the village a bit. I miss the mountains and I know fall is approaching, and I wish I could go visit... But when I lived there I was SO anxious to leave... So anxious to move back and see my friends. Whom I've barely seen.

I guess that's not true. I've seen certain people a LOT more, and some that I haven't seen in years... I just miss a few specific people that I should be spending more time with.

And I just feel overwhelmed by money and responsibilities and wishing I could go back to grad school NOW. Like right now.

I think the issue is I want my life to CHANGE. I want to be successful and not depressed and not eating disordered and not poor and lonely.

I want to be successful and thin the right way and happy and surrounded by people and places and things that are exciting and have the money to do what I want to do!

But I have to have patience. And stick to the game-plan.

And start studying for the GRE so I can pass it when I DO get the opportunity to take it!

Well, that's all. Enough moping.

Think thin, ladies.