Thursday, May 28, 2009

Mia is taking over

I'm a weak, fat, terrible individual.

Mia is taking over... My will is growing, but not quickly enough... I TOTALLY binged the past 2 nights and purged like a mo fo.

Purging is becoming nightly ritual.

I was doing lovely... Both days... Barely eating... Then as soon as I get home with the Fiance, I go nuts, eating things I don't even want to mention. A thousand calories in a sitting.

I'm a fucking COW!!!

I mean, are you kidding me!?!?


I need to get this under control. I can't let mia dictate things. It's just too easy and I can't do this. If I keep it up, I won't be able to stop, and I know it.

She's just such an easy out... It's such a release to go to the bathroom, stick my finger down my throat, and erase the mistake I just made. Very rarely can you rewind time, but mia lets me do just that.

But I know it's bad... I know mia is worse for me than ana... I know it.

I'm going to fast today. To punish myself for the past few days. So far I've had water and 2 midols because my period is fucking killing me... My water retention is so bad, I can't ene tell if I've lost anything, though the scale say I'm down a pound...

My ass needs to wake to fuck up and do what I know I'm supposed to do.

My body is in control while I'm lost in my head.

To quote Sophia Ruins.
"My thoughts go on for miles and miles through this barren land of scales and fear of cellulite, and my head is always running."

I'm going crazy lately. I'm constantly conflicted. All I think about is food. I count calories in what those around me eat. I panic when I can't look at a package or google something and I'm forced to eat something.

I'm going totally nuts.

I don't ever want to eat... When I have to, because I'm weak and unable to control myself, it makes me physically sick from fear and guilt and all the throwing up lately. I feel like I'm going to vomit after every bite. Even if it's just straight lettuce.

And when I eat bad food, I feel so guilty. Sometimes, I ignore it and just let myself binge. I tell myself things like, "It's okay... I'm going to let it digest... I can afford these calories... Normal people eat way more than this a day... It's fine..."

But then I feel like every calorie I consumed is immediately absorbing as fat into my body. I get so freaked out that I just let myself binge and I tell myself that I'll be okay. But I never do. I know from the beginning. From the first bite that I'm going to purge as soon as I'm done.

So, I methodically plan my binged. I eat things that will come up easily. I chew each bite to a small pulp. I drink tons of liquid so it comes up easier. And then I purge and purge.

It doesn't even bother me anymore.

It's just too much.

Too much food.

Too much weakness.

Too much social eating.

Too much fiance interference.

And on that note, I am soo tired of not being able to update for real because the fiance hasn't started his job yet...

I'm never home alone, and the other day I was updating in the computer room (next to the gym) at my apartment complex, and he barged in and interrupted me... Freaking out because I was late and I hadn't come back to the apartment yet... Because I told him I was going to the gym after work and it was POURING rain, so I didn't bother to go up to greet him before...

Excuse the fuck out of me.

It made me mad. I mean I know it's because he loves me, but I TOLD him. And I want some goddamn privacy!

I would KILL for some alone time every freakin' once in a while.

Hopefully once he starts working, our schedules will allow us to be apart occasionally... Though he's going to be working with me... Which i don't mind because it's WORK and I can't update there anyway.

He's on to me lately... He keeps asking why I click away from what I'm doing when he comes over, what site I'm typing so much on, etc...

I don't think he suspects THIS, but I need to be sneakier... Definitely on the office computers though... I can get away with that...

Anyway...

I'm going to go smoke a cigarette... I'm trying to decide if I should being an orange to work, or if I should say I'm not going to eat at all... And not bring any $$ to work so I can't eat anything there... Though that fucking nasty bread I don't even like is always readily available...

Fuck my lack of self-control.







Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Stupid white starches.

SO, today was rough, but manageable...

It seems so weird that only a couple months ago I was able to eat 200 calories a day and nothing more... Now I struggle to get down to 500.

I've become such a COW.

I want to fast... Hardcore fast, just water for a week or two, but I don't think I'd be able to hide the food intake, and I don't know if I have to willpower...

Maybe one day...

But, alas.

Today:

B: Orange - 40 (neg cal)
L: 1/2 can of soup - 80 and a few bites of pasta - 100 (just to be safe!)
D: Salad w/Balsamic - 20 and a veggie sautee - 120
At work: Bread... Evil bread... We'll say 140 to be safe.

SO, 500 exactly... Not terrible, but that bread and pasta has GOT to go... My day could have been much lower.

BUT I did manage to squeeze in a gym sesh, so I burned about 300 cals, plus whatever I burned running around at work tonight, and we were moderately busy.

I'm getting back to where I used to be... Slowly but surely.

I want to write more, but I don't have time right now... I will tomorrow hopefully.

I want to do some serious updating/pondering/thinspo posting asap.

Loving you, ladies!

Memorial Day Blows

Oh my GOD.

This weekend was such a nightmare...

1st off, the social eating was a fuckin' bitch. I tried to pick and prod and not eat a lot, but that wasn't easy and didn't really happen...

Too much beer. Too much junk food. Too many eyes.

The amount of throwing up I did this weekend was a nightmare... We're talking every meal all day for 3 days, practically.

And my bestie???

Totally has her ED right now... Both of us have talked about our EDs in the past, and hers is full BLOWN lately... I noticed because 1.) shes my best friend and I know her, and 2.) I notice the symptoms.

But the boys (my fiance, her husband... it was just the 4 of us in the cabin this weekend) did not catch on because she claims health problems... She says that it's hard to eat a full meal because she's having digestive problems... But, I don't think so.

I noticed all the ana eating tricks, like picking, pushing, prodding food, using a smaller plate, taking only fruit or veggies, saying she's full, eating just a few bites all day long, etc. And then I would look around the kitchen and notice food gone that the boys could not have possibly eaten, and I know she was binging when no one was around. And I swear she threw up a couple times.

And the worst part was that during meals, she would just STARE at me.

I know she's my best friend, and I should be able to talk to her about this stuff, but I can't... I don't want her to know about me right now... And with her not eating at meal times, it was REALLY obvious if I didn't eat as well... Especially when she was watching me being all, "Don't you want any more?" and drawing the boys' attention away from herself and toward me.

It's like she was pushing me to eat.

I mean, I might be projecting here, but it was really weird.

And fucking ANNOYING.

And then, this fucking morning after pill KILLED me this weekend... I was so fucking hormonal, I was just a hungry mess, bloated, emotional, tired, dizzy, nauseous (on top of the mia!) and the moods were swinging all over the place...

The fiance and I got into multiple fights, and I'm such an emotional eater... I basically spent all weekend: freaking out, eating, freakin out more, puking.

NOT my idea of fun...

SO, mia was my savior this weekend... Which was terrible.

I've gotten to the point over the past week where I don't mind throwing up, and I do it after everything I eat because I have such a GUILTY panic attack.

BUT, tomorrow I'm going to be good!

The pill is starting to wear off... Probably only another day of SERIOUS side-effects... The worst is over.

And tomorrow is a new day... And I'm going to eat right!

And not throw up, no matter what... IF I eat shit, I have to force myself to digest it... No lax!!! Punishment for the mia this weekend... Even though I didn't have a lot of options.

The plan for tomorrow:

B: Orange - 40
L: 200 cals (Either soup or frozen dinner, or veggies and meat.)
D: Mixed greens and balsamic - 30 + 100 cals of something else.

I have to work, so I'm going to leave every cent of my money at the house so I can't buy anything to eat, and I'm going to go to the gym after I get off...

But Ima go to bed... I'm SO tired, and I don't have a day off until Thurs when we have to go see the fiance's dad...

Argh.

Loving you, ladies.

Here's some thinspo to inspire you and me!




Freakin' looove Kat Moss... Even if she is a coke whore.



Saturday, May 23, 2009

Gettin' back on track!

Todayyy:

B: 140
L: 155
D: 130

SO, 425!!! Woo hoo!

Didn't go to the gym today though, because when I got off work I was beeeat, and the Plan B is kicking my ass right now... I feel like shit, for real.

Work was rough tonight... I was feeling bad, everything was bothering me... I was an emotional wreck... I just wanted to pig out on everything... I kept hugging people! Ha ha!

And Chevy was back from his few days off, and I didn't realize how much I missed him! Work is totally different without him. Especially since Fitzy is in Vegas right now, so no one cool is left except Cougar, and she was in a car wreck, so SHE's been gone... SO yeah work has sucked lately...

And I really missed Chevy.

I think he likes me...

Like, a lot.

Like too much...

I mean, hello, I'm engaged. And living with my man. And happy with my relationship.

But sometimes, it's totally tempting to flirt my ass off with him... He and DB were standing in the back talking about my ass tonight, and I was just like... Damn. I mean DB is an asshole and leaving the job in a week anyway, but Chevy talking about me like that hasn't happened, and it was... I don't know...

If I admitted it to myself, I would totally be ALL over him if I wasn't with my F.

And Chevy's getting really touchy lately... And that is HARDDD on me.

He came up to me when I got to work tonight and hugged me and kissed the top of my head... All, "Hey, sweetheart." And then he came over to me before we got busy and he hugged me and picked me up and kind of swirled me around.

Hear melt.

And stupid Cougar was like, "What's going on with you two?" She was just being dumb, but it stopped me for a second... And Chevy was like, "Nothing. I mean, it is possible for two people of the opposite sex to have a platonic relationship."

But knowing Chevy... And hearing his words... I know he wasn't being 100% sincere.

He touches me as much as he can... And just the way he looks at me, I know he likes me... And I know he's in the mindset in life right now where he's looking for love... And it's SO hard not to flirt and flirt and flirt... It's hard not to pursue...

But, I AM SO HAPPY WITH MY FIANCE!!!

I can't express that enough... It's just the newness of Chevy, the not-supposed-to-be-doing-it excitement, and his attractiveness and suave nature...

Fuckin' Chevy. I know you're totally not for me... Stop hitting on me so damn much... I'm cuddly by nature, and you don't know what you're doing...

OR maybe he does.

If I broke it off with the F, he would be asking me out in a millisecond.

But anyway...

I'm going to bed... Don't expect an update this weekend because I'll be with the bestie!

Good luck, girlies! And wish me luck with the social eating!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Yesterdayyyy

I did okay... Not great, but I made up for it.

B: Orange - 40
L: Chicken thigh/2 bites veggies - 130
D: Mixed greens, balsamic - 30

Good, right? But here's where it went fucking SOUTH!

After dinner at work: A sandwich! A freakin' sandwich! And a cookie! Ew ew ew...

The cookie was about 200 cals, and the sandwich... I have no idea. Prolly like 285 ish.

Which would have brought my day to around 700... BUT I threw up the sandwich... I know... Bad me. But whatever... I have GOT to get back on track.

Then I went to the gym when I got home at midnight. I burned about 300 cals, plus whatever I burned at work running around all night.

SO, yesterday = not terrible.

But today I feel like shit... Total shit...

The Fiance is making fucking spaghetti for lunch...

Mia? Absolutely... OR maybe I'll just pick at it and say I'm not hungry...

I can't avoid the pasta - he's already all upset because we had a ROUGH morning of broken condoms, lack of BC, and a morning after pill. I feel like absolute SHIT.

AND I'm supposed to go see my Bestie tomorrow for the weekend, and I'm nervous about all the social eating over the weekend... It'll be okay though.

I'll make it be okay.

SO, so far today?
B: Orange and some random bites of stuff - 140
L: Veggies and spaghetti - Around 200 if I focus on veggies and avoid the spaghetti.
D: 160 cals left. (Prolly mixed greens w/balsamic at work for about 30 cals, and something else... We'll see... I should bring something... I think I will, in fact... Maybe fruit or something...)

I'm focusing on 500 cals a day again... I did well when I did this. Never any more than 600 cals, and the lower the day, the better!

I think the 2,4,6,8 was too much for me... So we'll see if I start losing weight with my 500 goal again... And then maybe I'll lower it...

And the GYM is a MUST!

BUT anyway... I'm going to run... See if I can help the F.

More again tonight!


EDIT: 2:23 pm.

Lunch over!

155 cals total, I'd estimate... Picked at the pasta, and ate veggies.

Sauce - 20 cals
Beef - 60
Pasta - 50
Veggies - 25

I think... Close enough, anyway... I just spent about freakin' 20 mins estimating this!

Leaves me 205 cals for the rest of the day... About 170 after the greens, I'd say... I'm going to try not to eat though!!!

Later, lovers.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Back for real.

Hi girls... I'm going to read your blogs soon... Get at least remotely caught up.

So, where have I been?

At work, struggling, being insecure, trying to think I can lose weight like normal people, trying to maintain the loss without being suspicious, being dumb about all of it.

I just decided to stop my ED. Decided that I could be strong and sensible and not an ED girl.

Guess what though.

I am an ED girl...

I've woken up every morning since that decision and freaked out... My weight is exactly as it was when I last was writing... It hasn't changed.

I need my ED. I need ana and mia. Mia is my savior... My salvation when I'm not strong enough to handle life... When I'm not strong enough to withstand... And ana is my best friend. She makes me feel beautiful and loved. I need them both.

And I'm back to reclaim them... They helped me lose 15 pounds... And it's time again for this... It's time to let myself be what I want to be... Who I want to be.

It's time to let myself fall back into my ED. I just can't resist it anymore...

But I'm out of practice. Ana is not as easy as before... I've been depending on mia a lot lately. I've been throwing up at work a LOT lately... And I've gotta stop that...

90% of the blogs I follow haven't posted in a month... Maybe ana and mia are someting you come in and out of? Maybe I'm not alone? Who knows...

I'm back though. And I'm here to stay.

I am ashamed of what I've been doing... Eating... Feeling and thinking.... But that will not keep me away any longer. I will put the past behind me and embrace the future... My potential... And my ED.

Bring it, bitches!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Back

I'm back, ladies.

With a stronger, new resolve.

I'll be reading all your posts soon... I hope none of you have given up on me...

I'll let you know what's been going on in my life soon.

Hopefully tomorrow night once I get off from working my DOUBLE.

I miss you all!

It's been far too long...