Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Memorial Day Blows

Oh my GOD.

This weekend was such a nightmare...

1st off, the social eating was a fuckin' bitch. I tried to pick and prod and not eat a lot, but that wasn't easy and didn't really happen...

Too much beer. Too much junk food. Too many eyes.

The amount of throwing up I did this weekend was a nightmare... We're talking every meal all day for 3 days, practically.

And my bestie???

Totally has her ED right now... Both of us have talked about our EDs in the past, and hers is full BLOWN lately... I noticed because 1.) shes my best friend and I know her, and 2.) I notice the symptoms.

But the boys (my fiance, her husband... it was just the 4 of us in the cabin this weekend) did not catch on because she claims health problems... She says that it's hard to eat a full meal because she's having digestive problems... But, I don't think so.

I noticed all the ana eating tricks, like picking, pushing, prodding food, using a smaller plate, taking only fruit or veggies, saying she's full, eating just a few bites all day long, etc. And then I would look around the kitchen and notice food gone that the boys could not have possibly eaten, and I know she was binging when no one was around. And I swear she threw up a couple times.

And the worst part was that during meals, she would just STARE at me.

I know she's my best friend, and I should be able to talk to her about this stuff, but I can't... I don't want her to know about me right now... And with her not eating at meal times, it was REALLY obvious if I didn't eat as well... Especially when she was watching me being all, "Don't you want any more?" and drawing the boys' attention away from herself and toward me.

It's like she was pushing me to eat.

I mean, I might be projecting here, but it was really weird.

And fucking ANNOYING.

And then, this fucking morning after pill KILLED me this weekend... I was so fucking hormonal, I was just a hungry mess, bloated, emotional, tired, dizzy, nauseous (on top of the mia!) and the moods were swinging all over the place...

The fiance and I got into multiple fights, and I'm such an emotional eater... I basically spent all weekend: freaking out, eating, freakin out more, puking.

NOT my idea of fun...

SO, mia was my savior this weekend... Which was terrible.

I've gotten to the point over the past week where I don't mind throwing up, and I do it after everything I eat because I have such a GUILTY panic attack.

BUT, tomorrow I'm going to be good!

The pill is starting to wear off... Probably only another day of SERIOUS side-effects... The worst is over.

And tomorrow is a new day... And I'm going to eat right!

And not throw up, no matter what... IF I eat shit, I have to force myself to digest it... No lax!!! Punishment for the mia this weekend... Even though I didn't have a lot of options.

The plan for tomorrow:

B: Orange - 40
L: 200 cals (Either soup or frozen dinner, or veggies and meat.)
D: Mixed greens and balsamic - 30 + 100 cals of something else.

I have to work, so I'm going to leave every cent of my money at the house so I can't buy anything to eat, and I'm going to go to the gym after I get off...

But Ima go to bed... I'm SO tired, and I don't have a day off until Thurs when we have to go see the fiance's dad...


Loving you, ladies.

Here's some thinspo to inspire you and me!

Freakin' looove Kat Moss... Even if she is a coke whore.


  1. Ohhh no, just make sure mia doesnt take over..
    How annoying of your bestie to shift the focus to you - you should've thrown it right back at her!...although thats just as mean.
    But still.. things will pick up, just no more mia! :)

  2. thats hard with the bestie... good luck with that.

    mia is sometimes a saviour... as bad as that sounds.

    i can't mia anymore cuz of my new roommate and its driving me mental. in the grand scheme of my ED mia plays a crucial part in staying on track/losing weight.

    thx for the thinspo.