Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Ugly doormat

Standing up for myself is hard.

SO hard for me... Why is that?? Why is it impossible for me to put myself first? To show some self respect? To care for myself?

My horoscope today said I should put myself first. To not take shit from anyone basically... I tried to be nice. I tried to have a normal conversation. But how can two fucked up people even have a normal conversation? Is it even possible?

I'm tired of the way I'm treated. I'm tired of giving all of myself to someone who doesn't do the same. And I'm tired of fixing it every time.

I can't anymore. I can't be a door mat. There's a big beautiful shiny life out there and I didn't end one awful situation to jump into another.

Weighing the pros and cons of being together or parting ways and both look amazing right now.

I'm tired of not controlling my own life and letting other people and situations do it for me.

All I want is to be made to feel special. Like in worth something... Anything... To anyone.

I want someone to see the beauty in me. To understand me. To listen and care and want me on my terms, even when I'm at my worst.

I want true love. And I don't think I've ever had it. I don't even know if its possible. How could anyone love something so ugly?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Focus pocus

The eating over the past two days has been good. I've been restricting and not even missing food honestly... I've been too preoccupied with other things...

Bird is being weird. I got drunk last night and texted him asking him why... He told me he's sorry... I need to just get away from him for a while. I got a little attached I suppose, just like he did. Only I'm the one that said no.

Gerard is getting sick of me; I feel it. He's tired of me hiding our friendship, talking about Bird, talking about the boyfriend. He's such a good friend to me. I hope he never decides to ditch me... Lately I feel like everyone is, and I hate it...

My job sucks hard. I hate it. And honestly after the holidays I'm going to look for a new one... I need a change. New faces and a new place and some new friends and management... I feel bored.

I also need to focus in life... I need grad school to be a reality. I need success and a real job and security in something. I need to finalize my divorce. I need my boyfriend to be less serious about me and to have less baggage... That last ones not possible and I know it. It's not his fault, but I feel slightly held back by him. I let myself get distracted with things, take on too much, handle everyone else's problems before my own and I need to stop doing that.

I need to focus on ME.

And my 800cals a day.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Longing and trying

It's back. The longing.

I've been bad over the past few months. In a lot of ways. The boyfriend and I have had a rocky relationship. Much too rocky for how infantile it is, but he also makes me happy. He told me last night I make him happier than he makes me... It's true. I know that but that's always the case in my relationships; it's not his fault. I really truly love him so much. And I've learned a lot about how fucked up I really am. And how fucked up my relationships have been in the past. I like being with him. I've done a lot of things to compromise it, and yes it was too much too soon. But I like what we have right now. I like where we stand, and I love him.

Gerard and Bird are still around. I fucked Bird. And almost Gerard. I shouldn't have. I didn't even enjoy it. I honestly don't know why I did. They're always available and honestly two of my best friends. It's something I will carry to my grave, and if I believed in regret, I would regret doing it.

I've been doing a lot of drugs. And tons of drinking. Everything I've ever wanted to try I've tried. Weed, pills, blow... With whoever has it and wants to throw down. I love being fucked up. Forgetting my issues and feeling alive and happy. I know I need to get it from other places... Other things... But I can't right now. Everything is shrouded in grey flannel and until I shrug it off this is what I've chosen.

And I'm fat. I think the boyfriend prefers me like this, but I do not. I'm gross. I feel stretched and bloated and grotesque. All my clothes are a little bit tighter and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.

I've come to learn a lot about my ED over the past couple months. I feel like I understand why I was so intense in the past. And it's not gone by any means, but being with a man who is obsessed with my body when I feel like it looks bad is so comforting... He makes me feel so sexy for the first time in life. He thinks I am and it's a nice change. But I want to get to the point where I think I'm sexy.

So back to the grind for a while. No Mia this time. It's too hard on me. Makes my emotions rage and honestly my constant emotional turmoil that is already present currently in life would create a disaster. So Ana it is. 800 cal max for a bit. And workouts are soon to follow.

I know the quest for happiness is never ending. I just hope that everything I do gets me a little taste.

Think thin.