I don’t know what I’m doing lately.
I’m trying not to be fat and miserable and to be a good mom and a good employee and a good wife, but I feel like I can barely get out of bed most days.
I want to be thin. I want to look like I’m ok on the outside even if I know internally I am a mess. I want to not show the world that I’m falling apart. Being fat is shameful. Fat people are sad .
Realizations and epiphanies hit me at all hours of the day. Sometimes when it’s inappropriate or just inconvenient. I’m processing old shit in new ways, and it sucks. I’m thinking about old loves and old lives and old versions of myself, and it’s overwhelming. I feel on the edge of tears often. Most of the words I preach I feel are intended for myself. I have nightmares about Bogs and feel grief all over again. “You are, and always will be, special to me.” He was wrong. He had to be.
My therapist says I have no self esteem and that I tell myself too many negative things about myself. I realize it’s because I have never fit in anywhere. I think back to the biggest fears group - the fear that I will disappoint. Why didn’t someone stop me then? My upbringing was all about fitting into a mold. As was my major, first job, many subsequent jobs, and lots of relationships.
I’m tired. Think thin?
