Piling up

Had a meltdown this week about Oldest’s bday. I meant it all - I feel like no one appreciates me. All I can do is express that and hope it’s heard. It hurts. I’m tired. 

This week was loooong and draining. I am not on auto pilot with a lot of my clients yet, so it’s taxing. I’m sure in about a month I’ll feel used to this schedule and volume, but I’m struggling to adjust currently. 

My eating disorder is creeping up a lot lately. I have been trying very hard to let myself be more moderate. To eat more calories than I usually do, and to not limit types of food so much. It’s not easy. The narrative in my head about food is constant and anxious. “What should we have for breakfast - maybe an English muffin? Yes a 100 calorie one with egg whites and a single... That would be 145 calories. Or can I do a whole egg instead of an egg white? That’s 200 calories… I’m not sure… 200 calories is reasonable though, right? It’s already a diet bread and a diet cheese. No butter. So is it ok? Yes let’s make it ok… 200 calories is not too much… I think it’s ok…”

I’m exhausted by it. Every meal is like this. Every grocery shopping endeavor. Every thought of food is a tug of war between Ana & Mia and Recovery. 

I didn’t win today. I had a good breakfast, a binge and purge for lunch, a good dinner, a binge for dessert. 

I dug up the past, and I guess I couldn’t process it well. I’m not sure what was even upsetting to me - the thoughts of now or then. I’m glad he’s in a better place - it’s both nice and ugly to see, honestly. I just wish I knew why it hit like that, or if that was even the factor. Maybe it was because no one was home and completely due to opportunity. Maybe it was the stress of everything else. I know my binges are related to stress, but sometimes I don’t know what the stress even is. 

My stomach hurts. 

Jumbles

It’s been a week. Work is hectic. I think I took on a few too many clients, but I’m trying to ride it out rather than refer anyone. I need money, so the more I work and the more clients I have, the better this will go… I’m a couple thousand behind where I need to be. I’m getting my spending under control, but like goddamn I’m tired of the money struggles in my life. I feel completely overwhelmed with it frequently. 

The scale today was nice. I’m hungry right now. Yesterday I went to be hungry, I woke up today hungry, I didn’t eat solid food until 1pm. It had been 24 hours. I love this feeling. I love not wanting to eat. Conflict with husband makes it easier to starve. Being broke makes it easier to starve. Hating myself makes it easier to starve. 

My weight is dropping. 

Husband is the same.

I looked over my last entry, and all the same sentiments apply. I’ve expressed to him that he needs to fix this - that I can’t. I don’t think he’s grasping it. I’ve let it slide very often lately. Long gone are the days when I could run to Jenn. Or Bogs. Or Gerard… I now have to live through these moments. I have to communicate about the little human we brought into the world. I don’t have the income or vehicle to run away like I want to. So I wait. I try to protect my self esteem. I know that I could find someone else even with all my baggage. I’m good at making men fall in love with me. I know how to play the games even at this age. It would be fine to play them again. I might have drama, but that can be appealing. I could find someone to elevate my life instead of the other way around. 

“You are and always will be special to me.” 

I wonder what my life would be if I had gone to lunch that day. 

Needing clarity

Organizing myself here... Mid 2020-mid 2021 I was severely depressed. I am clearly still depressed, but not as intensely. 

What did I change? 

I lost some weight, had surgery, changed jobs, shifted friendships, cut off my parents, handled the autism diagnosis of baby, started wellbutrin, and made peace with weed and money. All of these made me feel better. All of them are still works in progress, but going well, and I feel good about them. I know I come here solely to spew poison most entries, but in reality I feel good about my life for the first time in a long time. I feel like I am doing well. I somehow feel better. 

Except for the husband. 

He is mean. miserable, critical, rude... I have thought of the ways and plans of leaving. I have explored my options. I have options. I have an idea. I don't want it to come to that, but you can only ask for someone to treat you well so many times in life.

So how long do you allow someone to be like that before you make a decision to leave them behind? Where is the hard line? Am I destined to outgrow all of my partners? Do I feel good without someone there? Can I handle being single? I have so many unanswered questions and only one wish - that he would just stop being so mean. 

I know my answer - I know I need to wait for my moment of clarity. I know it will come. It has not yet. I know what it will feel like. I know what the experience is like. I can't rush it. 

I honestly can't change anything in this - I know I am loving well and lovable and doing all the right things. But you can't fix people. No amount of love or acceptance can make someone else happy. 

The path I see is we get some distance right now, we make up, we get our money, we get a car, we pay off the lingering things, he graduates, he gets a job, we move. After that I don't know... I would like this to go like this. I know our silence right now will not equate him leaving. I know he won't take the money and run. And if he does, so be it. I will figure it out. I always do. I'm not scared of being alone. I'm not scared of hard work. I'm not scared of poverty. 

The only thing I'm scared of is someone taking away the happiness that I worked 35 years to acquire. I can't ever let that happen. 

Usual self-hatred

I'm feeling like garbage - nausea, pooping a lot, no idea how to manage it. I don't know if it's my eating or stressing or allergies. It's probably all of the above, but the choices in eating is not helping... 

I'm binging again - late night, high and in bed, gorging. It makes me hate myself. I need to stop. I don't have any fucking clue how to actually do that. I know what works for a moment, for a period temporarily, but I have no fucking CLUE how to fix this shit for real. How do I stop binging? How do I get a better relationship with food and stop with the yo-yo?

I'm just so tired. 

Every morning I open my eyes and hate me the night before. Every evening I give myself permission to be her. I'm like fucking Jekyll and Hyde, and Cally is gone. And I hate all 3 of those people. 

Timeline

I did a timeline of life events… wow. 

My life has been a shit show. 

Pretty much for the entirety of the history of this blog I have had huge shit I was dealing with, huge stressors, terrible mental health… 

When will it get better?

I compulsively work on a timeline when I need to be sleeping. I fell asleep at midnight. Baby awakened at 3am. It’s 6:30am, and I have yet to fall back asleep - sorting through my blog and photos and calendar to piece it all together. I have terrible insomnia, and I’m not sure if it’s the chicken or the egg. I’m tense. I ate too much before bed.

It’s a circus. It’s so messy and tumultuous. So much of my life has zoomed by while I was struggling to find balance. I grew up late and have struggled to catch up for so many years, making dumb mistakes and hurting myself. I’ve been so disorganized and sad for so long.

I’m not sure what this insight is yet… my brain actually needs sleep, even though it’s trying to act like it doesn’t… putting a pin in this…

Poetry?

Self sabotage. 

“How is your eating?” 

It’s not for necessity; 

it’s for morbid curiosity. 

How do I measure up? 

My heart is on my sleeve 

and it’s bleeding. 

It’s needing.

I try to fill the void. 

There are too many. 

Each hole of grief a specific shape. 

Mother, daughter, son, husband. 

Themes throughout history

of hurt and sadness. 

Push into the bite. 

Bite into the pain. 

Fill your mouth with trivial things. 

Make your insides twist inside out.

Blowing smog and popping poison. 

Compulsively craving connection. 

Terrified by the thoughts of others. 

All I ever really wanted

was just to fit in. 

Happy fucking New Year to any lonely bitches that read this garbage. Keep fighting.