Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Still unfolding

I realize my blog has become a mess of vague posts that are not related to my current weight or calories...

I apologize. I just have to get this shit out of my head somewhere, and this is all I have.

And this is all that's in my head lately.

I'm not caring. Not allowing myself too.

He is. Drunk texting me, breaking every rule, making me put my foot down, taking me to dinner and trying so hard not to stare at me the whole time.

He makes me feel so pretty. So sexy. He's sexy. And the fucking is fucking amazing.

Endless, sweaty, intense. Probably the best ever for me. And if he knew how few people were involved in this stat, he'd probably flip.

Or love it. I don't know anymore.

It seems like he wants more than to fuck me now. It seems like he genuinely likes me, and I don't know why.

How could anyone???

I know this can't go on forever. It's becoming too much already. I'd like to move on very soon and have this be something in my life that I look back on as a silly little fling that was hot while it lasted.

I want to think of riding in his car with his hand on my knee and the smell of cigars and sunshine. I want to think of old horror movies and horrible tacos and good music as a nice little fantasy.

I want this to become a thing of the past. A nice dream that it's time to wake up from.

Because it is time to wake up. I might be getting thinner and feeling more alive than ever, but I know this cannot go on like this. I will ruin everything, and ruining my life is not something I want to do.

It's already bad enough without this.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Dont want to care

He gets mad when I tell someone. Says he thought it was a secret.

Asks me not to talk about it anymore. Fuck. Him. I'll tell whomever whatever I want.

He says it's because she has a big mouth, that she'll tell everyone. Maybe, but I don't think that's the real reason.

I think it's because he wants to fuck her. My one good friend. He posts all over her face book to the point where I want to delete him. Anything I say is followed up by his posts. The two of them going back and forth.

Maybe she wants to fuck him too and I just happened to be first.

I don't think she ever would, especially not now, but the thought is haunting me. Even though she's told me how she's not into him before any of this shit happened you just never know.

Who knows. Maybe I'll be done now and he'll move on. I tell him the rules for texting me and he doesn't like them. I tell him I'll text him tomorrow but I have no plans to. I think it would be best if I didn't.

Because Im starting to care. Too much. Too quickly. Who cares if they fuck? In the grand scheme of my life these two people will mean so little to me I should not be bothered right now... But I am.

I don't want to care. I don't want to be emotional. I don't want to feel jealous or mad or annoyed. But I am.

And fuck it.

I may be a fucking wreck right now but one thing remains true:

I am the skinnier girl.


EDIT:

I confront. He blows up. He stops answering my texts.

We probably don't talk tomorrow. But like I said, that's probably best.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Thin rope snapped

What am I doing???

Excitement, newness, hands, shakes, scratches, games, strength, words, words, words...

Birdie that I work with is bulimic. But they don't want her.

They want me. Any piece of me they can have. As much or as little as I care to give.

They're just thankful.

I don't understand, and I don't want to.

I don't want to care that much. I don't want to have emotions.

I just want to magically have everything I want and be thinner than the thinnest.

I want it all.

EDIT:

Favorite game to lose.

I'm enjoying myself more than u think.

I may or may not ever hang out with you again/I hope you do.

This is not a date.

Is your question answered?

You should have kissed me sooner.

Let's play the question we played last night.

Disappointment in the eyes of the one who cannot talk to you for 24 hours.

Hands going further and further.

This won't be awkward will it?




Sunday, March 18, 2012

Fat and drunk

Here I sit again. Fat and drunk.

Guys at work want to fuck me. Several of them... More than two, but two are obvious about it. And if I were single I would do both of them.

I don't know why they want it so bad. I'm a fat gross cow while my other female coworkers get tan and thin for summer.

My husband freaks out because I'm going out too much after work with my coworkers and it reminds him of the past. Of Chevy.

I'm stupid. But I like the attention. The drama. I need it. But whyyyyyy?

I've never gotten over the time my hubby told me I was getting fat. And he's never gotten over the fact that I got involved with Chevy.

These two things are not good for our relationship because they lead me to be attracted to guys who pay me attention and him to freak out over it.

Fuck me. Why am I like this?

Why do I always want a Chevy?


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Lake day and losing.

Down another pound this morning. This is the lowest I've weighed in months, and it feels great.

Today is my ooonly day off from work for another week, and the hubby and I are going to the lake for the day. No breakfast and a ton of watermelon packed for lunch!

Bring on the sunshine.

Think thin, ladies.