Thursday, September 30, 2010

Today is a new day

Slight failure last night... Put yesterday at right around 1,000 cals.

Not horrible, I know, but not up to my standards.

Today's planned eats:
B: Egg white bake - 100 cals
L: Tuna Salad - 100 cals
D: Fruit - 100 cals

LOTS of water... Time to flush what I had yesterday and get my body back on track!

Think thin, ladies!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

No Cal Honey Mustard

0 Calorie "Honey Mustard" sauce
2TB "I can't Believe it's Not Butter" butter spray - 0cals
2TB dijon mustard - 0cals
2TB truvia or splenda - 0cals
Dash of cinnamon

Heat all the ingredients together in a saucepan until warm and blended and sweetener has melted - leave on very low about 4 minutes so the flavors can integrate, stirring occassionally. Voila! I was looking the other day for something to put on carrots, and this was WONDERFUL. Even the hubby liked it, and it's NO CALORIES! I would even let it cool and use it as dressing on a salad, etc. Try it out!

In other skinny news...

My weight read 117lbs this morning... Only 7lbs left until GW #3.

I am so elated.

My eating is SO under control right now... I don't even get hungry.

It may seem like it's all in my head, but when I dip below 120lbs, I feel like I REALLY LOOK thinner...

It seems like my stomach looks flatter and my hip bones show more... With only 3 pounds less.

Alas, though, I'm at work and have to get back to it.

Think thin, ladies.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

FMLeg

I injured my leg, and have been barely able to move...

My weight said 120 all week... I gained and I can't get it down... All I do it sit on the couch.

But I'm shrinking my stomach, I'm training myself to not binge at night again, to restrict, and to be ready once my leg IS healed to get back on the weightloss track.

Physically I'm a wreck, but mentally I can taste the loss... I feel SO inspired... SO ready to drop the weight.

Today's planned eats:
B: Cream of Wheat - 100cals
L: ??? Under 200 cals, probably closer to 100, and mostly meat/veg.
D: Tuna Salad - 100cals

Real life Thinspo, thank you facebook. And thanks for helping me realize today, as I was collecting these, that I used to be the fat friend.























Sunday, September 26, 2010

120!?

I've been doing well lately, and then... Weighed in this morning...

120lbs.

WTF? HOW is that possible???

Mere days ago I was at 116.

And I have been doing fairly well... Not the best, too much mia, but still! NOT 120 bad.

Re-doubling my efforts starting tomorrow.

110 will not elude me.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Sighing

116lbs this morning... Pre-BM.

So far to go, I feel.

250 cals so far today.

150 more planned.

I want it off now... All the weight... I want to feel good about myself.

Monday, September 20, 2010

F-bomb.

Under 500 cals today.

I feel alone.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Regaining Control

100 calorie breakfast - Oatmeal.

100 calorie lunch - Tuna Salad.

100 calorie dinner - half portion of Fajita Salad.

Plenty of room for error, if a stray bite happens to cross my lips.

Sundays are ESPECIALLY tough for me because I work a 12+ hour shift at my job, so I kind of end up picking at whatever I can find when we're busy and eating out of boredom when we're slow.

But, today I've done well, and I know it's because last night I did SO horrible.

Food-wise, I was good until the evening... This is always when my demons arrive.

It doesn't happen every night, but when it does, it's horrible. I get so insanely hungry... I can't get my blood sugar high enough to stop my stomach from aching or my hands from trembling or my mind from jumping to thoughts of food... Horrible.

I end up eating lots of calories before I physically feel better, and then mentally I am a wreck.

This is what happened last night. I mindlessly and blindly ordered pizza. The hubby and I both ate it, and then I went into the bathroom and purged while he was watching TV.

I told myself, "If you eat you have to purge and then you'll have failed. You'll feel bad and icky and depressed."

But I ate anyway. And purged anyway. And felt the exact opposite of bad.

My head was in the toilet, and all way right with the world.

And weirdly, I always think the same thing when I purge... The same line cycles through my head over and over.

"And then... Very neatly... I threw up."

I believe it's a line from a book... One I must have read at a very young age, because this line has been a part of my throwing up (for purging purposes or not) pretty much as long as I can remember.

Weird, no?

It just repeats itself in my head the whole time.

I've been really spacey lately, so it went on for like an hour last night.

Spacey and tired... This is who I've become. So tired. But I can't rest until I'm thin.

I'm starting to feel like I did last year, when the weight started really dropping... Like there's fluff in my brain... Hazy. Tired. Confused.

I'm ready for the weight to start dropping again, no matter how weak I feel.

In other news, I am SO fucking bored in the office right now... And fucking everything is blocked on this damn computer... Only 4 more hours until I can go hoooome.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Blaaah.

I'm doing better lately.

Though I'm fighting the urge to binge and purge right now...

Home alone. Figures.

And, just for the record, America's Next Top Model is reeeeally good this season.

Anna Maria Mirdita.

Online stalk her like I did.

She's so fucking fabulous.

Friday, September 10, 2010

A Touch of Red

I go through phases on here where I have no longing whatsoever to blog.

Does that ever happen to you, ladies?

Lately I just feel like life is SO overwhelming, and when I look at my To-Do list that gets longer and longer every day, I can barely force myself out of bed, much less to blog.

And then the eating... It's so all over the place. Lately good, but what's good anymore? 300 calories? 1,000 calories? I have no structure any longer. I just try not to eat, panic when I do, and pray the scale drops.

The scale reads 117lbs this morning, pre-BM, but I feel like it MUST be lying.

I need to get back on track. I did well yesterday - I planned my day and stuck to it.

However, "plan"ing anything lately seems pointless because I feel defeated.

BUT I WILL NOT GIVE UP.

I will lose this pesky last 10 pounds and then feel fabulous about myself. I don't want to hover around 117 any longer; I'm sick of maintaining it.

I know this post barely makes sense, so I'll leave you with lots of thinspo...

I go through phases where I collect and collect thinspo with a theme or category. I call this collection "A Touch of Red."

Enjoy.