Sunday, September 19, 2010

Regaining Control

100 calorie breakfast - Oatmeal.

100 calorie lunch - Tuna Salad.

100 calorie dinner - half portion of Fajita Salad.

Plenty of room for error, if a stray bite happens to cross my lips.

Sundays are ESPECIALLY tough for me because I work a 12+ hour shift at my job, so I kind of end up picking at whatever I can find when we're busy and eating out of boredom when we're slow.

But, today I've done well, and I know it's because last night I did SO horrible.

Food-wise, I was good until the evening... This is always when my demons arrive.

It doesn't happen every night, but when it does, it's horrible. I get so insanely hungry... I can't get my blood sugar high enough to stop my stomach from aching or my hands from trembling or my mind from jumping to thoughts of food... Horrible.

I end up eating lots of calories before I physically feel better, and then mentally I am a wreck.

This is what happened last night. I mindlessly and blindly ordered pizza. The hubby and I both ate it, and then I went into the bathroom and purged while he was watching TV.

I told myself, "If you eat you have to purge and then you'll have failed. You'll feel bad and icky and depressed."

But I ate anyway. And purged anyway. And felt the exact opposite of bad.

My head was in the toilet, and all way right with the world.

And weirdly, I always think the same thing when I purge... The same line cycles through my head over and over.

"And then... Very neatly... I threw up."

I believe it's a line from a book... One I must have read at a very young age, because this line has been a part of my throwing up (for purging purposes or not) pretty much as long as I can remember.

Weird, no?

It just repeats itself in my head the whole time.

I've been really spacey lately, so it went on for like an hour last night.

Spacey and tired... This is who I've become. So tired. But I can't rest until I'm thin.

I'm starting to feel like I did last year, when the weight started really dropping... Like there's fluff in my brain... Hazy. Tired. Confused.

I'm ready for the weight to start dropping again, no matter how weak I feel.

In other news, I am SO fucking bored in the office right now... And fucking everything is blocked on this damn computer... Only 4 more hours until I can go hoooome.

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